This has been a week of funk. I went to Vegas for a Jazzercise meeting last weekend, which was really fun and informative, but about as laid back as you can get for Vegas! No staying out late, no pina coladas by the pool, no drunken great ideas, no gambling. I'm too tired for that these days, and so was my roommate. In fact, I'd be ok if I didn't go back to visit Vegas like...ever. It made me feel old.
Since I got back I've been feeling....off. I've been staying up too late drinking wine, don't want to do anything responsible and have that want to run away from it all feeling.
I want a vacation with S, no kids.
I knew we were in survival mode once Baby Z was placed with us. It's what happens when kidlet #2 comes along. It's universal. I signed up for a book club that's happening the beginning of May, and here is is April and I couldn't tell you which book we're reading. (maybe I should get on that)
That's how life is these days - one long day of feeling like I can't keep up. But that's not all.
I feel unmoored, directionless. What now? I've spent most of my married life trying to have kids (and that's saying something considering we were married 5 years before we even tried to get pregnant). Now that there's no paperwork, no social workers, no fingerprinting, no saving money for adoption, no decisions on fertility treatments, I don't even know how to feel. Sure I was elated at Baby Z's finalization hearing. It was over. It was all over. S and I toasted several times that day (and went to work with headaches the following day). I couldn't wipe the grin off my face. WE WERE DONE.
But there was something lurking in the background. Probably most telling - I didn't even blog about the day.
That lurker is hitting now, and it's a major letdown. We've done it! We've achieved our goal! We have a family of four! NOW WHAT?
Mixed in with the news of our triumph over infertility, and all the heartache/headache that went into getting to this point is news of tragedy. A distant cousin lost his life to addiction. A co-worker lost his wife to cancer. An on-line friend I've known since my Fertility Friend days is battling stage 4 breast cancer. A friend's acquaintance dropped dead while he was running. S's grandmother had to be moved to a nursing home and it's all a huge mess. This week, I feel like all that's left is the slow decline of health and well-being. I am old enough that my peers are dying. The co-worker's wife was 46 and healthy until she wasn't. My Fertility Friend friend is 44 and had Hodgkins in her 20's. The friend's acquaintance was 32 and no one knows what/why.
Logically, I know S and I have many years ahead of us. There are no major issues in our families. No cancer running rampant, no heart disease, and both of us had stress tests done in our 30's. We both get regular physicals (thanks to the requirements of adoption...) and have many years to look forward to.
But, now that I've fought so hard for my kids, and I mean fought emotionally through infertility diagnosis, through the tough adoption path, through failed matches...I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop. Why am I waiting for a tragedy? Why am I scared?
Why am I depressed?
It's not like I feel like this is the end. In many ways this is a beginning. We can get on with the task of raising children. We look forward to the crazy days of activities and planning around their schedules. S loves getting X out on a bike and riding around. I can't wait to road trip to National Parks, to show them what I do for work. To take them on tours of dams. To bore the crap out of them...OMG, to take them to the mecca DISNEY. (my parents never took us, so I cannot wait to see it through my kids eyes).
I am ridiculously excited to study the similarities and differences between our two boys since nurture/nature has a special meaning in our family.
So, why is it that right now at this moment, I am feeling so out of sorts and out of touch and scared?
Showing posts with label life after placement. Show all posts
Showing posts with label life after placement. Show all posts
Thursday, April 16, 2015
Thursday, January 22, 2015
A Strange Thing Happened on the Way to Finalization
It couldn't be a slam dunk. That would be way too easy. While I can't share a lot of detail in this space I can attempt to tell the short version of what transpired in the process to adopt Baby Z.
In our state, there is a 6-month placement period before the adoption is finalized. Normally, in a private domestic adoption this is not a big deal because the parental rights are typically terminated within a week or so after placement. There are events that can hang up the termination, two of which we have encountered in both adoptions. The first time we encountered this, was when the agency had to advertise for a potential birth father for Baby X. Given the circumstances, this was nothing to be worried about and we just had to wait it out. (45 days turned into 90 because of a miscommunication between the agency and the advertising newspaper) Lest you think me callous, I can only assure you that this was not a case of trying to keep a baby from his father, and that is all I can say about it.
The second time our case got hung up in the courts was with Baby Z. Everything went according to plan with his mother and father. They both signed their paperwork and the paperwork was filed. In a weird twist of "come again?" a third party had to be served termination papers as well. Fast forward several months and a DNA test later and the magistrate was able to tell said third party to hit the bricks. I have nothing but contempt and disgust for this person who dragged Baby Z's mom through a bullshit prolonged process for no reason. I also have never felt like less of a mother than when I had to take Baby Z in for a DNA test.
That being said, I realize that having more strict laws in place in our state is a good thing for birth parents and their children. Adoptions and home studies occur through licensed agencies or the department of social services. All potential parties have to be served with termination paperwork even if it is clear that one of them is not involved. Most importantly, any party wishing to have the opportunity to declare themselves the parent, is given that opportunity. In our case, it was frustrating and so obviously not a question, but the courts did what they were supposed to do. Protect a potential parent from losing their child.
Some neighboring states (ahem, that one with the big ass lake of saltwater) are so loose and fast with adoptions that all they are doing is creating havoc. It's sad really. The focus of an adoption should be to find a safe home for a child whose parents can't take care of them. It should not be to get a baby at all costs.
Thankfully, in our case, it was black and white. The hiccup did not delay our finalization date and we have one more post-placement meeting with our caseworker (for a total of 3) before we get our court date. The end of the road is in sight, and not to sound trite, but I am so looking forward to getting ourselves out of debt. We've done pretty well, but had to take on some debt to go through the process a second time. It's just one more thing to remind us that the way we had kids is vastly different than the norm.
In our state, there is a 6-month placement period before the adoption is finalized. Normally, in a private domestic adoption this is not a big deal because the parental rights are typically terminated within a week or so after placement. There are events that can hang up the termination, two of which we have encountered in both adoptions. The first time we encountered this, was when the agency had to advertise for a potential birth father for Baby X. Given the circumstances, this was nothing to be worried about and we just had to wait it out. (45 days turned into 90 because of a miscommunication between the agency and the advertising newspaper) Lest you think me callous, I can only assure you that this was not a case of trying to keep a baby from his father, and that is all I can say about it.
The second time our case got hung up in the courts was with Baby Z. Everything went according to plan with his mother and father. They both signed their paperwork and the paperwork was filed. In a weird twist of "come again?" a third party had to be served termination papers as well. Fast forward several months and a DNA test later and the magistrate was able to tell said third party to hit the bricks. I have nothing but contempt and disgust for this person who dragged Baby Z's mom through a bullshit prolonged process for no reason. I also have never felt like less of a mother than when I had to take Baby Z in for a DNA test.
That being said, I realize that having more strict laws in place in our state is a good thing for birth parents and their children. Adoptions and home studies occur through licensed agencies or the department of social services. All potential parties have to be served with termination paperwork even if it is clear that one of them is not involved. Most importantly, any party wishing to have the opportunity to declare themselves the parent, is given that opportunity. In our case, it was frustrating and so obviously not a question, but the courts did what they were supposed to do. Protect a potential parent from losing their child.
Some neighboring states (ahem, that one with the big ass lake of saltwater) are so loose and fast with adoptions that all they are doing is creating havoc. It's sad really. The focus of an adoption should be to find a safe home for a child whose parents can't take care of them. It should not be to get a baby at all costs.
Thankfully, in our case, it was black and white. The hiccup did not delay our finalization date and we have one more post-placement meeting with our caseworker (for a total of 3) before we get our court date. The end of the road is in sight, and not to sound trite, but I am so looking forward to getting ourselves out of debt. We've done pretty well, but had to take on some debt to go through the process a second time. It's just one more thing to remind us that the way we had kids is vastly different than the norm.
Sunday, October 6, 2013
Updates All Around
So, we were able to connect with C, and have a visit, albeit a quick one. The lack of communication was simply busyness with life. So, my anxiousness over why we weren't hearing anything wasn't particularly helpful. Part of the issue is a difference in how we schedule and communicate. I schedule everything. I like to know what I'm doing every weekend before the weekend shows up, even if it's a no-plan type of weekend. It's an innate part of my personality, and I forget that not everyone is that organized. In fact, most of the world is not, and it's something that I have to get over. The other thing I have to get over is the guilt I may face someday when C wants to see X and we can't because we already planned to do something. When I don't set boundaries am not available to the people I think I should be available too, I feel guilty when scheduling doesn't work out. Never mind that I have to live my life and it isn't my fault that scheduling falls through now and again. Somehow, I manage to make it my fault and beat myself up endlessly.
Time to change that. Baby steps.
One way that I'm finally setting boundaries and limits is in the next adoption wait. I am done fielding the phone calls from the agency, and during our homestudy update meeting, turned that responsibility over to S. Now when they have a question about profiling us, he'll get the initial phone call and be able to decide whether he needs my input or if he can make the call himself. Most of the time I think he'll ask me, since we tend to make decisions together, but at least I won't be getting the lunch time phone call that decimates the rest of my afternoon. He can decimate his. More likely, he'll compartmentalize and be able to continue working, something I wish I could do better. Hopefully, the next phone call will be the one, but I needed to relinquish that control to stay sane no matter what happens next. We also talked to our caseworker about how we feel about the next match. Without question, there will be walls up, and I have a feeling it is going to be difficult to connect with someone during a pre-birth match. We spent so much energy reassuring D, being supportive and understanding, only to have it all fall apart. I can't see expending that much energy again. So, our caseworker has instructions to bring up the failed match with prospective first parents and to let them know that we might seem distant until all papers are signed. It's all we can do.
Baby X is still a pretty picky eater at home, and it goes in phases how picky he is at day care. So, we'll just roll with it for now, offering a variety of foods plus the ones we know he'll eat. Meh. He's gaining weight, so I guess it's fine, plus he'll eat any fruit we put in front of him, so that's at least good.
Time to change that. Baby steps.
One way that I'm finally setting boundaries and limits is in the next adoption wait. I am done fielding the phone calls from the agency, and during our homestudy update meeting, turned that responsibility over to S. Now when they have a question about profiling us, he'll get the initial phone call and be able to decide whether he needs my input or if he can make the call himself. Most of the time I think he'll ask me, since we tend to make decisions together, but at least I won't be getting the lunch time phone call that decimates the rest of my afternoon. He can decimate his. More likely, he'll compartmentalize and be able to continue working, something I wish I could do better. Hopefully, the next phone call will be the one, but I needed to relinquish that control to stay sane no matter what happens next. We also talked to our caseworker about how we feel about the next match. Without question, there will be walls up, and I have a feeling it is going to be difficult to connect with someone during a pre-birth match. We spent so much energy reassuring D, being supportive and understanding, only to have it all fall apart. I can't see expending that much energy again. So, our caseworker has instructions to bring up the failed match with prospective first parents and to let them know that we might seem distant until all papers are signed. It's all we can do.
Baby X is still a pretty picky eater at home, and it goes in phases how picky he is at day care. So, we'll just roll with it for now, offering a variety of foods plus the ones we know he'll eat. Meh. He's gaining weight, so I guess it's fine, plus he'll eat any fruit we put in front of him, so that's at least good.
