#MicroblogMondays - Willpower

In my weight-issues post, I got some good suggestions that I'm checking out. One of those is the book "The Willpower Instinct". I chose to start here because I have a suspicion that I need more help with willpower in other areas of my life as well. Two birds, one stone...or 3 birds one stone, or a whole damn flock of birds with one stone. You get the picture. In the first chapter I realized what I need to work on as my #1 priority.

Concentrating at work.

Over the past several years my concentration has left me. I don't focus on the task at hand very well, and I'll even derail any progress that's being made by finding distractions. I procrastinate, but not like I used to procrastinate where I'd put something off for too long then work really hard and really long to get it done. Nope, these days I have been known to walk into a meeting cold even if I tell myself that I'll spend an hour getting ready for the meeting.

I have blogged before about how I feel like I'm doing shitastic work, yet I keep getting ranked high on my performance reviews. So, sure, I'm performing well enough, but I'm not happy with my performance. I've been trying hard to cut myself slack while getting through the adoption processes, but  those are over.

It's time to reel it back in. To re-focus, to get serious about work. To actually feel like the good employee I appear to be on paper.

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#MicroblogMondays - The Carpet is Gone

Well, that title certainly could attract a different type of reader....

"Hello! Hi!, That's not what you think it is. Go ahead and click away unless you want to read about a flooded basement."

Over the past two weekends, S ripped out the carpet in our basement. For the most part, it wasn't all that surprising. Some of the carpet was still wet, especially the pad, and under furniture that we hadn't bothered to move, there was a happy colony of mold. Go figure.

The first surprise came right away when S started tearing out the carpet. Old, ugly, broken up and falling apart tile exists under the carpet.

The second surprise came in the office closet where we didn't think the carpet had gotten wet. We were wrong. Not only had it gotten wet, it was still wet. Like really wet. The mold is on the walls, and now we are contemplating getting the drywall tested to see if we need to cut out any sections in the basement.

Because we can't address the landscaping outside that contributes to flooding inside, we can't re-carpet right away. We need to figure out what we can put down temporarily that will allow us to use our basement again. We're basically living in 1,000 sq. ft. upstairs and all the toys are driving me bananas. I had no idea how much we rely on the basement to store some of the baby toys out of the way, or how much the office is a sanctuary for me to learn Jazz.ercise routines. Since we can't agree on what to put down flooring-wise, we're at a standoff. I don't know when we'll manage to get something in there.

The joys of home ownership.

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#Microblog Mondays - Pretty Pictures

This is all I can muster today. Full on cranky beyotch over here, and X's behavior is getting worse. Four is totally sucking in our world. Even daycare has noticed a shift.

On my 4th of July bike ride in the mountains

Historic site we came across when riding our bikes during camp

Blurryness contributed by my phone. The lense was covered with sweat. :/

The perfectly toasted marshmallow at my niece's birthday party. The key was the tines of the metal skewer were hot and helped to cook it from the inside out. I'm going to remember that trick!

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#MicroblogMondays - Where Have the Years Gone?

Today I looked at my profile in the mirror while checking my hair. Usually, I don't notice much as I'm primping and getting ready for work, but today was one of those days. Like I needed another reason to be cranky all day given that this past weekend, while a lot of fun, was also a lot of stress, and I'm still exhausted from travel.

So, anyway, tired, craving caffeine, and generally ticked off that I had to drag my tired butt to work, I glanced at my profile. There it is plain as day, sagging skin in the chin/neck, a bit jowly to boot.

Helloooooo  41.

#MicroblogMondays - Baby Ears

Patiently waiting at the doctors office for an ear check. 

Question: Did the antibiotic shots finally take care of this pesky ear infection? All three oral antibiotics failed. :/

#MicroblogMondays - Aging

S's grandmother is very sick. She has dementia and has been steadily getting worse for years. This year has been awful, finally resulting in a hospital stay then transfer into a nursing facility. Throughout, I've found myself judgemental, and I don't know how to turn it off. Several years ago when his grandfather had his license taken away due to macular degeneration, I wondered why S's parents didn't start pushing them to move to assisted living. As S's grandmother declined, I kept wondering out loud to him why they wouldn't really make the argument. When she went to the hospital and landed in the worst nursing facility in town, I triumphantly told S, "see, this is what happens when there is no plan!" She finally got moved to a better facility, and that's a good thing, but it's too late. She stopped eating and drinking last week. We visited on Sunday and it's clear that the end is near. 

