Our caseworker called me today regarding another situation so that we could decide if we want to be profiled. Granted, she wasn't sure if she should call and present the case or not but wanted to give us the benefit of hearing some details. They weren't details that I wanted to hear. So that's that. I'll admit, I had a knee jerk reaction and didn't even hesitate saying no. If she had been our caseworker through the other two calls I think she would've written us off right away as not being a match.
Every time "Restricted Caller ID" shows up on my phone it gets the adrenalin pumping because I know it's the agency. One of these days instead of hanging up the phone feeling defeated by our struggle with the gray area, I hope the news is that we've been matched. A nice, clear-cut match.
It's ironic to read the posts I wrote about the first call and the second call. I'm definitely in a funk as we head into yet another holiday season sans baby. In fact, that's been the topic of conversation the past few days as S has admitted he's bummed about facing another season. Despite the logic which leads us down the "it won't be until at least next spring" path, we're both sick of the wait and have been secretly hoping that something would happen sooner. I can't even complain about the wait to anyone, well, except for here. All I ever hear, is "It'll happen before you know it" or "Enjoy the time you have together". Of course these statements come from people who are fertile.
I'm sorry this isn't as "easy" as you hoped. I totally understand. We are in the midst of it too (again). It's a hard feeling to explain. DH said to me the other say, is it wrong that I just want a healthy baby? Nope, not wrong at all. Sometimes you have to muddle through the gray to get there though.
ReplyDeleteAlthough I'm not in the adoption process, my husband and I have been actively looking at international adoption. It looks like there's no way around the wait. We, infertiles, are always waiting no matter what we choose. I try to think of it as practicing patience and that's a virtue, right?
ReplyDeleteHang in there! I know it's hard, but I'm hoping that your match comes soon!!
We re-wrote our checklist after receiving a few calls and realizing that, for us, there was never going to be an acceptable level of meth usage (just for an example). That helped cut down on the frustrating calls. And the wait does suck, no getting around it. Hang in there.
ReplyDeleteIt's true, people who are fertile always know what to say!
ReplyDeletewhen you desperately want a baby but you can't get it, they say "oh, don't worry, it'll happen soon, just relax".
then when you get pregnant, they say "oh, you'll never have your free time again, you will not be able to go to pee when you need it, you'll be always tired..."
now that I just had a miscarriage, I want to know what they have to say!!
(sorry for my english...)
Sorry to hear about the call. I don't know how long you have been following our blog, but our counselor has thrown some cases at us that we said "no". On a few, the chaoticness/medical of them just didn't allow us to feel a positive connection. It has caused me to feel a great deal of selfishness.
ReplyDeleteNot a lot of people blog about it. I wonder if it happens to others? Or are we alone? Do people not talk about it because it is a touchy subject?
Alcohol, drugs, mental illness, diseases such as hepatitis C...they are a reality in adoption and everybody has to draw their own comfort line. It is was it is...hard.
Lane - we might be about there, although what's happening with us is that they are ignoring an important point on our checklist which keeps being the deal-breaker. I know they err on the side of presenting situations to us, but seriously, if you look at our checklist and then look at what's been presented it's almost night and day. Just because we said we are flexible when it comes to some stuff doesn't mean that massive amounts, frequency and mixing fly. *argh*
ReplyDeleteKT - yeah, I'm going to tell our caseworker not to tell us when we're being profiled in an easy-match case. This is already too much! I think it happens to others and possibly people don't want to blog about it. It's difficult to know what to reveal.
Same here - got one call to be potentially profiled but we had to say no. When I looked at our checklist I wouldn't have even asked as it seemed clear to me we already screened out these situations. I guess it is nice that they are erring on the side of caution but it really makes me feel rotten (selfish and stupid) to say no to a real life potential.
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry. That's so hard but you are so correct in doing what is best for your family and comfort level. This is the first holiday I've been excited for in about five years. (Last year I was too stupidly sleep deprived to be very excited). I really feel for you this season and everyone who is waiting. There's nothing really to make it easier. However, I will tell you, Euclid Hall was good and has a crazy beer list so that might help:).
ReplyDeleteI still jump when the phone rings. It's conditioned into me after a two year wait.
ReplyDeleteIt's hard. We had to sit down and go over our grids and really talk to people who have adopted and see what they said yes to and how it turned out. We opened up more as time went on and we became more comfortable with things. It's so hard to know what's right. But it sounds like you and your husband are on the same page, which is good.
I'll share that we were open to almost anything, except any kind of significant alcohol exposure. That was the major line we drew. Of course things can change depending on how many of the other things are together in one situation. (If that makes any sense.) We only said no once and it was because of alcohol. After that I think they knew not to ask anymore.