Returning to Normalcy

Contrary to what the last few posts may lead you to believe, I am not curled up in the fetal position day in and day out.  I am not frantically researching how to get my original birth certificate.  I am not demanding information from my mother and causing major upheaval in my family.  I am not shaking my fist at the universe and screaming What the F*ck!  Not as long and as hard as I've done in the past anyway.

Perhaps therapy is working.  The crux of my therapy has been reframing how I perceive myself, and how I think others perceive me.  Being on medication helps keep it even keel too.  If this had happened before I sought help, there would be some serious can't get out of bed-can't function-want to run away happening.  Now, I that the dust has settled, I feel like, hmmm...ok.  Now what?

Now what? 

I don't know exactly, but a realization occurred to me earlier this week when I looked at the calendar and thought, "Oh, we'll be getting an update on our position by the end of next week", like I did for 7 months before the failed match.  I've tweaked our website, added a blog post or two to it, added some stuff on my p-terest board and tried to figure out how a community page on F-B is going to help.   It's starting to feel like we're waiting for a match.  ho-hum.

I haven't looked into getting my original birth certificate yet or said anything to my mom.  I'm letting it settle in.  I don't necessarily feel different now that it's been a little while.  I believe that my bio-dad didn't want to have anything to do with us, and I've buried made peace with that.  At this point, it's partially curiosity of working through a system designed to treat adoptees like they aren't really adults, curiosity piqued by my brother's questions, and fact-finding.  That doesn't sound particularly emotional, but at the same time, I'm not sure I expect to get anything positive emotionally from this search.   Actually, I expect to get negative feedback for the most part, and I need to be ready for it. 

As far as infertility-ville.  I'm setting up permanent residence.  I'm infertile.  We aren't pursuing I.V.F. 

After all the crap that's gone down lately, life is pretty good.  A friend of mine who went through a long journey of secondary infertility said that she thought it helped a ton that she already had a child when going through the crap.  I think she's right, because I don't have the luxury of being down in the dumps for long.  X depends on us to keep it together and to take care of him.  It was a welcome distraction when things got really bad.  We are ectstatic that we got the tax credit (finally!), although we really don't know how to file for it next time since it seems to be a crapshoot.  We were able to ditch the old-school tv and move into the modern world of the flat screen.  A momentus occasion in a household where "if it ain't broke, why get a new one?"  Do you know those old-school tvs will. not. die????  Baby X is in a "what's that" and "what are you doing" phase that's alternatingly cute and maddening.  So, we plug along, hoping that in less than a year, there really will be a new baby in the house.  And then we can deal with sibling rivalry.