Let's File This One Under

Stupid sh*t people say.

To me:  Did you ever have an hour long ultrasound when you were....oh, oh sorry. 

Me:  Were you going to say when I was pregnant?

To me:  Yes, sorry, I don't know why I asked. 

My mother, ladies and gentlemen.

Ranty

Not the reflective New Year’s post you were expecting?  Click away then, because I’m on a roll.

If it isn’t one thing it’s another, it seems.  In the time since  the failed match, two of my friends had babies (making the total 3 babies born to my friends this year).  Sure I knew they were pregnant and had to endure that news last year, but it totally sucks to watch them chatter away about post-partum bodies, pumping, breastfeeding, and newborn stuff.  They don’t even look to me for advice half the time, just increasing their tight knit bond of sameness while I hang on the outside.  I’ve been through all the newborn to toddler stages and I’m still on the fucking outside.

I have to go through a physical for life insurance.  It will essentially be my third physical of the year (one for the homestudy update and a whole lot of poking and prodding at CCRM).  I can practically  quote my levels by heart.  In addition, I didn’t even register until I was on the phone answering questions that I was going to have to take a walk down infertility-memory-lane and try to detail treatments, drugs taken, and procedures done.  Not to mention what treatments and drugs I took trying to get rid of vulvodynia from 2002 to 2005.  That dredged up some feelings.

 Work is kicking my ass up-down-sideways.  That little stunt that Cong.ress pulled way back in October has made this holiday season way more stressful than I needed it to be.  I was in technical meetings 8-hours a day for 8 days straight right before Christmas that left me exhausted and barely able to function.  As a result, everything at home fell apart.  Being the so-called cruise-director  in the relationship sets me up for failure when I get stretched thin.  S either doesn’t pay attention or doesn’t listen, or more likely isn’t paying attention.  Wires keep getting crossed, I’m stressed, I’m angry, he gets angry, shuts down and the cycle perpetuates.   Meanwhile, I feel like I have two kids.

Did I mention that my cousin, who had the gall to call me out as childless on her FB page is pregnant?  I don’t know what her deal is, but I knew weeks ago when I reposted an article that talked about the fraudulent study that lead to the vaccine/autism connection.  Instead of keeping it to herself, she left the only comment “Thanks for posting this”.  My spidey-sense started to tingle.  I told my mom I was pretty sure she was pregnant, and then a few weeks later got a text from said cousin that said “I hear you might be psychic”.  The only good thing she did was text instead of call so that I didn’t feel obligated to actually talk to her and could fake happiness.  Then I cried in the locker room at Jaz.zercise.

My mother is excited about my cousin’s pregnancy and asked me to help plan a shower for her.  Yet another example of insensitivity from dear mom.  (she knows about the “childless incident” not to mention how I feel about said cousin in general, oh and my now 6 year battle  journey to become a parent of 2)

Baby X is in full-on-toddler-nightmare mode.  I knew it was coming, but I was not prepared.  I don’t know who Love and Logic works for, but right now, it’s not working at all in our house.  When we sing the “uh-oh” song and put him in his room, he comes screaming out.  More than once I’ve wanted to lock his door (haven’t, but damn it’s tempting),  and he can climb a baby gate in 2 seconds flat.  More than once I’ve lost my shit while trying to get him dressed in the morning.  He doesn’t want to wear the pants I choose, and he won’t choose pants, which results in a battle of wills.  I get kicked a lot trying to dress him.  Lately, he’s been having a sleep regression due to his blossoming imagination (scared of the dark, and there are 2 monsters residing in our house).  He’s all cuddles and cuteness at bedtime, brushing his teeth, picking out his pjs, reading books, until we try to leave the room.  An hour of screaming, taking turns putting him back in his room, rocking him, trying to calm him down, putting him back in his room, and he’s finally exhausted enough that he passes out.  Meanwhile, it’s after 8pm, my night has been ruined and I’m cranky.

