Now that X is 4, we decided it was time to explore the Adoption Heritage Camps. It's been on my radar for a long time thanks to TAFicity, which we found soon after bringing X home. A note about TAFicity, it's been a wonderful resource for us in making connections in the transracial adoption community.
Everytime I talk to someone about Heritage Camps, they are so excited and tell me how much I'm going to love it, how amazing it is to meet other adoptive families and make connections with the larger ethnic community. This was not my experience the first time around as it really was just freaking hectic dealing with both kids and packed schedule.
I was super excited to sign up for the camp, and after filling out the lengthy registration form early in the spring, was eagerly looking forward to the experience. And then this phone call came, "Hi, I just wanted to call because you filled out the registration form for Indian Nepalese Heritage Camp, but you say that your child was born in the United States, are you sure you are in the right camp?" This took me aback, because I wrote X's ethnicity on the form as half Indian, half Latino. The conversation was uncomfortable for me, because it felt like she was trying to force me to go to the Domestic Adoption Camp instead, which I didn't want to do. It left a bad taste, and I was less enthusiastic about going. I have an on-going struggle with feeling like an "other" even within the transracial adoptive community. I don't need more reminders that our situation is unusual compared to other transracial adoptive families.
The schedule of the camp got to us in a big way. It is packed for 2 days with hardly a breather, and the preschoolers don't take a nap. You can get them if you think they need a nap, but unless X is in a room with other preschoolers, he does not nap. He no longer naps at home on weekends, and we knew that pulling him from his activities to try to get him to take a nap was futile. Instead, he was super tired and fussy and tantrumy at night. Also, he barely ate the whole weekend. We would coax him to eat stuff he likes (hot dogs, mac n' cheese), and pretty much resigned ourselves to asking him to take 3 no-thank-you bites. He subsisted on chips, popcorn, animal crackers, z-bars, german chocolate cake and apples. (Parent of the year, obviously)
Thursday:
12:30-3:00: S volunteered to help unpack the moving truck and set up for camp
4:30pm New Families Orientation,
5:30pm BBQ dinner,
7:00pm Opening Ceremony
Friday:
8:45am, drop X off with counselor, find daycare room, schlep pack n play and Baby Z and all his stuff to daycare room, drop him off. These were in two different buildings...
9:30-11:30am: Kid and Adult Workshops
12:00pm: Pick up Baby Z from daycare for lunch (required), meet X at park for lunch
1:00pm: Drop X off with counselor, Drop Baby Z off at daycare
1:15-3:30: Kid and Adult Workshops
4:15: Pick up X, pick up Baby Z
7:00-9:00: Family Fun Night
Saturday:
8:00am: Holi and Rangoli (we didn't make it)
8:45am, drop X off with counselor, schlep pack n play and Baby Z and all his stuff to daycare room, drop him off.
9:30-11:30am: Kid and Adult Workshops
12:00pm: Pick up Baby Z from daycare for lunch (required), meet X at park for lunch
1:00pm: Drop X off with counselor, Drop Baby Z off at daycare
1:15-3:30: Kid and Adult Workshops (I volunteered in the market from 1pm-5pm)
4:15: Pick up X, pick up Baby Z
7:00-?: Bhangra
Sunday
10:30am: Closing Ceremony
It was a lot. a lot a lot a lot...and I ended up wishing we had left Baby Z with grandparents, because having to deal with all his stuff on top of not knowing the layout and ebb and flow of the schedule made it more stressful. We managed to go to the Family Fun night because it was in our lodge, but Baby Z was fussy and screaming and wouldn't go to sleep, so I ended up hanging out in the room while S took X over to the conference room which was supposed to be henna, games and mingling. Well, someone got the bright idea to put on the Jungle Book, and thus sealed our fate. No way was this going to be an hour long, then try to get X to bed on time type of "fun night". He planted himself in front of the tv and that was that. S and I ended up switching off with Baby Z and S was able to get him to sleep. The whole thing was a mess, and I didn't get a turn to get henna, which I really wanted! I had a few nice conversations once I got a glass of wine in me and calmed the f-ck down over the looming sleep disasters, and X was very happy with the movie and popcorn. We weren't able to go to the Bhangra night, which is the big celebration/dancing. We took them for a drive in the afternoon (the only way X would nap), and ate dinner in the hopes that we could at least make an appearance. But, X only wanted to play on the playground and had no desire to see any of his new friends. Instead of fighting him, we figured it wasn't worth it. It's too bad, because that's the night people get dressed in traditional clothing and it's a big party. I even bought an outfit for X to wear. Oh well...
