and come up with a really great post, start composing it in your head and then make yourself stop because, you know, work?
Yeah, that.
For the life of me I can't remember what I was thinking about this afternoon, but I can tell you I had the post half-written in my head. I considered writing it down, but had already spent quite enough time f-cking around during my second day.
Maybe it had something to do with all this family shit that's going down. Probably about how I am struggling so hard right now to recognize that it's them, not me who are blowing things up. Struggling to recognize that my mom screwed me up, I didn't get screwed up all by myself. Wondering if I'm the one who will always cause strife between S and his family after this. Wondering if these new friendships will fail like 2 have failed before. Wondering what's wrong with me that I can't just be a nice person that people like and say "Geochick? Yeah, she's really nice and so easy to get along with".
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.
I have to remember, and S constantly reminds me, he married me because I'm ME. Because I'm direct, because I let people know what I'm thinking, when I think it. Because I am just *this short* of not having a filter when I open my mouth. I have to remember that being me got me this far in my career, which is well on my way to commanding respect in an industry full of old white guys. I have to remember that being me is what makes me willing to get up in front of contractors and tell them that one of their construction applications did not go well on one of my projects.
Because, as someone who is direct, forthright, and doesn't hold anything back? If you feel like you have to walk on eggshells around me, then that's your problem. I have never been anything but truthful, biting my tongue when needed, and speaking up when I feel I need to.
So, there.
Good for you! First, yes. I have written about 50 posts in my head and have not published one of them. Blah Second, I feel you on the "no filter" thing. I've gotten better as I've gotten older but I'm one of those people, too. My husband, on the other hand, gives me a hard time about it. I haven't changed. I still use the same tone when I speak now as I always have but people seem to get offended. That's on them. Changing my tone won't change the TRUE words that come out of my mouth. LOL Carry on, mama! I know it's hard to feel like you've done or said something that caused a problem but it is not your responsibility to make sure everyone takes your words the way you mean them.
ReplyDeleteHa, forthright and direct... check and check. That's me. I'm trying REALLY hard to reign it in at work though, b/c unlike your environment, it is not usually a benefit here (medical office full of women). I have a co-worker and (former?) friend who is being SO rude and defensive lately... partly b/c she ONLY has the "that's your problem" mentality instead of the let's work together and solve this mindset... and whooo-boy... it's definitely causing issues in the office. I was so mad last night I almost went off on her, but like I said, in this environment that would just make shit worse. *sigh* Sometimes I really wish I was working in a place where my actual personality would be a help to me instead of something I'm trying to reign in.
ReplyDeleteI can't even count how many "good" blog posts I've half-written in my head and then completely forgot about an hour later once I was in front of a computer... remembered that I'd had a "good one" but couldn't remember what it was about...
ReplyDeleteI have half a dozen blog posts that I meant to write. I hear you...
ReplyDeleteYou sound very dutch in you're description of yourself...
ReplyDeleteThat's a new one! My mom likes to tell me that I'm a true Yankee (my parents are from Massachusetts).
DeleteYou are perfect just the way you are. You are enough.
ReplyDeleteThat sucks about the posts. I have done that too. Glad you are surviving your first week back.
I am also a fish out of water for tone and passiveness since I grew up in NY and moved to the middle of the mid west where "thats nice" is actually an insult and "that interesting" really means it looks like poop... Your husband is lucky to have you (and you him I'm sure)
ReplyDeleteI often find myself bike writing- writing a post while mountain biking- and get so frustrated when those great ideas don't follow me home. I just hope the thoughts come back around at a more practical time.
ReplyDelete