Monday, August 6, 2012
Drawing Lines
I have a hard time having an opinion about what C wants when it comes to Baby X. She wants to bring gifts everytime? Sure. Buy a cake when it's near his birthday? Ok. (Damn good cake, I might add)
No problem...although sometimes the gifts are a little much, but you know, who am I to say what she can or can't do in the way of gifts for Baby X?
But, for this meeting, the request is a little more. Today, I don't know what to think. While, on one hand, it seems benign, and we'll be meeting in a neutral place, it's a little unsettling. We're leaning toward saying no for now. (Not to the visit itself, but to the other people who aren't related to Baby X coming along).
How do you draw the line when it's something not neccessarily safety related, but still a little uncomfortable?
P.s. antibiotics totally don't work when you have a virus. Damn. No simple strep for me! At least I'm finally feeling better even though this weekend was still pretty rough.
Friday, July 27, 2012
Wailing Baby (baby centric)
I could put this up on Baby X's page, but I feel like sharing without making people click over to the other page. You might want to skip this one if you're in a sensitive place.
Baby X has always been a great night sleeper. Naps, not so much, but he started sleeping 6-hour stretches before he was a month old, and basically slept through the night before he was 6 months old. The nap thing drove us insane however, and we would tell the day care to try to get him to sleep more by paying more attention to his tired cues. But in the infant room, the babies are all on different schedules, there was always some babies playing and I think he felt like he'd miss out if he slept. So, one 45 minute nap a day was his "normal". (The Hea.lthy Sl.eep Happ.y Chi.ld book tells me he's going to have a lower IQ because of this. To which, I happily throw the good doctor double birds). He would sleep a little more on the weekends, but not much, and his 7pm bedtime is definitely set in stone.
Fast forward to the toddler room transition. They transitioned him to the toddler room over the course of a couple of weeks, and he had no problem with the transition, we thought. Maybe a little confused at first, seemed a little sad a couple of the days that the infant teachers took him over there, but then would get over it and play away the day. The days that they had him in there for full days, he napped on the cot (at the same time as the other toddlers) for almost 2 hours. What?! Yay!
At the same time that he's been transitioned to the toddler room, we're trying to wean him from formula to whole milk. That hasn't been going well. He doesn't act like it bothers his tummy, but he's had some impressive blowouts (one of which occurred during Cit.y Par.k Ja.zz in front of my friends. haha, let's see if they want kids now after witnessing that pile of poo sitting on his stroller seat.) So, we're tinkering with formula/milk combinations, he's in the toddler room full time, he's taking 1.5 to 2 hour naps, and coming home overtired, overstimulated, and impossible to deal with. So much for the longer naps helping. We get him home at 5pm, try to feed him right away (if he hasn't passed out in the car already), and usually that ends with him having a meltdown, flinging food and screaming. (I use baby sign language, how come he isn't? argh!). So, lately, it's been a struggle to get him properly fed before putting him to bed. That translates to back to nightly bottles when he wakes up hungry, plus dealing with diarrhea on a regular basis while his gut acclimates to the cows milk.
It's been so frustrating lately, and last night things got worse. I got home from my workout at about 7pm, and S looked like Baby X had thrown up all over him. Nope, just flung some chicken and stars, was crying, wouldn't sleep, wouldn't play, inconsolable. So, I took Baby X, fed him a bottle and put him down for the night. That worked (I thought). Until 9:00pm when the wailing began. We checked on him, tried to calm him down (it didn't work), and then at 9:30 finally decided to change his diaper even though it should have been fine because it was a nightime cloth with wool cover. That, plus trying to calm him down by bringing him in our bed for a few minutes worked, and he went back to sleep pretty easily. At 1:30am wailing non-stop from his room, again. S got up, changed his diaper, put him to bed. At 6:30am, crying again, I go in, change his diaper, and what do I see? Angry. Red. Butt. Cheeks.
He has a diaper rash. Probably because of the diarrhea, and every time his diaper gets wet it hurts like a mofo. At least that's my interpretation of ear-piercing howls.
I didn't think to take a closer look when changing his diaper last night since he hasn't had a diaper rash previously. Do you know what's going through my head instead? "It's because he knows I'm not his birthmother, S isn't his birthfather, and he's figuring it out and he's not going to let us calm him down."
And there you have it. A simple problem made unnecessarily complicated in my head.
Baby X has always been a great night sleeper. Naps, not so much, but he started sleeping 6-hour stretches before he was a month old, and basically slept through the night before he was 6 months old. The nap thing drove us insane however, and we would tell the day care to try to get him to sleep more by paying more attention to his tired cues. But in the infant room, the babies are all on different schedules, there was always some babies playing and I think he felt like he'd miss out if he slept. So, one 45 minute nap a day was his "normal". (The Hea.lthy Sl.eep Happ.y Chi.ld book tells me he's going to have a lower IQ because of this. To which, I happily throw the good doctor double birds). He would sleep a little more on the weekends, but not much, and his 7pm bedtime is definitely set in stone.
Fast forward to the toddler room transition. They transitioned him to the toddler room over the course of a couple of weeks, and he had no problem with the transition, we thought. Maybe a little confused at first, seemed a little sad a couple of the days that the infant teachers took him over there, but then would get over it and play away the day. The days that they had him in there for full days, he napped on the cot (at the same time as the other toddlers) for almost 2 hours. What?! Yay!
At the same time that he's been transitioned to the toddler room, we're trying to wean him from formula to whole milk. That hasn't been going well. He doesn't act like it bothers his tummy, but he's had some impressive blowouts (one of which occurred during Cit.y Par.k Ja.zz in front of my friends. haha, let's see if they want kids now after witnessing that pile of poo sitting on his stroller seat.) So, we're tinkering with formula/milk combinations, he's in the toddler room full time, he's taking 1.5 to 2 hour naps, and coming home overtired, overstimulated, and impossible to deal with. So much for the longer naps helping. We get him home at 5pm, try to feed him right away (if he hasn't passed out in the car already), and usually that ends with him having a meltdown, flinging food and screaming. (I use baby sign language, how come he isn't? argh!). So, lately, it's been a struggle to get him properly fed before putting him to bed. That translates to back to nightly bottles when he wakes up hungry, plus dealing with diarrhea on a regular basis while his gut acclimates to the cows milk.
It's been so frustrating lately, and last night things got worse. I got home from my workout at about 7pm, and S looked like Baby X had thrown up all over him. Nope, just flung some chicken and stars, was crying, wouldn't sleep, wouldn't play, inconsolable. So, I took Baby X, fed him a bottle and put him down for the night. That worked (I thought). Until 9:00pm when the wailing began. We checked on him, tried to calm him down (it didn't work), and then at 9:30 finally decided to change his diaper even though it should have been fine because it was a nightime cloth with wool cover. That, plus trying to calm him down by bringing him in our bed for a few minutes worked, and he went back to sleep pretty easily. At 1:30am wailing non-stop from his room, again. S got up, changed his diaper, put him to bed. At 6:30am, crying again, I go in, change his diaper, and what do I see? Angry. Red. Butt. Cheeks.
He has a diaper rash. Probably because of the diarrhea, and every time his diaper gets wet it hurts like a mofo. At least that's my interpretation of ear-piercing howls.
I didn't think to take a closer look when changing his diaper last night since he hasn't had a diaper rash previously. Do you know what's going through my head instead? "It's because he knows I'm not his birthmother, S isn't his birthfather, and he's figuring it out and he's not going to let us calm him down."
And there you have it. A simple problem made unnecessarily complicated in my head.
Thursday, July 12, 2012
Nothing Better To Do
I’m currently traveling and in a week-long meeting, thankfully with guys I like, because well, it’s 9:30pm and we’re still in the office. It’s pretty much been like this all week. I knew it was going to be a difficult trip since I also had a dam inspection on Tuesday morning, thus reducing my time with the team and putting me behind schedule. So, Monday was a relatively late night, Tuesday was a later night, Wednesday was ridiculous and tonight is ludicrous. Anyway, I’ve got down time waiting on some reviews of documents, but can’t leave until the reviews either come in, or we all collectively say fuck it and reconvene in the morning. Of course, everything has to be done by 3pm tomorrow so that those of us traveling can make our flights. We’ll see how this goes. I do not want to be on the 7pm flight back to Denver. I know it exists, I know we could fly standby if we miss the earlier flight, but goddamn it, I want to go home.
I could be doing something useful with my time, like writing a paper for a conference that I’ve started. I suppose I should have been working on that the last 45 minutes instead of checking out e-books from the library and reading some blogs. *sigh* Ah, such is the life of a master procrastinator. The paper needs to go through a couple reviews and I’m fast running out of time. I did get a tip from one of my friends. The paper is required to be 10-15 pages, I don’t have that much that I can say (security is kind of a big deal), so she suggested lots of figures. J I like it!
S seems to be holding up pretty well acting as a single parent for the past week. He finally asked his parents to come over to help out this afternoon, but he seems to want to do it all most of the time.
A good thing about travel and having movie channels in the room when you’re a captive audience is that I’ve managed to watch a couple of movies I wanted to see. Meg.amind was not as good as I thought it would be, and I was a little disappointed that it wasn’t as funny as it looked in the trailer. How to Train Your Dragon, on the other hand, was really cute and definitely rental worthy in the future. And of course, if Young Frankenstein comes on, well, then, all bets are off and I’m staying up till 11pm. J
Update on the Baby X tab too...
A good thing about travel and having movie channels in the room when you’re a captive audience is that I’ve managed to watch a couple of movies I wanted to see. Meg.amind was not as good as I thought it would be, and I was a little disappointed that it wasn’t as funny as it looked in the trailer. How to Train Your Dragon, on the other hand, was really cute and definitely rental worthy in the future. And of course, if Young Frankenstein comes on, well, then, all bets are off and I’m staying up till 11pm. J
Update on the Baby X tab too...
Wednesday, July 4, 2012
Balance
From crazy magazine covers to work-life balance. Ok, I guess we're talking about how women can or can not have it all this week. Or was that last week? I was too busy freaking out over finding time to clean the bathroom.
Often, when I would tell people that Baby X started day care, I would get the pitying "Oooohhh" with that look. The one, the one that says, "Oh, you can't stay home with your baby 24/7, you poor poor dear". Well, maybe not often, but I did have a couple of uncomfortable encounters.
Except, that I could, and I don't want to. Well, I could definitely work part-time, I don't know if we could live on S's salary alone. But, if I go part time then I'm losing out on promotion potential and totally screwing myself on retirement. I like to feel like I'm making a difference, that I could be a role model for young women. In the engineering world, approximately 20-23% of the engineering students in college are women. In the workforce, the number drops to 11% practicing. I like being part of the 11%. I like managing projects. I like the challenge of risk analysis, as mind boggling as it may be. There's also this driving force, that I've spent way too much time getting the education required to have this career, that if I quit, I'd be throwing it all away before I've really gotten started. Isn't that weird? I graduated with my bachelor's degree in 1997, and I'm just now feeling like I'm getting a solid foothold on my career. Yikes. I'll chalk that up to the fact that I job-hopped quite a bit, and finally have landed somewhere where I can see long term.
