The After

This has been a week of funk.  I went to Vegas for a Jazzercise meeting last weekend, which was really fun and informative, but about as laid back as you can get for Vegas! No staying out late, no pina coladas by the pool, no drunken great ideas, no gambling. I'm too tired for that these days, and so was my roommate. In fact, I'd be ok if I didn't go back to visit Vegas like...ever. It made me feel old.

Since I got back I've been feeling....off. I've been staying up too late drinking wine, don't want to do anything responsible and have that want to run away from it all feeling.

I want a vacation with S, no kids.

I knew we were in survival mode once Baby Z was placed with us. It's what happens when kidlet #2 comes along. It's universal. I signed up for a book club that's happening the beginning of May, and here is is April and I couldn't tell you which book we're reading. (maybe I should get on that)

That's how life is these days - one long day of feeling like I can't keep up. But that's not all.

I feel unmoored, directionless. What now? I've spent most of my married life trying to have kids (and that's saying something considering we were married 5 years before we even tried to get pregnant). Now that there's no paperwork, no social workers, no fingerprinting, no saving money for adoption, no decisions on fertility treatments, I don't even know how to feel. Sure I was elated at Baby Z's finalization hearing. It was over. It was all over. S and I toasted several times that day (and went to work with headaches the following day). I couldn't wipe the grin off my face. WE WERE DONE.

But there was something lurking in the background. Probably most telling - I didn't even blog about the day.

That lurker is hitting now, and it's a major letdown. We've done it! We've achieved our goal! We have a family of four! NOW WHAT?

Mixed in with the news of our triumph over infertility, and all the heartache/headache that went into getting to this point is news of tragedy. A distant cousin lost his life to addiction. A co-worker lost his wife to cancer. An on-line friend I've known since my Fertility Friend days is battling stage 4 breast cancer. A friend's acquaintance dropped dead while he was running. S's grandmother had to be moved to a nursing home and it's all a huge mess. This week, I feel like all that's left is the slow decline of health and well-being. I am old enough that my peers are dying. The co-worker's wife was 46 and healthy until she wasn't. My Fertility Friend friend is 44 and had Hodgkins in her 20's. The friend's acquaintance was 32 and no one knows what/why.

Logically, I know S and I have many years ahead of us. There are no major issues in our families. No cancer running rampant, no heart disease, and both of us had stress tests done in our 30's. We both get regular physicals (thanks to the requirements of adoption...) and have many years to look forward to.

But, now that I've fought so hard for my kids, and I mean fought emotionally through infertility diagnosis, through the tough adoption path, through failed matches...I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop. Why am I waiting for a tragedy? Why am I scared?

Why am I depressed?

It's not like I feel like this is the end. In many ways this is a beginning. We can get on with the task of raising children. We look forward to the crazy days of activities and planning around their schedules. S loves getting X out on a bike and riding around.  I can't wait to road trip to National Parks, to show them what I do for work. To take them on tours of dams. To bore the crap out of them...OMG, to take them to the mecca DISNEY. (my parents never took us, so I cannot wait to see it through my kids eyes).

I am ridiculously excited to study the similarities and differences between our two boys since nurture/nature has a special meaning in our family.

So, why is it that right now at this moment, I am feeling so out of sorts and out of touch and scared?

Love/Hate (no really, it's Hate) Relationship with my Reproductive System

I've blogged about this before, but as I'm currently on day #2 of WHAT THE FUCK ARE MY OVARIES DOING??? I feel the need to rant.

You know what I really can't stand about aging? Besides the 75% gray hair (but you can't tell, because I spend a ridiculous amount of money on my hair and nope, that's not getting slashed by the budget crisis), I can't stand that my body has decided that NOW is the time to remind me that my ovaries function just fine thankyouverymuch.

It's never been ovulation that was the problem. There has to be something else going on like my eggs suck or they hate S's sperm.

Anyway, when in the thick of trying and failing to get pregnant, I didn't have super obvious signs of ovulation. I noticed a twinge here and there when an egg was about to pop, and that was about it. There were other signs, but really, I don't need to get into those, if you've been there, you know what I'm talking about and have probably found yourself in the same position in a bathroom at work/home/the mall/a party trying to figure out exactly how fertile am I right now?

Now that I'm 40 and things are um...changing, my body has decided that the best idea EVER is to remind me that I'm ovulating every damn month right on schedule, I tend to be decidedly uncomfortable twice a month. Once for that pesky egg-popping, and one for that pesky lining-shedding, because whoneedsitanyway.

I've also noticed that my cycles are beginning to vary a bit. Now, I'm the regular 28-day'er. Always have been until the last year or so. These days it's more like 26-27, an occasional 25 thrown in just for good measure. And yes, I'm still tracking. I've done it for so long that I can't stop the madness.

I've somewhat adapted to the new cycles, which have this ebb and flow thing to them. Sometimes the mid-cycle pain is un-fucking-believable and I rupture a cyst sending me into agony for a short period of time. Sometimes I hardly notice it. Sometimes the beginning cycle cramps are ho-hum, don't even need ibuprofen, and sometimes I want to punch everyone and everything because it sucks so bad. Sometimes I get gastro-intenstinal issues to go along with the fun and sometimes I don't.

What's so weird, is that I had some really horrific cycles pre-birth control pills. Waking up in the middle of the night sweating, barely able to function the next day kind of pain. Not all the time, just a few memorable times. Then I went on bcps, and everything seemed to go away. Since I've been off of the bcps (9 years now? I lose count), I haven't had the same level of pain with my cycles. So, yay, I guess.