In situations where emotions run high, I turn to what can be controlled. I also don't have the attachment to a dwelling that others have. When I get older, I want there to be a plan and I don't want my kids to have to go through what S's parents have been through. I don't want to go through what S's parents have been through, so we have been making it clear to both sides that they better get a plan. We are in our 40's with very young kids. Our kids will still be dependent on us when our parents need more care. We won't be capable of juggling what S's dad has juggled over the past several years. Living in state guarantees that I will be the one to take care of my parents as awkward as that will be. 

I'll admit it. I'm selfish. 

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#MicroblogMondays - Parenting Edition

Baby Z is now 9 months old and mobile. In addition to crawling and pulling up to stand, he thoroughly enjoys putting everything in his mouth, paper, grass, cars, pebbles, dog hair...you get the point. X is now 4 years old and thinks he's a master negotiator. He is mostly fun, but the refusal to do things like put on his shoes in the morning, or the constant whining when something isn't going his way, or the refusal to eat dinner (he's lost 0.5 lb in a month, and I'm actually starting to get worried) grates on my nerves something fierce.

I feel like as a parent after infertility and adoption that I'm supposed to be forever grateful and floating through a sea of love and gratitude.

Ha. More like treading water and getting weaker as wave after wave splashes over my head choking me and threatening to pull me under.

We are stressed financially. The mortgage and daycare comprise of half our take-home income. The second adoption plus adding a daycare payment put a major strain on our otherwise idyllic financial life and it's a constant stressor. I wish one of us could drop down to part time as we find ourselves at the end of every weekend staring at each other and saying "we need another day". Right now, we can't. We need to pull ourselves out of the hole we've found ourselves in before we think about reducing any work hours.

We are stressed emotionally. No one tells you how hard two kids are, or they do and you don't believe them. Even though the 3 year spacing is pretty good for us considering that X is relatively independent, they are both still 100% dependent. One kid is crying, and the other is getting into who-knows-what. One kid is sleeping, and the other wakes up at 3am hungry.  One kid refuses to take naps on the weekends even though he desperately needs the rest....let me ask you a question. Is instituting a "quiet time" even worth it when trying to means a major tantrum? I think I've given up.

I have to remind myself that this is temporary. Parenting is never static, and soon, it will change. Some things will get easier, some won't. The past week was especially challenging as Baby Z got sick, thus forcing me to use more of my precious sick leave as S and I switched off with staying home. Our finished basement flooded due to all the rain we got on Thursday night. At this point, I don't give a rat's ass that I live in an arid state and getting above normal precipitation is always applauded. We can't use our basement and we have to rip out the carpet, but not replace it yet, because we have no money to fix the problem that contributed to our basement getting wet.

This too shall pass.....right?

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#MicroblogMondays - Metric Century

Pikes Peak. Look at all that snow! This is the part of the ride when I was feeling good and pumped up

Top of the last uphill. 2.5 miles up, not too steep, but a grind in granny gear after riding 50 hilly miles. About 10 miles left in the ride and I had to convince myself to turn my pedals. My knees hurt so bad. So, so, so bad...

Post-ride snack waiting for S to finish his 100-mile ride. Not exactly what I should've fueled with, but I had it from one of my aid station stops. Grabbed it for emergency food if I ran out.

 

 

Stats from Map My Ride:

• Average speed - 12.6 miles/hr (I paused recording during stops at aid stations)

• Fastest speed - 38.6 mile/hr (I'm not sure I believe this, cause I'm a speed weenie and usually slow down at 25). But, there was one freshly paved, wide open, straight downhill that I had a ton of fun on. Perhaps I did go that fast.

• Calories burned - about 3,000. Map My Ride calc'd 2451, my heart rate monitor was higher, but I forgot to turn off my HR monitor for an hour after and it recorded calories while I was standing around. So, my guess is 3,000. 

• Elevation gain 3642 feet. Lots of rolling hills. A few steeps that sucked. Good times.

• Time 5 hours, 3 minutes. 63.71 miles.

My stats today:

• Exhausted. More coffee please

• Knees hurt. Iced last night and it didn't do much.

• Butt is sore. Go figure.

• Lower back is sore.

• Upper back is tight.

• The thought of getting on my bike again makes me want to vomit.

• I'll be on it tomorrow to start working on hills.  I need so much help on hills.

• I registered for a century ride in August. What was I thinking?

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#MicroblogMondays - Stitch Fix #3

This is the third round of Stitch Fix that I've tried, and I think I've hit upon a stylist who seems to understand what I'm looking for. This time around, my stylist was Danielle, and I really liked what she chose. 

