"I feel like everything went downhill when women went to work instead of staying home."
I heard that line recently during a conversation. I don't think she meant it in the way she said it, and I think she was looking for other words to describe her thoughts. Still, after she slammed the CEO of Yah.oo for having a baby and then planning on going back to work mere weeks after giving birth, I took issue with the statements.
What is it about women that we feel so capable in pronouncing one way wrong and one way right? I suppose this also applies to society in general, but this is the first time I've felt put down for my choice to work. And, in my case, it is a choice, not a necessity.
Over the past few months I've read several blog posts regarding the Ti.me Ma.gazine cover, the "Can Women Have it All" articles and, well, variations the the themes. In general, I felt it was just media playing to sensationalism, and that me, in my insulated world of friends who have careers, was pretty removed from it all. And then this happened.
Not so insulated am I? Is anyone? I don't regret my decision. I'm sure as hell not going to let random articles or parenting books make me feel guilty. It's difficult though to just roll my eyes and when it's a friend making these kinds of statements.
When we don't know the circumstances, other than the CEO of Ya.hoo is pregnant and plans on only taking a few weeks off before going back to work, why do we even feel the right to judge her? We don't know her situation or what she has worked out in the way of childcare, or teleworking, or how much she even plans on working when she goes back! Yes, most of us would probably not be able to pull it off. It's probably the most difficult of juggling between a high powered, high pressure job and being a new mother. But she thinks she can do it. Her husband is presumably on board with the plan, and Ya.hoo hired her knowing she was pregnant. How does this affect anyone other than those within her circle?
It doesn't. It doesn't affect my life or my friend's life one whit. My friend seems to have decided she'll stay at home once she has kids. Good for her. I don't tell her I think she's wasting her college education if she chooses to stay home. (For the record, I don't think she is, it's just an example of something I could state that is equally as damning as her statement to me).
Women have been in the workforce for decades. My mom, S's mom, my grandmother all had/have full time jobs when they had children. I think we're doing pretty well given that three generations of mothers have been in the workforce. If working mothers is what caused "everything" to go "downhill", then how in the name of all that is holy, did S and I manage to become productive members of society? It's a mystery!
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After getting myself all worked up over this issue, I decided I needed to have a discussion with my friend, so I sent a quick e-mail saying that I was hurt by the statement and was wondering if she could elaborate. Her response was interesting because now, I don't think that her statement was really portraying what she thinks is a problem. Maybe it's an ancillary part of the problem, but as she's an educator, she cited a whole lot of examples of kids not getting homework done, kids not having a lunch to eat because their parents forgot, and on and on. So, yes, I suppose some of that could be part of a the larger issue of 2 parents working and not having time to attend to some of their children's needs. However, I wonder if parents who already tend to lean towards not fully meeting their children's needs are using work as an excuse. I know teachers have an uphill battle these days, and I think that's the point she's driving at. Some parents don't discipline, and some parents expect the teachers to discipline, and then the same parents blame the teachers! I'm sure teachers spend the bulk of their time dealing with those situations. But is that a 2-parent working problem? Or is that a parenting problem? I tend to think it's parenting techniques or lack therof that are to blame. And sure, because people are stressed out working, maybe they feel like they don't have the time or energy to discipline their children. It's hard to discipline, it takes a ton of time, and you have to deal with kids who are going to push boundaries non-stop. It's easier to roll over, not fight the battles, and figure it'll work itself out. (aren't these the same people who can't figure out how their teenagers turned into the devil incarnate?) However, I wonder if these same parents would really have a different parenting style if one of them stayed home?
Oh, and her point was also that it's not necessarily women who shouldn't work, just that there should be at least one parent who has a reduced schedule so that more time can be devoted to the child/ren. So, ok, it was a poor choice of words that doesn't exactly illustrate the main point. When she explains it further, I agree that there are some major problems with the way other people parent. However, are these new problems, or do we just long for a nostalgic so-called simpler time because we think the simpler time (i.e. 1950's) is better? I'm willing to bet that it was just as hard, albeit in different ways. The 1950's was hardly idyllic for many groups of people, especially minorities and women. We're swayed by tv shows portraying how people thought life should be, not how life really was.
I think this is a passionate topic no matter what side you are on. And let's face it, women tend to judge other women. I can trace that all the way back to elementary school! Lol! I think every mom tries so hard to be a good one that a comment like the one your fried made is bound to bring a strong reaction. And I suppose that's why she feels strongly about it herself.