Yet, there are not enough hours in the days to stay on top of everything when both of us work full-time. It doesn't help that I can be lazy and procrastinate.* Although, if I wasn't bruising my brain for several hours a day at work, perhaps I would have more energy. After all, I did a bang-up job of playing stay at home mom during my maternity leave last year. I stayed on top of laundry, kept the house clean, and cooked dinner most of the nights. I did not interact with other adults a whole lot, but I did get out for lunch every now and then. Baby X was easy to bring to restaurants so we had the weekends to go out to dinner. Most importantly, I was over the moon about finally becoming a mother, and was totally fine being a isolated for a short time. That lasted about two months and the third month I started getting antsy to get back to work. Now that Baby X is walking, tall enough to reach the top of all our tables in the house, and generally wields havoc on the house, I don't think I could handle it. Every now and then I look forward to Monday when I can sit down in my cube with my coffee and I don't have to look around to see if his darling little hands are going for the dog again, or throwing books all over the floor.**
Social media, while great for connecting, has been quite the brain drain and somewhat detrimental to any kind of balance. I've finally semi-banished F-B from my repertoire as it tends to drag up all my insecurities making everything worse. I update sporadically, and usually only check on my friends who are out of town. It's kind of difficult feeling like I'm missing something, but in general I find that when I do check it, I haven't missed a whole lot. I don't Tweet. I think I have an account, and I tried to follow some people, but it's overwhelming unless you keep up with it every single day. I sure am not keeping up with my Reader these days either. Sorry. I'm at least trying to read blogs once a week and catch up, but the time constraints are affecting my commenting abilities. I'm still reading, I promise!
Ideally (in bizarro-world), S would work part-time and take on some of the household responsibilities that I hold at the moment, while I continue to work full-time. In general, we have an equitable/sharing gender roles type of relationship. He doesn't expect me to cook and clean everything on top of working and we try to split it up. He still does the bulk of house repair since I just don't have the experience (or drive), and I do the bulk of scheduling and shopping for things like groceries, or chasing down baby gear deals on crai.gslist ($40 Macl.aren quest stroller! So worth the 40 minute drive!) Despite the relative equality, I still feel like I'm the one carrying most of the mental burden having to do with planning everything. I don't think I like it all the time.
Overall, I think we have balance. I don't have a job that's so demanding that I can't leave in the middle of the day if I have to. I also don't have a job that demands overtime, although it does happen every now and then to meet a deadline, or when I'm on travel. I do have a job that requires travel, and that can be pretty stressful, but that's just how it is. Not all the dams can be located in Colorado! Luckily, S has a job where they work only on local projects, so he doesn't travel, or if he does, it's just to another part of the state and he might have to stay one night. We're still able to get some exercise in, and we're able to have date nights every now and then thanks to grandparents who live nearby. So, really, I don't think I have anything to complain about. Except that, I still feel like I'm behind on everything, every day and I'll never catch up. Oh, and I feel pretty guilty that I play with Baby X for about an hour after picking him up from day care, and then it's feed him dinner and put him to bed. But, then Sunday night rolls around and I can't wait for him to go to bed because he's been running us ragged all weekend. Is that balanced?
*I'm supposed to be writing a paper for a conference right now. Yes, on the 4th of July, because I have to write the paper on my own time. Anyhoo, I'm blogging about work-life balance. Ironic?
**In Bringing Up Bebe, there is an anecdote about how her 10 month old daughter is taking books out of the bookcase and throwing them on the floor. Her friend (who is French) gets down on the floor with her daughter, explains that we don't throw books on the floor and teaches the daughter how to put them back. The daughter listens. I would like to have that daughter sometimes. My 13-month old boy could care less. I'll get him to put two or three books away, and then he's back to yanking them all off the shelf.
Often, when I would tell people that Baby X started day care, I would get the pitying "Oooohhh" with that look. The one, the one that says, "Oh, you can't stay home with your baby 24/7, you poor poor dear". Well, maybe not often, but I did have a couple of uncomfortable encounters.
Except, that I could, and I don't want to. Well, I could definitely work part-time, I don't know if we could live on S's salary alone. But, if I go part time then I'm losing out on promotion potential and totally screwing myself on retirement. I like to feel like I'm making a difference, that I could be a role model for young women. In the engineering world, approximately 20-23% of the engineering students in college are women. In the workforce, the number drops to 11% practicing. I like being part of the 11%. I like managing projects. I like the challenge of risk analysis, as mind boggling as it may be. There's also this driving force, that I've spent way too much time getting the education required to have this career, that if I quit, I'd be throwing it all away before I've really gotten started. Isn't that weird? I graduated with my bachelor's degree in 1997, and I'm just now feeling like I'm getting a solid foothold on my career. Yikes. I'll chalk that up to the fact that I job-hopped quite a bit, and finally have landed somewhere where I can see long term.
Yet, there are not enough hours in the days to stay on top of everything when both of us work full-time. It doesn't help that I can be lazy and procrastinate.* Although, if I wasn't bruising my brain for several hours a day at work, perhaps I would have more energy. After all, I did a bang-up job of playing stay at home mom during my maternity leave last year. I stayed on top of laundry, kept the house clean, and cooked dinner most of the nights. I did not interact with other adults a whole lot, but I did get out for lunch every now and then. Baby X was easy to bring to restaurants so we had the weekends to go out to dinner. Most importantly, I was over the moon about finally becoming a mother, and was totally fine being a isolated for a short time. That lasted about two months and the third month I started getting antsy to get back to work. Now that Baby X is walking, tall enough to reach the top of all our tables in the house, and generally wields havoc on the house, I don't think I could handle it. Every now and then I look forward to Monday when I can sit down in my cube with my coffee and I don't have to look around to see if his darling little hands are going for the dog again, or throwing books all over the floor.**
Social media, while great for connecting, has been quite the brain drain and somewhat detrimental to any kind of balance. I've finally semi-banished F-B from my repertoire as it tends to drag up all my insecurities making everything worse. I update sporadically, and usually only check on my friends who are out of town. It's kind of difficult feeling like I'm missing something, but in general I find that when I do check it, I haven't missed a whole lot. I don't Tweet. I think I have an account, and I tried to follow some people, but it's overwhelming unless you keep up with it every single day. I sure am not keeping up with my Reader these days either. Sorry. I'm at least trying to read blogs once a week and catch up, but the time constraints are affecting my commenting abilities. I'm still reading, I promise!
Ideally (in bizarro-world), S would work part-time and take on some of the household responsibilities that I hold at the moment, while I continue to work full-time. In general, we have an equitable/sharing gender roles type of relationship. He doesn't expect me to cook and clean everything on top of working and we try to split it up. He still does the bulk of house repair since I just don't have the experience (or drive), and I do the bulk of scheduling and shopping for things like groceries, or chasing down baby gear deals on crai.gslist ($40 Macl.aren quest stroller! So worth the 40 minute drive!) Despite the relative equality, I still feel like I'm the one carrying most of the mental burden having to do with planning everything. I don't think I like it all the time.
Overall, I think we have balance. I don't have a job that's so demanding that I can't leave in the middle of the day if I have to. I also don't have a job that demands overtime, although it does happen every now and then to meet a deadline, or when I'm on travel. I do have a job that requires travel, and that can be pretty stressful, but that's just how it is. Not all the dams can be located in Colorado! Luckily, S has a job where they work only on local projects, so he doesn't travel, or if he does, it's just to another part of the state and he might have to stay one night. We're still able to get some exercise in, and we're able to have date nights every now and then thanks to grandparents who live nearby. So, really, I don't think I have anything to complain about. Except that, I still feel like I'm behind on everything, every day and I'll never catch up. Oh, and I feel pretty guilty that I play with Baby X for about an hour after picking him up from day care, and then it's feed him dinner and put him to bed. But, then Sunday night rolls around and I can't wait for him to go to bed because he's been running us ragged all weekend. Is that balanced?
*I'm supposed to be writing a paper for a conference right now. Yes, on the 4th of July, because I have to write the paper on my own time. Anyhoo, I'm blogging about work-life balance. Ironic?
**In Bringing Up Bebe, there is an anecdote about how her 10 month old daughter is taking books out of the bookcase and throwing them on the floor. Her friend (who is French) gets down on the floor with her daughter, explains that we don't throw books on the floor and teaches the daughter how to put them back. The daughter listens. I would like to have that daughter sometimes. My 13-month old boy could care less. I'll get him to put two or three books away, and then he's back to yanking them all off the shelf.
Tuesday, June 19, 2012
Food for Thought
I've started several posts in my head, some are in draft form, and there's all kinds of thoughts knocking around my head. So, because this has been going on for weeks, yet I still haven't generated a bonafide well-thought out post, I've decided to virtually throw up on the page. Enjoy.
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This transition from adoptive-mom-in-waiting to adoptive-mom has been a little difficult. Ok, a lot difficult. I don't know what to blog about half the time, and the other half I'm really busy trying to keep up with life and work.
Anyway, Dawn at Creating a Family has a post up, that I know has been talked about in the ALI community from time to time. In the middle of writing my comment, I was struck by a thought:
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This transition from adoptive-mom-in-waiting to adoptive-mom has been a little difficult. Ok, a lot difficult. I don't know what to blog about half the time, and the other half I'm really busy trying to keep up with life and work.
Anyway, Dawn at Creating a Family has a post up, that I know has been talked about in the ALI community from time to time. In the middle of writing my comment, I was struck by a thought:
And, you have to wonder sometimes, if in trying to straddle the line, you aren’t really moving on, but giving yourself an excuse to wallow in misery.
Lately, I've been contemplating some therapy, based on how I've reacted to some things that have occurred. I think transitions are really difficult, no matter how happy they are, and I think I'm having trouble transitioning in life. All my "big moments" are over. I graduated from college twice, got married, got the house, struggled through infertility, then got the baby, and now...it's just life.... I'm jealous of the people who's weddings I attend, they're so happy and looking forward and have so much attention lavished on them for a day (or three days in the case of my brother's wedding). It's hard to admit, because it makes me look so damn selfish, but I like the attention and the pomp and circumstance. Anyway, I've felt quite bitchy at every major event we've attended and found it difficult to have fun.
So, between the IRL transition and struggling to not turn into an angry old bat, and the online transition to quasi-mommy-blogger, I wonder if in trying to keep a foot in the ALI community comiserating with others that have struggled, if I'm just letting myself wallow.
How do you deal with the transitions?
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Arguing. S and I have differing opinions on this one. Recently we were filling out our SAFE questionnaires for our second adoption (and I was cursing my shortsightedness in not making copies of the first ones) and got to the question about how often you and your spouse argue. I can't remember what the responses were, but I consulted S on the matter (I don't think you're supposed to, but what the hell, I'm irritated I have to fill this out again). Anyway, he chose an answer that was less often than my answer. That led to a discussion about what an argument is. S thinks we hardly argue. I think we have little arguments almost weekly, usually when Baby X is thrashing about on the changing table and one of us is trying to pin him down while the other aims eyedrops and hopes to hit an eye (pinkeye, fun times). I have a short temper and usually end up snapping at S and he snaps back. To me, that's a disagreement and counts as arguing. To him, that's just snapping and my problem because I have a temper. As for real arguments where there's an actual fight that goes on and on, they are few and far between. Typically we discuss difficult things, plus S is pretty passive and internalizes a lot. It's hard to have a knock down drag out fight with someone who doesn't want to.
