Two days past J's expected due date.
No updates.
Called the agency at 9:30am this morning. It's 11:20am and I haven't gotten a call back yet.
The bad thoughts are back. What if?
What if she decided to parent. She's stable and I doubt social services would become involved. She could've had the baby over the weekend and already be back at home.
What if her brother's wife had a m/c and they all decided to make an adoption plan? This is the one that keeps clawing back into my consciousness. Her brother and his wife had been working with an adoption agency then decided to try IVF. Chances are they have a homestudy completed. When we met J for the first time, she said the pregnancy was early. Something could have happened in the last couple of weeks. Stranger things have happened.
Neither of these things if they happened are directly connected to us. We have no ownership or right to interfere in any decision making at this point.
We sit nervously at work trying to complete tasks and failing. We keep our phones nearby. We wake up multiple times a night and check our phone in case we slept through a phone call (not likely). We don't put X back to bed when he comes crawling in at 11:30pm (earlier and earlier it seems, it used to be 2am). We can barely keep it together.
Our feelings are collateral damage. J should not take any of this into account should she be changing her mind. She won't. We have no ties and are literally ships passing in the night. The only connection we may have is if she ultimately decides to place with us. We have no way of knowing if that changed within the last week.
We wait. We worry. We try not to fall apart. It will either work out for us in the end, or it won't.
Limbo is the worst and I'm not an optimistic person. It's worse now because we've been through two failed matches, one pre-birth, and one post-birth. I keep thinking that pre-birth matching needs to be stopped. It's not fair to anyone, and speaking from the adoptive parent perspective, it's really not fair to us. We get our hopes up and we put our lives on hold waiting for theoretical baby to be born. At the end of this, I will have subbed out all of my Jazz.ercise classes for a month while we waited for the phone call. Because we are told we must drop everything the second the phone rings. Because we are told we shouldn't tell anyone what's going on until it's a done deal, I'm sending vague "family emergency" e-mails trying to get my classes covered. I finally told the owner of the center so that she doesn't think I'm just blowing off all my classes, but it doesn't help that for 2 Sundays in a row, I totally could have taught my class. For some reason, that pisses me off. The longer theoretical baby waits to make his appearance, the more my engineer-work life gets f-cked up. It's fine if it all works out for us in the end. Then who cares? We just reschedule some stuff and everyone is happy for me. It's not fine if I've done all this f-cking hoop jumping and giving up projects only to be told that this isn't my baby.
If this fails, it will be the third time I've put my life on hold for a baby who isn't mine. I'm pretty sure I won't be able to go for a fourth round.
Showing posts with label the waiting game. Show all posts
Showing posts with label the waiting game. Show all posts
Tuesday, September 2, 2014
Thursday, August 28, 2014
Dealing with Family
These past few weeks, especially the last two have been rife with stress, anxiety and worry. You would think that having my family nearby would be a blessing, with their support during this emotionally difficult time.
HAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHA
I have a few words of wisdom to impart to anyone who has a loved one going through a situation similar to ours that I would like to share:
HAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHA
I have a few words of wisdom to impart to anyone who has a loved one going through a situation similar to ours that I would like to share:
- This is about the prospective adoptive parents, not you
- When you ask how's it going, and your daughter says "Not good", the appropriate response is something along the lines of "I'm so sorry you have to go through this. It must be really hard." Not, "Hey X said the funniest thing when we went out to dinner with you on Sunday!". Why thanks Dad, I now feel invalidated. And gee, thanks Mom for that "I can't imagine" mumbled before prattling off some unimportant piece of information.
- Call, don't text. And for God's sake, don't send a text that says "Call me when you get a chance". Especially when it's about coordinating care for your loved ones dog/cat/older child when the phone call to drop everything and get to the hospital eventually comes.
- When a prospective adoptive parent shares the news of a match and tells you to keep it quiet because who knows if it'll actually be successful. Keep. it. quiet. Now, I know no harm, no foul when my mom told one of my brothers who already knew about the match, but she did it thinking she would be the one to break the news to him. Because she likes to control the communication within the family.
- Don't get all sanctimonious when the prospective adoptive parents insist that they will be the ones to share whatever news (good or bad) comes of the match. If someone feels they need to tell you multiple times to keep your mouth shut, then maybe you need to take a look at your own past behavior that may have prompted multiple prompts. Even if you haven't done anything wrong in the past, if the prospective adoptive parents ask you to keep it quiet multiple times...well...see No. 1.
- Informing your daughter in her time of highest stress (ever) that you need to talk, and we never talk anymore is not going to get you anywhere. Besides, see No. 2.
Tuesday, August 26, 2014
Update on Waiting and Worrying
I called for an update this afternoon. Plan is still in place, and J is miserable physically. There wasn't much change at her doctor's appointment today.
It eases the worrying, which I fully understand is goddamn selfish of me to say. Yay, she's moving ahead with not raising her child? I gagged writing that. Except, that's my position, right? It's a rather untenable position once you start exploring all sides of adoption and learning what it means for all members of the triad. I am the privileged one. I am the so-called savior. *GAG*
Anyway, still freaking the f-ck out over here, just with less dread I guess.
It eases the worrying, which I fully understand is goddamn selfish of me to say. Yay, she's moving ahead with not raising her child? I gagged writing that. Except, that's my position, right? It's a rather untenable position once you start exploring all sides of adoption and learning what it means for all members of the triad. I am the privileged one. I am the so-called savior. *GAG*
Anyway, still freaking the f-ck out over here, just with less dread I guess.
Waiting and Worrying
While we have been waiting for theoretical baby to be born, my cousin had her baby. I remember when she announced her pregnancy that S and I really hoped to bring home our baby first. Hey, what do you want from us? I'm competitive, and S is over it. It was rather fun to be snarky about the whole thing.
We lost that secret race last week. While I was trying to work out massive amounts of anxiety by riding my bike up a mountain, my cousin was hiking a trail nearby trying to jump-start labor. While I was having mini-breakdowns every couple of days, my cousin was getting multiple posts on her F-B wall asking if she had the baby yet. While I was telling myself it was ok to have a couple beers or glasses of wine every single night, she was in her mid-wife's office arguing against being induced.
I found out that her baby had been born by (what else?) a text from my mother. I also found out that she had a c-section and the baby had some issues (long labor) and had to go to the NICU. All of which, may have been better as a phone conversation? Oh, right. She doesn't actually want to have a conversation.