As I write this I’m realizing that it may be Baby X’s developmental leaps that are the biggest contributor to the stress.  S and I are probably reaching a limit in dealing with these latest behaviors.  There’s nothing like feeling like the worst parent in the world because you can’t get your kid dressed in the morning without yelling at him (after several rounds of “choices”).  Not to mention wondering what the hell happened to the cute little boy who snuggled down for two books then calmly let you tuck him in for the night. 

Right now, the thought of adding another baby is terrifying.

You should do this!

That's something that shouldn't be said to an adoptive mom when referring to adoptive breast feeding.

Why ?

A) it was brought up in our adoptive parent training and many adoption books mention it. If you have never heard of it, then chances are you are blessedly fertile.  Oh, and what do you think the term wet-nurse refers to?

B)  it's assuming that an adoptive  mom would naturally want to breast feed despite the fact that her reproductive organs have failed time and again. 

C)  sure, some adoptive moms do it, but like breast feeding a child you carried, it's an intensely personal journey that works for some and not for others. 

D)  how do you know that the person you are passing this amazing news onto hasn't already tried and failed?

E) do you know the crazy shit you have to go through to force your body to lactate?  Oh right, probably not because you didn't have to do it. 

E). Me?  It was never something I wanted to do. 

So, thank you for your well meaning, yet totally out of line referral to a lactation specialist. I'll keep the information in case I come across a fellow adoptive mom who wants to go for it. 

Visceral

As I sit here shaking with rage and feeling like throwing up, I’m reminded that social media is full of minefields.  One of which I stumbled onto this morning.
See, I have an aunt who is a super-right wing “Chri.stian”, although I don’t consider her views “Chri.stian” in the slightest.  She has spent most of the time that I’ve known her trying to “save” the rest of us (apparently, the Chris.tian Orth.odox religion doesn’t make the cut in her world and we're all heretics).  I won’t friend her on F-B and generally don’t interact with her unless forced to. 

I also have a cousin who is in social work and who does a lot of advocacy for the L.G.B.T community. 

They are friends on a certain social media site and apparently like to engage each other.

I went to my cousin’s page to see what she had posted about the fall of D.O.M.A  (Hooray!) and stumbled upon something that shook me to my core.  My aunt, in response to my cousin’s post about the ruling, posted some drivel by some old white dude about the fact that marriage is defined in the Bi.ble, and it’s between a man and a woman to multiply, blah blah blah blah.  My cousin, then replied, does that mean that yours and Geochick’s marriages are invalid?  My aunt replied that there are countless examples of childless couples in the Bi.ble and some other drivel about the natural order of things and how childless couples fit in because we are here on the Earth to provide support for others and to be friends to kids and blah blah blah, or something. 

I AM NOT CHILDLESS

I have a child.  I am that child’s mother. 

The fact that my cousin even thought to bring me into this stupid discussion, makes me sick.  The fact that the validity of my marriage is being called into question on a public site by my family members makes me sick.  The fact that they are both insinuating that my son is not really my son by their discussion makes me sick. 

I want to respond to both of them, but as S put it, "You can't wade into sh*t and expect to come out smelling like a rose".  So, I sit shaking, sick to my stomach, wondering how I'm going to keep from lashing out at both of them when we see them for a wedding.  Which happens to be soon.

This is more difficult to shake off than it normally would be, because at this moment I am mired in grief.  I’ve been wading through days kind of numb.  I’ve had nightmares.  I have to face a family vacation that now feels like it’s not complete.   No one from my extended family has reached out to me.  They have reached out to my mother.  They have all talked to her.  Not a peep to me.  My family (and it turns out S’s family) is a textbook case in triangulation for all life events that are difficult.  Do you have any idea what it’s like to hear your mom say that she and your mother-in-law cried on the phone together because they feel so bad for you, yet you don’t even get a hug from either one of them?   Or to hear that all your aunts talked to your mom about your situation and how horrible it is?  Nary an e-mail, card, or phone call to me.  The one who is going through hell.

well i tried

I always find it frustrating when I write what I think is an interesting and important post, even doing research and taking time to flesh it out.....then....crickets.....