Now, though, it gets more fun occasionally. I'm continuing the weirdness of sometimes it's a meh month and sometimes it's a whatinthefuckinghellisgoingondownthere kind of month. Currently I'm in the latter. Two days of bloating, heaviness, mild cramping all twingy-like in the ovarian area. It's like my body has realized it's old, kicked into high gear and needs to pop all the remaining eggs at once.

Do I really need to be reminded that this part of my body works?

Cycles like these, I really wish there was a way to turn it all off without summoning menopause. 'Cause I would totally do it.

Parks and Recreation

My favorite sitcom of all time came to an end this week and I'm sad. Really sad. I didn't realize how much weight this show held in my life, until I was crying my eyes out for the last half hour of the series finale. Never has a t.v. show (much less a silly funny t.v. show) affected me so much, and I wondered why I had been triggered. Nothing on that show addresses adoption or infertility, so what happened to me that I was reduced to a blubbering mess as I watched the final moments?

S and I watched it together, which hardly ever happens. I like to escape into the tv, getting involved with characters and following shows season after season. S tends to get bored with anything longer than a half hour and is not into dramas. Parks and Recreation was one of the few exceptions. We looked forward to sitting down with our weekly takeout from the Italian restaurant down the alley, a bottle of wine and escaping into a half hour of small town government in the even smaller parks and recreation department. Even when it was a little uneven, we stuck with it because the jokes were so damn funny and the actors always looked like they were having the time of their lives.

I can't even begin to write about how much I loved how zealous Leslie Knope was in her quest to be everything she could be in government and how she took everyone around her along for the ride, swooped up in her wake. Or, how much the show addressed things like women's equality (the last several episodes hammered it pretty well) and racism (Tom Haverford getting arrested early in the show's run just because he was brown and wearing a hoodie). They always seemed to be able to do it by walking up to the line, taking out a glove and smacking the issue in the face then carrying on with the rest of the show.

I find it difficult to put into words how much I looovveee Amy Poehler. She played her character with  an approachability that made me really like Leslie even though she was mostly out of her mind, had too much energy and was way too obsessed with waffles. I can't wait to see what she does next.

Another favorite character was Tom Haverford. He was so over the top ambitious at anything that would bring him fame and fortune that I found myself rooting for him even when he was being a prick to everyone around him. I wanted him to succeed, but also laughed my ass off when he failed, because he did so spectacularly. Plus, Aziz Ansari is one of my favorite comedians.

I'll miss all the nerd references to Star Wars and ridiculous board games that never end, and the lame accountant jokes, all thanks to the character of Ben Wyatt.  Quintessential nerd. I went to school with and work with guys exactly like him. Except they are never as cute as Adam Scott.

Probably my favorite thing about the show is that while they ended up making Andy Dwyer a relatively stand-up guy, he pretty much stayed age 12 throughout the series run. He would sort of get serious about stuff, but always did or said something that reminded us that, yep, he might look like a grown man, but no way was he going to act like one. Putting him and April together was genius, she was so deviously funny and deadpan that I actually believed them together. Honestly, that was a tough sell considering what a doofus Andy continued to be.

All the other characters, Ron, Donna, Jerry/Gary/Larry, Chris, Ann brought their own quirks to the table. I really liked that there was at least one or two voices of reason throughout the run of the show so that it didn't completely run off the rails. Usually that was Ann or Donna, helping to rein in the zanier characters.

The ability to just be zany was another thing about the show that held my attention week after week. Sure, it was kind of about something that could really happen, but they always amped it up with ridiculous scenarios and characters making it a really fun ride.

All that being said, sure, it was a good show, so why was I reduced to a blubbering mess at the end? I shrugged at the end of Seinfeld, and I barely remember the end of Friends. I know that with streaming and DVD/Blu-Ray box sets, I can relive this show over and over again as many times as I want.

So what was different?

I offer you this fact: The show debuted in 2009, when we were going through our first adoption, and it is ending in 2015, the year we are finalizing our second adoption.

I don't often think the Universe works in mysterious ways or for a reason. BUT. Maybe, just maybe, it sent me and S a fun escape for 30 min a week to help us laugh through a rough ride.

Annoying Symptoms that Mean Nothing

I'm 95% sure that I'm not pregnant. Yet, in the back of my mind that 5% is a source of wondering.  It's constant. A niggling annoyance in the back of my head as I go about the day. I keep counting the days. I keep trying to figure out why I have these symptoms. A crappy diet over the holidays that messed up the delicate balance of hormones?  That could easily be the culprit. In fact, it probably is since I went on a "I'm eating to feel good" binge. Read: sugar!!!!! So the acid reflux is back, digestion has been....um off, and certain parts of me hurt like a mofo.  None of it is normal. 

In about a week, I'll know that I'm having trouble recovering from a crappy diet and life will go on for another month. 

Before infertility, I would be excitedly waiting to POAS. I would be dreaming of having a bouncing baby. I would be worried about how my body would react to pregnancy. Now?  Occasionally, I get early pregnancy symptoms, when clearly, I can't get pregnant!  I can't wait for the cycle to be over.  I breathe a sigh of relief when it starts again. 