I had a brief reprieve for a few days last week when I allowed myself to hope that this match is for real and will go smoothly. I think that came after our update last Tuesday when it was re-iterated that J wants us at the hospital ready to take care of baby right after his birth. I let myself get excited, and I packed the baby bag, my clothes and got X's suitcase partially packed. I found a sub for my Sunday class because S and I were so sure that she would give birth over the weekend.
The weekend came and went without a phone call. Monday, I woke up all kinds of pissed off that I had to go to work. It was a bad day and all the bad thoughts took up residence. You know the ones if you've been in this position: "
Getting any work done is next to impossible, and a task that I easily should've been able to put to finish last week is getting dragged out despite the full knowledge that the phone call could come at any time. Other tasks that I need to be starting are falling by the wayside, and some of those have September deadlines on them that can't be missed. Yet, here I sit, staring blankly into space, checking my e-mail every 5 minutes, reading news sites, and doing anything that doesn't require actual brain power.
We lost that secret race last week. While I was trying to work out massive amounts of anxiety by riding my bike up a mountain, my cousin was hiking a trail nearby trying to jump-start labor. While I was having mini-breakdowns every couple of days, my cousin was getting multiple posts on her F-B wall asking if she had the baby yet. While I was telling myself it was ok to have a couple beers or glasses of wine every single night, she was in her mid-wife's office arguing against being induced.
I found out that her baby had been born by (what else?) a text from my mother. I also found out that she had a c-section and the baby had some issues (long labor) and had to go to the NICU. All of which, may have been better as a phone conversation? Oh, right. She doesn't actually want to have a conversation.
I had a brief reprieve for a few days last week when I allowed myself to hope that this match is for real and will go smoothly. I think that came after our update last Tuesday when it was re-iterated that J wants us at the hospital ready to take care of baby right after his birth. I let myself get excited, and I packed the baby bag, my clothes and got X's suitcase partially packed. I found a sub for my Sunday class because S and I were so sure that she would give birth over the weekend.
The weekend came and went without a phone call. Monday, I woke up all kinds of pissed off that I had to go to work. It was a bad day and all the bad thoughts took up residence. You know the ones if you've been in this position: "
- She's going to decide to parent, we'll get a phone call telling us that the match is off,
- She decided she doesn't want us to raise her baby and chose someone else,
- She's AWOL and not communicating with her caseworker
Getting any work done is next to impossible, and a task that I easily should've been able to put to finish last week is getting dragged out despite the full knowledge that the phone call could come at any time. Other tasks that I need to be starting are falling by the wayside, and some of those have September deadlines on them that can't be missed. Yet, here I sit, staring blankly into space, checking my e-mail every 5 minutes, reading news sites, and doing anything that doesn't require actual brain power.
Friday, August 15, 2014
Anxiety
...is rampant in my household. S and I have had multiple conversations this week about our feelings on this very particular wait. In another case of we're both on the same page, we've admitted we don't feel joy in waiting for the baby to be born.
We feel nervous.
We feel anxious.
We wonder if this is our baby.
Going through the motions of washing 0-3 month clothes and cloth diapers, putting them in the dresser and shopping for a few little things for baby doesn't feel full of anticipation. Rather, I feel like I'm tempting fate by washing these things again. After all, they were washed last spring only to be put away again for another year.
Yet, I've done it. I've gone to the attic and pulled down most things that we need for a baby coming home. I've won an auction for a new diaper bag because we hated the two we used for X (picky, right?). I've counted out the newborn cloth diapers wondering if we have enough or if I should get a few more (between pre-folds, fitted, and all-in-one, we have 29). Past the newborn stage, there are plenty of diapers for use, just waiting in the wings...
I've done all the prep and I feel hollow. I don't feel like I'm anticipating the homecoming of a bundle of joy.
I feel like I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop.
(and i can't concentrate on work. i should, because i have another report to write, and i should get ahead of the schedule before baby comes, but blank stares at the computer screen are the norm)
We feel nervous.
We feel anxious.
We wonder if this is our baby.
Going through the motions of washing 0-3 month clothes and cloth diapers, putting them in the dresser and shopping for a few little things for baby doesn't feel full of anticipation. Rather, I feel like I'm tempting fate by washing these things again. After all, they were washed last spring only to be put away again for another year.
Yet, I've done it. I've gone to the attic and pulled down most things that we need for a baby coming home. I've won an auction for a new diaper bag because we hated the two we used for X (picky, right?). I've counted out the newborn cloth diapers wondering if we have enough or if I should get a few more (between pre-folds, fitted, and all-in-one, we have 29). Past the newborn stage, there are plenty of diapers for use, just waiting in the wings...
I've done all the prep and I feel hollow. I don't feel like I'm anticipating the homecoming of a bundle of joy.
I feel like I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop.
(and i can't concentrate on work. i should, because i have another report to write, and i should get ahead of the schedule before baby comes, but blank stares at the computer screen are the norm)
Sunday, August 10, 2014
Names
Naming a baby is difficult. We had it easy with X as C named him, and it so happened that his name was on our list as a very late addition. It's a cool name, we have grown to love it, and can't imagine him with any other name.
Naming this baby is beyond difficult. Three years ago, this is what our refrigerator looked like:
Naming this baby is beyond difficult. Three years ago, this is what our refrigerator looked like:
Most of these names have now been placed firmly in the No category. Some of these I don't like, or he doesn't like, or we both don't like. So, this list is kaput, gone, start over.
As we've delved into other names, it seems to go like this: Me: What about Damian? S: NO. Me: What about Finn? S: NO.
Yeah.
I've turned to Duana on Lainey Gossip for inspiration. I've combed through lots of her back articles, looking for boys names, and I've even submitted a question to her in hopes that she answers it. It's helped give me some ideas to present to S.
I've also gotten crazy on Nameberry. Searching through lists, trying names on for size. Wondering if I would condemn a kid to a life of teasing or "ew". There's a list now, maybe there's a name in there? I have one that has stuck in my head since I first considered it, and now I'm thinking of the theoretical baby as ______. Every other name I come across is a second or third, or....yeah, no. S doesn't have a favorite. I think he's waiting to meet the baby before he really lands on a name. At least I hope that's the reason he can't seem to form an opinion.
I wonder if it would have been easier if I had been pregnant and we spent several months considering names, vs. being on the hook for a phone call that we may have a baby soon.
Tuesday, August 5, 2014
2nd Meeting...Not so Good?
We met with J (expectant mom) again tonight. This meeting was to get together with our kids and let them play together, meet them, etc. X and I got there late because of traffic (and J was waaaay early). S was a few minutes before X and I, so I walked into a room with 2 boys running around and everyone just sitting around watching them. Ok, I can handle that, just add my boy to the mix and we'll watch them for an hour.
