It couldn't be a slam dunk. That would be way too easy. While I can't share a lot of detail in this space I can attempt to tell the short version of what transpired in the process to adopt Baby Z.
In our state, there is a 6-month placement period before the adoption is finalized. Normally, in a private domestic adoption this is not a big deal because the parental rights are typically terminated within a week or so after placement. There are events that can hang up the termination, two of which we have encountered in both adoptions. The first time we encountered this, was when the agency had to advertise for a potential birth father for Baby X. Given the circumstances, this was nothing to be worried about and we just had to wait it out. (45 days turned into 90 because of a miscommunication between the agency and the advertising newspaper) Lest you think me callous, I can only assure you that this was not a case of trying to keep a baby from his father, and that is all I can say about it.
The second time our case got hung up in the courts was with Baby Z. Everything went according to plan with his mother and father. They both signed their paperwork and the paperwork was filed. In a weird twist of "come again?" a third party had to be served termination papers as well. Fast forward several months and a DNA test later and the magistrate was able to tell said third party to hit the bricks. I have nothing but contempt and disgust for this person who dragged Baby Z's mom through a bullshit prolonged process for no reason. I also have never felt like less of a mother than when I had to take Baby Z in for a DNA test.
That being said, I realize that having more strict laws in place in our state is a good thing for birth parents and their children. Adoptions and home studies occur through licensed agencies or the department of social services. All potential parties have to be served with termination paperwork even if it is clear that one of them is not involved. Most importantly, any party wishing to have the opportunity to declare themselves the parent, is given that opportunity. In our case, it was frustrating and so obviously not a question, but the courts did what they were supposed to do. Protect a potential parent from losing their child.
Some neighboring states (ahem, that one with the big ass lake of saltwater) are so loose and fast with adoptions that all they are doing is creating havoc. It's sad really. The focus of an adoption should be to find a safe home for a child whose parents can't take care of them. It should not be to get a baby at all costs.
Thankfully, in our case, it was black and white. The hiccup did not delay our finalization date and we have one more post-placement meeting with our caseworker (for a total of 3) before we get our court date. The end of the road is in sight, and not to sound trite, but I am so looking forward to getting ourselves out of debt. We've done pretty well, but had to take on some debt to go through the process a second time. It's just one more thing to remind us that the way we had kids is vastly different than the norm.
Showing posts with label 2nd adoption. Show all posts
Showing posts with label 2nd adoption. Show all posts
Thursday, January 22, 2015
Wednesday, November 12, 2014
Hanging On and Counting Down
Working full-time before taking maternity leave is hard. Really, really hard. For the last 10 weeks or so, all I've wanted to do is be home taking care of Baby Z and instead I've been at work and traveling. My head is not in the work game, and it's a struggle to get everything anything finished. The outstanding work projects will be complete by the time I leave, and I'll be able to breathe again.
In the time that I'm off of work, we should finalize Baby Z's adoption. In Col.orado there's a 6 month period after placement before finalization, although termination of parental rights tends to happen about a week after placement or the baby is born and an adoption plan is being made. I haven't blogged about what's been going on, because termination of parental rights has not been signed by the judge and we are not sure the direction this saga is taking. Based on everything we've heard from the agency, we really don't have cause for worry. There has been one court date, and now there's another scheduled in a few weeks. Hopefully at this court date, the question will be resolved and we can move forward with finalization. If it gets dragged out some more, I suppose we could be looking at delayed finalization. While I'm not worried about the ultimate outcome, it's forefront on my mind that there's a loose end. If the ultimate outcome is something other than what we think should happen, it'll be the stuff of soap-opera plots.
My writing and this blog is in transition. Now that we're hopefully done with family-building, I suppose I'll be transitioning from run of the mill mad as hell infertile turned adoptive mom to adoptive mom raising kids. The thing is, I don't feel like a mommy-blogger. I feel hamstrung by the need to protect certain stories, even if they affect me, and I don't know how to approach it all. There's plenty of drama happening around me, but it isn't necessarily happening to me, so I'm not sure what to share. I doubt you want to read more ranting about my struggle being the golden-child only daughter of a narcissistic mother and enabling father. But, you might get that, if I can ever write it down coherently that is.
In the time that I'm off of work, we should finalize Baby Z's adoption. In Col.orado there's a 6 month period after placement before finalization, although termination of parental rights tends to happen about a week after placement or the baby is born and an adoption plan is being made. I haven't blogged about what's been going on, because termination of parental rights has not been signed by the judge and we are not sure the direction this saga is taking. Based on everything we've heard from the agency, we really don't have cause for worry. There has been one court date, and now there's another scheduled in a few weeks. Hopefully at this court date, the question will be resolved and we can move forward with finalization. If it gets dragged out some more, I suppose we could be looking at delayed finalization. While I'm not worried about the ultimate outcome, it's forefront on my mind that there's a loose end. If the ultimate outcome is something other than what we think should happen, it'll be the stuff of soap-opera plots.
My writing and this blog is in transition. Now that we're hopefully done with family-building, I suppose I'll be transitioning from run of the mill mad as hell infertile turned adoptive mom to adoptive mom raising kids. The thing is, I don't feel like a mommy-blogger. I feel hamstrung by the need to protect certain stories, even if they affect me, and I don't know how to approach it all. There's plenty of drama happening around me, but it isn't necessarily happening to me, so I'm not sure what to share. I doubt you want to read more ranting about my struggle being the golden-child only daughter of a narcissistic mother and enabling father. But, you might get that, if I can ever write it down coherently that is.
Monday, September 15, 2014
Nano blog -TPR
#MicroblogMondays: Back to Work
S and I are lucky in that we are able to both take extended family leave now that Baby Z is here. S doesn't get paid for the 12 weeks he is off under FMLA, and this time around I'll get half of my pay based on accumulated sick/vacation time, but it's worth the money pinch in order to have this time home with Baby Z. When Baby X was born, I took the first 12 weeks, reveling in the newness of a brand new baby, hanging out on the couch holding him, feeding him, watching lots of guilty pleasure tv, and taking long walks with him and the dog. This time around I wanted a different experience, and so I'm back at work for the next 12 weeks, while S gets to experience the sleepy newborn stage. I'm not super happy to be back after only one week, but I look forward to taking Baby Z to sing along time at the library and other Mommy and Me activities I missed out on because Baby X was too young.
First day back at work is, um rough, however. Overbudget email on one project, and the encryption on my computer went wonky so it wouldn't boot. It's Monday!
Wednesday, September 10, 2014
There's a Baby
Baby Z, as he will be known on my blog*, was born on Saturday Sept. 6th. We are home, he seems to have a 9pm-12am witching hour(s) and has developed a bit of diaper rash. Other than that he's really cute and cuddly.
Baby X is doing pretty well with a new baby taking away attention. Having more difficult bedtimes (to be expected), and a couple of world-class tantrums, but overall not too bad.
I'm still trying to wrap up some work from when I was wholly unproductive for like a month straight and am kicking myself.
Have I mentioned my house looks like a bomb hit it? We really weren't ready for this in the detail sense. In the global sense, yes, but the actual execution of two kids sharing a room so where does everything go? Nope. And when there's crap everywhere not put away, I get cranky.
Then there's that not sleeping so great thing.
And, J hasn't signed termination papers yet. While the hospital experience was positive and completely different than last year with D, there's still a question. Quite a few people know about this match, and that the baby was born, but I haven't sent an e-mail announcement to extended family/friends/colleagues yet. Just waiting for those magic words that we are in the clear.
More to come. I'm just fried, and then there's that work thing that has to be done.
*I seriously thought about using Baby Y, but then people might think he's a girl. The overthinking I do!