S and I skipped the Friday morning workshops to go for a bike ride. I had a sinus infection all week leading up to the camp and hadn't been able to exercise at all, so I had to try to fit it in during camp. It worked out ok, we got a nice short ride in, and we barely made it to lunch on time. On Friday afternoon, I learned how to make stuffed parantha (fun!) and S went to the heavy subject matter workshops dealing with race issues. In fact, one workshop was dedicated solely to interacting with police. Now, we have several years before that should be an issue, but it seems it's forefront in S's mind.
Saturday morning I went to a workshop led by a professor of religious studies on the history of yoga, and S went to the workshop on how to deal with tweens/teens in the context of race/adoption/basic tween/teen angst. He's way ahead of the curve! The second afternoon workshop we attended was an Adult Adoptee panel, which was made up of the adoptees who were the impetus for starting these types of camps. I love this type of format, as I always want to know what real-life experiences people encounter and how it makes them feel, and how they deal with it.
The market was super cool. I don't know where they get all the merchandise, but all the profits go back to the camp, which is awesome. They get donations of traditional clothing and then sell them at reasonable prices for the Bhangra night. I had a lot of reservations about wearing a sari or kurta or salawar kameez, because I'm not Indian. In fact I was seriously torn over whether this is cultural appropriation or not. During my volunteer stint in the market (which was slow, so I had time to play on my phone), I did some research and ultimately concluded that because in this particular instance, the wearing of traditional clothing is done in respectful and learning manner, that honors our children's heritage, that it's not appropriation. If I wore the traditional clothing in a different context, like out to dinner or for Halloween because I think it's cool, that would be appropriation. S and I still didn't plan on wearing the traditional clothing for Bhangra night, but I bought a kurta for X that he'll never wear. *sigh* oh well, I think of it as a donation. :)
The Indian community is heavily involved in the camp, and most of the workshops were run by Indian-Americans, and they are very supportive of adoptive families. I guess that goes without saying considering it's a camp centered around adoption.
I've been going back and forth on whether we should try the Latin American camp next year to see how it compares, considering that X is biracial, but S is more keen to stay with the Indian Nepalese camp. Partially because we have contact with X's birthmother, so the Indian influence is definitely going to be stronger, and partially because S is more interested in learning about India himself. Plus, we live in a part of the country where the Latin American culture is more prevalent throughout the city, and cultural events are more plentiful. (except that part where we haven't even been to one yet.) I wish we could go to both camps, but they are only 2 weeks apart, with the 4th of July sandwiched in-between, so logistically, it's too difficult, and expensive. I am keeping my fingers crossed that X will make the lottery drawing to go to the language school for Spanish starting in kindergarten and that will help incorporate the other half of his heritage. Otherwise, we really need to start to look hard for activities we can do to get involved.
Some Rangoli pictures:
I feel like triggers is something negative to say, but then again, sometimes, it might be an opportunity for release and reflection.
That's what the documentary "Closure" was for me.
S and I hosted a local transracial adoptive family gathering to see this film, and as luck (irony, the universe????) would have it, I ended up going alone. For the first time, we asked X's first-mom to babysit while we went out, and she had some issues that came up that precluded her from being able to come over.
Starving, because of a raw-food experiment isn't going as awesomely as I had hoped, and running late, I ran into the independent theater, said hi to a couple people then hit the popcorn counter and the bar. Hellooo dinner.