Because that's what happens when 3 boys under the age of 6 get together. Chaos. Loud, throwing stuff, feeding off each other chaos.
I felt uncomfortable, for sure, because we couldn't really talk, and I was distracted by X shoveling goldfish into his face faster than he can chew them, plus my own grumbling stomach. J looked exhausted and didn't seem up to much conversation herself. Instead of the non-stop conversation we enjoyed at the first meeting, we just had a couple of short conversations. I asked J a few questions about how she's doing, how her appointments are going, etc. and left it at that. I did ask her how she's feeling about her decision to place, and she answered that she's still feeling good with the decision. She wants her caseworker to go with her to a midwife appointment so that her midwife has a clear picture of J's hospital plan. Important to note here, S didn't have any questions for her.
After she and her boys left, shit hit the fan.
I thought everything had gone as well as it could have given the 3 boys running around, and basically I didn't expect anything of substance out of this meeting other than to just get together to meet the kids. Apparently, our caseworker thought I was supposed to act differently. Caseworker said I looked like I wanted to be anywhere but in that room. That's not how I felt. I admitted to Caseworker that I feel shut down emotionally right now, because it's just too uncertain. I don't know how to feel at this moment. In trying to explain myself, I probably revealed too much about my therapy, how it lead me to the problems with my mom and how that's been affecting me over the last 6 months. I don't know what the hell that has to do with anything in this situation, other than it shows that I've been up to my eyeballs in shit on top of 2 failed matches.
The problem I have with this whole exchange between me and Caseworker is that she seemed to think that I should feel or act differently. That I should show joy in this match and expectation of the baby coming. This isn't my baby, not yet. In the hospital, if everything goes according to plan, I will feel more like this is my baby, but I've now had two babies literally dangled in front of me like fucking carrots and then yanked away a few days later. I am not able to forget that. I am also not able to pretend like that didn't happen!
Caseworker got irritated with me when I stated that I think J needs to really look at her options and needs to make her decision regardless of me and S. Caseworker insisted that some parents can't just make the decision to place and send their babies into a void. That these parents need to connect with the adoptive family to know that they are making the right decision. Really? Because, I see a woman in front of me who could parent if she had the proper support. That's where we are breaking down in communication, Caseworker and I. I've been reading too many family preservation type blogs, and Caseworker is in the business of adoption. What I know of J, this may be the best option for her considering her situation at the moment and obviously, I want another baby. I just really really want for her to have considered all her avenues, and I'm not sure she has. She seems to have set herself on this path without any looking back, or left or right. Based on some things she's said, I have to wonder if she's really working through the emotional part, and what will happen when the baby is here?
I left the meeting completely pissed off at Caseworker and frustrated that she didn't seem to have my best interests at heart. Since S and I drove separately, he ended up in the parking lot longer than me and X and ran into Caseworker as he was leaving. I guess she apologized for upsetting me, and S told her that he's not worried about me. Go S!
After all, I am the one who has been shopping for baby things, even though we are going to have 2 boys and we have all the stuff. But, you know, this baby should have some stuff to call his own. I am the one who has been looking at names more than S (a lot more, and we can't seem to agree).
I'm still shut down emotionally. I'm still protecting myself. I should be protecting myself. That's how I will get through this. Besides, if I'm not supposed to be telling the world that we're expecting a baby in a few weeks, then I have to be shut down. I can't go blabbing all over work like the pregnant ladies in the office for crying out loud. This could still fail.
This isn't my baby until the TPR papers are signed.
A good piece of information today was that the father has an appointment with the process server tomorrow to sign his TPR papers. So, there's that.
3.5 weeks to expected due date. 3.5 weeks of limbo. 3.5 weeks of wondering if this is our baby.
Because that's what happens when 3 boys under the age of 6 get together. Chaos. Loud, throwing stuff, feeding off each other chaos.
I felt uncomfortable, for sure, because we couldn't really talk, and I was distracted by X shoveling goldfish into his face faster than he can chew them, plus my own grumbling stomach. J looked exhausted and didn't seem up to much conversation herself. Instead of the non-stop conversation we enjoyed at the first meeting, we just had a couple of short conversations. I asked J a few questions about how she's doing, how her appointments are going, etc. and left it at that. I did ask her how she's feeling about her decision to place, and she answered that she's still feeling good with the decision. She wants her caseworker to go with her to a midwife appointment so that her midwife has a clear picture of J's hospital plan. Important to note here, S didn't have any questions for her.
After she and her boys left, shit hit the fan.
I thought everything had gone as well as it could have given the 3 boys running around, and basically I didn't expect anything of substance out of this meeting other than to just get together to meet the kids. Apparently, our caseworker thought I was supposed to act differently. Caseworker said I looked like I wanted to be anywhere but in that room. That's not how I felt. I admitted to Caseworker that I feel shut down emotionally right now, because it's just too uncertain. I don't know how to feel at this moment. In trying to explain myself, I probably revealed too much about my therapy, how it lead me to the problems with my mom and how that's been affecting me over the last 6 months. I don't know what the hell that has to do with anything in this situation, other than it shows that I've been up to my eyeballs in shit on top of 2 failed matches.
The problem I have with this whole exchange between me and Caseworker is that she seemed to think that I should feel or act differently. That I should show joy in this match and expectation of the baby coming. This isn't my baby, not yet. In the hospital, if everything goes according to plan, I will feel more like this is my baby, but I've now had two babies literally dangled in front of me like fucking carrots and then yanked away a few days later. I am not able to forget that. I am also not able to pretend like that didn't happen!
Caseworker got irritated with me when I stated that I think J needs to really look at her options and needs to make her decision regardless of me and S. Caseworker insisted that some parents can't just make the decision to place and send their babies into a void. That these parents need to connect with the adoptive family to know that they are making the right decision. Really? Because, I see a woman in front of me who could parent if she had the proper support. That's where we are breaking down in communication, Caseworker and I. I've been reading too many family preservation type blogs, and Caseworker is in the business of adoption. What I know of J, this may be the best option for her considering her situation at the moment and obviously, I want another baby. I just really really want for her to have considered all her avenues, and I'm not sure she has. She seems to have set herself on this path without any looking back, or left or right. Based on some things she's said, I have to wonder if she's really working through the emotional part, and what will happen when the baby is here?
I left the meeting completely pissed off at Caseworker and frustrated that she didn't seem to have my best interests at heart. Since S and I drove separately, he ended up in the parking lot longer than me and X and ran into Caseworker as he was leaving. I guess she apologized for upsetting me, and S told her that he's not worried about me. Go S!
