For the first time in our 2 adoption journeys, we've dropped in standings instead of advanced. That was kind of a crappy e-mail to read. The issue is that one family who was ahead of us had put their adoption on hold and in the last month reactivated their profile. No placements in January, and there you have it. Beginning of January we were #13, and by the end #14. We're moving backwards instead of forwards.
A slight glimmer of hope is that the caseworker said that there are a some possible situations coming up in the next few months. Not that the statement of a few months is all that comforting, since in my head it damn well better happen in a few months.
It's so hard to be waiting like this again. This is the excruciating part, where I can't wait for it to be over, but I have no idea when that will be. Couple that with how much I've learned about adoption in the past couple of years of living it, and there's an internal fight going on within me. It's hard to be excited about a baby when I know the losses on the other side are life-long.
We've considered other options, like foster to adopt, or remaining a family of 3, or even IVF over the past year. That's a lot of shit to work through, and at the end of the day, the decision is still that we want to be a family of four. I feel like I have to defend that want knowing what I know now about adoption. I read blogs of adoptees and first-parents and feel like a monster. It's hard to separate what a few people on the inter-webs are writing and what our personal journey looks like. Logically, I know that S and I proceed with caution and ethically, and especially after having a failed match, we'll be more inquisitive about the expectant parents' resources. Emotionally, I feel greedy, like why isn't one child good enough? Why not save us some money and potential heartache? The best answer I have to that is unsatisfactory, I'm sure, but simple. I have always wanted 2 kids, and after everything I've been through I don't want to compromise.
I am right there with you. I feel like a monster too - it's hard not to right? But you're not - you're a mom who wants another baby. It's hard to reconcile it all ... but with ethics and love driving the decisions, it's going to be great. Heart wrenching and difficult at times, yes ... but, as Liz at Poemfish put it to me recently, just because something hurts doesn't mean it's wrong or bad.
ReplyDeleteIt's hard not to become consumed with the other side of the coin though ... sometimes I have to put down my laptop and just stop reading the sad stories. There is sadness and loss in our story too, and sometimes this is as much as I can take in. This may make me a monster, but I'm honestly doing the best I can with as much love, ethics and empathy that I can. I know you are too.
It's definitely not greedy to want 2 kids. Do you think fertiles ever think that way? Hell no. If you want to be a family of 4, then you deserve to work on fulfilling that wish!
ReplyDeleteI totally understand where you're coming from. It's one of the reasons I just could never do another adoption again (besides being too old and out of money). But having said that, I don't regret at all having adopted our son. It was one of the most miraculous things in m life and I'd do it all again to be his mum. You just have to stop reading those blogs for a while, you know the ones and just concentrate on building your family. If you have the heart to take it this far despite all you have gone through, then you have the heart to walk a mile more.
ReplyDelete