Baby X is doing pretty well with a new baby taking away attention. Having more difficult bedtimes (to be expected), and a couple of world-class tantrums, but overall not too bad.
I'm still trying to wrap up some work from when I was wholly unproductive for like a month straight and am kicking myself.
Have I mentioned my house looks like a bomb hit it? We really weren't ready for this in the detail sense. In the global sense, yes, but the actual execution of two kids sharing a room so where does everything go? Nope. And when there's crap everywhere not put away, I get cranky.
Then there's that not sleeping so great thing.
And, J hasn't signed termination papers yet. While the hospital experience was positive and completely different than last year with D, there's still a question. Quite a few people know about this match, and that the baby was born, but I haven't sent an e-mail announcement to extended family/friends/colleagues yet. Just waiting for those magic words that we are in the clear.
More to come. I'm just fried, and then there's that work thing that has to be done.
*I seriously thought about using Baby Y, but then people might think he's a girl. The overthinking I do!
Tuesday, September 2, 2014
Dread is Back
Two days past J's expected due date.
No updates.
Called the agency at 9:30am this morning. It's 11:20am and I haven't gotten a call back yet.
The bad thoughts are back. What if?
What if she decided to parent. She's stable and I doubt social services would become involved. She could've had the baby over the weekend and already be back at home.
What if her brother's wife had a m/c and they all decided to make an adoption plan? This is the one that keeps clawing back into my consciousness. Her brother and his wife had been working with an adoption agency then decided to try IVF. Chances are they have a homestudy completed. When we met J for the first time, she said the pregnancy was early. Something could have happened in the last couple of weeks. Stranger things have happened.
Neither of these things if they happened are directly connected to us. We have no ownership or right to interfere in any decision making at this point.
We sit nervously at work trying to complete tasks and failing. We keep our phones nearby. We wake up multiple times a night and check our phone in case we slept through a phone call (not likely). We don't put X back to bed when he comes crawling in at 11:30pm (earlier and earlier it seems, it used to be 2am). We can barely keep it together.
Our feelings are collateral damage. J should not take any of this into account should she be changing her mind. She won't. We have no ties and are literally ships passing in the night. The only connection we may have is if she ultimately decides to place with us. We have no way of knowing if that changed within the last week.
We wait. We worry. We try not to fall apart. It will either work out for us in the end, or it won't.
Limbo is the worst and I'm not an optimistic person. It's worse now because we've been through two failed matches, one pre-birth, and one post-birth. I keep thinking that pre-birth matching needs to be stopped. It's not fair to anyone, and speaking from the adoptive parent perspective, it's really not fair to us. We get our hopes up and we put our lives on hold waiting for theoretical baby to be born. At the end of this, I will have subbed out all of my Jazz.ercise classes for a month while we waited for the phone call. Because we are told we must drop everything the second the phone rings. Because we are told we shouldn't tell anyone what's going on until it's a done deal, I'm sending vague "family emergency" e-mails trying to get my classes covered. I finally told the owner of the center so that she doesn't think I'm just blowing off all my classes, but it doesn't help that for 2 Sundays in a row, I totally could have taught my class. For some reason, that pisses me off. The longer theoretical baby waits to make his appearance, the more my engineer-work life gets f-cked up. It's fine if it all works out for us in the end. Then who cares? We just reschedule some stuff and everyone is happy for me. It's not fine if I've done all this f-cking hoop jumping and giving up projects only to be told that this isn't my baby.
If this fails, it will be the third time I've put my life on hold for a baby who isn't mine. I'm pretty sure I won't be able to go for a fourth round.
No updates.
Called the agency at 9:30am this morning. It's 11:20am and I haven't gotten a call back yet.
The bad thoughts are back. What if?
What if she decided to parent. She's stable and I doubt social services would become involved. She could've had the baby over the weekend and already be back at home.
What if her brother's wife had a m/c and they all decided to make an adoption plan? This is the one that keeps clawing back into my consciousness. Her brother and his wife had been working with an adoption agency then decided to try IVF. Chances are they have a homestudy completed. When we met J for the first time, she said the pregnancy was early. Something could have happened in the last couple of weeks. Stranger things have happened.
Neither of these things if they happened are directly connected to us. We have no ownership or right to interfere in any decision making at this point.
We sit nervously at work trying to complete tasks and failing. We keep our phones nearby. We wake up multiple times a night and check our phone in case we slept through a phone call (not likely). We don't put X back to bed when he comes crawling in at 11:30pm (earlier and earlier it seems, it used to be 2am). We can barely keep it together.
Our feelings are collateral damage. J should not take any of this into account should she be changing her mind. She won't. We have no ties and are literally ships passing in the night. The only connection we may have is if she ultimately decides to place with us. We have no way of knowing if that changed within the last week.
We wait. We worry. We try not to fall apart. It will either work out for us in the end, or it won't.
Limbo is the worst and I'm not an optimistic person. It's worse now because we've been through two failed matches, one pre-birth, and one post-birth. I keep thinking that pre-birth matching needs to be stopped. It's not fair to anyone, and speaking from the adoptive parent perspective, it's really not fair to us. We get our hopes up and we put our lives on hold waiting for theoretical baby to be born. At the end of this, I will have subbed out all of my Jazz.ercise classes for a month while we waited for the phone call. Because we are told we must drop everything the second the phone rings. Because we are told we shouldn't tell anyone what's going on until it's a done deal, I'm sending vague "family emergency" e-mails trying to get my classes covered. I finally told the owner of the center so that she doesn't think I'm just blowing off all my classes, but it doesn't help that for 2 Sundays in a row, I totally could have taught my class. For some reason, that pisses me off. The longer theoretical baby waits to make his appearance, the more my engineer-work life gets f-cked up. It's fine if it all works out for us in the end. Then who cares? We just reschedule some stuff and everyone is happy for me. It's not fine if I've done all this f-cking hoop jumping and giving up projects only to be told that this isn't my baby.
If this fails, it will be the third time I've put my life on hold for a baby who isn't mine. I'm pretty sure I won't be able to go for a fourth round.
Thursday, August 28, 2014
Dealing with Family
These past few weeks, especially the last two have been rife with stress, anxiety and worry. You would think that having my family nearby would be a blessing, with their support during this emotionally difficult time.
HAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHA
I have a few words of wisdom to impart to anyone who has a loved one going through a situation similar to ours that I would like to share:
HAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHA
I have a few words of wisdom to impart to anyone who has a loved one going through a situation similar to ours that I would like to share:
- This is about the prospective adoptive parents, not you
- When you ask how's it going, and your daughter says "Not good", the appropriate response is something along the lines of "I'm so sorry you have to go through this. It must be really hard." Not, "Hey X said the funniest thing when we went out to dinner with you on Sunday!". Why thanks Dad, I now feel invalidated. And gee, thanks Mom for that "I can't imagine" mumbled before prattling off some unimportant piece of information.
- Call, don't text. And for God's sake, don't send a text that says "Call me when you get a chance". Especially when it's about coordinating care for your loved ones dog/cat/older child when the phone call to drop everything and get to the hospital eventually comes.
- When a prospective adoptive parent shares the news of a match and tells you to keep it quiet because who knows if it'll actually be successful. Keep. it. quiet. Now, I know no harm, no foul when my mom told one of my brothers who already knew about the match, but she did it thinking she would be the one to break the news to him. Because she likes to control the communication within the family.
- Don't get all sanctimonious when the prospective adoptive parents insist that they will be the ones to share whatever news (good or bad) comes of the match. If someone feels they need to tell you multiple times to keep your mouth shut, then maybe you need to take a look at your own past behavior that may have prompted multiple prompts. Even if you haven't done anything wrong in the past, if the prospective adoptive parents ask you to keep it quiet multiple times...well...see No. 1.