ReplyDeleteAs someone who CHOSE not to go back to work after becoming a mom, I can say it is absolutely the best choice for ME and MY family and I'd have it no other way, but I'd never put down someone's choice to work. I hope your friend just used a bad choice of words and didn't really mean that society started to head south after the woman's lib movement.
P.S. I don't think I'm "wasting" my college degrees by staying home with my son for a few years. ;-)
Poor choice of words on my part? I don't think she's wasting her degrees either. My point is that I would NEVER IN A MILLION YEARS state or otherwise insinuate something like that, but she had no problem spouting her thoughts in my face.
DeleteYeah, I meant that in a tongue and cheek way. I was hoping it came across that way. :-) I would never think about saying something like she did to another person. Sometimes I think society is losing its filter...
ReplyDeleteAs a former teacher, now stay at home mom, I totally sympathize with you AND your friend, once you gave the update and I got more of her side of why she said what she said. I've seen the problems a lack of parenting creates in the classroom (especially when parents expect the teacher to fill the void they leave), and I agree with you that one parent staying home is not the solution, at least probably in most cases. In some cases it might help - especially in families with kids with special needs or disabilities. But I totally agree that parenting styles are often what determine the issues with the kids, and staying at home is not going to make a parent who is hands off be more hands on.
ReplyDeleteI don't know how many people this is going to piss off, but to me divorce is a much bigger issue. Having a kid stay some days at the father's house, then be at the mother's house, and then sometimes at the grandparent's house is just really rough on kids in general (leaving homework at a parent's house they aren't going to be back at until next week, etc), but especially kids that need routine to function. Add in special needs to that and man, some students are a mess. And then there is the guilt that parents often feel over the divorce or they don't want to be the bad guy and the disciplinarian (because then maybe the kid will choose to live with the more "fun" parent) or parents use their kids as weapons in the divorce/aftermath against each other and it's recipe in many cases for disaster (entitled kids who are a wreck because they have no stable home life).
I am a stay at home mom by choice, and many of my friends work - some because they have to, some because they want to. They are all just as good of a parent as me, and I think as long as parents who work still make time for their kid/s and don't expect the school system to raise them (seriously, I have your 7th grader, along with 30 others, for 50 minutes a day - how am I going to impart to them your values and shape them into productive citizens all on my own - on top of teaching them x subject???), then that's fine. But I think if parents aren't able to parent well because they are too tired or work too much overtime or are gone all the time, then that is a different situation and if the kid/s start having issues, the parents really need to sit down and evaluate if it's better for someone to be at home full time. In that kind of situation it comes down to the working parents to evaluate if their kids are paying too high of a price for having both parents work. But that's a case by case basis and depends very much on the child and the parents involved - a very personal decision that I would not try to make for anyone else.
To make a broad based statement as having both parents working is when society started to fail is not accurate at all. Plus what about single parent families? The parent has to work to provide for the kid/s. I know some great single moms whose kids are rock stars. In my opinion, it's much more about the parenting style/guilt/divorce, etc, that are the issues that feed into parents indulging their child's every whim with no discipline whatsoever.
How's that for two cents worth?? ;D
I think it's more of a change in our society. I overheard a neighbor say the reason why his 8 year couldn't read is because his teachers weren't teaching him properly. Of course, they're also the ones letting their kids play in the street unsupervised, dumping them off on neighbors while they go gamble/drink etc. If one stayed home I honestly believe their kids would be worse off. The fact that those kids spend part time in school and other time at a babysitter who probably has better parenting skills is the reason they haven't ended up worse off than they are now.
ReplyDeleteI don't know how you two manage to work and stay sane with a little one at home. By the time I get home, my brain is fried most nights. When I walk through that door, I transform to be as attentive & caring as possible to both my husband and daughter, but part of me is exhausted. My husband stays home, and sometimes the house is post apocalyptic and it is hard for me to focus. I am even more impressed that people manage to handle more than 1 child at a time.
ReplyDeleteI can't say what is right for anyone. I really respect & feel for parents everywhere as they try to do their best to raise their kids. We are all in this together, and the responsibility is huge as we raise future generations. I had no idea how hard working parents worked until I started my journey. I personally find it really difficult to juggle my daughter, my husband, my job, my friends, myself, and ongoing maintenance to the house. I am relieved that my husband is able to take care of shopping, a lot of the cleaning, and coordinating our daughter's day to day activities. It might be easier if we had family in town. I don't know. It is a lot. I hope the woman at google is able to figure things out. I really didn't know how much my life would change until it happened. You think you know and then "BLAM". It is all different.