I don't often go two weeks or more without posting, but at this time I don't have much to say. On Mother's Day I turned 40. There were no placements in April so we're stalled out on the adoption front. My workload is light (partly in anticipation of me going on leave) and that has been hellish as I arrive every day, sit down and wonder what the hell I'm going to do today. Then, because I'm so light, and can't even seem to concentrate on the few tasks I have to do. It's a weird conundrum I find myself in when this happens. Any time I don't have enough to do, I lose it productivity-wise, and when I'm drowning in work I'm frustrated that I can't put enough time in to do as thorough a job as I want. blah.
As far as turning 40. Well, what the hell ever.
We've now reached our one year anniversary of our failed placement with Baby A. Oh screw it, we named him Axton. I loved that name and now we can't use it. At this time last year we had met D and were waiting for him to arrive. Enduring another failed placement in March and no movement in the pool in April has made me completely shut down. More than once I've brought up dropping out and giving up on having another baby. S isn't ready to do that, so we wait and dread the next phone call. I'm currently existing in this really weird place of cursing the end of the day when we haven't gotten a phone call and fatalistically thinking it's never going to happen. We are supposed to be nesting and getting everything ready for the day that the magical phone call comes, but I can't bring myself to bother. The attic I said I was going to organize is just as bad or worse as it was in February. Sure, we have all the stuff for baby, but all that stuff needs to be washed and organized after being stored in bins for so long. Nope. Not doing it. Don't care.
:( Sending many fast-forward-to-the-happy-ending vibes. Happy belated birthday too.
ReplyDeleteThinking of you. Let me know if you're ever up for a marg!
ReplyDeleteOh Geochick, I'm sorry life has been so damn hard and full of sad reminders lately. The waiting and uncertainty is so horrid. :(
ReplyDeleteI don't have much to say, but I know exactly how you feel. (((HUGS)))
ReplyDeleteHang in there.
ReplyDeleteThere is something so sad about not having a channel to grieve failed placements. It's like everyone around us expects us to pick ourselves up and pretend that the hopes, dreams, love that we feel for this expected child just didn't matter. But they do. Yes, they do. I'm grieving the loss of Axton for your family with you. The loss of this child to your family is very real and please know that there are those of us out here who understand this.
Hugs a million times over.
Blah. I'm sorry you are having a rough time. I turned 40 in October. I wasn't very happy about it either. :-/ I wish more people could understand your grief, but I think Northern Star is right. There really isn't a place for that kind of grief. People understand losing a biological child or a pregnancy, but most don't even know the basics of adoption let alone the grief that can be a part of it.
ReplyDeleteHugs and hang in there.
A failed placement is not something (cause you had a child in your arms) that you can just forget.so it's no wonder you're feeling down and at loose ends. You need something to look forward to. Something on the go. I'm like that too. When the days feel like an endless cycle of rinse, repeat, its gets tired real quick. You guys need a family vacation.
ReplyDeleteHow opportune you suggest a family vacation! I just brought up with S that if we get past X's b-day party coming up with no match that we need to get the hell out of town for a few days. Totally on my wavelength. :)
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