- Informing your daughter in her time of highest stress (ever) that you need to talk, and we never talk anymore is not going to get you anywhere. Besides, see No. 2.
Tuesday, August 26, 2014
Update on Waiting and Worrying
I called for an update this afternoon. Plan is still in place, and J is miserable physically. There wasn't much change at her doctor's appointment today.
It eases the worrying, which I fully understand is goddamn selfish of me to say. Yay, she's moving ahead with not raising her child? I gagged writing that. Except, that's my position, right? It's a rather untenable position once you start exploring all sides of adoption and learning what it means for all members of the triad. I am the privileged one. I am the so-called savior. *GAG*
Anyway, still freaking the f-ck out over here, just with less dread I guess.
It eases the worrying, which I fully understand is goddamn selfish of me to say. Yay, she's moving ahead with not raising her child? I gagged writing that. Except, that's my position, right? It's a rather untenable position once you start exploring all sides of adoption and learning what it means for all members of the triad. I am the privileged one. I am the so-called savior. *GAG*
Anyway, still freaking the f-ck out over here, just with less dread I guess.
Waiting and Worrying
While we have been waiting for theoretical baby to be born, my cousin had her baby. I remember when she announced her pregnancy that S and I really hoped to bring home our baby first. Hey, what do you want from us? I'm competitive, and S is over it. It was rather fun to be snarky about the whole thing.
We lost that secret race last week. While I was trying to work out massive amounts of anxiety by riding my bike up a mountain, my cousin was hiking a trail nearby trying to jump-start labor. While I was having mini-breakdowns every couple of days, my cousin was getting multiple posts on her F-B wall asking if she had the baby yet. While I was telling myself it was ok to have a couple beers or glasses of wine every single night, she was in her mid-wife's office arguing against being induced.
I found out that her baby had been born by (what else?) a text from my mother. I also found out that she had a c-section and the baby had some issues (long labor) and had to go to the NICU. All of which, may have been better as a phone conversation? Oh, right. She doesn't actually want to have a conversation.
I had a brief reprieve for a few days last week when I allowed myself to hope that this match is for real and will go smoothly. I think that came after our update last Tuesday when it was re-iterated that J wants us at the hospital ready to take care of baby right after his birth. I let myself get excited, and I packed the baby bag, my clothes and got X's suitcase partially packed. I found a sub for my Sunday class because S and I were so sure that she would give birth over the weekend.
The weekend came and went without a phone call. Monday, I woke up all kinds of pissed off that I had to go to work. It was a bad day and all the bad thoughts took up residence. You know the ones if you've been in this position: "
Getting any work done is next to impossible, and a task that I easily should've been able to put to finish last week is getting dragged out despite the full knowledge that the phone call could come at any time. Other tasks that I need to be starting are falling by the wayside, and some of those have September deadlines on them that can't be missed. Yet, here I sit, staring blankly into space, checking my e-mail every 5 minutes, reading news sites, and doing anything that doesn't require actual brain power.
We lost that secret race last week. While I was trying to work out massive amounts of anxiety by riding my bike up a mountain, my cousin was hiking a trail nearby trying to jump-start labor. While I was having mini-breakdowns every couple of days, my cousin was getting multiple posts on her F-B wall asking if she had the baby yet. While I was telling myself it was ok to have a couple beers or glasses of wine every single night, she was in her mid-wife's office arguing against being induced.
I found out that her baby had been born by (what else?) a text from my mother. I also found out that she had a c-section and the baby had some issues (long labor) and had to go to the NICU. All of which, may have been better as a phone conversation? Oh, right. She doesn't actually want to have a conversation.
I had a brief reprieve for a few days last week when I allowed myself to hope that this match is for real and will go smoothly. I think that came after our update last Tuesday when it was re-iterated that J wants us at the hospital ready to take care of baby right after his birth. I let myself get excited, and I packed the baby bag, my clothes and got X's suitcase partially packed. I found a sub for my Sunday class because S and I were so sure that she would give birth over the weekend.
The weekend came and went without a phone call. Monday, I woke up all kinds of pissed off that I had to go to work. It was a bad day and all the bad thoughts took up residence. You know the ones if you've been in this position: "
- She's going to decide to parent, we'll get a phone call telling us that the match is off,
- She decided she doesn't want us to raise her baby and chose someone else,
- She's AWOL and not communicating with her caseworker
Getting any work done is next to impossible, and a task that I easily should've been able to put to finish last week is getting dragged out despite the full knowledge that the phone call could come at any time. Other tasks that I need to be starting are falling by the wayside, and some of those have September deadlines on them that can't be missed. Yet, here I sit, staring blankly into space, checking my e-mail every 5 minutes, reading news sites, and doing anything that doesn't require actual brain power.
Friday, August 15, 2014
Anxiety
...is rampant in my household. S and I have had multiple conversations this week about our feelings on this very particular wait. In another case of we're both on the same page, we've admitted we don't feel joy in waiting for the baby to be born.
We feel nervous.
We feel anxious.
We wonder if this is our baby.
Going through the motions of washing 0-3 month clothes and cloth diapers, putting them in the dresser and shopping for a few little things for baby doesn't feel full of anticipation. Rather, I feel like I'm tempting fate by washing these things again. After all, they were washed last spring only to be put away again for another year.
Yet, I've done it. I've gone to the attic and pulled down most things that we need for a baby coming home. I've won an auction for a new diaper bag because we hated the two we used for X (picky, right?). I've counted out the newborn cloth diapers wondering if we have enough or if I should get a few more (between pre-folds, fitted, and all-in-one, we have 29). Past the newborn stage, there are plenty of diapers for use, just waiting in the wings...
I've done all the prep and I feel hollow. I don't feel like I'm anticipating the homecoming of a bundle of joy.
I feel like I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop.
(and i can't concentrate on work. i should, because i have another report to write, and i should get ahead of the schedule before baby comes, but blank stares at the computer screen are the norm)
We feel nervous.
We feel anxious.
We wonder if this is our baby.
Going through the motions of washing 0-3 month clothes and cloth diapers, putting them in the dresser and shopping for a few little things for baby doesn't feel full of anticipation. Rather, I feel like I'm tempting fate by washing these things again. After all, they were washed last spring only to be put away again for another year.
Yet, I've done it. I've gone to the attic and pulled down most things that we need for a baby coming home. I've won an auction for a new diaper bag because we hated the two we used for X (picky, right?). I've counted out the newborn cloth diapers wondering if we have enough or if I should get a few more (between pre-folds, fitted, and all-in-one, we have 29). Past the newborn stage, there are plenty of diapers for use, just waiting in the wings...
I've done all the prep and I feel hollow. I don't feel like I'm anticipating the homecoming of a bundle of joy.
I feel like I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop.
(and i can't concentrate on work. i should, because i have another report to write, and i should get ahead of the schedule before baby comes, but blank stares at the computer screen are the norm)
Sunday, August 10, 2014
Names
Naming a baby is difficult. We had it easy with X as C named him, and it so happened that his name was on our list as a very late addition. It's a cool name, we have grown to love it, and can't imagine him with any other name.
Naming this baby is beyond difficult. Three years ago, this is what our refrigerator looked like:
Naming this baby is beyond difficult. Three years ago, this is what our refrigerator looked like:
Most of these names have now been placed firmly in the No category. Some of these I don't like, or he doesn't like, or we both don't like. So, this list is kaput, gone, start over.
As we've delved into other names, it seems to go like this: Me: What about Damian? S: NO. Me: What about Finn? S: NO.
Yeah.
I've turned to Duana on Lainey Gossip for inspiration. I've combed through lots of her back articles, looking for boys names, and I've even submitted a question to her in hopes that she answers it. It's helped give me some ideas to present to S.
