Typing on my phone so sorry for all grammar errors in advance.
After my therapy visit today I have some questions for all in the ALI community.
1. During your infertility journey if you were or are sharing info do you get support from family and friends?
2. During an adoption journey do or did you get support in the form of "hey how are things going, any updates?" variety?
3. Do your family and or friends continue to comment on how lucky your child is to have parents like you?
4. Did you attempt to educate your family only to have them not respond? Like giving them a book to read which they never wanted to discuss...
Longer post coming regarding this subject. Eventually!
Great questions! Here are my answers...
ReplyDelete1) My friends and family knew very little about our infertility in the beginning. I think only my parents knew what was going on and my best friend. I didn't get a ton of support from them, because it was so new to their experience. Towards the end of our IF journey, I learned from one of my cousins that she had gone through IF, and I got a lot of support from her. I honestly don't think that my parents ever really *got* it.
2) From a few people, mostly people were afraid to ask. I got more comments about other people's fears about what kind of child we'd adopt (drug addicted, mentally challenged).
3) YES! And I hate it.
4) Yes. Especially my parents and Bro. I gave them some articles to read about how to be sensitive to adoption situations...they never read it.
I'm curious about your next post!!
1. I only told a select few and all were pretty supportive.
ReplyDelete2. Yes.
3. Since we didn't adopt we have never received these comments.
4. My family had already experienced transracial adoption, so didn't need educating, but DH's family is another story. I'm not sure they'd ever get it. Books or not.
1) I did share and I got various levels of support. Some didn't get it, some gave the whole 'just relax' crap-spiel. The worst was my brother and sister-in-law. My SIL told me that 2 years was normal because she read it in a college text book. She didn't know it at the time, but she was already preggo. I guess she had a thing or two to learn that wasn't in the text book. My relationship with them is not very good due to this lack of understanding and them thinking that me going infertility made them not able to feel happy about there baby. Yeah, they think that they got the short end of the stick... Ugh, I will stop here, long story.
Delete2) We didn't end up going the adoption route, but for my friends who have, I try to drop them a line once in a while (we live across the country from each other so we don't see them often) to see how it is going. They are in a rough spot trying to adopt their second from S. Korea (same as their first) but have been waiting for a referral for over 2 years now due to all of the changes in S. Korean adoption to foreigners. My heart aches for them often. I hope that they appreciate my asking about it - is that the case for you? I want them to know that I am thinking of them and haven't forgotten them in their journey.
3) Since we didn't go the adoption route, this is a no for us.
4) Umm, I tried with some but not with others. Most *tried* to understand, even if they didn't. Like the well-meaning yet still hurtful comments kind of thing. Most of the time, when crap was said, I was just so shocked and hurt that I couldn't respond in the moment. Then, in most cases, I felt that too much time had passed and the best place to voice my thoughts was when it happened, so it was all OBE anyway.
Thanks for writing. I really like reading your blog. Adoption still might be in our future and I have been very interested, especially in your recent posts about your mixed feelings on certain parts of the process and on some more common aspects present in adoption. As another 'engineer' couple going through infertility, I can certainly relate.
Suzanne
1) I did share and I got various levels of support. Some didn't get it, some gave the whole 'just relax' crap-spiel. The worst was my brother and sister-in-law. My SIL told me that 2 years was normal because she read it in a college text book. She didn't know it at the time, but she was already preggo. I guess she had a thing or two to learn that wasn't in the text book. My relationship with them is not very good due to this lack of understanding and them thinking that me going infertility made them not able to feel happy about there baby. Yeah, they think that they got the short end of the stick... Ugh, I will stop here, long story.
Delete2) We didn't end up going the adoption route, but for my friends who have, I try to drop them a line once in a while (we live across the country from each other so we don't see them often) to see how it is going. They are in a rough spot trying to adopt their second from S. Korea (same as their first) but have been waiting for a referral for over 2 years now due to all of the changes in S. Korean adoption to foreigners. My heart aches for them often. I hope that they appreciate my asking about it - is that the case for you? I want them to know that I am thinking of them and haven't forgotten them in their journey.
3) Since we didn't go the adoption route, this is a no for us.
4) Umm, I tried with some but not with others. Most *tried* to understand, even if they didn't. Like the well-meaning yet still hurtful comments kind of thing. Most of the time, when crap was said, I was just so shocked and hurt that I couldn't respond in the moment. Then, in most cases, I felt that too much time had passed and the best place to voice my thoughts was when it happened, so it was all OBE anyway.
Thanks for writing. I really like reading your blog. Adoption still might be in our future and I have been very interested, especially in your recent posts about your mixed feelings on certain parts of the process and on some more common aspects present in adoption. As another 'engineer' couple going through infertility, I can certainly relate.
Suzanne
1. I've told family and most are supportive.
ReplyDelete2. working on the adoption journey now and yes family is always asking for updates.