After all, I am the one who has been shopping for baby things, even though we are going to have 2 boys and we have all the stuff. But, you know, this baby should have some stuff to call his own. I am the one who has been looking at names more than S (a lot more, and we can't seem to agree).
I'm still shut down emotionally. I'm still protecting myself. I should be protecting myself. That's how I will get through this. Besides, if I'm not supposed to be telling the world that we're expecting a baby in a few weeks, then I have to be shut down. I can't go blabbing all over work like the pregnant ladies in the office for crying out loud. This could still fail.
This isn't my baby until the TPR papers are signed.
A good piece of information today was that the father has an appointment with the process server tomorrow to sign his TPR papers. So, there's that.
3.5 weeks to expected due date. 3.5 weeks of limbo. 3.5 weeks of wondering if this is our baby.
Thursday, July 17, 2014
Meeting for the First Time
She is so freaking cute. Expectant mom, I mean.
We had our first meeting with her and it went really well. She chose us because we are kind of in the science industry as she has interest in the sciences. And did that show! I felt immediately in tune with her thought processes and logic.
We, well, I mostly, talked about the failed match with last summer and how that is affecting our approach to this match. While they are totally different situations, and this match is far more positive (in hindsight), it still remains that everything can change when the baby is born.
So, we'll see. Expected due date is August 31.
I told my supervisor, because I was supposed to travel the week of the due date, but I have been able to pass that project to someone else. I'm bummed about missing out on the opportunity to work on this particular dam, but I'll be able to stay involved a little bit by reviewing the report that comes out of it. It's hard to balance my desire to work on some of these projects with the realities of family life. Supervisor is supposed to keep it quiet given the last two failures, but that remains to be seen. He isn't the best at keeping information to himself.
We are thinking about names as she told us that she is not planning on nor has entertained any names. It's funny how much our list has changed since we first started trying to come up with a list.
I don't have much to write because I'm feeling shut-down. Anxiety is starting to rear its head, with tiny bursts of hopefulness. Very tiny. minuscule. I'm not sure I'm going to feel much of anything other than anxiety until there is a baby in our house for good.
We had our first meeting with her and it went really well. She chose us because we are kind of in the science industry as she has interest in the sciences. And did that show! I felt immediately in tune with her thought processes and logic.
We, well, I mostly, talked about the failed match with last summer and how that is affecting our approach to this match. While they are totally different situations, and this match is far more positive (in hindsight), it still remains that everything can change when the baby is born.
So, we'll see. Expected due date is August 31.
I told my supervisor, because I was supposed to travel the week of the due date, but I have been able to pass that project to someone else. I'm bummed about missing out on the opportunity to work on this particular dam, but I'll be able to stay involved a little bit by reviewing the report that comes out of it. It's hard to balance my desire to work on some of these projects with the realities of family life. Supervisor is supposed to keep it quiet given the last two failures, but that remains to be seen. He isn't the best at keeping information to himself.
We are thinking about names as she told us that she is not planning on nor has entertained any names. It's funny how much our list has changed since we first started trying to come up with a list.
I don't have much to write because I'm feeling shut-down. Anxiety is starting to rear its head, with tiny bursts of hopefulness. Very tiny. minuscule. I'm not sure I'm going to feel much of anything other than anxiety until there is a baby in our house for good.
Wednesday, July 9, 2014
The Formal Presentation and Updates
The formal presentation was on June 30 (our 12th wedding anniversary :) ). It went well, as expected.
The caseworker assigned to us is the former director of the agency and is being careful to make sure that everyone in the expectant mom's circle is agreeing with the plan to move forward with adoption. It was refreshing the way she took charge, instructing the birthfamily counselor to have a cradle care family on-call at the time of the birth, because if there's any ambivalence on the part of anyone involved, we aren't taking the baby home. We can't take that kind of emotional risk again. It made me wonder what went wrong with Axton's placement last year. I shouldn't be comparing placements because they are totally different situations, but I can't help it. The analytical, solving part of my brain is in overdrive to protect me emotionally.
I wish that pre-birth matching was not a thing. I wish that adoptive families weren't brought into the equation, even if chosen early, until after the birth. I think that there are too many emotions to work through immediately after the birth of a baby that one does not need more people involved. When our caseworker asked about us being at the hospital for the birth, we both waffled. Then decided we have to try not to compare cases (right, sure) and said we would be ok with being there. When our caseworker asked if we would want to be in the delivery room, it was a resounding "NO". I know people do it, but....yuck.
We got an update and more information about potential birthfather today. I see two yellow flags flapping vigorously: 1) Someone in her family is dealing with fertility issues and is thinking about adoption. I wonder what's up with that 2) Potential birthfather has not sent back social/medical history after verbally agreeing to the adoption plan. He's out of state and was responsive to the counselor until recently. Ugh.
I think about this match in the most abstract sense most of the time. It's relieved some stress in that I'm not sitting at work every day waiting for the phone to ring, but when S called me to read the update e-mail, my first thought was, "it already fell through". Maybe I'll feel better when we meet the expectant mom next week.
The caseworker assigned to us is the former director of the agency and is being careful to make sure that everyone in the expectant mom's circle is agreeing with the plan to move forward with adoption. It was refreshing the way she took charge, instructing the birthfamily counselor to have a cradle care family on-call at the time of the birth, because if there's any ambivalence on the part of anyone involved, we aren't taking the baby home. We can't take that kind of emotional risk again. It made me wonder what went wrong with Axton's placement last year. I shouldn't be comparing placements because they are totally different situations, but I can't help it. The analytical, solving part of my brain is in overdrive to protect me emotionally.
I wish that pre-birth matching was not a thing. I wish that adoptive families weren't brought into the equation, even if chosen early, until after the birth. I think that there are too many emotions to work through immediately after the birth of a baby that one does not need more people involved. When our caseworker asked about us being at the hospital for the birth, we both waffled. Then decided we have to try not to compare cases (right, sure) and said we would be ok with being there. When our caseworker asked if we would want to be in the delivery room, it was a resounding "NO". I know people do it, but....yuck.
We got an update and more information about potential birthfather today. I see two yellow flags flapping vigorously: 1) Someone in her family is dealing with fertility issues and is thinking about adoption. I wonder what's up with that 2) Potential birthfather has not sent back social/medical history after verbally agreeing to the adoption plan. He's out of state and was responsive to the counselor until recently. Ugh.
I think about this match in the most abstract sense most of the time. It's relieved some stress in that I'm not sitting at work every day waiting for the phone to ring, but when S called me to read the update e-mail, my first thought was, "it already fell through". Maybe I'll feel better when we meet the expectant mom next week.