I've also gotten crazy on Nameberry. Searching through lists, trying names on for size. Wondering if I would condemn a kid to a life of teasing or "ew". There's a list now, maybe there's a name in there? I have one that has stuck in my head since I first considered it, and now I'm thinking of the theoretical baby as ______. Every other name I come across is a second or third, or....yeah, no. S doesn't have a favorite. I think he's waiting to meet the baby before he really lands on a name. At least I hope that's the reason he can't seem to form an opinion.
I wonder if it would have been easier if I had been pregnant and we spent several months considering names, vs. being on the hook for a phone call that we may have a baby soon.
Tuesday, August 5, 2014
2nd Meeting...Not so Good?
We met with J (expectant mom) again tonight. This meeting was to get together with our kids and let them play together, meet them, etc. X and I got there late because of traffic (and J was waaaay early). S was a few minutes before X and I, so I walked into a room with 2 boys running around and everyone just sitting around watching them. Ok, I can handle that, just add my boy to the mix and we'll watch them for an hour.
Because that's what happens when 3 boys under the age of 6 get together. Chaos. Loud, throwing stuff, feeding off each other chaos.
I felt uncomfortable, for sure, because we couldn't really talk, and I was distracted by X shoveling goldfish into his face faster than he can chew them, plus my own grumbling stomach. J looked exhausted and didn't seem up to much conversation herself. Instead of the non-stop conversation we enjoyed at the first meeting, we just had a couple of short conversations. I asked J a few questions about how she's doing, how her appointments are going, etc. and left it at that. I did ask her how she's feeling about her decision to place, and she answered that she's still feeling good with the decision. She wants her caseworker to go with her to a midwife appointment so that her midwife has a clear picture of J's hospital plan. Important to note here, S didn't have any questions for her.
After she and her boys left, shit hit the fan.
I thought everything had gone as well as it could have given the 3 boys running around, and basically I didn't expect anything of substance out of this meeting other than to just get together to meet the kids. Apparently, our caseworker thought I was supposed to act differently. Caseworker said I looked like I wanted to be anywhere but in that room. That's not how I felt. I admitted to Caseworker that I feel shut down emotionally right now, because it's just too uncertain. I don't know how to feel at this moment. In trying to explain myself, I probably revealed too much about my therapy, how it lead me to the problems with my mom and how that's been affecting me over the last 6 months. I don't know what the hell that has to do with anything in this situation, other than it shows that I've been up to my eyeballs in shit on top of 2 failed matches.
The problem I have with this whole exchange between me and Caseworker is that she seemed to think that I should feel or act differently. That I should show joy in this match and expectation of the baby coming. This isn't my baby, not yet. In the hospital, if everything goes according to plan, I will feel more like this is my baby, but I've now had two babies literally dangled in front of me like fucking carrots and then yanked away a few days later. I am not able to forget that. I am also not able to pretend like that didn't happen!
Caseworker got irritated with me when I stated that I think J needs to really look at her options and needs to make her decision regardless of me and S. Caseworker insisted that some parents can't just make the decision to place and send their babies into a void. That these parents need to connect with the adoptive family to know that they are making the right decision. Really? Because, I see a woman in front of me who could parent if she had the proper support. That's where we are breaking down in communication, Caseworker and I. I've been reading too many family preservation type blogs, and Caseworker is in the business of adoption. What I know of J, this may be the best option for her considering her situation at the moment and obviously, I want another baby. I just really really want for her to have considered all her avenues, and I'm not sure she has. She seems to have set herself on this path without any looking back, or left or right. Based on some things she's said, I have to wonder if she's really working through the emotional part, and what will happen when the baby is here?
I left the meeting completely pissed off at Caseworker and frustrated that she didn't seem to have my best interests at heart. Since S and I drove separately, he ended up in the parking lot longer than me and X and ran into Caseworker as he was leaving. I guess she apologized for upsetting me, and S told her that he's not worried about me. Go S!
After all, I am the one who has been shopping for baby things, even though we are going to have 2 boys and we have all the stuff. But, you know, this baby should have some stuff to call his own. I am the one who has been looking at names more than S (a lot more, and we can't seem to agree).
I'm still shut down emotionally. I'm still protecting myself. I should be protecting myself. That's how I will get through this. Besides, if I'm not supposed to be telling the world that we're expecting a baby in a few weeks, then I have to be shut down. I can't go blabbing all over work like the pregnant ladies in the office for crying out loud. This could still fail.
This isn't my baby until the TPR papers are signed.
A good piece of information today was that the father has an appointment with the process server tomorrow to sign his TPR papers. So, there's that.
3.5 weeks to expected due date. 3.5 weeks of limbo. 3.5 weeks of wondering if this is our baby.
Because that's what happens when 3 boys under the age of 6 get together. Chaos. Loud, throwing stuff, feeding off each other chaos.
I felt uncomfortable, for sure, because we couldn't really talk, and I was distracted by X shoveling goldfish into his face faster than he can chew them, plus my own grumbling stomach. J looked exhausted and didn't seem up to much conversation herself. Instead of the non-stop conversation we enjoyed at the first meeting, we just had a couple of short conversations. I asked J a few questions about how she's doing, how her appointments are going, etc. and left it at that. I did ask her how she's feeling about her decision to place, and she answered that she's still feeling good with the decision. She wants her caseworker to go with her to a midwife appointment so that her midwife has a clear picture of J's hospital plan. Important to note here, S didn't have any questions for her.
After she and her boys left, shit hit the fan.
I thought everything had gone as well as it could have given the 3 boys running around, and basically I didn't expect anything of substance out of this meeting other than to just get together to meet the kids. Apparently, our caseworker thought I was supposed to act differently. Caseworker said I looked like I wanted to be anywhere but in that room. That's not how I felt. I admitted to Caseworker that I feel shut down emotionally right now, because it's just too uncertain. I don't know how to feel at this moment. In trying to explain myself, I probably revealed too much about my therapy, how it lead me to the problems with my mom and how that's been affecting me over the last 6 months. I don't know what the hell that has to do with anything in this situation, other than it shows that I've been up to my eyeballs in shit on top of 2 failed matches.
The problem I have with this whole exchange between me and Caseworker is that she seemed to think that I should feel or act differently. That I should show joy in this match and expectation of the baby coming. This isn't my baby, not yet. In the hospital, if everything goes according to plan, I will feel more like this is my baby, but I've now had two babies literally dangled in front of me like fucking carrots and then yanked away a few days later. I am not able to forget that. I am also not able to pretend like that didn't happen!
Caseworker got irritated with me when I stated that I think J needs to really look at her options and needs to make her decision regardless of me and S. Caseworker insisted that some parents can't just make the decision to place and send their babies into a void. That these parents need to connect with the adoptive family to know that they are making the right decision. Really? Because, I see a woman in front of me who could parent if she had the proper support. That's where we are breaking down in communication, Caseworker and I. I've been reading too many family preservation type blogs, and Caseworker is in the business of adoption. What I know of J, this may be the best option for her considering her situation at the moment and obviously, I want another baby. I just really really want for her to have considered all her avenues, and I'm not sure she has. She seems to have set herself on this path without any looking back, or left or right. Based on some things she's said, I have to wonder if she's really working through the emotional part, and what will happen when the baby is here?
I left the meeting completely pissed off at Caseworker and frustrated that she didn't seem to have my best interests at heart. Since S and I drove separately, he ended up in the parking lot longer than me and X and ran into Caseworker as he was leaving. I guess she apologized for upsetting me, and S told her that he's not worried about me. Go S!
