This is one of my personal favorites. I wish that I had kept count of how many times this was said to me 2 years and 2 months ago when we started the homestudy process. Everyone I know in my circle seems to know (or know of) at least one person who went through adoption and then got pregnant. This particular myth also feeds the infertility myth that stress causes infertility. It's a double-whammy for women like me diagnosed with unexplained infertility. Since I have no concrete diagnosis, my friends who don't know better obviously think, (and have said to my face) that I just need to relax and it'll happen. Therefore, put 2 and 2 together: Obviously if we adopt a baby, once we get said baby we'll be all kinds of relaxed and before you know it, we'll be pregnant! Ahh, happy ending, sunshine and rainbows and puppy dogs! Um. That's bad math people.
The actual statistic for women getting pregnant after adopting, or while in the adoption process is less than 10 percent. Why do we always hear about it? Because it's sensational. I personally have a close friend who falls in this statistic. She and her husband got lucky. So far, we have not hit that particular jackpot. Now, ask me if I care. NO. If I happen to get pregnant at some point down the road, then great, we'll deal with it. We don't talk about the possibility, we don't hope for the possibility, and most importantly, we did not decide on adoption as some kind of fertility drug.
If we had held on to the hope of having a biological child that tightly, we would have toughed it out for more rounds of IUI and probably an IVF or two. We have the means. We did not have the will.
When we heard this statement come out of our friends' and families' mouths while in the midst of the homestudy, it made the entire process more difficult emotionally. Admittedly, we did not take the time to fully grieve the loss of a biological child before diving headlong into adoption and so set ourselves up for a tough ride through the process. However, hearing people hope out loud for a biological baby for us then, was jarring. We were processing a radical change to our family building plan and our friends and family were trying to drag us back into TTC.
There have been many misinformed, unintentionally hurtful statements said to my face during our family building years, but this is the only one that physically makes me sick. There's a saying: "When you assume you make an a** out of u and me". So true! When someone says "Wouldn't it be awesome if you got pregnant right after you adopt?" all cheerful-like, they are assuming that we have not let go of having a biological child. They are assuming that we are going through the adoption process in the hopes that this will be the catalyst to getting our biological child. They are assuming that we will not view our adopted child in the same way as we would view a biological child. The statement completely demeans our future child.
The number one problem with the statement "As Soon As You Adopt, You'll Get Pregnant" is that the people saying it are not making any attempt to understand the complicated emotions that go with either adoption or infertility.
National Infertility Awareness Week
Infertility 101
Wait, are you telling me that toilet bowl cleaner, nail polish and doing a homestudy WON'T get you pregnant?!!? :) I think the main problem is that people project their wants/wishes onto others. They just ASSume that you want what they want. A lot of people don't understand the whole adoption thing.
ReplyDeleteI know I personally haven't gone on the adoption journey but I know in my heart that I wanted a baby. Biological ties weren't immensely important to me. Some people don't get that.
Great post! I'm with you on how irritating it is when people assume there is still that underlying desire for biological children. Some people (a lot actually) will simply never get it and that is hard.
ReplyDeleteWell done! Thank you for writing this...
ReplyDeleteJess (also on the adoption train.)
hehehe...oh crap, we were suppose to successfully complete an adoption and then we get pregnant? :)
ReplyDeleteI totally agree with you!!
ReplyDeleteI think I hate this comment most of all! It has to be even worse than "just relax." First off, it makes adoption seem trivial, like just a way to get pregnant and second, it also trivializes IF in general.
ReplyDeleteCompletely off topic, but I have to tell you, every time I come out to Denver, I love it just a little bit more!
I'm getting that a lot lately. We walked away from the idea of having a biological child before we decided to start working on adoption. We have accepted that having a biological child is not going to happen, and we are okay with that. When (if?) we end up adopting, that child will be ours. In fact, for hormone regulation, I'm back on BCP (happily!), so it really isn't going to happen at this point!
ReplyDeleteI like this post - thanks for writing!
www.wendryn.com
wow it's the same also in ITALY!
ReplyDeleteSure. How many times do I have to hear theese words? I don't know. Now I just want to think about our adopted babies.
I dunno, I have written a lot of math problems involving sunshine and rainbows and puppy dogs, and I think the math comes out alright.
ReplyDeleteBut really, this is a great post. They all are. I wish a lot more people would put themselves into others' shoes, and for me, reading your blog is one way of doing that.
Ugh. A friend of mine, when I was going through IVF urged me to begin the adoption process, because "by the time they were matched, she was already pregnant so they passed.
ReplyDeleteClassy. Great post.
I love that you said- you are not using adoption as a fertility drug! Great post.
ReplyDeleteWonderful post. You don't adopt hoping you'll get pregnant. It really is quite horrible when you think about it. It is almost like saying, this child is just a bridge to my real child.
ReplyDeleteAs an adoptive mom with no biological children, there is nothing more real than the love you will feel for the child you will bring into your home through adoption.