I wish I had a big blinking red sign in front of my face before I posted a note on F-B tonight.
I posted a slightly edited version of this post . Why? Because I can't fucking believe I am still getting the "adopt and you'll get pregnant" bullshit from people around me. People who know me. People whom I've shut down more than once on the subject. In other words, not the average acquaintance.
Apparently a friend of ours was super offended by my post. She wrote this comment. "I agree Geo-chick. I mean, how dare people wish good things for you, even if they are merely misinformed? Of course there is no other way to view these statements than as put downs."
I deleted her comment from my wall. I don't want to leave it up there partially because it has the potential to start some back and forth with other F-B friends.
I don't know what's going on with her and her husband right now. A couple weeks ago, I invited them over to our house for dinner and they accepted. We're trying to keep in touch, albeit in a different way (no more Friday happy hours), but it's definitely one-sided. They haven't asked us, the ones with the baby over to their house, we had to cook dinner for them. Whatever.
*Let the fun continue 8/18*
We're having a belated b-day party for S this weekend. This particular friend whom I've apparently pissed off to no end, has now decided she's not attending the party. She did not bother to contact me, she just changed her reply on the Ev-ite. Teensy problem. She was supposed to make S's cake. Hhmmm..so I don't know if the cake is a) showing up with her husband, or b) not showing up with her husband, or c) her husband is also not showing up and as such, no hope of cake.
Oh, and I deleted my original post on F-B too. Guess I shouldn't offend any other friends with my journey through infertility and adoption. Must be careful around them, and be very very careful that I don't make them mad. Maybe I'll start acting giddy and saying "I hope so!" every time they make some stupid-ass comment about me getting pregnant. Oooh, I'm raging mad just thinking about it!
Guess I'm baking a cake tomorrow.
I loath this comment as well, and while I'm beyond thrilled to have my baby, and wouldn't change a thing, I cringe thinking that I may be the person so-and-so knows who was adopting and bam got pregnant. I hate to think I'm contributing to the stereotype. I get the comment "I knew you'd get pregnant once you started the adoption process" frequently and it bugs the shit out of me.
ReplyDeleteAugh!! I have a friend who sent an e-mail letting me and a few others know that her niece, who miscarried several years ago, experienced infertility after that and ultimately adopted two years ago is "finally" pregnant. This friend said that she knew that once her niece relaxed about the whole situation that she was likely to get pregnant. I responded, just to her, that I was so happy for her niece but that please don't say it was due to her relaxing because the data don't support it, there is an expected, yet small percent of people who will ultimately get pregnant after infertility not because they relaxed, but also that it is a hurtful thing to say as it places the blame for a painful condition no one has control of on the person experiencing it. I only wanted to shed some light from the perspective of someone who has experienced infertility, a perspective her niece may share but may be unable to express to her aunt. Well, I received a very defensive response telling me that she was sorry she hurt my feelings but btw, "this situation is nothing like yours and I don't need a lecture" and sometimes "things just happen". I haven't responded because she totally missed the point and it appears that she is not interested in seeing it from the possible point of view of the person experiencing it. If I respond, I am almost certain I wont be heard and it will cause further misunderstanding and hurt feelings all around (she is out of country so e-mail is the only communication). Frustrating and disappointing. So sorry you are experiencing this with a closer friend than in my situation. Hope you get the cake thing figured out!
ReplyDeleteI think you should buy a cake! I'm sad for you that you're having trouble with people who would get offended. The truth is that on FB, there are all types, and I think people are offended by posts all the time, they just keep their mouths shut. The thing is, this is part of YOUR life and YOUR journey, and you shouldn't be sheepish about sharing it, especially in the form of a well written note like that. Sometimes I would like people to walk my shoes (different shoes than yours I know) before they start judging my feelings.
ReplyDeleteFile this under "things people say because they have no idea what it is like to be infertile and they think they're being helpful"! First, I think it is a huge mistake to tell anyone that you're trying to have a baby (unfortunately none of us expect to be "infertile") because once they know, in pours the "helpful" advice and insensitive comments. Second, I am so sick of people asking me when we're going to have a baby who don't know that we're infertile that I've just started saying, "Ugh, we really don't like children! They're sticky, smelly little life ruiners!" My only concern is that once we do get pregnant (God willing) or start a family some other way, the people who I have said this to will be horrified! :) So glad I found your page!!!
ReplyDeleteOMG! I still hear that today.... My adopted son is 14 months and if I am the least bit sick with something or too tired, they ask maybe your pregnant. I just want to scream, "I was poked and prodided through IUI and IVF treatements, why would my uterus decide to work now!!!! Some people just don't get it.
ReplyDeleteI haven't gotten anywhere in my own version of personal testimony about infertility, either. I just don't think it works. I don't know what will. But I have offended people and made them uncomfortable. No one has ever said: "NOW I understand!" They just continue to spout the same cliches. It's frustrating.
ReplyDeleteWell, I guess there was a bright side to me losing my uterus before we adopted. Nobody dares to make that comment to me. ;)
ReplyDelete