After all, I am the one who has been shopping for baby things, even though we are going to have 2 boys and we have all the stuff. But, you know, this baby should have some stuff to call his own. I am the one who has been looking at names more than S (a lot more, and we can't seem to agree).
I'm still shut down emotionally. I'm still protecting myself. I should be protecting myself. That's how I will get through this. Besides, if I'm not supposed to be telling the world that we're expecting a baby in a few weeks, then I have to be shut down. I can't go blabbing all over work like the pregnant ladies in the office for crying out loud. This could still fail.
This isn't my baby until the TPR papers are signed.
A good piece of information today was that the father has an appointment with the process server tomorrow to sign his TPR papers. So, there's that.
3.5 weeks to expected due date. 3.5 weeks of limbo. 3.5 weeks of wondering if this is our baby.
Thursday, July 17, 2014
Meeting for the First Time
She is so freaking cute. Expectant mom, I mean.
We had our first meeting with her and it went really well. She chose us because we are kind of in the science industry as she has interest in the sciences. And did that show! I felt immediately in tune with her thought processes and logic.
We, well, I mostly, talked about the failed match with last summer and how that is affecting our approach to this match. While they are totally different situations, and this match is far more positive (in hindsight), it still remains that everything can change when the baby is born.
So, we'll see. Expected due date is August 31.
I told my supervisor, because I was supposed to travel the week of the due date, but I have been able to pass that project to someone else. I'm bummed about missing out on the opportunity to work on this particular dam, but I'll be able to stay involved a little bit by reviewing the report that comes out of it. It's hard to balance my desire to work on some of these projects with the realities of family life. Supervisor is supposed to keep it quiet given the last two failures, but that remains to be seen. He isn't the best at keeping information to himself.
We are thinking about names as she told us that she is not planning on nor has entertained any names. It's funny how much our list has changed since we first started trying to come up with a list.
I don't have much to write because I'm feeling shut-down. Anxiety is starting to rear its head, with tiny bursts of hopefulness. Very tiny. minuscule. I'm not sure I'm going to feel much of anything other than anxiety until there is a baby in our house for good.
We had our first meeting with her and it went really well. She chose us because we are kind of in the science industry as she has interest in the sciences. And did that show! I felt immediately in tune with her thought processes and logic.
We, well, I mostly, talked about the failed match with last summer and how that is affecting our approach to this match. While they are totally different situations, and this match is far more positive (in hindsight), it still remains that everything can change when the baby is born.
So, we'll see. Expected due date is August 31.
I told my supervisor, because I was supposed to travel the week of the due date, but I have been able to pass that project to someone else. I'm bummed about missing out on the opportunity to work on this particular dam, but I'll be able to stay involved a little bit by reviewing the report that comes out of it. It's hard to balance my desire to work on some of these projects with the realities of family life. Supervisor is supposed to keep it quiet given the last two failures, but that remains to be seen. He isn't the best at keeping information to himself.
We are thinking about names as she told us that she is not planning on nor has entertained any names. It's funny how much our list has changed since we first started trying to come up with a list.
I don't have much to write because I'm feeling shut-down. Anxiety is starting to rear its head, with tiny bursts of hopefulness. Very tiny. minuscule. I'm not sure I'm going to feel much of anything other than anxiety until there is a baby in our house for good.
Wednesday, July 9, 2014
The Formal Presentation and Updates
The formal presentation was on June 30 (our 12th wedding anniversary :) ). It went well, as expected.
The caseworker assigned to us is the former director of the agency and is being careful to make sure that everyone in the expectant mom's circle is agreeing with the plan to move forward with adoption. It was refreshing the way she took charge, instructing the birthfamily counselor to have a cradle care family on-call at the time of the birth, because if there's any ambivalence on the part of anyone involved, we aren't taking the baby home. We can't take that kind of emotional risk again. It made me wonder what went wrong with Axton's placement last year. I shouldn't be comparing placements because they are totally different situations, but I can't help it. The analytical, solving part of my brain is in overdrive to protect me emotionally.
I wish that pre-birth matching was not a thing. I wish that adoptive families weren't brought into the equation, even if chosen early, until after the birth. I think that there are too many emotions to work through immediately after the birth of a baby that one does not need more people involved. When our caseworker asked about us being at the hospital for the birth, we both waffled. Then decided we have to try not to compare cases (right, sure) and said we would be ok with being there. When our caseworker asked if we would want to be in the delivery room, it was a resounding "NO". I know people do it, but....yuck.
We got an update and more information about potential birthfather today. I see two yellow flags flapping vigorously: 1) Someone in her family is dealing with fertility issues and is thinking about adoption. I wonder what's up with that 2) Potential birthfather has not sent back social/medical history after verbally agreeing to the adoption plan. He's out of state and was responsive to the counselor until recently. Ugh.
I think about this match in the most abstract sense most of the time. It's relieved some stress in that I'm not sitting at work every day waiting for the phone to ring, but when S called me to read the update e-mail, my first thought was, "it already fell through". Maybe I'll feel better when we meet the expectant mom next week.
The caseworker assigned to us is the former director of the agency and is being careful to make sure that everyone in the expectant mom's circle is agreeing with the plan to move forward with adoption. It was refreshing the way she took charge, instructing the birthfamily counselor to have a cradle care family on-call at the time of the birth, because if there's any ambivalence on the part of anyone involved, we aren't taking the baby home. We can't take that kind of emotional risk again. It made me wonder what went wrong with Axton's placement last year. I shouldn't be comparing placements because they are totally different situations, but I can't help it. The analytical, solving part of my brain is in overdrive to protect me emotionally.
I wish that pre-birth matching was not a thing. I wish that adoptive families weren't brought into the equation, even if chosen early, until after the birth. I think that there are too many emotions to work through immediately after the birth of a baby that one does not need more people involved. When our caseworker asked about us being at the hospital for the birth, we both waffled. Then decided we have to try not to compare cases (right, sure) and said we would be ok with being there. When our caseworker asked if we would want to be in the delivery room, it was a resounding "NO". I know people do it, but....yuck.
We got an update and more information about potential birthfather today. I see two yellow flags flapping vigorously: 1) Someone in her family is dealing with fertility issues and is thinking about adoption. I wonder what's up with that 2) Potential birthfather has not sent back social/medical history after verbally agreeing to the adoption plan. He's out of state and was responsive to the counselor until recently. Ugh.
I think about this match in the most abstract sense most of the time. It's relieved some stress in that I'm not sitting at work every day waiting for the phone to ring, but when S called me to read the update e-mail, my first thought was, "it already fell through". Maybe I'll feel better when we meet the expectant mom next week.
Wednesday, June 25, 2014
3rd Time's the Charm?
I leave my cubical for 2.5 minutes to heat up lunch.
I get back to find that I missed a phone call from the agency.
Pretty sure it only means one thing at this point given the conversation that occurred a couple weeks ago.
I call back with my stomach in my throat, hands shaking.
Caseworker is on the phone. (f*ck!) I leave a voicemail.
I check e-mail to see if there's a real-time e-mail coming from S telling me he's on the phone. Nope.
I start to send him a text....
My desk phone rings. It's him.
I answer, "Please tell me Caseworker called you! Give me good news!"
It's good and terrifying
The basics:
- Baby boy due at the end of August (terrifying, long time)
- Mom really likes our open attitude (yay!)
- Mom wants to meet a couple times before birth
- Mom has been engaged in counseling for a while (good - better than last year when D was trying to pretend like it wasn't all happening)
- Dad on board with adoption plan.
- Dad not in state, but appears to want some kind of communication
More details will be given to us on Monday. For us, it's a formality, this "formal presentation". We have never said No after the formal presentation. We're matched again: it feels exciting, scary, terrifying, and I'm petrified. But I want to go shopping for baby crap that we don't need! That's positive, right?