Wednesday, June 25, 2014
3rd Time's the Charm?
I leave my cubical for 2.5 minutes to heat up lunch.
I get back to find that I missed a phone call from the agency.
Pretty sure it only means one thing at this point given the conversation that occurred a couple weeks ago.
I call back with my stomach in my throat, hands shaking.
Caseworker is on the phone. (f*ck!) I leave a voicemail.
I check e-mail to see if there's a real-time e-mail coming from S telling me he's on the phone. Nope.
I start to send him a text....
My desk phone rings. It's him.
I answer, "Please tell me Caseworker called you! Give me good news!"
It's good and terrifying
The basics:
- Baby boy due at the end of August (terrifying, long time)
- Mom really likes our open attitude (yay!)
- Mom wants to meet a couple times before birth
- Mom has been engaged in counseling for a while (good - better than last year when D was trying to pretend like it wasn't all happening)
- Dad on board with adoption plan.
- Dad not in state, but appears to want some kind of communication
More details will be given to us on Monday. For us, it's a formality, this "formal presentation". We have never said No after the formal presentation. We're matched again: it feels exciting, scary, terrifying, and I'm petrified. But I want to go shopping for baby crap that we don't need! That's positive, right?
I have a dam inspection at the end of August. Figures.
I get back to find that I missed a phone call from the agency.
Pretty sure it only means one thing at this point given the conversation that occurred a couple weeks ago.
I call back with my stomach in my throat, hands shaking.
Caseworker is on the phone. (f*ck!) I leave a voicemail.
I check e-mail to see if there's a real-time e-mail coming from S telling me he's on the phone. Nope.
I start to send him a text....
My desk phone rings. It's him.
I answer, "Please tell me Caseworker called you! Give me good news!"
It's good and terrifying
The basics:
- Baby boy due at the end of August (terrifying, long time)
- Mom really likes our open attitude (yay!)
- Mom wants to meet a couple times before birth
- Mom has been engaged in counseling for a while (good - better than last year when D was trying to pretend like it wasn't all happening)
- Dad on board with adoption plan.
- Dad not in state, but appears to want some kind of communication
More details will be given to us on Monday. For us, it's a formality, this "formal presentation". We have never said No after the formal presentation. We're matched again: it feels exciting, scary, terrifying, and I'm petrified. But I want to go shopping for baby crap that we don't need! That's positive, right?
I have a dam inspection at the end of August. Figures.
Wednesday, June 11, 2014
On the Adoption Waiting Front
The update for June came yesterday. We are still at position No. 10 on the waiting list, so if they've had placements, they've all been people who are lower than us on the list. I kind of hate knowing that.
Our caseworker is going on maternity leave, which means that once again we are being shuffled around to another caseworker. When we were waiting for X, we started with caseworker A, she left the state, so we got caseworker B, caseworker B left the state a few months after we met her, and we ended up with caseworker C. Then caseworker A came back to the agency and we ended up back with her. This time, we are actually being handed over to the former director of the agency, who was C's counselor and helped facilitate our meetings the first year we knew C. So, I actually feel good about this switch. We already know her, and we chose this agency largely based on her presentation at the informational meeting we had. Besides, we need to be treated with kid gloves given what we've been through the last year.
I think our profile is out right now as there was a hint that there may be something coming up soon, but she didn't want to tell us details unless we ask. We know better at this point to ask for details, and had specifically told her not to tell us when we are being profiled. I don't know which way is better. Way back in February we knew we were being profiled a couple of times, but nothing came of those and the anxiety waiting to hear about whether we were moving forward was horrible. So, I think we'll just take the big hint and try not to think about it, and just wait for the phone to ring for real. When she starts dropping hints like this, it usually means that something is going to come up in the next couple of weeks.
It's pretty sad that I've been through this enough times that I can analyze all the past profilings and matches and know what's going on without asking questions.
Our caseworker is going on maternity leave, which means that once again we are being shuffled around to another caseworker. When we were waiting for X, we started with caseworker A, she left the state, so we got caseworker B, caseworker B left the state a few months after we met her, and we ended up with caseworker C. Then caseworker A came back to the agency and we ended up back with her. This time, we are actually being handed over to the former director of the agency, who was C's counselor and helped facilitate our meetings the first year we knew C. So, I actually feel good about this switch. We already know her, and we chose this agency largely based on her presentation at the informational meeting we had. Besides, we need to be treated with kid gloves given what we've been through the last year.
I think our profile is out right now as there was a hint that there may be something coming up soon, but she didn't want to tell us details unless we ask. We know better at this point to ask for details, and had specifically told her not to tell us when we are being profiled. I don't know which way is better. Way back in February we knew we were being profiled a couple of times, but nothing came of those and the anxiety waiting to hear about whether we were moving forward was horrible. So, I think we'll just take the big hint and try not to think about it, and just wait for the phone to ring for real. When she starts dropping hints like this, it usually means that something is going to come up in the next couple of weeks.
It's pretty sad that I've been through this enough times that I can analyze all the past profilings and matches and know what's going on without asking questions.
Sunday, March 30, 2014
How We Are Approaching a Match After a Failed Placement
We could have had a placement ceremony already and just be waiting for the baby to come home, but we didn't. After the excruciating experience of packing a baby's things and driving them back to the agency 3 days after placement, we can't just dive in again. When we were matched and placed with Baby A last summer we chose to believe his mom and the agency that it was going to be successful. We tossed all the eggs into the basket so to speak, and drove away happily on a Friday afternoon. The following Monday afternoon, it all came crashing down in spectacular fashion.
Fuck no, I am not putting myself through that again.
So, there's been no placement. Why, when there's no question that his mother will be terminating rights? Because there's the other half of the equation, the baby's father. Normally, this would have gone much differently. The prospective adoptive parents would have thought nothing of going through with placement immediately in this case. It really seems like a slam dunk given the circumstances, to any other prospective adoptive family. But we've been there. To the ultimate dark side for an adoptive parent. We have struggled to build our family for so long, have been caring and compassionate towards the mothers who feel that they have to place their babies, have opened the door wide to including them in our family, because after all, they are the families of our children too. To have what we thought was the end of the journey yanked away was devastating. We felt broken and numb and grieved for months over it. And, even though we felt broken, we realized that Baby A and his mom needed to be together. Even though she thought that it was the right decision at the time, once she was separated from him she couldn't bear to be away from him and she realized that she could make it work.