I think we're having an argument about arguing.
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The weird family dynamics continue. Has anyone else gotten mad (I mean really ticked, don't want to see them right now) at their parents once they started finding out what different parenting styles do to kids? Related to that, has anyone else started seriously freaking out that they are most definitely turning into their mother? I'm fighting against being my parents in raising Baby X.
They were drill sergeants, constantly on me to do well in school, punishing me when I didn't, threatening to take away ballet when I got a bad grade (turned out to be an empty threat, but I was appropriately scared), wouldn't talk about the fact that we are a blended family (hello, two of my brothers totally don't look like me!), yelled at me for wanting to talk about it, and generally made me feel like I was never good enough. I rebelled by going off to college and making less than a 3.0 by the time I graduated. Yeah, I know, total rebel. But seriously, who get's a master's degree in engineering, (this is 6 years after graduating college), and then endures for several more years "Well, you could have gotten a Ph.D if you wanted to." I didn't want to! I had a pretty happy childhood all things considered, and I'm well aware I'm focusing on all the negatives right now. But that's where I am.
I'm sick of my mom telling me to "be careful" of what I say to one of my brothers because "he's going through some stuff and we don't want to set him off". Fuck, seriously? I hardly talk to the guy, as we've never gotten along. I'm sick of going over to their house and having her jump and scream because X got close to the stairs. Not tumbled down them, not even close enough to swing a leg over to start going down. Overreact much? I'm sick of her being a busybody as I'm trying new foods and he spits them out, and suggesting five different things I could feed him. I'm sick of them acting like X is the smartest, cutest, fastest baby like ever. I realize grandparents are proud of grandbabies, but it even bugs S. (An indicator that it's way over the top.)
So, yeah, as I've gotten older, I've started working through all this bullshit and as it turns out I'm 38 and acting like a 20 year old. God that's embarrassing. I probably need therapy. I just don't know how to find a decent one. I've never had great luck connecting with therapists.
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You know how people whine and moan about others only posting stuff on FB about their kids. I found out why people do that. Ok, maybe not "people", but why I do that. No one gives a shit about what I'm doing! I get so many more hits on a picture or description of Baby X than any accomplishment, travel, or whatever else I may be doing with my life. So there.
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Arguing. S and I have differing opinions on this one. Recently we were filling out our SAFE questionnaires for our second adoption (and I was cursing my shortsightedness in not making copies of the first ones) and got to the question about how often you and your spouse argue. I can't remember what the responses were, but I consulted S on the matter (I don't think you're supposed to, but what the hell, I'm irritated I have to fill this out again). Anyway, he chose an answer that was less often than my answer. That led to a discussion about what an argument is. S thinks we hardly argue. I think we have little arguments almost weekly, usually when Baby X is thrashing about on the changing table and one of us is trying to pin him down while the other aims eyedrops and hopes to hit an eye (pinkeye, fun times). I have a short temper and usually end up snapping at S and he snaps back. To me, that's a disagreement and counts as arguing. To him, that's just snapping and my problem because I have a temper. As for real arguments where there's an actual fight that goes on and on, they are few and far between. Typically we discuss difficult things, plus S is pretty passive and internalizes a lot. It's hard to have a knock down drag out fight with someone who doesn't want to.
I think we're having an argument about arguing.
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The weird family dynamics continue. Has anyone else gotten mad (I mean really ticked, don't want to see them right now) at their parents once they started finding out what different parenting styles do to kids? Related to that, has anyone else started seriously freaking out that they are most definitely turning into their mother? I'm fighting against being my parents in raising Baby X.
They were drill sergeants, constantly on me to do well in school, punishing me when I didn't, threatening to take away ballet when I got a bad grade (turned out to be an empty threat, but I was appropriately scared), wouldn't talk about the fact that we are a blended family (hello, two of my brothers totally don't look like me!), yelled at me for wanting to talk about it, and generally made me feel like I was never good enough. I rebelled by going off to college and making less than a 3.0 by the time I graduated. Yeah, I know, total rebel. But seriously, who get's a master's degree in engineering, (this is 6 years after graduating college), and then endures for several more years "Well, you could have gotten a Ph.D if you wanted to." I didn't want to! I had a pretty happy childhood all things considered, and I'm well aware I'm focusing on all the negatives right now. But that's where I am.
I'm sick of my mom telling me to "be careful" of what I say to one of my brothers because "he's going through some stuff and we don't want to set him off". Fuck, seriously? I hardly talk to the guy, as we've never gotten along. I'm sick of going over to their house and having her jump and scream because X got close to the stairs. Not tumbled down them, not even close enough to swing a leg over to start going down. Overreact much? I'm sick of her being a busybody as I'm trying new foods and he spits them out, and suggesting five different things I could feed him. I'm sick of them acting like X is the smartest, cutest, fastest baby like ever. I realize grandparents are proud of grandbabies, but it even bugs S. (An indicator that it's way over the top.)
So, yeah, as I've gotten older, I've started working through all this bullshit and as it turns out I'm 38 and acting like a 20 year old. God that's embarrassing. I probably need therapy. I just don't know how to find a decent one. I've never had great luck connecting with therapists.
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You know how people whine and moan about others only posting stuff on FB about their kids. I found out why people do that. Ok, maybe not "people", but why I do that. No one gives a shit about what I'm doing! I get so many more hits on a picture or description of Baby X than any accomplishment, travel, or whatever else I may be doing with my life. So there.
Monday, May 14, 2012
Bringing Up Bebe Book Club
Thanks to Esperanza for leading this book club, "Bringing Up Bebe" by Pamela Druckerman.
Before I answer a question, I'll give a brief review of the book and some of the media attention it's gotten. First of all, I hate the title of this article. I don't know if Druckerman titled it herself, but I didn't think the tone of the book was "all French parenting is superior". Then again, I felt somewhat validated in my approach to parenting, which is explained in the answer to the question. I fully admit that I may be biased as I have a pretty strict approach to certain aspects of Baby X's development. I caught on that she seemed to suggest that the setting up of the cadre within the family is seamless and easy if you buy into the system. Since reading the book, I've tried a few things with Baby X, such as trying to teach him to put books back on the bookshelf when he merrily throws them all on the floor. We've had several sessions of this particular lesson, and in general he gets bored after putting the third book back on the shelf and goes back to yanking them all off. I have seen some success, just today when he was getting ready to fling his spoon from the high chair, I told him to put the spoon back down on the tray and pointed to the tray. It worked. Yesterday, however, it didn't. So, it's a process.
I was struck by the message expressed in My Child book–the one proliferated by France’s public health department–that the relationship between a baby and mother should be balanced, that the needs of the mother are as important as the needs of the child. That does not seem to be the message spread in the United States, where mothers are expected to make intense sacrifices for the well being of their children, especially in their first year. Why do you think the American message requires so mothers to give up so much for their children, employing guilt as an inspiration? Which message do you most identify with?
Lately, I'm not finding a whole lot of time to sit down and blog, and while I'm happy I took this plunge to participate in this book club, I'm too fried to really delve much into research or even to think about what I read. What I'm trying to tell you, is that I'm attempting to find my own work-life* balance, and as happens often, there are aspects of my life that are suffering. I go back and forth waffling between focus on Baby X, and focus on myself. Because Baby X does not nap well during the day (two 1-hour long naps most days), he goes to bed by 6:30pm. What that means, is that once we get him home from daycare at 5:00pm, there's little time to do much except try to get him to eat some food before he gets too tired to eat, maybe play for a few minutes (difficult to do when I'm trying to get mine and S's dinner ready) and then it's time for bed. He doesn't like to have books read to him and squirms constantly, trying to eat the books rather than look at pictures, and he doesn't really like being rocked to sleep anymore. He wants us to put him down in his crib, shut off the light and get the hell out of his room. It kind of sucks from the perspective of an American adoptive mother wondering if the attachment is really going that well when my kid doesn't snuggle. Twice a week, I don't even see Baby X at night because I exercise after work and don't get home until almost 7:00pm. (I do the daycare drop off, so I get more time with him in the mornings.) On the weekends, we try to spend as much time with him as possible, but are definitely taking advantage of close-by grandparents to go out and do something together every couple of weeks or so. I'd say that I definitely identify with the French message that the relationship between mother and baby should be balanced. It's not something that I read before becoming a parent, or even really paid a whole lot of attention to, and I think that it largely has to do with my personality. I naturally have a detached-type personality, and it is what it is, neither good nor bad. It doesn't mean that I care less, or that I'm a bad parent, it means that I recognize that for my happiness, I have to keep growing as a person even as I grow as a mother. I have to exercise to feel good about my body and to keep on top of my eating habits (otherwise, it all goes to hell and before I know it, I've gained 20 lbs). I have to cultivate friendships, and build my village so to speak. I also have to keep my relationship with S strong so that we work well as a team, and that requires some "non-baby" time for the two of us. I like my career, and have no desire to give it up. Working part-time is an option for me, although I haven't pursued it quite yet, I'll admit, it is starting to look pretty good from where I'm standing.
I was going to end this by saying I refuse to feel guilty about all the things I do that don't involve Baby X, but then I realized that I just wrote all the things I do to try to keep balance from a defensive point of view. So, in some ways I guess I do feel a bit guilty that I didn't cut my hours right away, or make myself hit the crappy gym at lunch instead of Jazz.ercising at night. I've already cut down how much I exercise due to scheduling with S, and I feel like I need to keep working on friendships rather than let them wither on the vine because I'm a mom now. That's not to say that I make decisions to do things that continually interrupt Baby X's schedule (that 6:30pm bedtime really is a bear on the weekends), but I do try to work around it (happy hour anyone?).
So far, I feel pretty insulated from the need to make over my life for the baby. Most of the women I know who are parents are working parents and I don't get the sense that they feel like they're making intense sacrifices as stated in the quote from the book. I think we all feel like we compromise in all aspects of our lives, and there's probably some guilty feelings going around too. To keep myself from falling into the black hole of guilt, I purposely stick my head in the sand and hum a nice little ditty. I don't go to mommy groups, I don't get parenting magazines, and for the most part don't read parenting books (except I have ordered "Parenting with Love and Logic" and I read "Healthy Sleep, Happy Child", which made me want to fling the book across the room a few times, so I guess that isn't exactly true). I'm not sure why the American message is so guilt-inducing when it comes to mothers. Maybe it's a backlash from the whole "We can do it all" mantra shouted from the rooftops by my mother's generation. Women had to push to be accepted into the workforce, fight for equal pay, and for some reason, prove they could work and parent equally well, at the same time. It's kind of a recipe for disaster when you think about it. It's a stress-creating environment. Throw in a little "woman against woman" fighting a la formula vs. breast feeding and attachment parenting vs. everyone else and everyone loses.
*I'm using the working mother as an example throughout, because it's my experience.
p.s. I'm in the market for a lightweight umbrella stroller that doesn't suck. Any suggestions?