Prior to this shipment I tweaked my style profile because I had been having some issues with the way bottoms fit. I added my measurements hoping that helps choose the correct size since vanity sizing is totally out of control. Sometimes I'm a size 4, sometimes I'm a size 6, if there weren't vanity sizing, I'd be a size 8. It's so annoying! I also made sure to check off colors I don't want to receive after the beige disaster from my last box, and have decided not to receive accessories. 

One more note about price levels. With  my first box I set everything at the lowest price level, and then realized that if I want to get clothes made in the U.S. or better fabrics that I need to go up. So, at this point, my prices are set to $100-150 for all the clothes. Last box, the stylist sent mostly everything in that price range, and I about choked on the prices. (yes I know, silk is better than polyester, and two of the items were made in the U.S.) What I really like about this stylist, is that she chose less expensive tops even though I'm setting the price higher. I was hoping that the price range would include less expensive options occasionally as well as the higher priced options. It makes it easier to be willing to pay more money for some of the items.

On to the clothes...

When I opened the box the only thing I wasn't sure about was the green blouse. Everything else I was super excited to try on!

Liverpool Sally Cuffed Short $48 - Kept

The shorts fit perfectly and are really comfortable. All of my shorts are old and not looking great, so these were a keeper!

Daniel Rainn Ishara Lace Detail V-Neck Blouse $68 - Kept

This top fit so much better than the Daniel Rainn top they sent me in my first box. Even though it's a boxy cut, the sleeves fit better and there doesn't seem to be so much volume of material that it's overwhelming. Plus I love the color! 

Evolution by Cyrus Senna Zip Up Cardigan $44 - Returned

I really wanted to like this Cardigan. It has a fun print and some detailing around the pockets and neckline that make it more interesting. But, it felt itchy. Since I'm not sure if it'll soften with washing, I had to send it back.

Papermoon Jerome Crochet Detail Blouse $54 - Returned

The picture I took of this on was super blurry and I'm too lazy to bother putting it on again. There were two problems with this shirt. The fabric was kind of rough feeling a la polyester of the 70's. Ick. It was too tight across my shoulders. I wish it fit and felt better because I saw potential in it - It actually looked really good with the black jeggings I had on when taking the picture.

Maggy London Bella Textured Dress $138 - Returned

I wanted so badly to like this dress! First problem - it was too small. It was tight when I put it on, and the waist hit in the middle of my ribs. Then S had to help me take it off, which was a 5 minute ordeal in which I was really scared I'd rip a seam somewhere. We got it off safely and I sadly folded it up for return. The second issue was the color is super bright and just warm enough that it didn't look awesome with my skin tone (I need cool colors).  So, because of that I'm not bothering to contact StitchFix to see if I can get the next size up.

I know, I only kept 2 items and from the other two boxes I've kept only 1 item each. However, this box was much closer to being what I wanted and for the most part I'm sending items back because of fit, not because I hate them. I'm definitely going to keep getting boxes, maybe one every other month or so and next time I'll be sure to request Danielle!

If you're interested in checking out Stitch Fix, you can go there by clicking on my referral link. Yes, I get a $25 credit when you sign up, and then you start bugging all your friends when you love it. Marketing genius!

p.s.  I realize this is hardly a Microblog.  :)

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#MicroblogMondays - Cleaning Up My Blog

The line between anonymous me on this blog and in real life me is beginning to blur and has prompted me to revert some of my posts to draft. I'm usually careful to only post about things that happen to me, but rest assured if any family members read what I wrote all hell would break loose. I'm not what you'd call tactful when ranting in this space. I don't plan on ever revealing my identity, or invite IRL friends/family to read this blog, but I have felt a pull to post a picture or two, like on my NIAW post. I thought about that long and hard, and realized that putting up a picture of myself when I've been totally anonymous would be a nice punctuation mark on the whole post. It felt right. It also felt a little scary.


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#MicroblogMonday - F*ck Tw*tter **Update**

I don't seem to have the personality to handle the perceived slights. I don't seem to have the personality to handle how it makes me feel when I think I'm being ignored. I don't like feeling like I'm the outsider. Never have. And I always feel like I'm the outsider, especially on Tw.itter.

Goodbye Tw.itter, I'm leaving you in the name of self care.

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**Update** Well, dammit, I was all like *mic drop* I'm outta here and then I get a couple notifications and an convo and....*sigh*....I don't know what to do. Maybe this is the medium I love to hate but can't leave.  