Seven Years

That's how long we've been trying to build a family.  I know that others have been trying much longer than us, but to me, this is ridiculous.  When we were waiting for Baby X, S went through a period of malaise lamenting that he wouldn't have a child before age 40.  Luckily for him, it happened right before that particular milestone came about.  Now that I'm on the cusp of 40, I'm going through the same thing.  I can't believe that I'm going to be 40 before I have another child.  When I was 32 going on 33 and thinking it seemed like a good time to start a family, I never thought it would take this long.

I'm guessing that's a familiar sentiment among the ALI community.

Ranty

Not the reflective New Year’s post you were expecting?  Click away then, because I’m on a roll.

If it isn’t one thing it’s another, it seems.  In the time since  the failed match, two of my friends had babies (making the total 3 babies born to my friends this year).  Sure I knew they were pregnant and had to endure that news last year, but it totally sucks to watch them chatter away about post-partum bodies, pumping, breastfeeding, and newborn stuff.  They don’t even look to me for advice half the time, just increasing their tight knit bond of sameness while I hang on the outside.  I’ve been through all the newborn to toddler stages and I’m still on the fucking outside.

I have to go through a physical for life insurance.  It will essentially be my third physical of the year (one for the homestudy update and a whole lot of poking and prodding at CCRM).  I can practically  quote my levels by heart.  In addition, I didn’t even register until I was on the phone answering questions that I was going to have to take a walk down infertility-memory-lane and try to detail treatments, drugs taken, and procedures done.  Not to mention what treatments and drugs I took trying to get rid of vulvodynia from 2002 to 2005.  That dredged up some feelings.

 Work is kicking my ass up-down-sideways.  That little stunt that Cong.ress pulled way back in October has made this holiday season way more stressful than I needed it to be.  I was in technical meetings 8-hours a day for 8 days straight right before Christmas that left me exhausted and barely able to function.  As a result, everything at home fell apart.  Being the so-called cruise-director  in the relationship sets me up for failure when I get stretched thin.  S either doesn’t pay attention or doesn’t listen, or more likely isn’t paying attention.  Wires keep getting crossed, I’m stressed, I’m angry, he gets angry, shuts down and the cycle perpetuates.   Meanwhile, I feel like I have two kids.

Did I mention that my cousin, who had the gall to call me out as childless on her FB page is pregnant?  I don’t know what her deal is, but I knew weeks ago when I reposted an article that talked about the fraudulent study that lead to the vaccine/autism connection.  Instead of keeping it to herself, she left the only comment “Thanks for posting this”.  My spidey-sense started to tingle.  I told my mom I was pretty sure she was pregnant, and then a few weeks later got a text from said cousin that said “I hear you might be psychic”.  The only good thing she did was text instead of call so that I didn’t feel obligated to actually talk to her and could fake happiness.  Then I cried in the locker room at Jaz.zercise.

My mother is excited about my cousin’s pregnancy and asked me to help plan a shower for her.  Yet another example of insensitivity from dear mom.  (she knows about the “childless incident” not to mention how I feel about said cousin in general, oh and my now 6 year battle  journey to become a parent of 2)

Baby X is in full-on-toddler-nightmare mode.  I knew it was coming, but I was not prepared.  I don’t know who Love and Logic works for, but right now, it’s not working at all in our house.  When we sing the “uh-oh” song and put him in his room, he comes screaming out.  More than once I’ve wanted to lock his door (haven’t, but damn it’s tempting),  and he can climb a baby gate in 2 seconds flat.  More than once I’ve lost my shit while trying to get him dressed in the morning.  He doesn’t want to wear the pants I choose, and he won’t choose pants, which results in a battle of wills.  I get kicked a lot trying to dress him.  Lately, he’s been having a sleep regression due to his blossoming imagination (scared of the dark, and there are 2 monsters residing in our house).  He’s all cuddles and cuteness at bedtime, brushing his teeth, picking out his pjs, reading books, until we try to leave the room.  An hour of screaming, taking turns putting him back in his room, rocking him, trying to calm him down, putting him back in his room, and he’s finally exhausted enough that he passes out.  Meanwhile, it’s after 8pm, my night has been ruined and I’m cranky.

As I write this I’m realizing that it may be Baby X’s developmental leaps that are the biggest contributor to the stress.  S and I are probably reaching a limit in dealing with these latest behaviors.  There’s nothing like feeling like the worst parent in the world because you can’t get your kid dressed in the morning without yelling at him (after several rounds of “choices”).  Not to mention wondering what the hell happened to the cute little boy who snuggled down for two books then calmly let you tuck him in for the night. 

Right now, the thought of adding another baby is terrifying.

Returning to Normalcy

Contrary to what the last few posts may lead you to believe, I am not curled up in the fetal position day in and day out.  I am not frantically researching how to get my original birth certificate.  I am not demanding information from my mother and causing major upheaval in my family.  I am not shaking my fist at the universe and screaming What the F*ck!  Not as long and as hard as I've done in the past anyway.

Perhaps therapy is working.  The crux of my therapy has been reframing how I perceive myself, and how I think others perceive me.  Being on medication helps keep it even keel too.  If this had happened before I sought help, there would be some serious can't get out of bed-can't function-want to run away happening.  Now, I that the dust has settled, I feel like, hmmm...ok.  Now what?

Now what? 

I don't know exactly, but a realization occurred to me earlier this week when I looked at the calendar and thought, "Oh, we'll be getting an update on our position by the end of next week", like I did for 7 months before the failed match.  I've tweaked our website, added a blog post or two to it, added some stuff on my p-terest board and tried to figure out how a community page on F-B is going to help.   It's starting to feel like we're waiting for a match.  ho-hum.