Before I answer a question, I'll give a brief review of the book and some of the media attention it's gotten. First of all, I hate the title of this article. I don't know if Druckerman titled it herself, but I didn't think the tone of the book was "all French parenting is superior". Then again, I felt somewhat validated in my approach to parenting, which is explained in the answer to the question. I fully admit that I may be biased as I have a pretty strict approach to certain aspects of Baby X's development. I caught on that she seemed to suggest that the setting up of the cadre within the family is seamless and easy if you buy into the system. Since reading the book, I've tried a few things with Baby X, such as trying to teach him to put books back on the bookshelf when he merrily throws them all on the floor. We've had several sessions of this particular lesson, and in general he gets bored after putting the third book back on the shelf and goes back to yanking them all off. I have seen some success, just today when he was getting ready to fling his spoon from the high chair, I told him to put the spoon back down on the tray and pointed to the tray. It worked. Yesterday, however, it didn't. So, it's a process.
I was struck by the message expressed in My Child book–the one proliferated by France’s public health department–that the relationship between a baby and mother should be balanced, that the needs of the mother are as important as the needs of the child. That does not seem to be the message spread in the United States, where mothers are expected to make intense sacrifices for the well being of their children, especially in their first year. Why do you think the American message requires so mothers to give up so much for their children, employing guilt as an inspiration? Which message do you most identify with?
Lately, I'm not finding a whole lot of time to sit down and blog, and while I'm happy I took this plunge to participate in this book club, I'm too fried to really delve much into research or even to think about what I read. What I'm trying to tell you, is that I'm attempting to find my own work-life* balance, and as happens often, there are aspects of my life that are suffering. I go back and forth waffling between focus on Baby X, and focus on myself. Because Baby X does not nap well during the day (two 1-hour long naps most days), he goes to bed by 6:30pm. What that means, is that once we get him home from daycare at 5:00pm, there's little time to do much except try to get him to eat some food before he gets too tired to eat, maybe play for a few minutes (difficult to do when I'm trying to get mine and S's dinner ready) and then it's time for bed. He doesn't like to have books read to him and squirms constantly, trying to eat the books rather than look at pictures, and he doesn't really like being rocked to sleep anymore. He wants us to put him down in his crib, shut off the light and get the hell out of his room. It kind of sucks from the perspective of an American adoptive mother wondering if the attachment is really going that well when my kid doesn't snuggle. Twice a week, I don't even see Baby X at night because I exercise after work and don't get home until almost 7:00pm. (I do the daycare drop off, so I get more time with him in the mornings.) On the weekends, we try to spend as much time with him as possible, but are definitely taking advantage of close-by grandparents to go out and do something together every couple of weeks or so. I'd say that I definitely identify with the French message that the relationship between mother and baby should be balanced. It's not something that I read before becoming a parent, or even really paid a whole lot of attention to, and I think that it largely has to do with my personality. I naturally have a detached-type personality, and it is what it is, neither good nor bad. It doesn't mean that I care less, or that I'm a bad parent, it means that I recognize that for my happiness, I have to keep growing as a person even as I grow as a mother. I have to exercise to feel good about my body and to keep on top of my eating habits (otherwise, it all goes to hell and before I know it, I've gained 20 lbs). I have to cultivate friendships, and build my village so to speak. I also have to keep my relationship with S strong so that we work well as a team, and that requires some "non-baby" time for the two of us. I like my career, and have no desire to give it up. Working part-time is an option for me, although I haven't pursued it quite yet, I'll admit, it is starting to look pretty good from where I'm standing.
I was going to end this by saying I refuse to feel guilty about all the things I do that don't involve Baby X, but then I realized that I just wrote all the things I do to try to keep balance from a defensive point of view. So, in some ways I guess I do feel a bit guilty that I didn't cut my hours right away, or make myself hit the crappy gym at lunch instead of Jazz.ercising at night. I've already cut down how much I exercise due to scheduling with S, and I feel like I need to keep working on friendships rather than let them wither on the vine because I'm a mom now. That's not to say that I make decisions to do things that continually interrupt Baby X's schedule (that 6:30pm bedtime really is a bear on the weekends), but I do try to work around it (happy hour anyone?).
So far, I feel pretty insulated from the need to make over my life for the baby. Most of the women I know who are parents are working parents and I don't get the sense that they feel like they're making intense sacrifices as stated in the quote from the book. I think we all feel like we compromise in all aspects of our lives, and there's probably some guilty feelings going around too. To keep myself from falling into the black hole of guilt, I purposely stick my head in the sand and hum a nice little ditty. I don't go to mommy groups, I don't get parenting magazines, and for the most part don't read parenting books (except I have ordered "Parenting with Love and Logic" and I read "Healthy Sleep, Happy Child", which made me want to fling the book across the room a few times, so I guess that isn't exactly true). I'm not sure why the American message is so guilt-inducing when it comes to mothers. Maybe it's a backlash from the whole "We can do it all" mantra shouted from the rooftops by my mother's generation. Women had to push to be accepted into the workforce, fight for equal pay, and for some reason, prove they could work and parent equally well, at the same time. It's kind of a recipe for disaster when you think about it. It's a stress-creating environment. Throw in a little "woman against woman" fighting a la formula vs. breast feeding and attachment parenting vs. everyone else and everyone loses.
*I'm using the working mother as an example throughout, because it's my experience.
p.s. I'm in the market for a lightweight umbrella stroller that doesn't suck. Any suggestions?
Sorry About That
My post for the book club went up early and I decided I want to tweak it, so I took it down. The revised version will be up tomorrow.
I'd like to take this moment to rant. (Yes,this might also have something to do with taking the other post down. Hey, it's my space.) Yesterday S and I took off for the hills with Baby X in tow. We enjoyed a quiet lunch (read: practically empty) at a favorite brewery during which S noticed that many of the kids in tow with their families appeared to be adopted (transracial). That was an interesting observation for sure and made me think perhaps we weren't the only ones seeking shelter from the M-day madness. More likely it was a weird coincidence. Anyway, after lunch we went shopping at the outlet mall and while I popped into a jeans store with Baby X, S went looking for the restroom. A very young sales girl came up to me while I was browsing the clearance rack and attempted to strike up a conversation that went a little something like this:
Her: Oh are you out for a day by yourself? Well, sort of? Is there something I can help you find?
Me: Uh, just looking thanks.
She comes over a couple minutes later (the store was dead)
Her: Oh he's so cute!
Me: Thanks.
Her: He has such long eyelashes! Who did he get those from? (Peers at me shuffling through the rack). They came from you!
Me: They came from his birthmother. (I'm annoyed at this point, I like to shop in peace)
Her: Uh, are you his aunt or something?
Me: No, we adopted him. (By now S is back, and I'm looking for the damn dressing room.)
Her: Oh, well, that's different. (Stares at X again). He kind of looks like you in a weird way.
Me: Um, ok.
I tried on the jeans, actually liked them and they were a smoking deal but I was so fucking annoyed at the exchange with the salesgirl that I didn't buy them. Granted, I could have murmured something non commital at the eyes comment and hoped that she would leave me the fuck alone, but it didn't feel like that would work. I guess part of me wanted to put her in her place for interrupting my deal hunting (which, by the way is kind of difficult with a kid who is getting antsy), and part of me was extra-sensitive and looking for a fight. Poor girl. Probably didn't know what hit her.
I'd like to take this moment to rant. (Yes,this might also have something to do with taking the other post down. Hey, it's my space.) Yesterday S and I took off for the hills with Baby X in tow. We enjoyed a quiet lunch (read: practically empty) at a favorite brewery during which S noticed that many of the kids in tow with their families appeared to be adopted (transracial). That was an interesting observation for sure and made me think perhaps we weren't the only ones seeking shelter from the M-day madness. More likely it was a weird coincidence. Anyway, after lunch we went shopping at the outlet mall and while I popped into a jeans store with Baby X, S went looking for the restroom. A very young sales girl came up to me while I was browsing the clearance rack and attempted to strike up a conversation that went a little something like this:
Her: Oh are you out for a day by yourself? Well, sort of? Is there something I can help you find?
Me: Uh, just looking thanks.
She comes over a couple minutes later (the store was dead)
Her: Oh he's so cute!
Me: Thanks.
Her: He has such long eyelashes! Who did he get those from? (Peers at me shuffling through the rack). They came from you!
Me: They came from his birthmother. (I'm annoyed at this point, I like to shop in peace)
Her: Uh, are you his aunt or something?
Me: No, we adopted him. (By now S is back, and I'm looking for the damn dressing room.)
Her: Oh, well, that's different. (Stares at X again). He kind of looks like you in a weird way.
Me: Um, ok.
I tried on the jeans, actually liked them and they were a smoking deal but I was so fucking annoyed at the exchange with the salesgirl that I didn't buy them. Granted, I could have murmured something non commital at the eyes comment and hoped that she would leave me the fuck alone, but it didn't feel like that would work. I guess part of me wanted to put her in her place for interrupting my deal hunting (which, by the way is kind of difficult with a kid who is getting antsy), and part of me was extra-sensitive and looking for a fight. Poor girl. Probably didn't know what hit her.
Saturday, May 12, 2012
That Day Is Upon Us
It's my first Mother's Day as a mother. I spent the past several years annoyed that my birthday falls close to this day, thus tainting my birthday fun with the depressing knowledge that there was no baby.
I'll admit, this year brings a sense of relief that I get to be acknowledged as a member of the sorority. I don't buy into the pomp and circumstance, but I am looking forward to a lovely breakfast made by my husband and a day trip to the mountains. (note, I cleaned furiously today to make the lazing around tomorrow possible, hmmm).
Still, there is the fact of our situation. C terminated her parental rights to make me a mother. It doesn't seem right to make a big deal out of my Mother's Day at her expense. So, tomorrow, I will also be thinking about her and wondering how she is feeling on this day.
There is also the fact that so many women are not mothers yet and are in the throes of treatments or miscarriages or waiting for a match, or making hard decisions. I'm also thinking of them.
I'll admit, this year brings a sense of relief that I get to be acknowledged as a member of the sorority. I don't buy into the pomp and circumstance, but I am looking forward to a lovely breakfast made by my husband and a day trip to the mountains. (note, I cleaned furiously today to make the lazing around tomorrow possible, hmmm).
Still, there is the fact of our situation. C terminated her parental rights to make me a mother. It doesn't seem right to make a big deal out of my Mother's Day at her expense. So, tomorrow, I will also be thinking about her and wondering how she is feeling on this day.
There is also the fact that so many women are not mothers yet and are in the throes of treatments or miscarriages or waiting for a match, or making hard decisions. I'm also thinking of them.
Thursday, April 19, 2012
Space Cadet
....I'm just going to go by that moniker from here on out.
In getting ready for a trip, I realized my car was, oh, about 2,000 miles past due for an oil change. Now, I bought it a little over a year ago with a "free" package of maintenance thrown in. I thought the free maintenance expired after one year and so I didn't take the 2 hours to drag myself to the dealership to wait around for a simple oil change. Instead, I kept putting it off until it was too late and decided to go to a place close to our house where it would only take half an hour. For whatever reason, after I got the service completed and shelled out a bunch of money, I decided to take a look at my paperwork from the dealer. After all, I left it in the glovebox where I was sure to consult it whenever I had a question (like maybe 2,000 miles ago when the change oil message came on). Anyhoo, the maintenance agreement expires this December. There's two years, and it took all of 30 seconds of opening up my glovebox to find out.