Bringing me to this baby's father. Normally, the father is brushed off, not a potential roadblock, they probably won't contest the adoption. This father is being presented as that type of guy, and he may well be, but what if he's not? He has the right to parent. If he is in a place of his life where a light bulb may have gone on and he realized that he should take responsibility, then he should be granted that right. This baby is his child. We don't know exactly what he knows and doesn't know, so until he is handed those papers, we don't know how this will turn out. Unfortunately, he wasn't handed papers when we thought he was, and we are still in limbo.
It's hard to keep that thought in my head though, "this is his child and if he can parent and he wants to parent, he should be able to" when I'm in the NICU holding his baby, promoting attachment between me and his baby, and giving the love and affection that nurses don't. (Nurses are great, they just have to have some detachment to do this job, because well, emotions will get you every time). My day to day life is melding into one - taking X to daycare, going to the hospital, hanging out for several hours, feeling guilty about going home, worrying whether this is my baby or not, attempting to figure out dinner with S, staring a sinkful of dishes then saying fuck it and having another glass of wine.
I'm currently signed out of work under "family emergency". I haven't told my parents, but I told a brother out of state and swore him to secrecy. I haven't told any friends. I'm trying to pretend like it's business as usual, except that its not. S has told his family, although he has kept details minimal.
I want so bad to be able to tell everyone that this is my baby, that my family building days are finally over, but I can't. People don't know what to do when a match fails. They don't understand the devastation it wreaks on our psyche, and they seem to assume that you'll get over it because you didn't have the baby that long. Is it perhaps, similar to a miscarriage? I would guess it is, but I've never had a miscarriage so I don't know. Anyway, because people don't understand it, we just can't let them be privy to the information before it happens. I want help because damn it, the baby is in a NICU and it isn't exactly close to my house! I have some romantic notion that when a baby is in the NICU that the parents get all kinds of love and support and home cooked meals, and house cleaning, and babysitting....delusional, right? But it's there, that ridiculous romanticized notion of a village helping each other. I want to scream to everyone that this is hard, the hospital is hard (and old, and ugly) and kangaroo care in a common room is slightly embarrassing even if I'm wearing a sports bra, and I hate wearing sports bras unless I'm working out, and I don't have any fucking button down shirts so now I have to go shopping.....well, you get the picture.
But, I'm not screaming, yet. I'm too scared that this match might fall through after I've spent multiple days in a hospital caring for a baby who is not yet mine.
Fuck no, I am not putting myself through that again.
So, there's been no placement. Why, when there's no question that his mother will be terminating rights? Because there's the other half of the equation, the baby's father. Normally, this would have gone much differently. The prospective adoptive parents would have thought nothing of going through with placement immediately in this case. It really seems like a slam dunk given the circumstances, to any other prospective adoptive family. But we've been there. To the ultimate dark side for an adoptive parent. We have struggled to build our family for so long, have been caring and compassionate towards the mothers who feel that they have to place their babies, have opened the door wide to including them in our family, because after all, they are the families of our children too. To have what we thought was the end of the journey yanked away was devastating. We felt broken and numb and grieved for months over it. And, even though we felt broken, we realized that Baby A and his mom needed to be together. Even though she thought that it was the right decision at the time, once she was separated from him she couldn't bear to be away from him and she realized that she could make it work.
Bringing me to this baby's father. Normally, the father is brushed off, not a potential roadblock, they probably won't contest the adoption. This father is being presented as that type of guy, and he may well be, but what if he's not? He has the right to parent. If he is in a place of his life where a light bulb may have gone on and he realized that he should take responsibility, then he should be granted that right. This baby is his child. We don't know exactly what he knows and doesn't know, so until he is handed those papers, we don't know how this will turn out. Unfortunately, he wasn't handed papers when we thought he was, and we are still in limbo.
It's hard to keep that thought in my head though, "this is his child and if he can parent and he wants to parent, he should be able to" when I'm in the NICU holding his baby, promoting attachment between me and his baby, and giving the love and affection that nurses don't. (Nurses are great, they just have to have some detachment to do this job, because well, emotions will get you every time). My day to day life is melding into one - taking X to daycare, going to the hospital, hanging out for several hours, feeling guilty about going home, worrying whether this is my baby or not, attempting to figure out dinner with S, staring a sinkful of dishes then saying fuck it and having another glass of wine.
I'm currently signed out of work under "family emergency". I haven't told my parents, but I told a brother out of state and swore him to secrecy. I haven't told any friends. I'm trying to pretend like it's business as usual, except that its not. S has told his family, although he has kept details minimal.
I want so bad to be able to tell everyone that this is my baby, that my family building days are finally over, but I can't. People don't know what to do when a match fails. They don't understand the devastation it wreaks on our psyche, and they seem to assume that you'll get over it because you didn't have the baby that long. Is it perhaps, similar to a miscarriage? I would guess it is, but I've never had a miscarriage so I don't know. Anyway, because people don't understand it, we just can't let them be privy to the information before it happens. I want help because damn it, the baby is in a NICU and it isn't exactly close to my house! I have some romantic notion that when a baby is in the NICU that the parents get all kinds of love and support and home cooked meals, and house cleaning, and babysitting....delusional, right? But it's there, that ridiculous romanticized notion of a village helping each other. I want to scream to everyone that this is hard, the hospital is hard (and old, and ugly) and kangaroo care in a common room is slightly embarrassing even if I'm wearing a sports bra, and I hate wearing sports bras unless I'm working out, and I don't have any fucking button down shirts so now I have to go shopping.....well, you get the picture.
But, I'm not screaming, yet. I'm too scared that this match might fall through after I've spent multiple days in a hospital caring for a baby who is not yet mine.
Tuesday, March 25, 2014
Lighter Fare - We're Matched!
The past several weeks have been trying to say the least. We've been profiled 3 times that we know of, and I have to say, that's 3 times too many than I wanted to know. It was so much easier with X, when they called us on a Thursday to ask a question, followed up on Friday and told us we'd been matched. This has been almost a whole month of nail-biting.
It might be over. After agreeing to be profiled again early last week, we got the call yesterday that we are matched with a baby boy, already born and in cradle care. Unlike the failed placement last summer, this is less risk for us, but it's not completely gone yet. His mother does not have the option to parent, but his father has to be served. Hopefully we will know his intention in the next few days with regards to whether he will contest the adoption. It's a small risk that he will, considering his past and present situation, but it's still there.
Neither S nor I feel like this is our baby...yet. The failed match did a number on our faith in the caseworkers to read a situation and advise us properly. I know it sounds like I'm blaming them for something that they really didn't know would happen. Sometimes, you just have to take what someone tells you at face value, and we did that with D. Still, I wish that our caseworker hadn't been so eager and optimistic. Now, we are both shut down to a degree in order to protect ourselves should the baby's father decide he would like to parent.