I haven't looked into getting my original birth certificate yet or said anything to my mom.  I'm letting it settle in.  I don't necessarily feel different now that it's been a little while.  I believe that my bio-dad didn't want to have anything to do with us, and I've buried made peace with that.  At this point, it's partially curiosity of working through a system designed to treat adoptees like they aren't really adults, curiosity piqued by my brother's questions, and fact-finding.  That doesn't sound particularly emotional, but at the same time, I'm not sure I expect to get anything positive emotionally from this search.   Actually, I expect to get negative feedback for the most part, and I need to be ready for it. 

As far as infertility-ville.  I'm setting up permanent residence.  I'm infertile.  We aren't pursuing I.V.F. 

After all the crap that's gone down lately, life is pretty good.  A friend of mine who went through a long journey of secondary infertility said that she thought it helped a ton that she already had a child when going through the crap.  I think she's right, because I don't have the luxury of being down in the dumps for long.  X depends on us to keep it together and to take care of him.  It was a welcome distraction when things got really bad.  We are ectstatic that we got the tax credit (finally!), although we really don't know how to file for it next time since it seems to be a crapshoot.  We were able to ditch the old-school tv and move into the modern world of the flat screen.  A momentus occasion in a household where "if it ain't broke, why get a new one?"  Do you know those old-school tvs will. not. die????  Baby X is in a "what's that" and "what are you doing" phase that's alternatingly cute and maddening.  So, we plug along, hoping that in less than a year, there really will be a new baby in the house.  And then we can deal with sibling rivalry.

Why I Dragged Us Into the Clinic

I wrote all these posts as we went along with the testing. Then we got derailed by the failed placement and it was just recently that we finally got our act together for the regrouping meeting with the doctor. 

Revisiting Treatment

The Consultation Facts

Apparently I Don't Want To Do This

and it's all good

The lack of diagnosis for me is almost crippling.  I do not have the personality to be able to deal with it effectively and it was the driving force for going back.  The other thing my therapist brought up, was whether I just want a baby and any way said baby comes along is fine with me, or do I really just want to march down the adoption road.  As it turns out, the unresolved infertility crap was doing a number on me, and the fact that at the time we started talking about it, our adoption wait was looking like 3+ years and I was pissed.  So, after discussion with S, we decided, hey, if it happens, it happens and started timing cycles again.  I insisted on the testing to get an idea of where we are, and to hopefully get an answer.  The answer is...there is no answer.  The chance that an IVF cycle would be diagnostic is not enough to put us through that emotionally or financially. 

Adoption it is.  The possibilty of making a permanent change so that I forget about cycles forever is dancing around in my mind.  But, I won't address that until after the adoption is successful.

Testing Results - Then and Now

We finally had a meeting with the RE to talk about the results of our testing and here they are.

The testing regimen at C.C.R.M included the following for me:

• Standard are-you-healthy blood work
• Rubella immunity
• Karyotyping
• Cycle day 3 bloodwork
• Cycle day 3 ultrasound and resting follicle count
• Integrin biopsy 7 days after ovulation
• Uterine blood flow measurement (in between menstruation and ovulation)
• Hysteroscopy (in between menstruation and ovulation)

 The testing regimen at C.C.R.M included the following for S:

• Semen analysis with DNA fragmentation
• Karyotyping

 For anyone who cares to read way too much information about how these tests work, then read away!  These are in order of the appointments.

Integrin Biopsy (or Endogrin biopsy?  i've seen both)
The integrin biopsy samples the uterine tissue and tests for a certain protein that helps an embryo stick.  The procedure consists of the doctor shoving a straw up the cervix into the uterus and then pumping the straw back and forth gathering uterine wall cells.  Picture that for a second.

Results - Totally normal.  They did the test at the right time and I have the proteins I need to.  I totally pictured this when I was given the results: 

Cycle Day 3 Tests and Ultrasound with resting follicle count

Then (2008):
Prolactin - 26.7
TSH - 1.02 mIU/ml
FSH - 3.9 mIU/ml
E2 - 43 pg/ml
AMH -  (around 3? Can't find it)

Now (2013):
Prolactin - 11.4
FSH - 8.0 mIU/ml
LH - 6.3 mIU/ml
E2 - 45 pg/ml
AMH - 1.6 ng/ml

Rubella - immune

The ultrasound showed 6 resting follicles on the right side and 12 on the left.

3-D ultrasound with uterine blood flow measurement (CD5)

Except for that part where I had to completely abstain from all forms of caffeine for 3 days, this was no big deal.  Everything looked normal.  Just a little bit of less flow on the right side, so maybe that's why the right side wasn't producing as many follicles.

Hysteroscopy (CD 5)

After freaking out over being prescribed cyt.otec (gee, thanks interwebs for all the gloomy information), that was the least of my worries.  It didn't make me too crampy, and I didn't need much pain medication following the procedure.  Procedure went well, but hurt a lot.  I have a nice clean uterine cavity.

Karyotyping

Both S and I came out genetically normal with no issues between our genes. ($525 a pop and not covered by insurance.  Doesn't feel worth it now.)

SA with DNA fragmentation

S's company changed the insurance coverage and now doesn't cover any infertility related testing.  Jerks.  We chose to skip this test since that's the least of our worries and it would have been $700 with the DNA fragmentation

The Final Word

We spent a bunch of money between co-pays, deductible and the karyotype test to learn jack squat.

