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This transition from adoptive-mom-in-waiting to adoptive-mom has been a little difficult. Ok, a lot difficult. I don't know what to blog about half the time, and the other half I'm really busy trying to keep up with life and work.
Anyway, Dawn at Creating a Family has a post up, that I know has been talked about in the ALI community from time to time. In the middle of writing my comment, I was struck by a thought:
And, you have to wonder sometimes, if in trying to straddle the line, you aren’t really moving on, but giving yourself an excuse to wallow in misery.
Lately, I've been contemplating some therapy, based on how I've reacted to some things that have occurred. I think transitions are really difficult, no matter how happy they are, and I think I'm having trouble transitioning in life. All my "big moments" are over. I graduated from college twice, got married, got the house, struggled through infertility, then got the baby, and now...it's just life.... I'm jealous of the people who's weddings I attend, they're so happy and looking forward and have so much attention lavished on them for a day (or three days in the case of my brother's wedding). It's hard to admit, because it makes me look so damn selfish, but I like the attention and the pomp and circumstance. Anyway, I've felt quite bitchy at every major event we've attended and found it difficult to have fun.
So, between the IRL transition and struggling to not turn into an angry old bat, and the online transition to quasi-mommy-blogger, I wonder if in trying to keep a foot in the ALI community comiserating with others that have struggled, if I'm just letting myself wallow.
How do you deal with the transitions?
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Arguing. S and I have differing opinions on this one. Recently we were filling out our SAFE questionnaires for our second adoption (and I was cursing my shortsightedness in not making copies of the first ones) and got to the question about how often you and your spouse argue. I can't remember what the responses were, but I consulted S on the matter (I don't think you're supposed to, but what the hell, I'm irritated I have to fill this out again). Anyway, he chose an answer that was less often than my answer. That led to a discussion about what an argument is. S thinks we hardly argue. I think we have little arguments almost weekly, usually when Baby X is thrashing about on the changing table and one of us is trying to pin him down while the other aims eyedrops and hopes to hit an eye (pinkeye, fun times). I have a short temper and usually end up snapping at S and he snaps back. To me, that's a disagreement and counts as arguing. To him, that's just snapping and my problem because I have a temper. As for real arguments where there's an actual fight that goes on and on, they are few and far between. Typically we discuss difficult things, plus S is pretty passive and internalizes a lot. It's hard to have a knock down drag out fight with someone who doesn't want to.
I think we're having an argument about arguing.
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The weird family dynamics continue. Has anyone else gotten mad (I mean really ticked, don't want to see them right now) at their parents once they started finding out what different parenting styles do to kids? Related to that, has anyone else started seriously freaking out that they are most definitely turning into their mother? I'm fighting against being my parents in raising Baby X.
They were drill sergeants, constantly on me to do well in school, punishing me when I didn't, threatening to take away ballet when I got a bad grade (turned out to be an empty threat, but I was appropriately scared), wouldn't talk about the fact that we are a blended family (hello, two of my brothers totally don't look like me!), yelled at me for wanting to talk about it, and generally made me feel like I was never good enough. I rebelled by going off to college and making less than a 3.0 by the time I graduated. Yeah, I know, total rebel. But seriously, who get's a master's degree in engineering, (this is 6 years after graduating college), and then endures for several more years "Well, you could have gotten a Ph.D if you wanted to." I didn't want to! I had a pretty happy childhood all things considered, and I'm well aware I'm focusing on all the negatives right now. But that's where I am.
I'm sick of my mom telling me to "be careful" of what I say to one of my brothers because "he's going through some stuff and we don't want to set him off". Fuck, seriously? I hardly talk to the guy, as we've never gotten along. I'm sick of going over to their house and having her jump and scream because X got close to the stairs. Not tumbled down them, not even close enough to swing a leg over to start going down. Overreact much? I'm sick of her being a busybody as I'm trying new foods and he spits them out, and suggesting five different things I could feed him. I'm sick of them acting like X is the smartest, cutest, fastest baby like ever. I realize grandparents are proud of grandbabies, but it even bugs S. (An indicator that it's way over the top.)
So, yeah, as I've gotten older, I've started working through all this bullshit and as it turns out I'm 38 and acting like a 20 year old. God that's embarrassing. I probably need therapy. I just don't know how to find a decent one. I've never had great luck connecting with therapists.
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You know how people whine and moan about others only posting stuff on FB about their kids. I found out why people do that. Ok, maybe not "people", but why I do that. No one gives a shit about what I'm doing! I get so many more hits on a picture or description of Baby X than any accomplishment, travel, or whatever else I may be doing with my life. So there.
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Arguing. S and I have differing opinions on this one. Recently we were filling out our SAFE questionnaires for our second adoption (and I was cursing my shortsightedness in not making copies of the first ones) and got to the question about how often you and your spouse argue. I can't remember what the responses were, but I consulted S on the matter (I don't think you're supposed to, but what the hell, I'm irritated I have to fill this out again). Anyway, he chose an answer that was less often than my answer. That led to a discussion about what an argument is. S thinks we hardly argue. I think we have little arguments almost weekly, usually when Baby X is thrashing about on the changing table and one of us is trying to pin him down while the other aims eyedrops and hopes to hit an eye (pinkeye, fun times). I have a short temper and usually end up snapping at S and he snaps back. To me, that's a disagreement and counts as arguing. To him, that's just snapping and my problem because I have a temper. As for real arguments where there's an actual fight that goes on and on, they are few and far between. Typically we discuss difficult things, plus S is pretty passive and internalizes a lot. It's hard to have a knock down drag out fight with someone who doesn't want to.