We visited the baby, held him, fed him and I could totally be his mother. I just don't know if I am yet.
It might be over. After agreeing to be profiled again early last week, we got the call yesterday that we are matched with a baby boy, already born and in cradle care. Unlike the failed placement last summer, this is less risk for us, but it's not completely gone yet. His mother does not have the option to parent, but his father has to be served. Hopefully we will know his intention in the next few days with regards to whether he will contest the adoption. It's a small risk that he will, considering his past and present situation, but it's still there.
Neither S nor I feel like this is our baby...yet. The failed match did a number on our faith in the caseworkers to read a situation and advise us properly. I know it sounds like I'm blaming them for something that they really didn't know would happen. Sometimes, you just have to take what someone tells you at face value, and we did that with D. Still, I wish that our caseworker hadn't been so eager and optimistic. Now, we are both shut down to a degree in order to protect ourselves should the baby's father decide he would like to parent.
We visited the baby, held him, fed him and I could totally be his mother. I just don't know if I am yet.
Thursday, February 27, 2014
Anxiety and Waiting
Two and a half weeks ago I talked to our caseworker because she had sent a weird cryptic e-mail. She was trying to be neutral, but I'm so sensitive to any kind of hint, that I knew something was up. I tried to wait for S to call her (because he's supposed to be the contact to take the pressure off of me), but alas, my own anxiety took over and I made the phone call. I just had to know why she was asking what she was asking.
Turns out, someone has our profile right now. I don't know details because I didn't want them as I don't want to get ahead of myself. Our usual tactic has been to only get the phone call when we are chosen. We don't want to know when we are being considered because then this happens:
Turns out, someone has our profile right now. I don't know details because I didn't want them as I don't want to get ahead of myself. Our usual tactic has been to only get the phone call when we are chosen. We don't want to know when we are being considered because then this happens:
- I spend every day wondering if caseworker will call with a yes or no answer
- 2.5 weeks go by with no communication and I'm a mess
- S wonders what my problem is. He figures we'll find out when we find out and why worry about it now? (hahahahahaha)
I finally got an update from caseworker earlier this week. The update was exactly what I thought it would be....she hasn't gotten an update, and she doesn't know anything.
I've learned my lesson. Knowing this information has not made me more comfortable, it makes me, well, just as anxious as I was before making that phone call to ask why she was asking the questions. Maybe more.
There's nothing to do but wait.
Thursday, February 6, 2014
Number 14
For the first time in our 2 adoption journeys, we've dropped in standings instead of advanced. That was kind of a crappy e-mail to read. The issue is that one family who was ahead of us had put their adoption on hold and in the last month reactivated their profile. No placements in January, and there you have it. Beginning of January we were #13, and by the end #14. We're moving backwards instead of forwards.
A slight glimmer of hope is that the caseworker said that there are a some possible situations coming up in the next few months. Not that the statement of a few months is all that comforting, since in my head it damn well better happen in a few months.
It's so hard to be waiting like this again. This is the excruciating part, where I can't wait for it to be over, but I have no idea when that will be. Couple that with how much I've learned about adoption in the past couple of years of living it, and there's an internal fight going on within me. It's hard to be excited about a baby when I know the losses on the other side are life-long.
We've considered other options, like foster to adopt, or remaining a family of 3, or even IVF over the past year. That's a lot of shit to work through, and at the end of the day, the decision is still that we want to be a family of four. I feel like I have to defend that want knowing what I know now about adoption. I read blogs of adoptees and first-parents and feel like a monster. It's hard to separate what a few people on the inter-webs are writing and what our personal journey looks like. Logically, I know that S and I proceed with caution and ethically, and especially after having a failed match, we'll be more inquisitive about the expectant parents' resources. Emotionally, I feel greedy, like why isn't one child good enough? Why not save us some money and potential heartache? The best answer I have to that is unsatisfactory, I'm sure, but simple. I have always wanted 2 kids, and after everything I've been through I don't want to compromise.
Wednesday, December 18, 2013
Waiting…for Something to Happen
It took us 2 months to make a decision to go on vacation. During the wait, some people say live your life, but start nesting. Come again? How do I "nest" and live my life? By the very definition, "nesting" is slowing down and getting the house and mind ready for baby. When I have no earthly idea when baby is showing up, it's impossible to get ready for baby, even though we have all the accoutrements for baby. Mentally, I'm not there. Not even close, despite a few baby purchases in anticipation, and I doubt S is too. So, S and I tend to live our lives as best we can, except that comes with caveats as well. How do I live my life, when the phone call could come tomorrow or 3 months from now?
A colleague is moving to New Zealand for work. I immediately thought that this was a great opportunity for S and I to seize in the near future. Go visit and have the inside advantage of hooking up with someone who lives there! But when? Well, she and her husband will be there at least 2 years, so the obvious answer is sometime in the next 2 years. Except that, there is a baby on the way (we think, at some point, maybe) and for 6 months after the baby's arrival, there is no leaving the country. Ok, so that gives us a ball park of when we could first think about going. And then, I start to think, well, I really can't see leaving such young children for 2 weeks or more so that S and I can gallivant around another country, so that means, family vacation! I'm guessing that we'll want to wrangle one mobile kid, and one-still-happy-with-slings baby (assuming baby is happy with slings), instead of 2 mobile toddler-types. So, that means, aim for right after finalization…..and then my head starts to hurt. Because, when will it happen?
The vacation, that took us 2 months to decide? It's simply to visit my brother and his family in Oregon. At this point, I'm hoping that we can get through that vacation without a phone call from the adoption agency, but at the same time I can't get through the day without wondering if today will be the day that call comes.
A colleague is moving to New Zealand for work. I immediately thought that this was a great opportunity for S and I to seize in the near future. Go visit and have the inside advantage of hooking up with someone who lives there! But when? Well, she and her husband will be there at least 2 years, so the obvious answer is sometime in the next 2 years. Except that, there is a baby on the way (we think, at some point, maybe) and for 6 months after the baby's arrival, there is no leaving the country. Ok, so that gives us a ball park of when we could first think about going. And then, I start to think, well, I really can't see leaving such young children for 2 weeks or more so that S and I can gallivant around another country, so that means, family vacation! I'm guessing that we'll want to wrangle one mobile kid, and one-still-happy-with-slings baby (assuming baby is happy with slings), instead of 2 mobile toddler-types. So, that means, aim for right after finalization…..and then my head starts to hurt. Because, when will it happen?
