In the spirit of "dump", I'm shortening my sidebar "My Story". I guess at this point every month of acupuncture, HSG, blood tests, Clomid, Femara, IUI, Lap, IUI don't really matter anymore. I can boil it down to one sentence. We spent 1 year half-ass trying not to conceive, 1 year trying to conceive, and 1 year really trying to conceive.
Last night for the first time since we started the adoption process I felt as hopeless as the end of our fertility treatments. Numb. Rudderless. We just sat in front of the TV eating dinner in utter silence. The extent of the conversation:
Me: Have I told you I feel as bad now as I did at the end of the fertility treatments?
S: No, really?
Me: Yeah, but at least I'm not on hormones that make me crazy.
So, I'm either depressed or on the verge of depression. So is S. I thought he was all hunky-dory with the wait because no matter how long it is we know that eventually we will have a baby. The news we got yesterday revealed that he's much better at pretending everything is hunky-dory. We were both upset by the lack placements and hearing that the agency is "slow". AGAIN.
I have no idea what we can do to try to speed up the process. We aren't going to be profiled where we are on the list now so it's not like our profile is keeping us down. Yet. I suppose we can advertise online and try to find an expectant mother. But that gives me the heebie jeebies. Switch agencies? I don't even know what that entails. Would we have to redo our homestudy and basically be out $7k because we have to start over?
I suppose I should do a brain dump and try to go back to that quasi-happy place I was in 4 months ago when it seemed like fun to "be expecting". It sure ain't fun right now.
big big hugs.
ReplyDeleteI hear ya. We got in the pool at the same agency last April and have been waiting in the line for China since Oct 2007. I find that I go in cycles. Hang in there!
ReplyDeleteIt's amazing to learn that often our spouses are often sharing the same feelings...although they aren't as skilled in expressing it. I was in the same boat 18 months in with our facilitator and feeling HOPELESS. The trick with adoption is getting the profile out there! And ours was going no where. We signed with another adoption person because I just couldn't take the non-action anymore. We didn't have to re-do our homestudy and we dropped another $2500...a drop in the bucket relatively speaking. We're still waiting, but I don't feel as hopeless...we're definitely getting more action.
ReplyDeleteHey I came across your blog today on E's blog and HAD to come over to visit because we've got more than just adoption in common! I am an engineer as well :) Are you a geotechnical engineer? I assume so if you are a dam engineer! I am a CE as well in water resources. I've worked on a few dam outletworks projects but mostly do water, sanitary sewer and storm sewer systems with a little water treatment, floodplain management and river restoration thrown in here and there for some spice!
ReplyDeleteI hope you are matched and are able to finally hold your child in your arms soon! You'd think infertility would have taught us how to be good at waiting but seriously all it did was use up all my patience so that when we moved over to adoption I had no patience left! Have you considered contacting an adoption lawyer or a teen pregnancy crisis center? That way you wouldn't have to cut ties with your agency but may be able to add to your options. I have a friend who is working with an adoption lawyer and teen pregnancy crisis center in LA. Some states don't allow the use of private lawyers (like CO, where I live) but if your state is okay with it adoption lawyers only charge their legal fees which range from $3-7k. That would be "cheaper" (haha) than say doubling up on agencies or starting from scratch with a new agency. Here is the link to the blog of my friend going the lawyer route.
http://rhiannon1980.blogspot.com/
If you have any questions about it she may be able to help you out!
I dam well hope you won't be waiting much longer!
~Jill
http://adoptionaintforsissies.blogspot.com/