...is rampant in my household. S and I have had multiple conversations this week about our feelings on this very particular wait. In another case of we're both on the same page, we've admitted we don't feel joy in waiting for the baby to be born.
We feel nervous.
We feel anxious.
We wonder if this is our baby.
Going through the motions of washing 0-3 month clothes and cloth diapers, putting them in the dresser and shopping for a few little things for baby doesn't feel full of anticipation. Rather, I feel like I'm tempting fate by washing these things again. After all, they were washed last spring only to be put away again for another year.
Yet, I've done it. I've gone to the attic and pulled down most things that we need for a baby coming home. I've won an auction for a new diaper bag because we hated the two we used for X (picky, right?). I've counted out the newborn cloth diapers wondering if we have enough or if I should get a few more (between pre-folds, fitted, and all-in-one, we have 29). Past the newborn stage, there are plenty of diapers for use, just waiting in the wings...
I've done all the prep and I feel hollow. I don't feel like I'm anticipating the homecoming of a bundle of joy.
I feel like I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop.
(and i can't concentrate on work. i should, because i have another report to write, and i should get ahead of the schedule before baby comes, but blank stares at the computer screen are the norm)
I'm sorry. I hope it will all be a happy memory soon (or one you can gloss over with the excitement of a new arrival, anyway). Thinking of your family.
ReplyDeleteThanks. Me too. I wish I were like S. He's anxious too, but thinking that baby will be born Aug 31 cause it's the EDD. I'm like "hurry up!" Be born early! Not helping my mental health.
DeleteI'm sorry, friend, but I understand. I was actually quite similar with our 1st adoption. There will be plenty of time for joy, for now just will abide with you and respect these feelings. XO
ReplyDeleteI'm going to go offer something I found transformative when I held my son after finding out the birrthmother did not sign the TPR papers. This is hard because of your past trauma, but what if you stayed with the thought of (aka meditated) the best possible outcome, not just for you, but for the baby and the birthmother. You want what's best for the baby and that's what will happen. Does that help at all?
ReplyDeleteIt does, and that's how I keep trying to think. Thank you!
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