1. Family had no clue even though I was keeping my mom posted. They just couldn't relate. I didn't share with my brother because, well, he's my brother. We've never been close. I ended up joining a local support group. I did share with a cousin who I found out had some trouble with secondary IF.
ReplyDelete2. We went the foster route so most of the family was really excited with the first placement. After the 3rd placement they stopped asking. They were afraid they'd hurt our feelings if they asked questions that were hard to answer. I think they were protecting themselves and didn't want to get attached until everything was final.
3. Yes. And it's funny, because I've never heard a birth child as being so lucky to be with their parents.
4. No, I didn't bother. I know they wouldn't read a book, website, etc. on IF or adoption. I would correct on occasion but leave it at that. Since it primarilly affects me, I did all of the research and knew the risks each step of the way. I knew how many homestudy meetings I needed, I had control over the process as much as I could. My mom had to just sit back and watch me go through it which is probably harder as she wasn't as involved in the process and the unknown is so scary.
1. Yes. Funny enough, my blog is more for my IRL friends and family than any other group. What I felt I couldn't share on my blog because it's open to a much larger group of friends via Facebook, I either shared on a private blog or over the phone/email (I don't live near any family or friends because my husband is in the military and we move every 18-24 months).
ReplyDelete2. Yes. Everyone has been more than encouraging and supportive, asking questions, wanting to know how things were progressing if I hadn't updated recently, etc.
3. YES!! And they all love our two kiddos as much as we do. They tell us how lucky we are and how lucky our kids are, and even how lucky they are to be apart of our story. I have not had a single negative or rude comment made ever about adoption or birth mothers or us or our kids. In fact, because we have adopted, one of my best friends is now moving to adopt, as well, even though they have no infertility issues.
4. You know, I never even thought to tell anyone to read about adoption. But I'm sure if I did, at least my family and close friends would just because I asked them. And when I told everyone about how we should say Zoe and Isaac were placed for adoption, rather than given up, almost everyone has made a real effort to change their vocabulary. My MIL is Filipina and has some trouble with English and now and then she forgets, but I remind her gently and she really tries. She is also the only one to make any comment about how she could never place a baby, and while I understand and appreciate her perspective, I had to ask her not to talk like that in front of Zoe especially because she is old enough to start understanding here and there and the last thing I want her to feel is that she was unwanted by anyone, because that isn't the case at all. Those are the only two issues we've really had and I think there are some cultural barriers that we're working to overcome that are complicating things a little.
1. My family was pushing for us to have kids before we ever got married. They were afraid to ask why we weren't having kids for a long time. My mom did a lot of pushing for many years. I didn't feel comfortable talking about it until we had made a decision on what we were going to do.
ReplyDelete2. From Everyone. They thought it should have happened a lot faster than it happened, and everyone was always really negative about the timing thing.
3. All the time - especially since it was an out of country adoption. Usually it is me correcting them about how I am lucky to have our little girl in our life.
4. I didn't try to educate family about much except the overall process. They didn't have time to be involved any more than that.
1. My parents and sister were supportive (though it was particularly hard b/c my sister was pregnant during the hardest time period for me). Friends were supportive at first but never brought it up again and were uncomfortable when I did.
ReplyDelete2. Direct family but not others.
3. We get that from random people more than from people we know well.
4. We gave my family a book about international adoption that they never read, but they all became interested in Congo's history which was nice.
1. Yes, thought different amounts from different people.
ReplyDelete2. N/A
3. No, but I think statements like that are particularly aimed at people parenting after adoption.
4. There were people like that (and yes, we gave them a book), but there were others who jumped right into trying to understand.
1. During your infertility journey if you were or are sharing info do you get support from family and friends?
ReplyDeleteI shared actual bits with my parents the most. I was wary of sharing it with others, and depending on the response/ cluelessness, made my answers vague. I was just saving myself the headaches caused by stupid advice of which I had no dearth.
2. During an adoption journey do or did you get support in the form of "hey how are things going, any updates?" variety?
I did not adopt.
3. Do your family and or friends continue to comment on how lucky your child is to have parents like you?
My ALI mates have made the best comments of that kind. I have been told I am a good mother.
4. Did you attempt to educate your family only to have them not respond? Like giving them a book to read which they never wanted to discuss...
My parents are doctors, and they understood the medical part all too well. But my mother has told me that she understood the mental and emotional chagrin only when she saw the IF play out so close to her. I tried to 'educate' not just family, but also friends, and people who would bother to inquire. One couple actively sought my help recently, because the woman wanted to speak to someone who had been through it all. She seems to have adopted a few things from what I shared, but she did not take it all.
1) My mother was as supportive as she could be, as was my SIL. The rest of my family (including inlaws), not so much. It wasn't that they really said anything negative (except my sister) to my face, but more that they didn't say anything positive.
ReplyDelete2) We are not adopting, so this one is not applicable to me.