I look pretty good for a 39 year old and it was recommended that if we pursue treatment that we do I.V.F. with genetic testing.  We were given a 60-75% chance of a live birth assuming that I have some genetically normal eggs.

Over the course of the testing, we had 3-4 timed cycles using opks and not a damn thing happened. I ditched the opks when I got really stressed out over the tracking and have also thrown rhythm method out the window.  Nothing has happened and it's been 5 months. 

We started TTC 7 years ago and I have never been pregnant.  There was one suspected chemical pregnancy and two times my acupuncturist was convinced I was pregnant, but AF showed up right on time.  There may be something in my uterus that prevents implantation, or maybe most of my eggs are abnormal.  These things we won't know unless we do an I.V.F. cycle, and there may not be answers even if we throw money at a cycle.  During our first visit with the R.E. I asked about the rhythm method since I had been keeping track and quasi-preventing that way.  She said that it doesn't work as well as you think it might.  Those little swimmers sure can hang out for a long time, so even though I was "preventing", it's been so long that I probably would have gotten pregnant at some point.

This wasn't the answer I wanted or needed.  S doesn't want to do a cycle, I waffle, but ultimately don't want to spend that much money on something that might not work.  Not to mention that just going through the testing again took a toll on my emotional health.  I can't even picture having to go to the bathroom in the middle of a work day to give myself shots, to have several appointments close together that take hours and then to have the ultimate stress-filled two week wait after transfer.  Every time I think about the process I'm hit with a wave of claustrophobia and panic.  It's the same as it was several years ago before we started the adoption process.

After our appointment, I picked up Baby X at day care and took him home.  He played in the back yard for a while and I sat outside mulling over our unsatisfying results and everything that has transpired this summer.  An overwhelming sadness and emptiness came over me as I watched Baby X happily running around.  My arms ached for the weight of another baby. 

This year fucking sucks.

And It's All Good

The procedures went well, I just had to spend the morning calling the doctor's office, getting new prescriptions called in and taking a double dose of the cyt.otec (generic was fine after all) so that it worked in the 2-hour window I had before the hysteros.copy.  After the pharmacist's gloom and doom "This is for cervical ripenening (ew, really, we're going to use that term?) and it's not going to be fun", the cyto.tec, as it turns out, didn't do a whole lot to make me uncomfortable.  Not even to the level of period cramps, which for me are pretty bad.  The actual procedure on the other hand sucked worse than an HSG (or maybe as bad, but the HSG didn't make me yelp as I recall...it was a long time ago now).  The ultrasound, blood flow measurement was no biggie.  Of course.

That giant cup of coffee I got immediately following my appointment was some sweet sweet nectar of the gods.

Apparently, I Don't Want to Do This

This cycle, I dutifully  scheduled a hys.teroscopy and uterine blood flow measurement with 3-D ultrasound.  It's the last of my testing and I've been avoiding it because of one really great reason.

I have to abstain from all forms of caffeine (including decaf) for 72 hours (for the blood flow doppler).  It's a good thing that I don't have anything to do this weekend because it's been spent feeling zombie-like with a massive headache that ibuprofen sort of takes care of but not really.

I also have to take cyt.otec and shove it where the sun don't shine because my cervix is so tight that the good doctor doesn't want to attempt the hyste.roscopy without softening it up first.  (I'll file that bit of information under things I never wanted to know).

The problem I ran into this weekend however, will determine whether the hyster.oscopy will happen this cycle or not.  Since I had scheduled it and canceled it two days later a couple of cycles ago, I thought I had the prescriptions for the cytotec and the antibiotic in my possession.  Making the appointment on Friday, I found out that the only times they could do were the following Monday or Tuesday.  I figured no big deal, and scheduled it for Monday so that I could immediately suck down a quadruple-shot americano and vibrate my way to work in caffeinated bliss following the procedures.  Cut to Saturday when I brought in my cy.totec prescription and can't find the antibiotic prescription anywhere in my house.  The good doc checked the "do not substitute" box on the cyt.otec and big fat surprise, no pharmacy carries the brand name.  I checked with all of them.  In addition, I found out that if the brand name is needed, it only comes in bottles of 100 and I only need 1 tablet to shove up my lady parts...um...tonight. 

At 8am tomorrow, I'll be phoning the office, explaining the situation and we'll see what happens.  Meanwhile, my head hurts and all I want to do is sleep.

Something I Want To Post on F-B, But I'll Write Here Instead

Knowing that my F-B friends by and large think that my grief and pain over infertility is "fixed" by having a baby, I think I won't bother them with this status update:

"A Reproductive Endrocrinologist told me that after 5 years of not preventing, a pregnancy should have happened by now.  Given that I've gone through three medicated IUI cycles and year and half of intensive acupunture, plus temping and timing, I'm going to go ahead and state that adopting a baby did not make me fertile."

I sit here with mittleschmerz (love that word even though the actual event sucks ass) on my right side indicating that my cycle is right on time (CD14) I am textbook if there ever was a textbook cycle.

Oh, and yeah, I'm angry with the general public and their misconceptions and perceptions of infertility and adoption.  I'm angry with my inner circle and their misconceptions and perceptions of infertility and adoption.  I want to scream and shout and make them understand that everything they think about infertility and adoption is f***king wrong.