Anyway, it didn't matter that we sat in a group or not, as I (and many others I gather) had a profound and personal experience in watching this film. It tells the story of Angela Tucker, a transracial adoptee raised in a white town in Washington. The focus of the documentary is on her search for her birth family as her adoption was closed. Many of her adoptive family participated closely in the search, as well as her husband Bryan, who filmed and edited the documentary. However, in watching the film and then later listening to her answer questions, I felt this overwhelming realization, that no matter how much support she got from her family, this was a private and intensely personal journey that only she understands.
Her parents were decidedly supportive and literally journeyed with her throughout the process of searching, locating and ultimately meeting her birthfather and birthmother and their families. Her siblings were with her, and some traveled with her to meet her families. Her husband was with her every step of the way, filming, and ultimately turning editorial discretion over to her as they finished editing the film. (as a side note, she mentioned an instance that she vetoed being in the final cut, and I kind of wish she had let that raw emotion show through, because much of the film shows her in a tightly constrained and keyed up frame of mind. The emotion was there bubbling under the surface but it appeared as if she was fighting letting it show.)
Along the way, she discovered some truths that were disconcerting. Her birthfather, while welcoming and gregarious, had his own issues. Her birthmother stated that she "would take the hurt to the grave". I may be paraphrasing a bit, but I want to point out that was the point in the film that I started to lose it. To hear a mother who knew that in the situation she was in, found it necessary to place her child for adoption talk about how much she hurt over that decision was heart wrenching. Interestingly, while the reunion between Angela and her birthfather and family seemed rather jovial, the reunion between Angela and her birthmother and family was far more emotional. It made me wonder about the connection between my 3-year old and C. I had talked about her coming over from the time he got up in the morning to when I picked him up from daycare. When it was clear she wouldn't make it, and we decided I would be the one to go to the movie with S staying home, X lost it. He started crying when I hugged him goodbye, and according to S he cried for a while after I left. This is a kid who hardly notices when we drop him off at daycare and usually isn't up for leaving the playground when we come to pick him up. I have to wonder if there is something to the situation that happened tonight.
Angela's adoptive parents were supportive of her search and that comes forth in the film. While her mom admits to being uneasy at first, she is there every step of the way to support her daughter in her journey. And, presumably to catch her if she should stumble upon unwelcome news. It reminded me of what we are supposed to do as adoptive parents. I am not X's only mom. S is not X's only dad. We have an inherent obligation to take ourselves out of the equation and let him explore those other connections.
My takeaways from the film began with the statement by her birthmother that the pain will always be there. No matter what the situation is, even if a mom is seemingly detached, I strongly believe that there is always grief associated with a placement. It's not the surficial grief that you sometimes read about on blogs or in the media, it is deep and visceral, as if a piece is missing. I am willing to say that most women talking bout placing children for adoption are trying to convince themselves and society-at-large that they did the right thing, when in their heart, it really wasn't. Circumstances dictate whether a mother can parent. Circumstances are fluid, and what was a crisis at the time of placement, often is not a crisis several years post placement. So, circumstantially, it may be the best decision at the moment, but regret and loss follow. Another thing that maybe I'm just sensitive to because of the blogs I've been reading of late, is that the agency didn't do what they should have done post-placement. There was one particular scene that made me cringe. A social worker was talking to Angela's birthmother about how it must feel good that she made the right decision now that she was meeting Angela. To credit her birthmother, she was forthright and candid. She expressed that she was in pain over the decision and had been since the day she placed Angela for adoption. In watching the scene I felt indignation growing on the part of Angela and her birthmother. Instead of keeping letters at the agency, the agency could have found Angela's birthmother and forwarded them. As Angela stated in the Q&A session afterward, the agency and her mother were in the same city all those years. By keeping the correspondence from Angela's family at the agency, they are putting up a roadblock to reunion.
