The formal presentation was on June 30 (our 12th wedding anniversary :) ). It went well, as expected.
The caseworker assigned to us is the former director of the agency and is being careful to make sure that everyone in the expectant mom's circle is agreeing with the plan to move forward with adoption. It was refreshing the way she took charge, instructing the birthfamily counselor to have a cradle care family on-call at the time of the birth, because if there's any ambivalence on the part of anyone involved, we aren't taking the baby home. We can't take that kind of emotional risk again. It made me wonder what went wrong with Axton's placement last year. I shouldn't be comparing placements because they are totally different situations, but I can't help it. The analytical, solving part of my brain is in overdrive to protect me emotionally.
I wish that pre-birth matching was not a thing. I wish that adoptive families weren't brought into the equation, even if chosen early, until after the birth. I think that there are too many emotions to work through immediately after the birth of a baby that one does not need more people involved. When our caseworker asked about us being at the hospital for the birth, we both waffled. Then decided we have to try not to compare cases (right, sure) and said we would be ok with being there. When our caseworker asked if we would want to be in the delivery room, it was a resounding "NO". I know people do it, but....yuck.
We got an update and more information about potential birthfather today. I see two yellow flags flapping vigorously: 1) Someone in her family is dealing with fertility issues and is thinking about adoption. I wonder what's up with that 2) Potential birthfather has not sent back social/medical history after verbally agreeing to the adoption plan. He's out of state and was responsive to the counselor until recently. Ugh.
I think about this match in the most abstract sense most of the time. It's relieved some stress in that I'm not sitting at work every day waiting for the phone to ring, but when S called me to read the update e-mail, my first thought was, "it already fell through". Maybe I'll feel better when we meet the expectant mom next week.
I'm surprised your case worker thinks you should have any involvement before the birth, since this is a second try. Ours wanted to protect us from birth family involvement and drama, as well as costs, since the second was out of state. That isn't what happened, ultimately, of course. I will be thinking of you. - "shakti"
ReplyDeleteI wish they were a little better about that too given that we're totally marching down the same meet-hospital-direct placement path. But as we learned, even if we're involved after the birth (the match in March), things can still go horribly awry. But that was birthfather issues they didn't anticipate. No one would have in that case - he totally came out of left field. *sigh*
DeletePhew, so scary, and so exciting. Just praying this turns out well for you this time around...
ReplyDeleteThinking of you as the birth draws near.
ReplyDeleteWow...there are so many emotions involved. I totally understand you trying to distance yourselves a little since you have been burned in the past. It is such a scary road to travel. It makes me want to shake the people that say "oh, you should just adopt" when they learn of our fertility issues. There's nothing easy about adoption and I wish that more people understood that. We are all hoping that this works out for you and that you get to bring that baby home for good. I'm glad your caseworker is working very closely with the birth mother. I've heard terrible stories of birth moms being pressured into things and it's nice to know that there are caseworkers out there that are sensitive to what both parties are experiencing.
ReplyDeleteIt sounds like you are taking really good steps to protect your heart while at the same time opening it right up. Thinking of you and your family in the days to come and hoping with ten crossed fingers that this is finally it !
ReplyDeleteI've been thinking of you. Sending you good vibes!!!
ReplyDeleteWe met our expectant mum months before delivery - and I have to say, it was just a rollercoaster for us. It worked out for us in the end, but it was a real nail biter. Your heart can only take so much. In the end, all that matters is that the child will be with a family who loves and cares for them.
ReplyDeleteI am finally on my computer, to be able to comment and say... I am sending you many good thoughts and cheering you on... one step at a time. I hate that you have to mentally brace yourself, but I totally understand.
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