*headsteeringwheel*
Unfortunately, this seems to be how I'm operating these days. Some things, like work, I'm actually on top of and keeping track of projects and generally doing a good job even if I'm overwhelmed. Other things, like the oil change, I push off, it slips in priority, and then all of the sudden, I'm in "just get it done" mode.
Also, unfortunately, we're currently bleeding money. Three weddings (all out of state) in two months will do that to a budget. Last weekend in San Francisco, S forgot to fill up the rental car before returning it. *cha-ching* This week, despite having Monday off, and probably could have squeezed in a trip to the dealership for a free oil change and air filter replacements with all the other errands I had to do (it really didn't fit, I swear), I rush around at the last minute and pay dearly for it. *cha-ching, cha-ching*. I must take back the statement said through gritted teeth in SF traffic "Hey, I'm pissed that you just cost us like $50 because you forgot to put gas in the car, but lets just drop it off and stop screwing around trying to find a gas station". *ahem* My mistake was more costly than his.
So, are we the only people this happens to? I feel like this is happening more than I care to admit. That we're spending more money on stuff because we aren't planning that well, or making mistakes and not keeping track. It's probably happening in other aspects of our lives too, but I'm really honing in on the money thing. At least we haven't been paying bills late or anything, and we do have some savings, but damn, there are some people out there profiting off our forgetfulness.
That being said, the wedding in SF was fun. I love that city. LOVE. If it weren't for earthquakes* and impossibly high cost of living, I'd lobby to move there. It was pretty chilly, but at least it was drying out last weekend instead of raining like it had been. We managed to squeeze in a little wine country, caught the cherry blossom festival, and had some great meals. I love me some good food and drink!
* Everyone reading my blog who lives in the Bay Area is probably rolling their eyes over this one. :) It's really irrational, I know.
In getting ready for a trip, I realized my car was, oh, about 2,000 miles past due for an oil change. Now, I bought it a little over a year ago with a "free" package of maintenance thrown in. I thought the free maintenance expired after one year and so I didn't take the 2 hours to drag myself to the dealership to wait around for a simple oil change. Instead, I kept putting it off until it was too late and decided to go to a place close to our house where it would only take half an hour. For whatever reason, after I got the service completed and shelled out a bunch of money, I decided to take a look at my paperwork from the dealer. After all, I left it in the glovebox where I was sure to consult it whenever I had a question (like maybe 2,000 miles ago when the change oil message came on). Anyhoo, the maintenance agreement expires this December. There's two years, and it took all of 30 seconds of opening up my glovebox to find out.
*headsteeringwheel*
Unfortunately, this seems to be how I'm operating these days. Some things, like work, I'm actually on top of and keeping track of projects and generally doing a good job even if I'm overwhelmed. Other things, like the oil change, I push off, it slips in priority, and then all of the sudden, I'm in "just get it done" mode.
Also, unfortunately, we're currently bleeding money. Three weddings (all out of state) in two months will do that to a budget. Last weekend in San Francisco, S forgot to fill up the rental car before returning it. *cha-ching* This week, despite having Monday off, and probably could have squeezed in a trip to the dealership for a free oil change and air filter replacements with all the other errands I had to do (it really didn't fit, I swear), I rush around at the last minute and pay dearly for it. *cha-ching, cha-ching*. I must take back the statement said through gritted teeth in SF traffic "Hey, I'm pissed that you just cost us like $50 because you forgot to put gas in the car, but lets just drop it off and stop screwing around trying to find a gas station". *ahem* My mistake was more costly than his.
So, are we the only people this happens to? I feel like this is happening more than I care to admit. That we're spending more money on stuff because we aren't planning that well, or making mistakes and not keeping track. It's probably happening in other aspects of our lives too, but I'm really honing in on the money thing. At least we haven't been paying bills late or anything, and we do have some savings, but damn, there are some people out there profiting off our forgetfulness.
That being said, the wedding in SF was fun. I love that city. LOVE. If it weren't for earthquakes* and impossibly high cost of living, I'd lobby to move there. It was pretty chilly, but at least it was drying out last weekend instead of raining like it had been. We managed to squeeze in a little wine country, caught the cherry blossom festival, and had some great meals. I love me some good food and drink!
* Everyone reading my blog who lives in the Bay Area is probably rolling their eyes over this one. :) It's really irrational, I know.
Monday, March 26, 2012
Personality Schmersonality - Updated
I recently checked out (on my Kin.dle - yay!) Your Parenting Personality by Jan.et Lev.ine. It's based on the Enn.eagram. If you haven't heard of the Enne.agram, it's premise is that there are 9 personality types, and we all have dominant traits that fit into one of the nine. We also have secondary traits that fit into another number, and when we're stressed we go to yet another number. What I remember from the test years ago, courtesy of S because his company was training their mangers-to-be, were a few very telling things. First, S came into the house with the test and said "Take this test, I already know what you are". That should tell you a little something about how strong my personality is. I dutifully went through what seemed like hundreds of questions on preferences (very similar to Mey.ers-Bri.ggs) and at the end was less than shocked to discover that I turned out to be a 1/Perfectionist. With the Perfectionist personality, I had a secondary preference to the 5/Investigator. Makes sense, I like to research and analyze. Especially how to live with my personality type!
So, what does this mean in daily life? It means that I procrastinate a lot. It means that I quit teaching Jazz.ercise because my inner critic is so strong that I had a hard time ignoring it and generally thought of myself as a bad teacher when reality was the opposite. It means that I have no idea how I really appear to others. I may appear to be in control outwardly, and the inner monologue is far different. It's exhausting sometimes, especially when I'm trying to project confidence when I don't have any confidence in myself.
In parenting, this book seems to be making the point that you need to recognize your personality type more than anything. I'm a "Moralist" and S is a "Peacekeeper". I'm confrontational and judgmental, and S is passive aggressive. I suppose this will come into play as Baby X grows older and S is trying to keep me from insisting on my way or the highway.
Lev.ine gives some suggestions, especially in the realm of anger expression, something that apparently all moralists (not just me) have issues with. Apparently tamping down emotional energy is detrimental. I have to admit, I'm not sure how much "tamping down" I actually do. I have a temper, especially with S and I feel like I tend to let it all out. Maybe not. But what's clear, and I do agree with Levi.ine on this point, I always end up being hurtful. I can deliver a deep cut in 4 words or less, and often it's before I even realize what I'm saying. Not exactly the productive way to argue. So, my action item is to express anger calmly and rationally. To handle the energy with calm and serenity. Ummm...sounds good. But how?
Another action item is to take time off and have fun. This is where S helps quite a bit. It's still difficult for me to leave a messy house on the weekend to have fun, but I'll do it. Given, it makes at least the first part of the week stressful, since I then spend inordinate amounts of time worrying about what didn't get done while we were off playing. The best thing for me as far as relaxation goes is to get the hell out of the city and plop my butt on a beach. On vacation, I'm relaxed, spontaneous and fun. Probably because permission to be a slug has been granted.
There are other action items and some suggestions for dealing with the issues that come up. Mostly, I think this is a good book for learning and recognizing traits and suggesting how to deal with the less desirable aspects of our personalities.
I've come a long way from where I started once I recognized aspects of my personality were holding me back, but the inner critic still won't shut the hell up. Hopefully, in parenting, I can learn to ignore it a bit more. Right now, it's fairly easy. I only read parenting books if there's something that we have trouble with and then, I get the information I need while trying to ignore the parts that make me feel like I'm doing something wrong and my kid will never get into an Ivy League. I'm sure, many of the suggestions in this book will come in handy when we hit the school age years and the super competitive parents. Resisting that will be a herculean effort. Maybe this is why I continue to work. I need something to distract me from becoming a super competitive hover parent.
And now a couple questions for you: What's your personality type? If you don't know exactly, the how do you deal with the less desirable aspects either when parenting or interacting with people on a daily basis?
The link I provided is for the parenting personality. If you don't want to go there, here's another to the enne.agram.
So, what does this mean in daily life? It means that I procrastinate a lot. It means that I quit teaching Jazz.ercise because my inner critic is so strong that I had a hard time ignoring it and generally thought of myself as a bad teacher when reality was the opposite. It means that I have no idea how I really appear to others. I may appear to be in control outwardly, and the inner monologue is far different. It's exhausting sometimes, especially when I'm trying to project confidence when I don't have any confidence in myself.
In parenting, this book seems to be making the point that you need to recognize your personality type more than anything. I'm a "Moralist" and S is a "Peacekeeper". I'm confrontational and judgmental, and S is passive aggressive. I suppose this will come into play as Baby X grows older and S is trying to keep me from insisting on my way or the highway.
Lev.ine gives some suggestions, especially in the realm of anger expression, something that apparently all moralists (not just me) have issues with. Apparently tamping down emotional energy is detrimental. I have to admit, I'm not sure how much "tamping down" I actually do. I have a temper, especially with S and I feel like I tend to let it all out. Maybe not. But what's clear, and I do agree with Levi.ine on this point, I always end up being hurtful. I can deliver a deep cut in 4 words or less, and often it's before I even realize what I'm saying. Not exactly the productive way to argue. So, my action item is to express anger calmly and rationally. To handle the energy with calm and serenity. Ummm...sounds good. But how?
Another action item is to take time off and have fun. This is where S helps quite a bit. It's still difficult for me to leave a messy house on the weekend to have fun, but I'll do it. Given, it makes at least the first part of the week stressful, since I then spend inordinate amounts of time worrying about what didn't get done while we were off playing. The best thing for me as far as relaxation goes is to get the hell out of the city and plop my butt on a beach. On vacation, I'm relaxed, spontaneous and fun. Probably because permission to be a slug has been granted.
There are other action items and some suggestions for dealing with the issues that come up. Mostly, I think this is a good book for learning and recognizing traits and suggesting how to deal with the less desirable aspects of our personalities.
I've come a long way from where I started once I recognized aspects of my personality were holding me back, but the inner critic still won't shut the hell up. Hopefully, in parenting, I can learn to ignore it a bit more. Right now, it's fairly easy. I only read parenting books if there's something that we have trouble with and then, I get the information I need while trying to ignore the parts that make me feel like I'm doing something wrong and my kid will never get into an Ivy League. I'm sure, many of the suggestions in this book will come in handy when we hit the school age years and the super competitive parents. Resisting that will be a herculean effort. Maybe this is why I continue to work. I need something to distract me from becoming a super competitive hover parent.
And now a couple questions for you: What's your personality type? If you don't know exactly, the how do you deal with the less desirable aspects either when parenting or interacting with people on a daily basis?
The link I provided is for the parenting personality. If you don't want to go there, here's another to the enne.agram.
Tuesday, February 28, 2012
I Should Be Working...
Did I mention it's 8:30pm on a Monday?
Lately, this is how work is going:
Where are all the unemployed geotechnical engineers? We've been hiring non-stop for almost a year and still, most everyone in my group is overwhelmed with work. I have five different dams I'm working on and I'm the lead on three, co-lead on one, and mercifully just a worker-bee on one. Three of my five projects could easily keep me busy full time. Two projects are for a difficult (putting it nicely) client. I wish I could dump those on someone else, and I tried with one of them, but there was no one to dump on!