It's taken me a long time to decompress from the documentary, and I imagine it's going to stick with me for a long time. I fought back tears through much of the movie, but eventually let them flow because I couldn't fight them back anymore. I managed to pull myself together enough to ask a coherent question (I think), and I managed to chat with other adoptive families afterwards. When I got home, I walked straight to S and dissolved into the chest heaving sobs that come from deep within. Two and a half hours later, a big thunderstorm has rolled through, I tried to lose myself in mindless tv, and have attempted to numb myself with a couple more drinks. My mind is still reeling, but it's 12:51am. I. Need. To. Go. To. Sleep...
...and so I go.
check it out. This is definitely worth a watch: Closure
If you live in the Denver area and have time to see it on Thursday, May 8th, I encourage you to buy tickets! Tickets can be bought here: http://www.tugg.com/events/8108 Also, the Q&A panel will feature Angela, Bryan, and Lori Holden There will be one more panel member, I think, but I don't know who it is.
I'm going to be lazy and link to Mel's site so that you can peruse this new tv ad by Kay Jewelers. go ahead, I can wait. http://www.stirrup-queens.com/2014/01/kay-jewelers-adoption-advertisment/
dumm...dummdedummm....lalalalaala....ok, you done yet?
At best, this is a lame commercial that tells guys that they aren't doing it right unless they hand their wife/mom-to-be something shiny and sparkly before the baby comes. Full disclosure, I find the idea of a so-called "push present" distasteful. So, yes, there are giant eye rolls from me whenever it's implied or mentioned.
At worst, this is a poorly researched commercial that only serves to reinforce adoption stereotypes when there are so many of us trying to fight against said stereotypes. Let's break it down:
- A white older couple is sitting in a hospital room(adoption agency?), nervously waiting for the arrival of their baby.
- Ok, first of all, I'm quite sure, after reading a myriad of other stories, and having gone through two fairly textbook placements (one successful, one not successful), that the PAP are never just hanging out in a office or room waiting for the baby.
- I will say, that depicting a white older couple is probably accurate. So, a quarter point there Kay Jewelers.
- Why couldn't they take 5-10 seconds to show adoption applications, negative pregnancy tests, a doctor sadly informing the couple that they are infertile? I know that not everyone who adopts is infertile, but acknowledging that there is a journey somehow wouldn't be that hard.
- The caseworker leaves the room to get the baby
- Where is the baby hanging out, in the nursery? Who is taking care of the baby?
- WHERE ARE THE PARENTS? Until the placement takes place, they are still the legal parents. In fact, they are the legal parents until the TPR is signed and goes through the court system. They are the parents even after TPR is signed. They are always there, whether there is contact or not. They are part of the child's life. They are not erased.
- The caseworker returns with a white baby
- Uh, guess those PAPs have been waiting a while. The majority of children placed in a domestic private adoption are not white. That's a fact. It's something that as adoptive parents, we have to work through. We have to face our own racism in order to decide whether we can effectively parent someone of a different race. We stare our own racism square in the face when we tell the agency the percentages of different races we are comfortable with (not even kidding).
- The origins of this baby are not important? Again, WHERE ARE THE PARENTS? Why didn't the commercial depict a placement ceremony? That would have been so much more real and tasteful. There has to be an acknowledgement of all the parents. Adoption is not wresting a baby from one family,placing it in another and washing your hands of the other family. It doesn't work that way.
The biggest problem with this ad is that it implies that the first-parents don't matter, that they don't count. It reinforces the idea that you can take a baby from one family, place it in another family and pretend like the other family never existed. Time and time again, we learn that it doesn't work that way. Multitudes of adult adoptees are sharing their stories from the era of baby snatching and closed adoptions. It didn't work, and it's not how adoption should be approached today. Adoption should be approached with openness, not just toward the child, but toward the child's family, and the child's relationship with their family.
This ad serves to reinforce the notion that there can only be 2 parents in a child's life. In adoption, it's not true, and it's not how it should be.
I would love to look at the marketing director who green-lighted entire team who made this ad, and say these words "I will never shop at Kay Jewelers." (see lesson courtesy of awomanmyage in comments)
(and I thank my lucky stars that when we looked for a gift for C, we did not find it at this particular store)