I have a dam inspection at the end of August. Figures.
I get back to find that I missed a phone call from the agency.
Pretty sure it only means one thing at this point given the conversation that occurred a couple weeks ago.
I call back with my stomach in my throat, hands shaking.
Caseworker is on the phone. (f*ck!) I leave a voicemail.
I check e-mail to see if there's a real-time e-mail coming from S telling me he's on the phone. Nope.
I start to send him a text....
My desk phone rings. It's him.
I answer, "Please tell me Caseworker called you! Give me good news!"
It's good and terrifying
The basics:
- Baby boy due at the end of August (terrifying, long time)
- Mom really likes our open attitude (yay!)
- Mom wants to meet a couple times before birth
- Mom has been engaged in counseling for a while (good - better than last year when D was trying to pretend like it wasn't all happening)
- Dad on board with adoption plan.
- Dad not in state, but appears to want some kind of communication
More details will be given to us on Monday. For us, it's a formality, this "formal presentation". We have never said No after the formal presentation. We're matched again: it feels exciting, scary, terrifying, and I'm petrified. But I want to go shopping for baby crap that we don't need! That's positive, right?
I have a dam inspection at the end of August. Figures.
Thursday, June 12, 2014
Another Update - Baby N
I know, I'm a posting machine! I actually meant to put this with the previous post, but I'm traveling, and got food poisoning so yesterday afternoon was spent sleeping and trying not to puke. Awesome. Since I had scheduled the post, it went ahead and posted itself right on time.
Today is slightly better. Less pukey, but more like I've been hit by a truck. I'll take it. Anyway, I'm attempting to work (Value Engineering Study, yay) but really still don't feel like it.
Yesterday I spoke with our caseworker and inquired about Baby N's status. It's something that we have been becoming increasingly curious about now that it's been a couple months since everything fell apart for us. He's still with the cradle care family as the county allowed him to stay in that home because they are licensed for foster-care, and he's been weaned off of his meds. His father filed for paternity in the court and is waiting for the hearing to determine if he's fit to parent.
As our caseworker stated, everything that could go wrong, went wrong, and from our perspective it was a worst-case scenario situation. Even though Baby N's father does not appear to be fit to parent to us, that doesn't necessarily preclude his ability to get custody of Baby N. From my point of view, it's really sad if he does, because I sincerely doubt that he has the resources and the maturity to deal with Baby N's on-going issues. I suppose that he could suddenly grow up and become an adult. Given my perspective as an adult who has my shit together, and has the resources to provide a stable home to Baby N, it's hard to root for this guy. I think this is where adoptive parents get dragged down into these cases and hold onto the fight way longer than they should. If we had Baby N in our home at this time, and we were learning more details about his father, you can be damn sure we'd be hoping for parental rights to be terminated. As it is, we knew that we would not be able to hand Baby N over to this guy willingly, so we had to walk away from the entire situation.
We made the right decision to walk away. I hope that when other prospective adoptive parents find themselves in a similar situation, they are able to have the strength to walk away instead of fight. Birth parents have the right to parent their children, and if the courts decide that they are fit to parent, and can provide a stable home, then they should parent their children. Through our lenses of the adoptive parent, it may not seem like the right decision, but it IS the right decision. We are clouded by our own grief over our inability to procreate, by our own status in society as upstanding citizens (the homestudy is supposed to screen us for that after all) and by many accounts have suffered much grief and anger over the situations that lead us down this path. When faced with these untenable situations, we have to step back and realize that someone else, an impartial party is the one to make the decision regarding the future of the child. We are not impartial. We can't be.
Today is slightly better. Less pukey, but more like I've been hit by a truck. I'll take it. Anyway, I'm attempting to work (Value Engineering Study, yay) but really still don't feel like it.
Yesterday I spoke with our caseworker and inquired about Baby N's status. It's something that we have been becoming increasingly curious about now that it's been a couple months since everything fell apart for us. He's still with the cradle care family as the county allowed him to stay in that home because they are licensed for foster-care, and he's been weaned off of his meds. His father filed for paternity in the court and is waiting for the hearing to determine if he's fit to parent.
As our caseworker stated, everything that could go wrong, went wrong, and from our perspective it was a worst-case scenario situation. Even though Baby N's father does not appear to be fit to parent to us, that doesn't necessarily preclude his ability to get custody of Baby N. From my point of view, it's really sad if he does, because I sincerely doubt that he has the resources and the maturity to deal with Baby N's on-going issues. I suppose that he could suddenly grow up and become an adult. Given my perspective as an adult who has my shit together, and has the resources to provide a stable home to Baby N, it's hard to root for this guy. I think this is where adoptive parents get dragged down into these cases and hold onto the fight way longer than they should. If we had Baby N in our home at this time, and we were learning more details about his father, you can be damn sure we'd be hoping for parental rights to be terminated. As it is, we knew that we would not be able to hand Baby N over to this guy willingly, so we had to walk away from the entire situation.
We made the right decision to walk away. I hope that when other prospective adoptive parents find themselves in a similar situation, they are able to have the strength to walk away instead of fight. Birth parents have the right to parent their children, and if the courts decide that they are fit to parent, and can provide a stable home, then they should parent their children. Through our lenses of the adoptive parent, it may not seem like the right decision, but it IS the right decision. We are clouded by our own grief over our inability to procreate, by our own status in society as upstanding citizens (the homestudy is supposed to screen us for that after all) and by many accounts have suffered much grief and anger over the situations that lead us down this path. When faced with these untenable situations, we have to step back and realize that someone else, an impartial party is the one to make the decision regarding the future of the child. We are not impartial. We can't be.
Wednesday, June 11, 2014
On the Adoption Waiting Front
The update for June came yesterday. We are still at position No. 10 on the waiting list, so if they've had placements, they've all been people who are lower than us on the list. I kind of hate knowing that.
Our caseworker is going on maternity leave, which means that once again we are being shuffled around to another caseworker. When we were waiting for X, we started with caseworker A, she left the state, so we got caseworker B, caseworker B left the state a few months after we met her, and we ended up with caseworker C. Then caseworker A came back to the agency and we ended up back with her. This time, we are actually being handed over to the former director of the agency, who was C's counselor and helped facilitate our meetings the first year we knew C. So, I actually feel good about this switch. We already know her, and we chose this agency largely based on her presentation at the informational meeting we had. Besides, we need to be treated with kid gloves given what we've been through the last year.
I think our profile is out right now as there was a hint that there may be something coming up soon, but she didn't want to tell us details unless we ask. We know better at this point to ask for details, and had specifically told her not to tell us when we are being profiled. I don't know which way is better. Way back in February we knew we were being profiled a couple of times, but nothing came of those and the anxiety waiting to hear about whether we were moving forward was horrible. So, I think we'll just take the big hint and try not to think about it, and just wait for the phone to ring for real. When she starts dropping hints like this, it usually means that something is going to come up in the next couple of weeks.
It's pretty sad that I've been through this enough times that I can analyze all the past profilings and matches and know what's going on without asking questions.
Our caseworker is going on maternity leave, which means that once again we are being shuffled around to another caseworker. When we were waiting for X, we started with caseworker A, she left the state, so we got caseworker B, caseworker B left the state a few months after we met her, and we ended up with caseworker C. Then caseworker A came back to the agency and we ended up back with her. This time, we are actually being handed over to the former director of the agency, who was C's counselor and helped facilitate our meetings the first year we knew C. So, I actually feel good about this switch. We already know her, and we chose this agency largely based on her presentation at the informational meeting we had. Besides, we need to be treated with kid gloves given what we've been through the last year.
