We met with J (expectant mom) again tonight. This meeting was to get together with our kids and let them play together, meet them, etc. X and I got there late because of traffic (and J was waaaay early). S was a few minutes before X and I, so I walked into a room with 2 boys running around and everyone just sitting around watching them. Ok, I can handle that, just add my boy to the mix and we'll watch them for an hour.
Because that's what happens when 3 boys under the age of 6 get together. Chaos. Loud, throwing stuff, feeding off each other chaos.
I felt uncomfortable, for sure, because we couldn't really talk, and I was distracted by X shoveling goldfish into his face faster than he can chew them, plus my own grumbling stomach. J looked exhausted and didn't seem up to much conversation herself. Instead of the non-stop conversation we enjoyed at the first meeting, we just had a couple of short conversations. I asked J a few questions about how she's doing, how her appointments are going, etc. and left it at that. I did ask her how she's feeling about her decision to place, and she answered that she's still feeling good with the decision. She wants her caseworker to go with her to a midwife appointment so that her midwife has a clear picture of J's hospital plan. Important to note here, S didn't have any questions for her.
After she and her boys left, shit hit the fan.
I thought everything had gone as well as it could have given the 3 boys running around, and basically I didn't expect anything of substance out of this meeting other than to just get together to meet the kids. Apparently, our caseworker thought I was supposed to act differently. Caseworker said I looked like I wanted to be anywhere but in that room. That's not how I felt. I admitted to Caseworker that I feel shut down emotionally right now, because it's just too uncertain. I don't know how to feel at this moment. In trying to explain myself, I probably revealed too much about my therapy, how it lead me to the problems with my mom and how that's been affecting me over the last 6 months. I don't know what the hell that has to do with anything in this situation, other than it shows that I've been up to my eyeballs in shit on top of 2 failed matches.
The problem I have with this whole exchange between me and Caseworker is that she seemed to think that I should feel or act differently. That I should show joy in this match and expectation of the baby coming. This isn't my baby, not yet. In the hospital, if everything goes according to plan, I will feel more like this is my baby, but I've now had two babies literally dangled in front of me like fucking carrots and then yanked away a few days later. I am not able to forget that. I am also not able to pretend like that didn't happen!
Caseworker got irritated with me when I stated that I think J needs to really look at her options and needs to make her decision regardless of me and S. Caseworker insisted that some parents can't just make the decision to place and send their babies into a void. That these parents need to connect with the adoptive family to know that they are making the right decision. Really? Because, I see a woman in front of me who could parent if she had the proper support. That's where we are breaking down in communication, Caseworker and I. I've been reading too many family preservation type blogs, and Caseworker is in the business of adoption. What I know of J, this may be the best option for her considering her situation at the moment and obviously, I want another baby. I just really really want for her to have considered all her avenues, and I'm not sure she has. She seems to have set herself on this path without any looking back, or left or right. Based on some things she's said, I have to wonder if she's really working through the emotional part, and what will happen when the baby is here?
I left the meeting completely pissed off at Caseworker and frustrated that she didn't seem to have my best interests at heart. Since S and I drove separately, he ended up in the parking lot longer than me and X and ran into Caseworker as he was leaving. I guess she apologized for upsetting me, and S told her that he's not worried about me. Go S!
After all, I am the one who has been shopping for baby things, even though we are going to have 2 boys and we have all the stuff. But, you know, this baby should have some stuff to call his own. I am the one who has been looking at names more than S (a lot more, and we can't seem to agree).
I'm still shut down emotionally. I'm still protecting myself. I should be protecting myself. That's how I will get through this. Besides, if I'm not supposed to be telling the world that we're expecting a baby in a few weeks, then I have to be shut down. I can't go blabbing all over work like the pregnant ladies in the office for crying out loud. This could still fail.
This isn't my baby until the TPR papers are signed.
A good piece of information today was that the father has an appointment with the process server tomorrow to sign his TPR papers. So, there's that.
3.5 weeks to expected due date. 3.5 weeks of limbo. 3.5 weeks of wondering if this is our baby.
Wow. I'm sure it's hard for you to try and explain yourself to the Caseworker when she obviously has a preset notion of how you should be acting. I can sort of relate in a different way. I had a miscarriage on a pregnancy that I was pretty much all in on. I got pregnant again. I was more fearful, less optimistic and definitely more distant from the second pregnancy. I had the "wait and see" frame of mind. It was not any easier when I lost that pregnancy, especially since I saw a heartbeat on that one. Has the Caseworker experienced a failed match or a lost pregnancy? It's human nature to self preserve and you are doing just that. I'm sorry it didn't go better. I hope that this works out for you. I think it's great that you are thinking so much about the birth mom in this situation. Many people see them as an incubator and that is so very sad to me. Anyway, sorry this got so long. I just want to let you know that I'm rooting for you and I hope that things get better and a little easier to deal with. (((hugs)))
ReplyDeleteThere is so much here. I understand so much of this and wish I was sitting there with you having this conversation.