The vacation, that took us 2 months to decide? It's simply to visit my brother and his family in Oregon. At this point, I'm hoping that we can get through that vacation without a phone call from the adoption agency, but at the same time I can't get through the day without wondering if today will be the day that call comes.
Wednesday, September 4, 2013
Sad
This has officially become the summer of suck. I find myself wondering what would have happened if I hadn't started therapy. Much like my acupuncturist during our hard core TTC days, my therapist thought I only needed a few months of "adjustment" therapy. hahahahahahaha.
Therapist keeps bringing up the concept of complex grief (which, I've researched, of course). I don't quite get it, and I don't really see how we fit in it, based on the definitions I've found, but we all know how reliable the interwebs are.
Yes, it seems that the match would not have worked. That's the fact. The emotion? Can't put it into words. It's one thing to be told that you weren't chosen when you haven't already gone through a spectacularly failed match.
S and I both are traumatized and it is going to come out any time that we are matched from here on out. I've done a lot of grieving and feeling like shit over the past few months. S has stuffed it all down and won't go there. It isn't making us a very good team at the moment.
When this latest potential match was presented to us, S immediately researched on Dr. Goo.gle and found the stuff he wanted to read to convince him that this would be difficult right off the bat. It had nothing to do with the communication agreement, and everything to do with him finding a reason that he didn't want it to work. That's his trauma coming up. I pushed further and tried to look at it as a separate situation, but when we weren't chosen, all I feel is rejection, sadness and anger. Someone keeps dangling a fucking carrot in our faces and then yanking it away.
Suddenly, donor embryos seem like a good idea. Too bad that S is totally not on board because of the cost (C.C.R.M. is stupid-expensive at about $6k per FET), and the fact that it's not a guarantee to succeed.
For the record, this isn't our first rodeo at renewing our homestudy (oh yeah, and it's like $3k because we have to pay the rest of the birthparent crises fund). We had to renew when we were waiting for X and were 2 weeks away from our 2nd renewal when we were matched.
I'm pissed off and sad and traumatized because for 3 short days I had a baby and our long-ass family building journey was over. Now, I'm getting reminded at every turn (pregnant friends, newborn babies, baby showers, weddings) that we are stuck in a waiting game. Wait. Wait. Wait.
Therapist keeps bringing up the concept of complex grief (which, I've researched, of course). I don't quite get it, and I don't really see how we fit in it, based on the definitions I've found, but we all know how reliable the interwebs are.
Yes, it seems that the match would not have worked. That's the fact. The emotion? Can't put it into words. It's one thing to be told that you weren't chosen when you haven't already gone through a spectacularly failed match.
S and I both are traumatized and it is going to come out any time that we are matched from here on out. I've done a lot of grieving and feeling like shit over the past few months. S has stuffed it all down and won't go there. It isn't making us a very good team at the moment.
When this latest potential match was presented to us, S immediately researched on Dr. Goo.gle and found the stuff he wanted to read to convince him that this would be difficult right off the bat. It had nothing to do with the communication agreement, and everything to do with him finding a reason that he didn't want it to work. That's his trauma coming up. I pushed further and tried to look at it as a separate situation, but when we weren't chosen, all I feel is rejection, sadness and anger. Someone keeps dangling a fucking carrot in our faces and then yanking it away.
Suddenly, donor embryos seem like a good idea. Too bad that S is totally not on board because of the cost (C.C.R.M. is stupid-expensive at about $6k per FET), and the fact that it's not a guarantee to succeed.
For the record, this isn't our first rodeo at renewing our homestudy (oh yeah, and it's like $3k because we have to pay the rest of the birthparent crises fund). We had to renew when we were waiting for X and were 2 weeks away from our 2nd renewal when we were matched.
I'm pissed off and sad and traumatized because for 3 short days I had a baby and our long-ass family building journey was over. Now, I'm getting reminded at every turn (pregnant friends, newborn babies, baby showers, weddings) that we are stuck in a waiting game. Wait. Wait. Wait.
Wednesday, May 29, 2013
He Waited a Day
This morning while S was on the way to work and I was herding Seth* (formerly Baby X) out the door, the phone call came. D was in the hospital and birth was imminent. Get ready!
After dropping Seth off at daycare, I met S at home and exchanged several phone calls with our caseworker. We decided to meet at 9:30am at the hospital so that she could check on D and talk with the hospital social worker before bringing us into the mix.
At 9:45 am we met Calvin (bouncing baby boy) for the first time. D was worried about going into labor yesterday because she didn't want to mess up Seth's birthday. So, he waited a day and Seth got a day at the zoo, plus some birthday cake!
*i decided to go with pseudonyms on the blog. Names we liked but didn't fit either baby.
Monday, May 27, 2013
Aaaawhhhhhhh!!!!!!
Nothing. What a fucking weekend to have a holiday on. We won't even get an update until tomorrow.
We know that she was going to tell her mom this weekend about the pregnancy and adoption plan. Her family doesn't help with her first child, whom she is parenting, so will they step up now that there are two? It's a question that I really wish had been answered before we were brought into the mix. The thought of going to work tomorrow is making me anxious and slightly ticked off. The thought of potentially having to untell our news? Ugh.
We know that she was going to tell her mom this weekend about the pregnancy and adoption plan. Her family doesn't help with her first child, whom she is parenting, so will they step up now that there are two? It's a question that I really wish had been answered before we were brought into the mix. The thought of going to work tomorrow is making me anxious and slightly ticked off. The thought of potentially having to untell our news? Ugh.
Thursday, May 23, 2013
Tick Tock
Well, nothing yet. A checkup yesterday revealed no contractions, but the baby is doing great. The doctors are sticking with a May 25th due date, so no talk of inducing until a certain time period past that window.
I'm happy that she is keeping in close contact with her counselor, and that we are getting periodic updates, because my mind just wanders in all kinds of directions. Staying present and focused is barely possible. Crazy-ass scenarios pop up on an hourly basis (thanks TV), and I have to fight hard to breathe, calm down, and realize that a) Not likely to happen, and b) We have no rights to this baby until the parents sign the TPR. The attempt to stay detached has gone away since we decided on a name and I can't stop thinking of the baby as _______.
I'm happy that she is keeping in close contact with her counselor, and that we are getting periodic updates, because my mind just wanders in all kinds of directions. Staying present and focused is barely possible. Crazy-ass scenarios pop up on an hourly basis (thanks TV), and I have to fight hard to breathe, calm down, and realize that a) Not likely to happen, and b) We have no rights to this baby until the parents sign the TPR. The attempt to stay detached has gone away since we decided on a name and I can't stop thinking of the baby as _______.
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