Well, in 7'ish days I'll be starting my testing.  At this point, I want to get the tests done, have the follow-up visit to learn what's going and then walk away.  I kind of want to walk away now, but the fact that I actually followed through with the consultation makes me think I need to power through the next few weeks before closing the door for good.

The Consultation Facts

 S was already there waiting for me.  They took my i.d. and insurance card then whisked us off. 

I got weighed (not happy with their scale....).  Blood pressure taken (higher than usual, gee, I wonder why).  Then, we sat down in a little room and waited for the doctor.

Thank G-d she was warm and friendly!  She asked how long we had been married and about our first adoption.  She asked if we are planning or looking into adoption again. I admitted that we are currently waiting, and are revisiting options at this point. 

She went over all our previous records, pointing out some things that had not been tested on S's end.  Whether that was an oversight, or this office does overkill, it's recommended that he be tested again including DNA fragmentation plus something else I already forgot. 

She went over my hormone level tests, HSG and laparascopy from 4 years ago.  All normal, but there's that little bit of endo.  She asked how long I've been off bcps, whether there was any preventing during our first adoption wait.

We looked at our 3 IUI cycles.  One Cl.omid, two Fem.ara.  My ovaries responded well, S was ridiculously stellar (although the previous doc only did a simple wash rather than a gradient wash).  All three ended in betas of zero, or my cycle starting over.

Previous attempts discussed, she launched into what "could" be going on at this point.  Here's what I heard...blahblahblahblah "genetic abnormality", blahblahblahblahblah, "genetic abnormality", blahblahblahblah, IVF with genetic testing, blahblahblahblah, 1/100 chance of genetic disease, up from 1/800 when I was 34. 

What she really said...If my hormone levels and AMH are still within normal levels, it's probably a 61% chance of live birth (I'm guessing that's not one cycle, probably more than one cycle...forgot to ask that question).  There are several different ways to deal with S if there's some issue that has been previously undetected.  And there was a whole lot more, I have a bunch of notes, but the upshot (which I already knew) is IVF.  Because of my age, it's IVF with genetic testing. 

S asked about the bottom line cost of the procedure after joking about being a typical guy and asking about money.  It's a ton of money. 

A few days later to process and really think about what we heard is leaving me exhausted.  A few months ago when this subject came up in Therapists office, I thought "yeah, why not just TTC for a little while to see if anything happens?  Why not get a second opinion from one of the best in the country?"  Today, I'm thinking it sucks to schedule day 3 blood draws, to schedule a blood draw 7-10 days after ovulation, and to schedule a date with The Wand.

 As I sit here and write this post, in my gut I don't want to do this.  I'm not even sure I want the tests to clarify where we are (after all, they may clarify, or they may muddy the waters and come back with awesome results again). 

S is most definitely against an IVF cycle.  He understands I'm frustrated by the lack of answers, but he isn't willing to go down the rabbit hole of treatment again.  He's fine if the next adoption takes 3 years.  Perhaps it's because he's hit the 40 mark and I'm staring it down.  This year has been difficult for me as I see the wrinkles forming on my face, the copious amounts of gray hair that I cover, and the difficulty in trying to lose a few pounds compared to five years ago.  I feel old.  I don't want to feel older when the next baby comes along.  S went through a similar phase right before he turned 40, and I couldn't understand why he was out of sorts.  I guess I know.

I have a few weeks and a therapy appointment before I have to decide whether to start the testing (auspicious scheduling of the consult on CD6!) on the next cycle.

The Consultation Emotion

I drove to the same building

Walked into the same door

Got on the same elevator and...

Pushed a different floor

A lump formed in my throat

When the elevator doors opened, taking the first step off was painful.  Feeling like a deer in headlights, I looked around for the suite number and forced one foot in front of the other..

Down the hall, into the offices of C.C.R.M, one floor above my previous R.E.'s office.

What the hell am I doing?

Revisiting Treatments

Remember this post?  Well, things keep getting weirder in my world.

I wasn't going to talk about this until we had our appointment, but I'm feeling the need to rant write.  We have a consult with C-C-R-M soon.  We are going down the T-T-C road again and not sure if it's right or wrong.  It's all so confusing with so many people around me giving birth and the fact that I still can't bring myself to go to a baby shower or talk with my brother about the impending birth of his daughter without getting supremely annoyed.

Along with all the emotional stuff, I would really like to know what's wrong with me.  Now that I know better, I've decided that consulting with one of the best clinics in the country is probably the   I'm 38, I'm not expecting much, but I want to know what my chances are so that we can make an informed decision once again.  The difference from the decision we made to end treatments a few years ago is that the emotions aren't as high anymore.  We made that decision when I was so deep into depression that I could barely function.  I hated life and I was so angry that all I had been hearing was that all my tests looked great and there was no reason why I shouldn't be pregnant.  No reason that is, except that I didn't get pregnant.  This time, depression symptoms are under control, I can think clearly and objectively.