ReplyDeleteMy first thought when I read this was if you and S could have a meeting with J at some point in the next week or two to give you an opportunity to say what you need to say to her and hear what you need to hear. I think you need to tell her what is in your heart and ask her if she has considered parenting. I think for your peace of mind you want/need to tell her that she can do this if she wants to and you support her decision. That this decision is about her and the baby, that you and S will be okay no matter the outcome and everything in between. I'm wondering if this is something you would be able to do without having a caseworker there? Just a heart to heart between the three of you to make sure you're all on the same page.
My next thought is that your caseworker is out of touch with where you're at and that it's completely unfair for her to have expectations of your behaviour in a situation like this. It's stressful, it's awkward - you have a million personal questions for J (I imagine) but you are just getting to know each other at the same time, yet you are about to embark on one of the most personal relationships that either of you have entered into. It's such a weird space to be in. So, point being, it's unfair for anyone to expect anything of anyone in this situation... especially after work with three boys running around, getting to know each other, likely being somewhat embarrassing and making you feel a bit on the spot as a parent. I don't know - I would have found this situation to be very stressful and as though I was being judged a little bit ... then to find out at the end of it that someone was in fact judging you would be a real shot to the heart.
On J - so, I am not a birth mom nor have I ever been an expectant mom in this situation at all. BUT, in the event that she does choose to place her baby, this is likely the best situation for her at the time. You question whether she understands what the impact of her decision will be in the long-term - I can only assume that she doesn't fully comprehend what emotional turmoil is coming down the pipe. But she is making this decision knowing full well her side of the story and her circumstances and she is making this decision for her baby, for herself and for her family. Family preservation type blogs are good to read and to gain a sense of awareness, but I don't believe that family preservation is the right decision for every family. Not every person is equipped at a point in time (emotionally, financially, circumstantially, etc.) to parent. I do believe that adoption, that OPEN adoption, can be a healthy decision for expectant mothers. This is not saying that they don't regret/second guess their decisions at points in the relationship, but at a point in time with a crisis-type pregnancy, placing their child with a family that can provide the things they want for their child isn't a bad thing. It can actually be a very good thing.
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The bottom line with what I'm trying to say I think is that you are going to do everything you can to ensure that this woman, this mother, doesn't feel coerced or forced. That you understand how difficult the road ahead is, because you've been down it before - and you know even happy endings have sad/difficult moments. Adoption is beautiful, but it's fucking hard too. But please know in your heart of hearts that it's not terrible - that there are happy endings (happy beginnings).
ReplyDeleteI hope you have an opportunity to connect with J one on one. I hope that your caseworker lays off a bit. I hope that you allow yourself some moments of excitement - which I know you are. But you're right - it's not the same as being pregnant and knowing with near-certainty (unless of a horrible medical issue or something) that you are bringing a baby home. It's so scary and it's nearly impossible not to try and protect your heart as much as you can, to guard yourself against possible blows.
Hang in there - I think you're doing great. I think moments like those are important to have with J - because it's not going to always be happy and giggles all the time. And now you each know you can survive awkward moments and it's ok. As much as you can, let it roll off your back and shake it off until the next meeting.
Hugs hugs hugs
That is a really shitty situation (that caseworker is putting you in) and I'm made at her on your behalf. You have EVERY RIGHT to be approaching this placement with the emotional distance that you are. I hope that you can make yourself understood to J (if you want to/feel you need to) and I hope that caseworker backs off and gives you the space that you need to get through the next few weeks.
ReplyDeleteKeeping all appendages crossed that this ends happily for you.
Oh, my. I find myself breathing deeply as I read your post, trying to stay centered among the forces that are coming at you.
ReplyDeleteI commend you for looking at this not only from what YOU want out of this, but also from the point of view of J and her baby. So hard to do, yet you are doing it.
I'm cheering you on as you navigate the coming weeks.
xoxo
I once told my son's birthmother that she had to live with her decision for the rest of her life so I wasn't going to be telling her what she should or shouldn't do. That's just the plain truth of the matter. You know what really annoys me? She may be an adoption caseworker but where is her compassion for what you've been through? She ought to be explaining to the birthmother that it's a very complex situation and that all this waiting and wondering is hard on everyone! If I were you, I definitely would not be attached to the outcome as much as my heart aches for another child. Talk about waiting to exhale!
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