3) Oh my hell, constantly. So constantly that it is quite likely driving me batty. Constant comments about what a wonderful mother I am (HA!) and how lucky our son is. Constant comments about "it doesn't matter if he ever talks/if he can hear/if he X, he's still perfect and I love him anyways"...because that's totally a worry of mine, you know. Strangers telling me that my son is adorable and we're good parents? Doesn't bother me in the slightest. I know that they are likely being totally honest (why bother to stop by a table in a restaurant just to lie?) and having that noticed is nice. I can't always trust my family.
4) I did try. My MIL rarely listened to me when I told her things or tried to explain how reproduction worked and how some of her behaviors were harming our chances to have the grandbaby she so desperately wanted. My sister, even though she knew I had chronic pain (which she very likely thought was just me being a drama queen), even though she had troubles of her own conceiving (although she never went through treatments), to this day said one of most hurtful things I've heard regarding my ability to get pregnant. (After a day of me telling my husband to stop touching me because it hurt (the pain was relatively new), she said to me "God, Jen, no wonder you can't get pregnant if he can't even touch you!") My mom...well, I wrote an essay for an English class and my topic was infertility. It was 14 pages long! She read it and THEN she understood a little better. The rest of the family...I just didn't try. It was important to me that my mom support me, everyone else be damned.
1) My mother was as supportive as she could be, as was my SIL. The rest of my family (including inlaws), not so much. It wasn't that they really said anything negative (except my sister) to my face, but more that they didn't say anything positive.
ReplyDelete2) We are not adopting, so this one is not applicable to me.
3) Oh my hell, constantly. So constantly that it is quite likely driving me batty. Constant comments about what a wonderful mother I am (HA!) and how lucky our son is. Constant comments about "it doesn't matter if he ever talks/if he can hear/if he X, he's still perfect and I love him anyways"...because that's totally a worry of mine, you know. Strangers telling me that my son is adorable and we're good parents? Doesn't bother me in the slightest. I know that they are likely being totally honest (why bother to stop by a table in a restaurant just to lie?) and having that noticed is nice. I can't always trust my family.
4) I did try. My MIL rarely listened to me when I told her things or tried to explain how reproduction worked and how some of her behaviors were harming our chances to have the grandbaby she so desperately wanted. My sister, even though she knew I had chronic pain (which she very likely thought was just me being a drama queen), even though she had troubles of her own conceiving (although she never went through treatments), to this day said one of most hurtful things I've heard regarding my ability to get pregnant. (After a day of me telling my husband to stop touching me because it hurt (the pain was relatively new), she said to me "God, Jen, no wonder you can't get pregnant if he can't even touch you!") My mom...well, I wrote an essay for an English class and my topic was infertility. It was 14 pages long! She read it and THEN she understood a little better. The rest of the family...I just didn't try. It was important to me that my mom support me, everyone else be damned.
(sorry if this posts twice - WP is being a pain for me today)
1. Family and friends tried to be supportive but support was "just relax," not talking about it, or my favorite - my mom making it all about her.
ReplyDelete2. I'll answer this from the surrogacy point of view since there was a long process & legal stuff involved: our immediate families asked, but we provided updates more often then we were asked for them.
3. No
4. We educated them about the process, and I remember I sent my mom a website with diagrams, but they didn't seek out information.
Yes, we shared our adoption journey with our family and friends and they were very supportive. We were involved in a adoption scam situion and moved on to IF. We did not share when we started infertility stuff because my husband is infertile and we had to use donor swimmers. We were unsucessful so it was a moot point and returned to adoption. When we finally brought our daughter home everyone was SO happy for us. One of the family secrets is a relative who placed a child for adoptioin when she was in college and another who has had multiple abortions so everyone was VERY HAPPY for us.
ReplyDelete1)My family didn't really know too much of my infertility journey. My friends knew a bit more but nobody could really relate. They either had kids or didn't want them. Everybody pretty much kept making sad faces and then added platitudes.
ReplyDelete2) During the adoption process,people seem pretty relieved and happy about it and was constantly asked for updates. More platitudes. Then I said quit asking for updates, if there's something to know, I'll let you know.
3) No, did not attempt this. Tried with my in-laws a bit because they are the only family close by, but no one read books but me, including my husband. Though he was forced to be educated through the mandatory online courses. What would have been helpful was to talk to other adoptive parents but our supposed support at our adoption agency was non existent. The waiting was the worst part.
3)
1. I got a ton of support from everyone I told. I had people suggesting all sorts of things, giving me hope, telling me their stories, etc.
ReplyDelete2. n/a
3. No. lol Probably because we're not the best of parents, but we do what we can. :-) At least our kids love us.
4. No. I never had anyone read anything because I didn't need to. My mother had been through infertility, so she totally got it. My mother-in-law had had several miscarriages in between two of her kids, so she got it. My sister-in-law was suffering with infertility at the same time as I was, so she definitely got it. I was quite lucky