S is not so much into this path, especially after looking at the S-A-R-T data in my age group.  It's different for men, and that has been clear here.  He went through the grieving of a biological child, wrapped it up in his brain, and moved on.  While he's as frustrated as I am that building our family is much more difficult than the traditional route, he's made peace, and he looks forward.  He tells me often that my hindsight vision is way better than 20/20 and he wishes it wasn't that way.  Now, I'm second guessing the decision to stop treatments when we did.  Therapist keeps reminding me that at the time we made the decision, I wasn't in an emotional place to move forward, and that's ok.  But, it doesn't feel ok, when your biological clock is a ticking time bomb.  Based on my age, I've officially fallen off the fertility cliff and maybe all I need is to hear that from one of the best doctors so that I can finally put it all to bed.  I don't even know how I feel about moving forward with I-V-F.  There's the cost.  There's the drugs.  There's the injections.  There's the hijacking of my system.  There's the chance I'll have poor response.  There's the chance I'll have ridiculously good response. There's the chance that it'll work on the first round.  There's the chance we'll have to make a decision about leftover embryos.  There's the chance that it won't work on multiple rounds.  Am I ready for that?

Forget the medical stuff, am I ready to hear "I knew you'd get pregnant after adopting!"????

Secondary Infertility? Really?

Not really, since I'm still just plain old primarily infertile, but Therapist seems to think that emotionally I'm going through secondary infertility.  Most of this is probably brought on by two facts:

1) Our adoption wait is excessively long unless we are either able to come up with double the money planned, or our website is so kick-ass amazing that we are matched through it.

2)  I NEVER got a diagnosis.  All I ever heard from the RE and my acupuncturist was how normal my cycles and levels were and how great S's counts were.  Now, how did that translate to infertility?

Remember this post?  One doth protest too much, I fear.

We're going in for a consult with a different RE.  I have already been informally timing cycles for a couple months and have been devastated when AF arrived right on time.  OPKs are in my future.

A few things are different this time around in that my depression symptoms are under control (and were wildly out of control by the time we got to treatment-land the first time, then it just got worse), and we aren't in that desperate to have a baby mode.  Yes, we have a baby and we have an amazing baby, but our family isn't complete.  Maybe I shouldn't be slamming the door on TTC so quickly.  Maybe I should get over all my protestations about not wanting to be that family:  the one where the miracle pregnancy occurs because we adopted (such a goddamn fallacy it drives me beserk). 

If I do get pregnant, it's not because we adopted.  It's because I got my butt to a therapist and discovered I was way more out of wack than I thought.  It's because the mind-body connection is healed (that's what I'm going to go with considering that physically it's all fine, or was fine 5 years ago).  It's also because we tried, and we pulled out all the old gear and went for it.  One thing's for sure, Baby X isn't going to cause my uterus to suddenly wake up and do what it's supposed to.  That's quite a lot to ask out of a 20 month old!

I still don't know how I feel about having a biological child now that I'm enmeshed in adoption, but there are plenty of families who make their way every day in a similar make-up. 

Besides, who knows if it'll work.  Maybe my chances are hideous and maybe things aren't looking so great at the ripe old age of 38.  But I have to know.  I have to try while the door is still cracked.  I just want to have another baby, and honestly, how that baby comes to be whether through birth or adoption is fast becoming irrelevant. Both paths are the means to an end. We'll see which comes first.

The shoulda, woulda, coulda game pretty much sucks.   But, Therapist brought up a great point.  I was not ready to be aggressive in treatment when we were in treatment.  Why?  Well, see #2.  Why would I put myself through IUI after IUI if it didn't work the first couple of times considering I had no apparent reason why pregnancy wasn't happening?  Besides, I had an RE tell me that I would probably get pregnant on timed cycles, on our own.  They're the experts right? 

This side-TTC journey does not take away from the journey we took to become a family and the choices that we made to jump into the world of transracial adoption.  For my personal journey, I  need the data on my fertility and I need to try to figure out the problem one last time. 

I'm an engineer after all.



p.s.  S is not so much on-board with this side-journey.  Given that his way of getting over our infertility is to think how lucky he is not to have to go through all the scary things that could happen in a pregnancy, it's quite a change to be back in the mental state of actually trying to get me pregnant.  The way  he thinks, you'd think we didn't have modern medicine in the good old U S of A.   

She's Direct, Bless Her Heart

At dinner with a friend:

Her:  "Doesn't getting a baby fix it?"

Me:  "That's a lot to ask of a little baby"

So, basically, we had an hour long conversation in which I tried to explain why getting a baby doesn't "fix" infertility.

Pretty sure she didn't get it, given that all she sees is how amazing my husband is, how cute my baby is, and shouldn't that take care of it?

Follow-Up to the Very Unscientific Poll

Getting right into the answers I got from my short poll:

Question 1:  During your infertility journey if you were or are sharing info do you get support from family and friends?

As was expected, the results are all over the place.  Some people didn’t really share the infertility journey, and others were either avoiding the question altogether, or spewing information left and right (that would be me).  I think the common thread through most responses is that others just don’t get it or couldn’t relate, or something along those lines.  My experience definitely falls into that category of “people not getting it”.  But that’s old news, right?  Unless you’ve been there, saying things like “relax and go on vacation” just seems like a joke, right?

Question 2:  During an adoption journey do or did you get support in the form of “Hey, how are things going, any updates?” variety?

Of the responses from people who have started or completed an adoption journey, most felt like they got support, but maybe not what they were expecting.  At least that’s what I read into most of the answers.  In many cases, again, it seems to be a case of people not understanding or thinking about what they are asking.  In fact, I think that for the most part, the “support” people think they are providing to a prospective adoptive parent is really fishing for information.  Everyone seems to want to know about potential birthparents (how young they are, what drugs they take, etc) more than how the waiting adoptive parents are holding up under the wait.  I personally started feeling like a broken record when answering the same questions over and over to the same people.  Hardly questions about how difficult the process is, although those did come up and were validating, but the more negative ones stick in my head.  Of course, that’s my personality so my perception is probably skewed.

