The After

This has been a week of funk.  I went to Vegas for a Jazzercise meeting last weekend, which was really fun and informative, but about as laid back as you can get for Vegas! No staying out late, no pina coladas by the pool, no drunken great ideas, no gambling. I'm too tired for that these days, and so was my roommate. In fact, I'd be ok if I didn't go back to visit Vegas like...ever. It made me feel old.

Since I got back I've been feeling....off. I've been staying up too late drinking wine, don't want to do anything responsible and have that want to run away from it all feeling.

I want a vacation with S, no kids.

I knew we were in survival mode once Baby Z was placed with us. It's what happens when kidlet #2 comes along. It's universal. I signed up for a book club that's happening the beginning of May, and here is is April and I couldn't tell you which book we're reading. (maybe I should get on that)

That's how life is these days - one long day of feeling like I can't keep up. But that's not all.

I feel unmoored, directionless. What now? I've spent most of my married life trying to have kids (and that's saying something considering we were married 5 years before we even tried to get pregnant). Now that there's no paperwork, no social workers, no fingerprinting, no saving money for adoption, no decisions on fertility treatments, I don't even know how to feel. Sure I was elated at Baby Z's finalization hearing. It was over. It was all over. S and I toasted several times that day (and went to work with headaches the following day). I couldn't wipe the grin off my face. WE WERE DONE.

But there was something lurking in the background. Probably most telling - I didn't even blog about the day.

That lurker is hitting now, and it's a major letdown. We've done it! We've achieved our goal! We have a family of four! NOW WHAT?

Mixed in with the news of our triumph over infertility, and all the heartache/headache that went into getting to this point is news of tragedy. A distant cousin lost his life to addiction. A co-worker lost his wife to cancer. An on-line friend I've known since my Fertility Friend days is battling stage 4 breast cancer. A friend's acquaintance dropped dead while he was running. S's grandmother had to be moved to a nursing home and it's all a huge mess. This week, I feel like all that's left is the slow decline of health and well-being. I am old enough that my peers are dying. The co-worker's wife was 46 and healthy until she wasn't. My Fertility Friend friend is 44 and had Hodgkins in her 20's. The friend's acquaintance was 32 and no one knows what/why.

Logically, I know S and I have many years ahead of us. There are no major issues in our families. No cancer running rampant, no heart disease, and both of us had stress tests done in our 30's. We both get regular physicals (thanks to the requirements of adoption...) and have many years to look forward to.

But, now that I've fought so hard for my kids, and I mean fought emotionally through infertility diagnosis, through the tough adoption path, through failed matches...I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop. Why am I waiting for a tragedy? Why am I scared?

Why am I depressed?

It's not like I feel like this is the end. In many ways this is a beginning. We can get on with the task of raising children. We look forward to the crazy days of activities and planning around their schedules. S loves getting X out on a bike and riding around.  I can't wait to road trip to National Parks, to show them what I do for work. To take them on tours of dams. To bore the crap out of them...OMG, to take them to the mecca DISNEY. (my parents never took us, so I cannot wait to see it through my kids eyes).

I am ridiculously excited to study the similarities and differences between our two boys since nurture/nature has a special meaning in our family.

So, why is it that right now at this moment, I am feeling so out of sorts and out of touch and scared?