#MicroblogMondays - A New Layer to Open Adoption

X's half sibling was born to his first-mom, and she's parenting. We've told X that she was going to have a baby who is his half sibling. I'm pretty sure he really doesn't grasp the concept given that according to him, his brother lives in our house (Baby A). But, I figure that we need to approach events like these with matter of fact talk no matter his age. Besides, we see C somewhat regularly, and I'm guessing we'll be meeting her baby as well.

There you have it. It's getting more complicated.



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#MicroblogMondays - Don't Be Scared

I'm about halfway through Lean In. I decided to read it because I heard/read so much positive and negative commentary related to what Sheryl Sandberg has to say about women in the workplace, and more specifically, the lack of women in higher management jobs. Given my personal struggle of being a woman in a technical, male-dominated field, I thought I should read it and develop my own opinion.

So far, she's nailed it. I see myself, my career, my struggle with balance reflected in the pages. Before I ever had a boyfriend worthy of marrying, I started talking myself out of applying for certain jobs. I didn't want to travel (hello single woman with no ties, what the f-ck were you thinking?). I didn't want to work overtime (duh, no one does, but sometimes you need to early in your career when there's no one to take care of but you.)

There's another aspect to it though, and that has to do with plain old gender differences. Women tend to be risk averse and feel that they need to have all the skills an attributes of a position down before going for the next level. Men tend to be more confident in their ability to step into the unknown.

That's totally me. The last time a manager position came up in my workplace, I conveniently was planning on taking maternity leave and didn't put in for it. I was frustrated, but secretly fine with the fact that I didn't have to put myself out there to go for a position that I'm not sure I'd be effective in.

Now that I'm back at work, and reading this book, I'm realizing need to stop hiding. I don't want to retire at the level I'm at even though it is a perfectly good position both technically and project management-wise. But it's not me to stay in this position for the next 25 years or so without at least trying to move up in the organization. I've been hiding behind the "work-life balance" argument for a few years. Or, I've been hiding behind the "I need to accomplish A, B and C before I can apply for that job".

It's time to stop being scared.

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#MicroblogMondays - The Budgets

I tried two ways of budgeting, You Need a Budget, and Mint.com.  While I liked the YNAB philosophy and realize that we need to be using some of their advice, I know that there is no way that S and I will record every single transaction. I also know that I will not download the files from our accounts every week in order to keep up.  I'm a little nervous about using something that is linked directly to our accounts, but I'm going to go with convenience and cross my fingers that we will be ok using Mint. I really like that I have it on my phone, and I can check myself by simply opening the app and looking at real time data.

That real time data has been eye-opening. I set up a whole bunch of budgets including big bills that will be hitting at specific times during the year (vacation and insurance payments being the big ones) and when I looked at the total of all the budgets, it was more than our take-home pay. So, the budgets I set up were too much, and in the few weeks that I've been tracking, we've exceeded some of those budgets. Can you say oops?

Finding places to cut back is difficult, but it has to be done. There are obvious ones like our proclivity for buying expensive craft beer. Our waistlines don't really need as much as we've been buying! Another is to cut down on take-out. And yet another is to cut back in groceries. I have all of our groceries delivered to our house via an organic delivery service and a dairy  both of which are  expensive because of the convenience factor. Plus, I'm not being choosy about which organic produce we buy based on the dirty dozen. Up until now I've justified organically farmed produce, and as many local meat/grocery purchases as I can find. I buy them because I believe that supporting sustainable farming practices is important for the environment. So it's been easy for me to tell S I will not compromise on the food we eat because of the importance of supporting certain farming techniques. Except, at this point, I think I need to pull back until everything is under control spending-wise. That means making trips to the grocery store instead of the convenience of delivery. Plus an attempt to expand my garden. I have enough space to get a good crop of produce this summer, I just have to spend the time! That's what it comes back to...time and energy....

Both of which seem to be lacking at the moment.

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#MicroblogMondays - Is Pink a Girl Color?

Recently, X came home with three bead necklaces he made at daycare. One for him, one for me and one for S. Mostly, X wears them around, and once in a while makes a big production over "giving" us a necklace he "made for you". In the necklaces are beads every color of the rainbow plus some.

At one point, he walked up to me with his necklaces "Tommy* says that pink is a girl color." I asked X if he likes the color pink.

"Yes".
"Do you think it's a girl color?"
"No"
"Well, then it's just a color and you are allowed to like any color."
"Ok"

I'm not sure he's convinced and it'll be interesting to see how many pink beads or colors come home on future art projects. Now I feel the need to go get this pink flying fairy for my 3.5 year old boy's Easter basket.