I think our profile is out right now as there was a hint that there may be something coming up soon, but she didn't want to tell us details unless we ask. We know better at this point to ask for details, and had specifically told her not to tell us when we are being profiled. I don't know which way is better. Way back in February we knew we were being profiled a couple of times, but nothing came of those and the anxiety waiting to hear about whether we were moving forward was horrible. So, I think we'll just take the big hint and try not to think about it, and just wait for the phone to ring for real. When she starts dropping hints like this, it usually means that something is going to come up in the next couple of weeks.
It's pretty sad that I've been through this enough times that I can analyze all the past profilings and matches and know what's going on without asking questions.
Thursday, May 29, 2014
1 Year Ago Today at 7:00am
As I scrambled to grab Baby X, keys, lunch and coffee to get out the door and go to work, S called from the road: "We aren't going to work today." I brought Baby X to day care, called work to tell my supervisor I wasn't coming in, rushed home, changed into comfortable clothes and packed an overnight bag. S called his supervisor, turned the truck around, and called his parents to know that they needed to pick up Baby X from daycare. We met at home, excited, nervous and frantically making sure that we had all the logistics worked out.
At about 9:30am we met our caseworker at the hospital and went up to D's room to visit. She looked exhausted (Axton was born very early in the morning) and we were extremely nervous. We asked if we could hold him, and she nodded. He was pretty darn cute in that just-born kind of way. She asked what we were planning on naming him and we told her. She said she liked it. We met the social worker at the hospital briefly and our caseworker helped us get settled as it were, saying that if we needed anything we should let her know. We thought we had it. We would let Axton stay with D as much as she wanted to and mostly spend time with them together. Little did we know that we were embarking on a difficult hospital stay (our caseworker's words as we have no experience other than this one).
I felt too weird the first night to ask if we could have him in our room, and then the second night, D and her family kept us out of her room except to say goodnight. That's when we started freaking out. The nurse on duty assured us that her grieving process was typical and that it was a good sign that she had started to recognize what was happening rather than being shut down and not dealing with the feelings as she had the first day.
We should have freaked out. We should have called our caseworker that night and told her to get cradle care (temporary foster care) set up. We should have told our caseworker the next day that we were too uncomfortable to bring Axton home. But D insisted that she knew that this was the best thing to do given her rocky situation and what she had been through trying to raise her daughter by herself. She knew she was going to be sad, but also knew that we were going to see her soon (yes, she had to trust us on that, but we don't renege on our agreements).
Should've, should've, should've. You know when you have a gut feeling and you ignore it? I ignored my gut. How do I know I ignored my gut? Because one year later, I can clearly remember and still feel like I was there...the moment in the hospital cafeteria working through paperwork that I felt like something was wrong. That he wasn't our baby. But I pushed it away, trusting that D's caseworker, and our caseworker could read the situation better given their detachment. We were an emotional mess - excited, scared, sad, who knew if what I was feeling was really something or just me being kind of a wreck in a situation that was unfamiliar?
And so, I continue to beat myself up for not speaking up. For not taking the stand that something just didn't feel right about taking him home. For not realizing that the interactions I had with D showed me much more than she was revealing to her caseworker. It's a struggle to convince myself that I didn't know that we would be bringing Axton back to the agency 3 days after taking him home from the hospital.
One year ago today. I embarked on a week long journey that ended horribly. That changed my perspective on adoption. I still grieve today for that little baby I held and showed to Baby X, my parents, S's parents, the picture I emailed to a coworker. I grieve that our family-building journey was almost over and then it was yanked away with a phone call. I grieve for me and S in that we have been broken by both the infertility and adoption processes. Any call about a match now will only result in anxiety and fear until we know for sure that the baby will be ours. There's no room for joy when we know how fast it can be pulled away, again.
At about 9:30am we met our caseworker at the hospital and went up to D's room to visit. She looked exhausted (Axton was born very early in the morning) and we were extremely nervous. We asked if we could hold him, and she nodded. He was pretty darn cute in that just-born kind of way. She asked what we were planning on naming him and we told her. She said she liked it. We met the social worker at the hospital briefly and our caseworker helped us get settled as it were, saying that if we needed anything we should let her know. We thought we had it. We would let Axton stay with D as much as she wanted to and mostly spend time with them together. Little did we know that we were embarking on a difficult hospital stay (our caseworker's words as we have no experience other than this one).
I felt too weird the first night to ask if we could have him in our room, and then the second night, D and her family kept us out of her room except to say goodnight. That's when we started freaking out. The nurse on duty assured us that her grieving process was typical and that it was a good sign that she had started to recognize what was happening rather than being shut down and not dealing with the feelings as she had the first day.
We should have freaked out. We should have called our caseworker that night and told her to get cradle care (temporary foster care) set up. We should have told our caseworker the next day that we were too uncomfortable to bring Axton home. But D insisted that she knew that this was the best thing to do given her rocky situation and what she had been through trying to raise her daughter by herself. She knew she was going to be sad, but also knew that we were going to see her soon (yes, she had to trust us on that, but we don't renege on our agreements).
Should've, should've, should've. You know when you have a gut feeling and you ignore it? I ignored my gut. How do I know I ignored my gut? Because one year later, I can clearly remember and still feel like I was there...the moment in the hospital cafeteria working through paperwork that I felt like something was wrong. That he wasn't our baby. But I pushed it away, trusting that D's caseworker, and our caseworker could read the situation better given their detachment. We were an emotional mess - excited, scared, sad, who knew if what I was feeling was really something or just me being kind of a wreck in a situation that was unfamiliar?
And so, I continue to beat myself up for not speaking up. For not taking the stand that something just didn't feel right about taking him home. For not realizing that the interactions I had with D showed me much more than she was revealing to her caseworker. It's a struggle to convince myself that I didn't know that we would be bringing Axton back to the agency 3 days after taking him home from the hospital.
One year ago today. I embarked on a week long journey that ended horribly. That changed my perspective on adoption. I still grieve today for that little baby I held and showed to Baby X, my parents, S's parents, the picture I emailed to a coworker. I grieve that our family-building journey was almost over and then it was yanked away with a phone call. I grieve for me and S in that we have been broken by both the infertility and adoption processes. Any call about a match now will only result in anxiety and fear until we know for sure that the baby will be ours. There's no room for joy when we know how fast it can be pulled away, again.
Thursday, May 22, 2014
Radio Silence
I don't often go two weeks or more without posting, but at this time I don't have much to say. On Mother's Day I turned 40. There were no placements in April so we're stalled out on the adoption front. My workload is light (partly in anticipation of me going on leave) and that has been hellish as I arrive every day, sit down and wonder what the hell I'm going to do today. Then, because I'm so light, and can't even seem to concentrate on the few tasks I have to do. It's a weird conundrum I find myself in when this happens. Any time I don't have enough to do, I lose it productivity-wise, and when I'm drowning in work I'm frustrated that I can't put enough time in to do as thorough a job as I want. blah.
As far as turning 40. Well, what the hell ever.
We've now reached our one year anniversary of our failed placement with Baby A. Oh screw it, we named him Axton. I loved that name and now we can't use it. At this time last year we had met D and were waiting for him to arrive. Enduring another failed placement in March and no movement in the pool in April has made me completely shut down. More than once I've brought up dropping out and giving up on having another baby. S isn't ready to do that, so we wait and dread the next phone call. I'm currently existing in this really weird place of cursing the end of the day when we haven't gotten a phone call and fatalistically thinking it's never going to happen. We are supposed to be nesting and getting everything ready for the day that the magical phone call comes, but I can't bring myself to bother. The attic I said I was going to organize is just as bad or worse as it was in February. Sure, we have all the stuff for baby, but all that stuff needs to be washed and organized after being stored in bins for so long. Nope. Not doing it. Don't care.
