The facts of Baby X's placement haven't been shared with anyone beyond he was 2 weeks old and we have an open adoption. I told someone more of the story, not much, but more than even our families know. I think I did it to see if I could talk about C a little more freely because she is part of our family now. We never shared her age with our families, and I shared that with this person. Not specific age, but stage of life. I shared the story about his birth, and the fact that she had to make the decision what to do after he was born. I shared that this option was the best of a bad situation and it's unfortunate that she had to make this choice at all because of lack of support from those close to her. And then I shared what I've observed about her situation after seeing and talking to her several times and that's probably where I did it. Shared too much.
It's so hard to know what to share and what not to share. I was careful to talk in general terms, and only in terms of what affects us as a family, or our specific interactions with her. I didn't share the circumstances of his conception or any of the details of her relationship with his birthfather. That for sure, is not part of our story. But, being in an open adoption seems to blur the line for me. I feel like I stepped over it this time, and now I'm trying to figure out what was too much and what what was ok. I ran it by S (after the fact, because of course it came out during a conversation about infertility and adoption) and he didn't seem to think I revealed too much, but he's also one who doesn't talk about C to anyone beyond saying that we see her every couple of months. In fact, I think he's even stopped mentioning to his parents when we have a visit coming up. I wonder if that's the difference between men and women? Or is it just the difference between being a blabbermouth and knowing when to shut up?
McRuger and I struggle at times about how much to share. While I've shared some on my blog and with various people IRL...even that's not the whole story. Mostly I feel like I need to be careful so that people don't judge Cadet too harshly.
ReplyDeleteMy parents know probably the most, and I'm glad I shared what I did with them...as they have the most fears about adoption.
It doesn't sound like to me that you shared too much. And probably the person you were talking to didn't either.
You aren't a blabbermouth. If your hubby is like mine, he just doesn't talk much about personal stuff to anyone. I, on the other hand, always feel like I go overboard. Please don't beat yourself up, though. Open adoption and how open to be with people about open adoptions is tough. The line is so subjective. *Hugs*
ReplyDeleteI'm not sure I could do open adoption. I'm sure that you are handling the information available the best way you see fit.
ReplyDeleteRebecca - We weren't sure about open adoption at first either, but warmed up to the idea over time. I suggest you check out Lori's blog Write Mind Open Heart (I have a link on the left sidebar. Also Production Not Reproduction is a great resource too.
DeleteAnd Creating A Family. Almost forgot Dawn's site!
DeleteThis is hard for me too, even though our adoptions are different. Only my parents and my sister and her husband know Miss E's story. But then, ya know, I'm just chatting away at a holiday party with a person who'd seen DRC in the news last night and he blurts out, "So who were her parents? Are they dead or did they place her in an orphanage?" And I'm shocked and stammering and blushing. I shouldn't be - this is not the first time we've been asked that. We don't answer that question, though, and I've got to get better about just calmly, firmly saying that. It sounds to me like you're thoughtful about it and didn't share much at all!
ReplyDeleteI struggle with this too... even though we do have an open adoption. We are friendly with birth mother and it's hard, I don't want to share too much about anything, but at the same time V and her BM shouldn't have to hide things either. Not that there is much to hide. It's definitely an interesting situation to be in...
ReplyDeleteReally good post. Lines are blurred (maybe even totally case-by-case and subjective) in open adoption, so a big key-word is probably "grace." To others, to yourself.
ReplyDeleteI'm struggling with this right now, trying to tell our daughter's story on our blog without telling too much... I'm not talking about her birthmom's reasons for placing, but the story of how we almost lost her is really hard to tell or not tell...
ReplyDelete