Question 3:  Do your family and or friends continue to comment on how lucky your child is to have parents like you?

Again, this is one more for adoptive parents.  One respondent even makes the point that she’s never heard anyone say a kid is lucky to be in his birth family.  The fact that we adopted was not out of any magnanimous gesture, but merely borne out of wanting to have a family.  Most adoptive parents I meet say the same thing.  However, no matter how many times we follow-up a “lucky comment”, my parents keep saying it.  It’s irritating to say the least.  “Lucky” is fast becoming my least favorite word.

I take that back, one respondent who didn’t adopt gets this all the time because her child has some difficulties at this point in his life.  So, it’s more of a response to the “other”.  The “not perceived as normal” type of family, I’m thinking.  Whether it is developmental disabilities, permanent disabilities, adoption, etc…maybe this is just what people say when they can’t think for two seconds to come up with a more appropriate statement.  (like not saying anything at all)

Question 4:  Did you attempt to educate your family only to have them not respond? Like giving them a book to read which they never wanted to discuss...

I was surprised a little bit by the responses to this question.  Then again, I’m a nerdy engineer with all the nerdy engineer qualities, and so educating is the name of the game for me.  We attempted a lot of education for people around us.  I ranted on F-B a couple of times on an infertility soapbox.  That didn’t go over so well.  When S and I told his parents we were having trouble getting pregnant, his dad’s response was that he was just happy we wanted to have kids.  *WHAT?!*   We also gave our parents a short book on adoption when we were going through the process.  Supposedly they read it, but didn’t ever talk about it even when we wanted to engage them in conversation.  Basically, it’s been a whole lot of deafening silence and I feel like I shout into the nothingness.  Some friends are better, and this journey definitely has shown us who our friends truly are.  We’ve lost some along the way, but forged stronger bonds with others who were quietly or vocally supportive and just let us be.  Most of the time, all we want is to be listened to, without someone offering “advice”. 
Anyway, it seems that others tend to not try to shove education down others' throats like I’m prone to do.  :)

I alluded to the therapist’s couch as being the prompt for the poll.  I'll admit, I'm obsessing over one thing that happened during that session.

She asked if we were getting support from people regarding our second adoption.  My reply, was "sure, from my friends, but our families don't ask about it".  The response I had started from a place of "meh, my parents don't get it, S's parents don't get it, we've resigned ourselves to that".  She, on the other hand has a different take.  One where we ask for support.  One where we tell them that we like it when they ask how's it going?  You know, how you would ask a pregnant woman and her partner.
But, I'm not pregnant and who knows when we're going to be matched?  We've been through this before, we tried to educate our immediate families and the only people it took with was a couple of our siblings, not our parents.  So, it was easy to write it off as a generational thing.

Therapist appears to think it's not a generational thing.  In fact, her response to my "meh" response was "What's the big deal?  It's not like adoption is such a radical idea.  Why wouldn't they be supportive? I thought they were as supportive as they could be.  She seems to think they aren't, or probably more correctly, she senses that I want more from them.  I’ve felt sorely disappointed by the reactions of both sets of parents.  We see them all the time, we talk to them all the time, they knew everything about our journey, yet the well-meaning platitudes just kept on coming and I found it infuriating.  At one point, my mother tried to equate not knowing your exact pregnancy due date with waiting for a match.  Now that Baby X is here, it’s better, but us announcing that we are adopting for the second time was met with much less fanfare.  Maybe the second pregnancy is too, but this was annoying.  Coupled with the fact that the process sucks only slightly less the second time around, and we are both grieving again, I just want someone to act like it’s so cool that we are adding to our family.  

Happily, since I started this post, my mom did ask for an update unprompted and stated how excited they are for us to have another baby.  I had started to think that all she cared about was my brother's imminent baby.

Yay Responses!

I love getting responses through my blog.  I meant to process and write my own post like a week ago but life got in the way.  Coming soon when I have time to give it my undivided attention.  I was feeling like my family (both families really) were giving less than stellar support on our second adoption (brought up by feelings of how the first went) when I wrote the questions and chose to go with questions instead of a rant.

Since then several things have occurred:
1.  I took my first trip of the year and it totally screwed me up as every "first trip" usually does because I'm not in the groove.

2.  I realized I can't attend a baby shower coming up soon for a close friend of mine because this second adoption wait sucks about as much as the first one.  Except for the distraction of Baby X of course.  It helps, but I find myself emotionally in the same place as last time.

3.  Unless the website/FB page etc etc work, we're looking at a solid 3 year wait. Holy hell.

4.  Perhaps I'm not entirely over infertility, being unexplained and all.  This has come up more than once in therapy and the suggestion that perhaps we should consider getting some answers and maybe even TTC.  Yeah, that deserves it's own post for sure.

5.  Tantrums.  'Nuff said.

Later...

A Quick Poll About Support

Typing on my phone so sorry for all grammar errors in advance.

After my therapy visit today I have some questions for all in the ALI community.

1. During your infertility journey if you were or are sharing info do you get support from family and friends?

2. During an adoption journey do or did you get support in the form of "hey how are things going, any updates?" variety?

3. Do your family and or friends continue to comment on how lucky your child is to have parents like you?

4. Did you attempt to educate your family only to have them not respond? Like giving them a book to read which they never wanted to discuss...

Longer post coming regarding this subject. Eventually!