*not his real name

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#MicroblogMondays - Budgeting

We've been lucky, S and I, in that we were able to afford two adoptions without going into major debt. In fact, we were feeling pretty good about it and saw it as the silver lining to delaying family building, which then turned into a long and sometimes horrible journey to achieving our goal of having two kids, a dog and a white picket fence. We probably won't get the white picket fence as we are content to have a tiny yard in the city. Goal accomplished.

Except, we didn't do that well during the last round of FMLA time off. S's lack of paycheck for 12 weeks coupled with my 1/2 paycheck for 12 weeks has added up big time. There's debt that seems to be growing every month now.

It's time to get real.

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#MicroblogMonday - Back to Work

Today is my first day in the office after maternity leave. Last week, I started Baby Z in full-time daycare. We did not take X out of daycare during the months of unpaid paternity/maternity leave S and I took, and I think that helped Z's transition. He had already been to the facility so much, and he's such a chill baby that his transition has been seamless. Woot! I went to lots of Jazzercise classes trying to complete our 30 classes in 35 days challenge, and did some part-time telework so that I didn't have to take more leave without pay.

Over the weekend it snowed about 8 inches, got really really cold, and set us up for a hideous commute. For some reason, the main road that goes to our daycare building is never sanded enough. It gets slick, icy, and is a nightmare on snowy mornings. Today was no exception, taking 1 hour for me to travel 3.5 miles. The highway to work, however, was practically dry.

Welcome back.

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#MicroblogMonday - Skiing

It's still Monday! 11:00pm my time, but hey, whatever.

I got sick last week. Again. Last year and this year have not been good for me and sickness. What I think is going to be an annoying head cold turns out to be upper respiratory virus from hell that lands me on the couch for 2 or 3 days then several weeks or months of recovering while a really annoying cough lingers. Hopefully this time it doesn't turn into pneumonia. Whee.

At the end of the week, I was feeling kind of ok, but not really in a go get 'em skiing mood so we decided to take X up with us and I would spend most of my time on the magic carpet tiny bunny hill with him while S skied. It started out a little dicey. X wanted to go in for lunch after less than an hour of skiing and was whiny when it came to his boots. I took him to the mostly empty lodge at 10:30 in search of lunch and let him take off the boots. At lunch we made a deal. He would do at least two more runs before calling it a day. At which point, I was going to have to scramble to find something else to do while S skied. With the boots on a looser setting, he happily told me to go down the hill so he could ski to me several times (more than 2!) until S was ready for a break at 12:30pm. I took off and squeezed in a few easy runs.

We dragged X off the mountain at 2:00pm.

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#MicroblogMonday - Counting Down

I go back to work in 3 weeks. In 2 weeks, we start Baby Z in full-time daycare. How the time has flown by! Everyone I meet asks if I love my time off and staying at home. My answer has been yes and no. It's so much busier this time than when I stayed home with X. I took leave starting at the beginning of December, so it was all about the holidays for a month, then my grandfather passed away and that added busy-ness to the schedule as we hosted my brother's family at our house for a few days and had to deal with all that family stuff. Baby Z is older than X was, so he's more work to take care of (newborns are freakin' easy y'all), and he doesn't nap for long periods of time. So, yes, I love that I was able to take this time off and I have kept X home from daycare a few times to go on playdates or just hang out, but at the end of those days I wonder why I bothered because I'm exhausted from wrangling both of them all day by myself. I found myself frustrated by this a few weeks ago, and wondered when my lazy days were going to show up, and then I realized that they aren't. Once or twice a week, I'll have a day with no plans and can laze around the house in my sweats, but it isn't the norm.

Better get used to that.

In good news, if I so choose and we can do it financially, I could go to part time work and my retirement wouldn't be affected. Hooray for taking forever to have kids!!? I guess it allowed us to sock away a lot of savings for retirement, so that's a silver lining.

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#MicroblogMonday - Goals

Stirrup-Queens

2014 ended with me letting it all go. Over the last two weeks I ate and drank whatever I wanted without really thinking about it. It was liberating in a way, but my body has a way of telling me that enough is enough. I gained a few pounds on top of the 6 I had already put on, and shockingly, the thought of fudge and cookies is no longer enticing. I feel tired and drained from too much junk food.

I don't normally have resolutions, and this year is no different. What I do have are goals. After hitting a high of 38 miles on my road bike last year, I've caught the cycling bug. This year I have two goals; Metric century (62 miles) and a century (100 miles) rides. After multiple conversations around my excitement to push myself and do something that's challenging, S bought me the perfect gift to get started.

Now I feel bad about my gift post because the bike trainer was a fun surprise on Chris.tmas day!