Meanwhile, we have three out of town weddings coming up and two of those happened to fall on back to back weekends. My brain has been so full of looking for reasonable airfare, schedules, rental cars, hotels, etc. that I hardly have room for actual work.
I think the status quo for me is to be frazzled.
Lately, this is how work is going:
 | |||
| Looks organized |
 |
| But really, I feel like this |
 | ||||
| Followed by this |
Meanwhile, we have three out of town weddings coming up and two of those happened to fall on back to back weekends. My brain has been so full of looking for reasonable airfare, schedules, rental cars, hotels, etc. that I hardly have room for actual work.
I think the status quo for me is to be frazzled.
Example 1: I went to a friend's bachelorette party a few weeks ago and having half-read the e-mail that had directions totally missed the part where an R-E-I was mentioned. I needed to go to R-E-I and on my way to the party, stopped at the flagship downtown which is always a hassle on a Saturday. It made me late to the pedicures and when I saw the sign for the R-E-I at the mall we were gathering at I was dumbfounded.
Example 2: Today during a meeting, a geologist said "I met you at a meeting for such-and-such dam. To which I looked at her blankly and thought, "dammit, why don't I remember her, I'm the team lead on that project!".
That's pretty much how I operate these days, brain won't turn off, I'm thinking of a million things at once, I don't focus and I have mini-meltdowns over the amount of work I have to accomplish about every week.
We still have two more days on our four-packs to go skiing and it feels like something we have to do. Don't get me wrong, I love skiing and I have fun when we go, but in the back of my mind, the lists are still running and about halfway through the day I'm getting all worked up about all the crap I'm not gonna get done because we spent the day skiing. At least next week, we'll be taking a day off and going when Baby X is in day care.
You would think that these situations would help me convince S that we need to hire a cleaning service. Nope! Maybe I'll tell him that would be the best 10-year anniversary present ever...a year's worth, of course.
p.s. I don't think S is doing a whole lot better than me, except that his personality is more laid back than mine. He totally blew off Valen.tine's Day this year and didn't even get me a card. I at least managed to get him a card! And then, his excuse was that I was in New Orleans. Yeah, but I had the card with me and gave it to him when he showed up. Then, when we got back and I mentioned it, he just shrugged. Finally, a few days later he showed up with a bouquet of tulips and a "Sorry I'm being lazy" statement. I guess that's ok, but it does piss me off when he knows he's blowing me off and uses the excuse that he doesn't like shopping with Baby X. Neither do I, but I do it if I have to. You know, like when I got HIS card.
Sunday, January 1, 2012
Holiday Redux
Thanks for letting me rant. I'll be done now.
We've had a good Christmas and New Year's. Christmas was pretty busy with S and I upholding our fondue tradition on the 23rd, then the in-laws house on Christmas Eve, and my parents house on Christmas. Baby X got some pretty cool new toys, of course, he'd rather chase the dog or take ornaments off the tree than play with his toys. This crawling thing is insane.
Every year S and I have a special dinner, just the two of us where we make cheese fondue and a broth fondue and drink champagne. I love it. It's easy to put together and fondue is fun, plus it makes for a great way to slow down and connect during a busy season. We usually don't get each other gifts, but this year S wanted a certain set of tools to repair his mountain bike and didn't feel comfortable asking his parents for them. I wanted a K.indle. So, we agreed to "get gifts" for each other. I of course, once the gift-giving flood gates were opened, decided that I had to also get S several other items that he was going to have to get anyway. This is why we don't exchange gifts on Chr.istmas. We'll probably go back to that after this year. There's just something about this season that makes me stress out and go overboard with gift-giving and then it's lopsided, and starts kind of a spiral of disappointment and bad feelings. Better to just avoid it all.
Christmas Eve I got hit with a bad cold, and I'm pretty sure Baby X has the same thing. I had my first sleepless night, partly due to a sore throat that hurt so bad I could barely swallow and partly due to a chest-rattling cough coming out of Baby X. I was half-expecting a bout of croup to hit halfway through the night. It didn't (whew), and the cough has been slowly getting better.
This past week was quiet at work since most people were out on vacation. I got a few things checked off my to-do list, although not as many as hoped since I ended up going home sick Thursday morning. I took Friday off because we had set up another meeting with Baby X's first-mom at our agency. The meeting went really well. We hung out for about an hour and half and Baby X showed off his crawling skills. He's outgoing with everyone, so it's sometimes hard to tell if he recognizes her or not. I think he does though, because near the end of our meeting he got really sleepy and passed out when she was holding him. If smell is really that connected to memories, then I would guess that he recognizes her smell. She helps out her mom in an Indian food catering business and the spices are distinctive and very aromatic. Speaking of catering, we always get a treat at the visits. Last time was jalebi, and this time was mathri. I want to incorporate some Indian cooking into my repertoire. Anyone know any good cookbooks or websites?
We didn't do anything on New Year's Eve and that was just dandy. My parents had a New Year's open house and we were on-deck to provide the grandbaby for showing off purposes. It was pretty good, a little tiring because of all the socializing, but not as busy as I expected. There was one woman who didn't know we adopted and asked me how labor and delivery went. Ha.
No skiing for us yet. There hasn't been any snow anyway, and this week is not looking good since the mountains are supposed to warm up to the low 40's. Spring skiing anyone? Hopefully the storms start rolling in soon.
We've had a good Christmas and New Year's. Christmas was pretty busy with S and I upholding our fondue tradition on the 23rd, then the in-laws house on Christmas Eve, and my parents house on Christmas. Baby X got some pretty cool new toys, of course, he'd rather chase the dog or take ornaments off the tree than play with his toys. This crawling thing is insane.
Every year S and I have a special dinner, just the two of us where we make cheese fondue and a broth fondue and drink champagne. I love it. It's easy to put together and fondue is fun, plus it makes for a great way to slow down and connect during a busy season. We usually don't get each other gifts, but this year S wanted a certain set of tools to repair his mountain bike and didn't feel comfortable asking his parents for them. I wanted a K.indle. So, we agreed to "get gifts" for each other. I of course, once the gift-giving flood gates were opened, decided that I had to also get S several other items that he was going to have to get anyway. This is why we don't exchange gifts on Chr.istmas. We'll probably go back to that after this year. There's just something about this season that makes me stress out and go overboard with gift-giving and then it's lopsided, and starts kind of a spiral of disappointment and bad feelings. Better to just avoid it all.
Christmas Eve I got hit with a bad cold, and I'm pretty sure Baby X has the same thing. I had my first sleepless night, partly due to a sore throat that hurt so bad I could barely swallow and partly due to a chest-rattling cough coming out of Baby X. I was half-expecting a bout of croup to hit halfway through the night. It didn't (whew), and the cough has been slowly getting better.
This past week was quiet at work since most people were out on vacation. I got a few things checked off my to-do list, although not as many as hoped since I ended up going home sick Thursday morning. I took Friday off because we had set up another meeting with Baby X's first-mom at our agency. The meeting went really well. We hung out for about an hour and half and Baby X showed off his crawling skills. He's outgoing with everyone, so it's sometimes hard to tell if he recognizes her or not. I think he does though, because near the end of our meeting he got really sleepy and passed out when she was holding him. If smell is really that connected to memories, then I would guess that he recognizes her smell. She helps out her mom in an Indian food catering business and the spices are distinctive and very aromatic. Speaking of catering, we always get a treat at the visits. Last time was jalebi, and this time was mathri. I want to incorporate some Indian cooking into my repertoire. Anyone know any good cookbooks or websites?
We didn't do anything on New Year's Eve and that was just dandy. My parents had a New Year's open house and we were on-deck to provide the grandbaby for showing off purposes. It was pretty good, a little tiring because of all the socializing, but not as busy as I expected. There was one woman who didn't know we adopted and asked me how labor and delivery went. Ha.
No skiing for us yet. There hasn't been any snow anyway, and this week is not looking good since the mountains are supposed to warm up to the low 40's. Spring skiing anyone? Hopefully the storms start rolling in soon.
Friday, December 23, 2011
The Cake
I was disappointed in the design since the cake picture I showed to the bakery (one they've done before) had pale yellow frosting and the border had much thinner fondant stripes that weren't as garish. Some of the coolness is lost in this version. However, it did taste super yummy.
That's Baby X's hand going for the frosting!
That's Baby X's hand going for the frosting!
Thursday, December 15, 2011
Finalization
The State of Colorado deems us Baby X's legal parents.
The most pressing issue at hand once I got the phone call that the adoption decree was stamped, filed and in the mail? Posting photos on F-B of course! We haven't been allowed to post, e-mail or text photos for the past 6 months. I've been planning my album for weeks, trying to choose photos that are super cute while resisting the urge to upload all 400 or so that I've amassed over the past six months. (I'm running out of disk space in my measly 80 gig hard drive.)
This weekend we're having a little party with our families to celebrate Baby X's adoption day. At first it was going to be a lovely formal dinner with courses and china and champagne. That's hysterical in a what-was-I-thinking? kind of way. We've settled on a taco bar with paper plates, beer, and champagne. Might as well, we have a good one hanging out in a basement closet just waiting for the right occasion! It's also a magnum, not like it's a good idea for S an I to kill the bottle ourselves. And of course, we have cake. A fancy cake from a fancy bakery. I'm so freakin' excited about the cake that I'll subject you to photos of it. Stay tuned!
It's so nice to be done with the process. No more fingerprints, no more meetings and no more paperwork. Such a relief!
The most pressing issue at hand once I got the phone call that the adoption decree was stamped, filed and in the mail? Posting photos on F-B of course! We haven't been allowed to post, e-mail or text photos for the past 6 months. I've been planning my album for weeks, trying to choose photos that are super cute while resisting the urge to upload all 400 or so that I've amassed over the past six months. (I'm running out of disk space in my measly 80 gig hard drive.)
This weekend we're having a little party with our families to celebrate Baby X's adoption day. At first it was going to be a lovely formal dinner with courses and china and champagne. That's hysterical in a what-was-I-thinking? kind of way. We've settled on a taco bar with paper plates, beer, and champagne. Might as well, we have a good one hanging out in a basement closet just waiting for the right occasion! It's also a magnum, not like it's a good idea for S an I to kill the bottle ourselves. And of course, we have cake. A fancy cake from a fancy bakery. I'm so freakin' excited about the cake that I'll subject you to photos of it. Stay tuned!
It's so nice to be done with the process. No more fingerprints, no more meetings and no more paperwork. Such a relief!
Tuesday, December 6, 2011
Craziness
Short update.
We found a car seat. The one I thought would fit, natch (Bri.tax). It's amazing how difficult it is to find a convertible car seat that actually works in the rear facing position. We have a Pr.ius and a Mat.rix and 2 of the three car seats we tried had no hope of tightening enough!
The party was ok. My "friend" ignored both me and S other than to ask S if Baby X had gotten fat yet. Interesting way to inquire about our kid. Her husband, on the other hand, was chatty with both of us and acted like there was nothing wrong.
I'm traveling again. I've traveled every month since going back to work. This time is to sunny FL for training, so it's not so bad weather-wise. But, it sucks being away from S and Baby X for a whole week. Fingers crossed that this is my last trip for a while.