Oh well.  I'm in a funk today due to a fight I'm having with my mom.  It's amazing really, how she immediately assume I did something "bad" and gets herself completely bent out of shape, demanding through texts that I tell her whether or not I did something because she is so upset by the thought that I may have.  Given that this "something" that I may  or may not have done is something so asinine, so high-school, so sociopathic, that I can't even believe that she thinks I might have done it.

I think I know when not to engage someone on F-B.  But, I reserve the right to get annoyed at a family member for hi-jacking a post about my new niece with her own declaration that she guesses she's up to bat next.  Last night S made two observations about how things have been going with my parents over the last year (not so great).  First, something seems to kind of blow up with them when we want them to babysit.  Second, my mother can't let me have an opinion that is different from hers.  She thought the comment was funny.  S and I thought it was dumb.  She can't let me think it's dumb, she has to jump to the other family member's defense like she's her daughter, not me. 

It's unbelievable.  So, there you have it, my mother constantly is afraid of me being out in the world and acting like a "bad kid".  Ironically, I spent my entire childhood trying to be perfect, yet, apparently I never quite succeeded if this shit is still happening.

Have I mentioned that I'm 38?  At 38, should I be screamed at by my father because I've been testy with my mother?  At 38, should I get incessant texts from my mother demanding that I prove to her that I did not in fact, slander someone on F-B?

I can't even describe the head space I'm in right now.  Defeated.  Confused.  Angry.  I don't want to see my parents.  Given that two major incidents have occurred in the space of a year, I'm wondering if I should be taking a giant step back.

When other Adoptive Parents are Morons

Specifically, a person with whom I work.  He stopped by my cube to congratulate me.  Which is fine, until he asked "Where did you get it?"  It? IT?  Ironically, that wasn't what ticked me off.
It was this...he went on to say that he and his wife adopted but couldn't adopt domestically because teenage mothers wouldn't choose parents over 40, so they had to go foreign.  *picking my jaw up off the floor*
I suppose I can chalk it up to yet another socially awkward engineer.  But that's giving him an excuse.  What I really want to know is how can you adopt and be so insensitive to the whole situation?

Danger! Danger! Hazardous Conditions Ahead... *edited*

I wish I had a big blinking red sign in front of my face before I posted a note on F-B tonight.

I posted a slightly edited version of this post .  Why?  Because I can't fucking believe I am still getting the "adopt and you'll get pregnant" bullshit from people around me.  People who know me.  People whom I've shut down more than once on the subject.  In other words, not the average acquaintance.

Apparently a friend of ours was super offended by my post.  She wrote this comment.  "I agree Geo-chick.  I mean, how dare people wish good things for you, even if they are merely misinformed?  Of course there is no other way to view these statements than as put downs."

I deleted her comment from my wall.  I don't want to leave it up there partially because it has the potential to start some back and forth with other F-B friends.


I don't know what's going on with her and her husband right now.  A couple weeks ago, I invited them over to our house for dinner and they accepted.  We're trying to keep in touch, albeit in a different way (no more Friday happy hours), but it's definitely one-sided.  They haven't asked us, the ones with the baby over to their house, we had to cook dinner for them.  Whatever.

*Let the fun continue 8/18*

We're having a belated b-day party for S this weekend.  This particular friend whom I've apparently pissed off to no end, has now decided she's not attending the party.  She did not bother to contact me, she just changed her reply on the Ev-ite.  Teensy problem.  She was supposed to make S's cake. Hhmmm..so I don't know if the cake is a) showing up with her husband, or b) not showing up with her husband, or c) her husband is also not showing up and as such, no hope of cake.

Oh, and I deleted my original post on F-B too.  Guess I shouldn't offend any other friends with my journey through infertility and adoption.  Must be careful around them, and be very very careful that I don't make them mad.  Maybe I'll start acting giddy and saying "I hope so!" every time they make some stupid-ass comment about me getting pregnant.  Oooh, I'm raging mad just thinking about it!

Guess I'm baking a cake tomorrow.