I almost, almost let go a few months ago. Well, that was short-lived. I'm back to picking fights with S for no reason, rolling my eyes whenever someone talks about "G.od's plan" or "everything happens for a reason", or "get sleep now and take vacation while you can". I'm making myself exhausted by running through fake conversations in my head so that I'm ready for the next onslaught of stupidity from an acquaintance. Mind you, most of these conversations ONLY take place in my head and I hardly ever find myself in the situations I dream up. And I'm not happy, not content, not even neutral. I'm PISSED. I'm pissed that we are moving up the list 1.75 places per month. I'm pissed I didn't do more research on agencies. I'm pissed I didn't make us use the last 2 IUI's my insurance covered. I'm pissed we started TTC so late in life. I'm pissed that I showed up to teach my class on Wed. and once again NO students. I'm pissed S is cranky and working like a dog (thanks stimulus funding!). AND I'm pissed that we got kicked up into the next tax bracket this year. On the other hand, I don't have to look at taxes again until April. Guess that's good.
Come on, universe, tell me why I'm infertile. Tell me why the agency is so goddamn slow. Tell me why things can't go according to MY plan.
*argh*
good grief, I did Yoga this morning. Aren't I supposed to be in a better mood?
yeah, what you said!
ReplyDeletesorry you're having a shitty time of it right now. It'll improve once spring arrives, right? (i keep holding on to that).
Hugs to you! Misery loves company right? Our time HAS to be coming!!
OMG! You have imaginary conversations too? I thought we were the only ones. LOL! DH and I were just talking about all these scenarios the other day.
ReplyDeleteAnd I ask the universe the same questions almost every single day. So far just crickets...
I know how you feel. Waiting on life to move forward sucks.
I so hear you! I totally know the mood you're in now. Been there myself a lot lately. You have every right to be pissed. WTF, indeed.
ReplyDeleteI'm annoyed that I have nothing better to say to my bloggy friends still waiting other than "Hang in there". Unfortunately, that's all we can do. I hate having no control over this.
Awesomely said. Rant on....
ReplyDeleteIt sucks...but we've all got your back.
I know all about running through those conversations in your head so you are better prepared the next time an idiot opens their mouth. Hope the yoga starts to work soon.
ReplyDeleteMy mind if full of those conversations and situations. I often wonder what would happen if I actually had them.
ReplyDeleteI'd be pissed too, vent away.
can I just hang out and shake my fist with you?
ReplyDeleteNeeded to know someone else was in this kind of mood today.
Hoping it fades for both of us soon.
Oh, this really resonated:
ReplyDelete"I'm making myself exhausted by running through fake conversations in my head so that I'm ready for the next onslaught of stupidity from an acquaintance. Mind you, most of these conversations ONLY take place in my head and I hardly ever find myself in the situations I dream up."
I catch myself doing it, too, and now have to yell, "Quit it!! You're only making yourself feel worse!"
I hope all the suck fades away soon...and you get the perfect match.
Speaking as someone who has taken anger to bed and consumed it like Haagen Dazs ice cream for years, screaming in the car helps a little bit. Have you paid your agency any non refundable fees? Could you change? Hire a private adoption lawyer, sometimes you don't have to pay anything until they find you a match.
ReplyDelete