We found a car seat. The one I thought would fit, natch (Bri.tax). It's amazing how difficult it is to find a convertible car seat that actually works in the rear facing position. We have a Pr.ius and a Mat.rix and 2 of the three car seats we tried had no hope of tightening enough!
The party was ok. My "friend" ignored both me and S other than to ask S if Baby X had gotten fat yet. Interesting way to inquire about our kid. Her husband, on the other hand, was chatty with both of us and acted like there was nothing wrong.
I'm traveling again. I've traveled every month since going back to work. This time is to sunny FL for training, so it's not so bad weather-wise. But, it sucks being away from S and Baby X for a whole week. Fingers crossed that this is my last trip for a while.
Tuesday, November 29, 2011
Car Seat Saga *Clarification*
**to clarify...we only have one car seat with a base in each car. I drop off at day care and S picks up, hence the need for dragging the carrier around...that'll all change this weekend though, I can't wait!
Let me start with the infant car seat we currently have. Following the advice of a friend of mine, we got the largest infant seat possible. In fact, we brought back our 32 lb seat for an up to 35 lb seat because she was so adamant that having the largest seat possible to make that 2-year recommendation for rear facing. All well and dandy, as the infant seats are designed to face rear only and the bases are relatively easy to install.
Until you heave said "up to 35 lb" infant carrier into an upside down high chair at a restaurant and it doesn't fit. Until you heave said "up to 35 lb" infant carrier up a flight of stairs, down a flight of stairs, and back into the car, with two heaves to try to get all the way to the middle of the back seat to click the seat back into the base. Ah, and of course, heaving the seat down four narrow steps (ooooh do we have a "charming" old house) to the back door without getting wedged between the walls. Keep in mind, that this little cherub who is happily hanging out in the monster seat weighs 15 lbs.
And then...the kicker....daycare. We started daycare this week, which was awesome after the food poisoning incident. Thank you Universe, fantastic timing! Granted, most people don't have to deal with the special situationwe're in I got us into. The building that houses our daycare center is a federal building and is all decked out with an x-ray machine and metal detector, and is currently under construction. As in all windows replaced. As in the entire building covered with scaffolding, drop off zone taken up by construction equipment and so on. It is a pain in the ass. Monday, I be-bopped in after parking 1/2 a block away to avoid the congested drop off zone with my purse, Baby X's diaper bag, Baby X in the carrier and the carrier in the snap n' go. I was feeling pretty on top of things, knowing the routine, signed in, dropped the bags on the conveyor belt and then I heard this from the security guard, "We have to x-ray the car seat". Come again? "Take the baby out of the car seat, push the stroller around the metal detector, place the car seat on the conveyor belt, walk through metal detector with the baby. Imagine, if you will: 7:40am (read: late), a mother who had, approximately 36 hours prior been puking her guts out, pulling baby out of the car seat, trying to one-handed unlatch the seat from the snap and go, heave the "up to 35 lb" carrier onto the conveyor belt and shove the stroller around the metal detector. It took 3 tries to get the carrier off the snap n go, the stroller set off the metal detector (even going around the damn thing), mom set off the metal detector and had to be wanded. (as it turns out, mom sets off the metal detector every fucking time). On the other side of the metal detector and the x-ray machine it's about as much fun wrangling the car seat back over to the snap n go to drop it in one-handed, sit the kid down and grab all the bags.
I called S from work with an authoritative statement. "I am not doing that every fucking day". So commences, the search for the perfect convertible seat. I decide that after Baby X's 6-month pediatrician appointment, we're going to go straight to Tar.get, see what they got and just choose one. Tar.get hasn't restocked yet. So, that's a bust. I venture out later to B-R-U and pick up a seat to the tune of $140 (trying to avoid the one I KNOW will work, but costs twice as much), and S starts installing it at 9:00pm. At 9:45pm, he comes downstairs, "Uh, can you take a look at this?". The seat doesn't fit in our To.yota Matr.ix. It won't tighten, not in the center of the seat, not in the passenger side, not with a rolled towel. Into the box it goes.
This morning commenced another nightmare drop off wrangling the infant carrier (sans snap n' go and purse this time, I'm learning!), but still a headache inducing, swearing in front of my baby endeavor as I struggled to get through the security line in some amount of time less than 30 minutes.
We'll be shopping again this weekend. Two more days of sending the carrier through the x-ray machine....
FYI, I found an awesome site (which I should have checked last night!). www.car-seat.org
Happy car seat hunting everyone!
Let me start with the infant car seat we currently have. Following the advice of a friend of mine, we got the largest infant seat possible. In fact, we brought back our 32 lb seat for an up to 35 lb seat because she was so adamant that having the largest seat possible to make that 2-year recommendation for rear facing. All well and dandy, as the infant seats are designed to face rear only and the bases are relatively easy to install.
Until you heave said "up to 35 lb" infant carrier into an upside down high chair at a restaurant and it doesn't fit. Until you heave said "up to 35 lb" infant carrier up a flight of stairs, down a flight of stairs, and back into the car, with two heaves to try to get all the way to the middle of the back seat to click the seat back into the base. Ah, and of course, heaving the seat down four narrow steps (ooooh do we have a "charming" old house) to the back door without getting wedged between the walls. Keep in mind, that this little cherub who is happily hanging out in the monster seat weighs 15 lbs.
And then...the kicker....daycare. We started daycare this week, which was awesome after the food poisoning incident. Thank you Universe, fantastic timing! Granted, most people don't have to deal with the special situation
I called S from work with an authoritative statement. "I am not doing that every fucking day". So commences, the search for the perfect convertible seat. I decide that after Baby X's 6-month pediatrician appointment, we're going to go straight to Tar.get, see what they got and just choose one. Tar.get hasn't restocked yet. So, that's a bust. I venture out later to B-R-U and pick up a seat to the tune of $140 (trying to avoid the one I KNOW will work, but costs twice as much), and S starts installing it at 9:00pm. At 9:45pm, he comes downstairs, "Uh, can you take a look at this?". The seat doesn't fit in our To.yota Matr.ix. It won't tighten, not in the center of the seat, not in the passenger side, not with a rolled towel. Into the box it goes.
This morning commenced another nightmare drop off wrangling the infant carrier (sans snap n' go and purse this time, I'm learning!), but still a headache inducing, swearing in front of my baby endeavor as I struggled to get through the security line in some amount of time less than 30 minutes.
We'll be shopping again this weekend. Two more days of sending the carrier through the x-ray machine....
FYI, I found an awesome site (which I should have checked last night!). www.car-seat.org
Happy car seat hunting everyone!
Monday, November 28, 2011
A lost ICLW, Thanksgiving and shopping!
I suck.
These past ICLWs have been total failures on my part. I hardly post more than once a week anymore, and I can't find time to comment. It's difficult to do all that from my little phone as the IT guys around here have gotten especially tight with "security". We aren't even supposed to check personal email from our work computers anymore. Blech. I'm asking for a kin.dle for xmas and am now starting to reconsider whether to get the fire. I like the e-ink, but it might be nice to use something larger than a phone to compose posts. Of course, I get post ideas when I'm at work and my brain is engaged. The words flow from my fingertips so easily compared to after dinner when I'm tired and want to shut my brain off, or on the weekends when I'm running around.
Last week I took off Wed and Fri since it was a holiday week and today is the first day of daycare. It turned out to be the best idea ever. Wed was lots of running errands, and making a detour to buy a Bo.ba carrier from Crai.gslist. Love that thing!
With both sets of parents in town (but 40 miles apart) we switch off where we spend Thank.sgiving and Chris.tmas. This year, being the first one with baby, I thought we should try to see both sets. So, my parents came over for breakfast and we went to S's parents for dinner. It worked out ok, since we're used to being busy. Every year before this, we've gone skiing in the morning. We just replaced exercise with cinnamon bread and sausage and eggs. Yum.
The rest of the weekend was pretty relaxing until Sat afternoon when S and I came down with, what else? Food poisoning from leftover turkey. First I got acutely sick in the middle of decorating the tree, and spent the rest of the night making mad dashes to the bathroom and shaking from a fever. S wasn't feeling great, but able to take care of Baby X until Sunday late morning when it hit him full force. I was quasi-functional by then. If you call the ability to keep down saltines and gingerale "functional", so I took over baby duties, and tried to get the house in some kind of order. It was marginally successful. I managed to get Baby X to daycare with all his stuff this morning. Really, a resounding success if you ignore the lights and ornaments strewn across the living room, the laundry that isn't done and dirty dishes in the sink.
In the midst of the madness I still managed to snag some kick butt online deals including extra car seat bases (for the grandparents), cloth diapers, and gifts for our niece and nephew. We still have to buy gifts for S's parents, but since my parents expressly forbid us to get them gifts this year (too bad, I'm wrapping the car seat base anyway), and we don't exchange gifts with our siblings, we're almost done with shopping. I refuse to join the mayhem at the stores, so we'll have a steady stream of packages over the next week and a scary credit card bill to boot. Yay consumerism!
These past ICLWs have been total failures on my part. I hardly post more than once a week anymore, and I can't find time to comment. It's difficult to do all that from my little phone as the IT guys around here have gotten especially tight with "security". We aren't even supposed to check personal email from our work computers anymore. Blech. I'm asking for a kin.dle for xmas and am now starting to reconsider whether to get the fire. I like the e-ink, but it might be nice to use something larger than a phone to compose posts. Of course, I get post ideas when I'm at work and my brain is engaged. The words flow from my fingertips so easily compared to after dinner when I'm tired and want to shut my brain off, or on the weekends when I'm running around.
Last week I took off Wed and Fri since it was a holiday week and today is the first day of daycare. It turned out to be the best idea ever. Wed was lots of running errands, and making a detour to buy a Bo.ba carrier from Crai.gslist. Love that thing!
With both sets of parents in town (but 40 miles apart) we switch off where we spend Thank.sgiving and Chris.tmas. This year, being the first one with baby, I thought we should try to see both sets. So, my parents came over for breakfast and we went to S's parents for dinner. It worked out ok, since we're used to being busy. Every year before this, we've gone skiing in the morning. We just replaced exercise with cinnamon bread and sausage and eggs. Yum.
The rest of the weekend was pretty relaxing until Sat afternoon when S and I came down with, what else? Food poisoning from leftover turkey. First I got acutely sick in the middle of decorating the tree, and spent the rest of the night making mad dashes to the bathroom and shaking from a fever. S wasn't feeling great, but able to take care of Baby X until Sunday late morning when it hit him full force. I was quasi-functional by then. If you call the ability to keep down saltines and gingerale "functional", so I took over baby duties, and tried to get the house in some kind of order. It was marginally successful. I managed to get Baby X to daycare with all his stuff this morning. Really, a resounding success if you ignore the lights and ornaments strewn across the living room, the laundry that isn't done and dirty dishes in the sink.
In the midst of the madness I still managed to snag some kick butt online deals including extra car seat bases (for the grandparents), cloth diapers, and gifts for our niece and nephew. We still have to buy gifts for S's parents, but since my parents expressly forbid us to get them gifts this year (too bad, I'm wrapping the car seat base anyway), and we don't exchange gifts with our siblings, we're almost done with shopping. I refuse to join the mayhem at the stores, so we'll have a steady stream of packages over the next week and a scary credit card bill to boot. Yay consumerism!
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