I think we're having an argument about arguing.
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The weird family dynamics continue. Has anyone else gotten mad (I mean really ticked, don't want to see them right now) at their parents once they started finding out what different parenting styles do to kids? Related to that, has anyone else started seriously freaking out that they are most definitely turning into their mother? I'm fighting against being my parents in raising Baby X.
They were drill sergeants, constantly on me to do well in school, punishing me when I didn't, threatening to take away ballet when I got a bad grade (turned out to be an empty threat, but I was appropriately scared), wouldn't talk about the fact that we are a blended family (hello, two of my brothers totally don't look like me!), yelled at me for wanting to talk about it, and generally made me feel like I was never good enough. I rebelled by going off to college and making less than a 3.0 by the time I graduated. Yeah, I know, total rebel. But seriously, who get's a master's degree in engineering, (this is 6 years after graduating college), and then endures for several more years "Well, you could have gotten a Ph.D if you wanted to." I didn't want to! I had a pretty happy childhood all things considered, and I'm well aware I'm focusing on all the negatives right now. But that's where I am.
I'm sick of my mom telling me to "be careful" of what I say to one of my brothers because "he's going through some stuff and we don't want to set him off". Fuck, seriously? I hardly talk to the guy, as we've never gotten along. I'm sick of going over to their house and having her jump and scream because X got close to the stairs. Not tumbled down them, not even close enough to swing a leg over to start going down. Overreact much? I'm sick of her being a busybody as I'm trying new foods and he spits them out, and suggesting five different things I could feed him. I'm sick of them acting like X is the smartest, cutest, fastest baby like ever. I realize grandparents are proud of grandbabies, but it even bugs S. (An indicator that it's way over the top.)
So, yeah, as I've gotten older, I've started working through all this bullshit and as it turns out I'm 38 and acting like a 20 year old. God that's embarrassing. I probably need therapy. I just don't know how to find a decent one. I've never had great luck connecting with therapists.
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You know how people whine and moan about others only posting stuff on FB about their kids. I found out why people do that. Ok, maybe not "people", but why I do that. No one gives a shit about what I'm doing! I get so many more hits on a picture or description of Baby X than any accomplishment, travel, or whatever else I may be doing with my life. So there.
I can identify with this post a lot as an adoptive mom now, the transition is just... weird. As far as therapists, I am one, and I promise we're not all bad. I would suggest checking out the website on PsychologyToday.com or checking to see if you could find one through Resolve.org, they have lists on there of local peeps.
ReplyDeleteAlso, just wanted to let you know I have new digs to blog about adoptive parenting. Email me if you are interested. jesstutt (at) gmail (dot) com
I am seriously in love with this post!!! And much of it I could have written myself.
ReplyDeleteTransitions are tricky, and I have a hard time navigating them too. Generally, I handle the tricky bits with a lot of crying, gnashing of teeth, and ranting on my blog...but then things settle down and I feel a bit more human.
I agree that seeing other people going through those big moments is hard. Recently, at my SIL's wedding, I felt a lot of jealousy that she is just starting out on her journey...there's so much to discover (although she's 40 and has been married before). But, I think we have big moments left, but they are embodied in our children. I can't wait to see how I feel when Cadet says "ma ma" for the first time...or graduates from high school...or comes home upset over a girl. Those are big moments that I get to experience through him.
I think I'm rambling at this point and not making much sense, but I say again, I love this post!!!
Did my earlier comment go through? If not, what I tried to say was that I am amazed how much "stuff" from my childhood comes up in parenting! Therapy is a great thing, go for it, and if ou don't like the first therapist keep looking. Good luck and hang in there!
ReplyDeleteTransitions are so tricky. I keep thinking we are done transitioning, and then I realize we are right back there in transition mode. They say it takes more than a year. Who knows?! You must be enjoying things overall since you are starting the paperwork for #2! Wonderful! So glad you are happy. XO
ReplyDeleteYou know, this post is really, really interesting to me. I'm 39 and I feel almost like a rebellious teenager these days, which is bizarre because I wasn't one. I'm argumentative and contrarian and there are some days when I just want to sleep in and turn off the responsibility for just one moment. I miss the big milestones too, and feel like all I do is celebrate other's milestones. Then I feel guilty because I'm so lucky to have what I have.
ReplyDeleteCongrats on starting the process for #2! I'm so happy for you and your family.
ReplyDeleteI also wanted to comment on the argument thing. Doc and I never used to argue, but with the baby, we've both become a lot less patient with one another. I tend to discount our little spats of annoyance and only count the bigger, what I consider "real" arguments. Those little spats, though, are usually the tinder that fuels the larger arguments, so I definitely see your point.
You sound a lot like me! Obviously I'm not in your shoes yet but I can definitely see being right there at some point. I hear you about the FB thing (and I'm one of those people who complains about all the baby stuff). I never thought about it that way.
ReplyDeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
DeleteDuckii,
DeleteI still get annoyed sometimes by all the baby stuff. I've basically relegated FB to a once-a-month'ish log-on to see if I missed anything major. I did once, a friend's engagement, but then realized he isn't much of a friend if S and I didn't even warrant an e-mail or phone call!
Holy shit. I feel like I'm reading something I could have written word for word. We adopted our daughter around the same time you adopted Baby X. I am trying desperately not to act like my mom. And I am so sick of her telling me how to do and not do things. And the attention thing, yes, right there with you. I'll be 38 in a week so yes, pretty much in the same boat, almost 38 year old acting like a 20 year old.
ReplyDelete