As far as turning 40. Well, what the hell ever.
We've now reached our one year anniversary of our failed placement with Baby A. Oh screw it, we named him Axton. I loved that name and now we can't use it. At this time last year we had met D and were waiting for him to arrive. Enduring another failed placement in March and no movement in the pool in April has made me completely shut down. More than once I've brought up dropping out and giving up on having another baby. S isn't ready to do that, so we wait and dread the next phone call. I'm currently existing in this really weird place of cursing the end of the day when we haven't gotten a phone call and fatalistically thinking it's never going to happen. We are supposed to be nesting and getting everything ready for the day that the magical phone call comes, but I can't bring myself to bother. The attic I said I was going to organize is just as bad or worse as it was in February. Sure, we have all the stuff for baby, but all that stuff needs to be washed and organized after being stored in bins for so long. Nope. Not doing it. Don't care.
Thursday, May 1, 2014
Turning it Around
Over the past couple of months weight has crept on fueled by eating and drinking my way through anxiety and grief over another failed match and the inevitable march towards 40.
My biggest fear when I put on a few pounds is that people will think I'm pregnant since I tend to gain in the stomach area, and my pelvis is slightly tipped making a protruding belly all that much more obvious. (I keep hoping that yoga will help with the pelvis tip, but given that I've had that posture since I started walking, I may not be able to reverse it). Along with the pregnancy twitch I've got going on, I have my share of body issues due to the way my role models approach food (read: not healthy) and a lot of my self esteem is wrapped up in how I perceive I look. (vs. how others may perceive me). Thankfully, I have enough self esteem that I never went all the way into eating disorder territory, but food still rules my mind in a way that I don't think it rules some of my friends. I eat when I'm bored or sad: I love all the carbs, beer and wine.
It's funny how the weight creeps on slowly, while I find myself in deep denial (oh, I'm bloated, that pound and half will come off tomorrow) until the scale hits a number that I haven't seen in almost 10 years. It's good that I maintain my weight within a few pounds for the most part and I don't often have to take a hard look at what I'm eating and why to keep myself in a relatively good state. My relatively "good" state, however, is one where I'm constantly trying to lose 5 pounds. I'm not ever content with what I look like and I have a feeling that when I look in the mirror, what I see is probably heavier than what everyone around me sees. In a crowd of people, I fixate on the thin, in shape women and wonder what they do to maintain whatever size they are and I compare myself to them in my head. "Do others see me like I see that woman or do they see me and think, yeah, she's ok, but she's a little thick". Ok, well, not that commentary exactly, but you get my drift. I have friends who seem to effortlessly maintain their thinness and who tend to be a size smaller than I am. I have friends who stop eating when they get stressed instead of consuming sweet carby things and I'm kind of jealous even thought that way isn't healthy either. It's hard to accept that I don't have an easily maintainable weight, and that I constantly have to stay on top of it or it comes back lickety-split. I try to exercise regularly, although some weeks, the only exercise I get are the two Jazze.rcise classes I teach and maybe one yoga class. It's not enough to offset how I want to eat versus how I need to eat if I don't exercise. I use online tracking and a heart rate monitor, but I'm really great at "accidentally" missing a day when I eat like crap. And, if I may, just bitch for half a second on how 1200 calories a day is fucking impossible? Apparently, that's what I'm supposed to eat if I don't exercise. I can eat that by 2pm. I know, I know, choosing low calorie, nutrient-dense foods is the way to feel satisfied without going over calories, blah blah blah.
Anyway, enough of the bitching already. My clothes are tight, I hate my belly, I feel gross. Time to do the things I know I have to do to turn it around. So, I signed up for a 32-mile bike ride at the beginning of June. S signed up for the 100-mile at the same festival (hahahahaha crazy person). I'm on my road bike twice a week in addition to teaching and trying to get to yoga, and.....I wish I could say I feel great.
Which brings me to the amount of stress in my life. At this moment in time I have more stress than ever, and every single day is anxiety-ridden with wondering if we will get a phone call and how I'll react to the news of another match. Sure, I can breathe, I can go to yoga and try to find a place of stillness, I can get on my bike and push myself and I can teach a class in which I push it all aside and play happy-aerobics-instructor (it does make me happy to teach). At some point, it's not enough and the body takes over. Until this journey is resolved one way or another, I have a feeling that various health professionals are going to be busy trying to keep my body maintained in some kind of functional shape.
My biggest fear when I put on a few pounds is that people will think I'm pregnant since I tend to gain in the stomach area, and my pelvis is slightly tipped making a protruding belly all that much more obvious. (I keep hoping that yoga will help with the pelvis tip, but given that I've had that posture since I started walking, I may not be able to reverse it). Along with the pregnancy twitch I've got going on, I have my share of body issues due to the way my role models approach food (read: not healthy) and a lot of my self esteem is wrapped up in how I perceive I look. (vs. how others may perceive me). Thankfully, I have enough self esteem that I never went all the way into eating disorder territory, but food still rules my mind in a way that I don't think it rules some of my friends. I eat when I'm bored or sad: I love all the carbs, beer and wine.
It's funny how the weight creeps on slowly, while I find myself in deep denial (oh, I'm bloated, that pound and half will come off tomorrow) until the scale hits a number that I haven't seen in almost 10 years. It's good that I maintain my weight within a few pounds for the most part and I don't often have to take a hard look at what I'm eating and why to keep myself in a relatively good state. My relatively "good" state, however, is one where I'm constantly trying to lose 5 pounds. I'm not ever content with what I look like and I have a feeling that when I look in the mirror, what I see is probably heavier than what everyone around me sees. In a crowd of people, I fixate on the thin, in shape women and wonder what they do to maintain whatever size they are and I compare myself to them in my head. "Do others see me like I see that woman or do they see me and think, yeah, she's ok, but she's a little thick". Ok, well, not that commentary exactly, but you get my drift. I have friends who seem to effortlessly maintain their thinness and who tend to be a size smaller than I am. I have friends who stop eating when they get stressed instead of consuming sweet carby things and I'm kind of jealous even thought that way isn't healthy either. It's hard to accept that I don't have an easily maintainable weight, and that I constantly have to stay on top of it or it comes back lickety-split. I try to exercise regularly, although some weeks, the only exercise I get are the two Jazze.rcise classes I teach and maybe one yoga class. It's not enough to offset how I want to eat versus how I need to eat if I don't exercise. I use online tracking and a heart rate monitor, but I'm really great at "accidentally" missing a day when I eat like crap. And, if I may, just bitch for half a second on how 1200 calories a day is fucking impossible? Apparently, that's what I'm supposed to eat if I don't exercise. I can eat that by 2pm. I know, I know, choosing low calorie, nutrient-dense foods is the way to feel satisfied without going over calories, blah blah blah.
Anyway, enough of the bitching already. My clothes are tight, I hate my belly, I feel gross. Time to do the things I know I have to do to turn it around. So, I signed up for a 32-mile bike ride at the beginning of June. S signed up for the 100-mile at the same festival (hahahahaha crazy person). I'm on my road bike twice a week in addition to teaching and trying to get to yoga, and.....I wish I could say I feel great.
Which brings me to the amount of stress in my life. At this moment in time I have more stress than ever, and every single day is anxiety-ridden with wondering if we will get a phone call and how I'll react to the news of another match. Sure, I can breathe, I can go to yoga and try to find a place of stillness, I can get on my bike and push myself and I can teach a class in which I push it all aside and play happy-aerobics-instructor (it does make me happy to teach). At some point, it's not enough and the body takes over. Until this journey is resolved one way or another, I have a feeling that various health professionals are going to be busy trying to keep my body maintained in some kind of functional shape.
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