Horrible timing. I'm in a newborn-preschooler haze of less sleep, stress over on-going family issues, and trying to wrap up work for my upcoming leave. Not to mention, that my upcoming FMLA leave will not sit well with the selection committee (or the outgoing manager) and I'm not going to give that up. I'm not applying for the job.
Meanwhile, Golden Boy #1 has a wife who is due with baby in a couple of weeks who already quit her job to stay home full time. He doesn't have to worry about grocery shopping or cleaning or shuffling baby around town or when he gets to go to the gym. She's home full time and she will (presumably) be taking care of 100% of the household stuff.
In contrast, I work full time, and I shoulder the lion's share of the household planning. As equal as S and I are, there's still an imbalance. I plan better and I'm more responsive to invitations, so naturally, I'm the social coordinator. I plan better, so naturally, I order groceries and figure out meal plans (Door to Door Organics and The Fresh 20 save me lots of time but I still have to do it). We share cooking for the most part, which works well when there is a recipe and the ingredients already there. We have a cleaning service, but they only come once a month. So at some point, we need to clean or it's just gross. Those chores we split, so that's nice. S takes care of bills and does the laundry 100% of the time. I love that! Child care-wise, it's split 50-50. We alternate putting X to bed (or attempting, ugh, 3 is special isn't it?). In the evening I do Baby Z's feedings and hold him a lot because I haven't seen him all day. (read, not much is getting done at night)
It seems equal when I write it out, but it doesn't feel equal. Probably because the planning I keep track of is constant. Delivery of milk, delivery of groceries (different companies because one company likes to deliver to us at 10am when we're gone and I'm afraid the milk will spoil). Shop for the groceries I can't get delivered if I need to. Figure out what has to be ordered for the meal plan that week, keep track of social engagements, make social engagements, RSVP to 3-yo bday parties, buy the household items, buy clothes (ok, fine that's the fun part), keep the dry-erase calendar up to date, plan, plan, plan.
So, with a newborn, a preschooler and feeling like I'm just barely keeping my head above water, even with S home full-time right now, I'm facing the stoppage of my career advancement. I'm facing the real possibility that I can't continue working full-time, and that will adversely affect everything from day to day cash flow to my retirement date. In a couple years, X starts school and we can either become a household of stressed parents working full-time, shuttling kids to 2 different locations, and juggling a 6-hour school day with 9-hour work days, or one of us can take a hit. Or, we can both take a hit and reduce both of our days. I really don't feel like I need to work less days per week, just less hours per day. If S and I both worked 32 hours per week, we could shuffle the drop-off pick-up and still have time for things we need/want to do, like exercise. But, if S is going to reduce his hours, he can't chase a job that he's been after for several months. He has to stay where the work is good, but the company sucks. If I reduce my hours, I won't be able to advance, and while that's not a bad thing considering I'm a senior engineer, and many people hang out at this level until retirement, it's a stoppage of my trajectory that the men in my office don't have to face.
Because I'm a mom and I can't do it all.
Hear, hear. I am sorry you're in this position and it's one I face too, in a different career and with different circumstances, but similar feelings/result. (And one less kid but hopefully that's only temporary for me!) Equality ain't equality.
ReplyDeleteamen sister. the "mommy track" is very real. and I hear you on everything else either. you are NOT alone.
ReplyDeleteI totally understand. I'm Faced with the same realities... I work in a male-dominated industry where women with children just don't advance as far as their male counterparts. I have cut my work week down to "80%"... Which is still 36 hrs per week at my office. There is just no room for full-time in my life and I only have 1 child... Add another and there's even less room.
ReplyDeleteI don't have the answer. It's a work in progress for me... Which has its opportunities, but mostly its limitations. I can't commit like others can. We'll wait and see.
Can you apply and also wait and see? Or is that just too much with everything else you're faced with right now?
Definitely faced with too much right now to apply. I thought about it just to get the interviewing experience, but it seems like I'm just not in the right spot in my head to be able to sell myself like I need to.
DeleteI feel like I'm juggling way too much, too, and in some ways, I wonder if it would be easier if I lived closer to work, or even had a more predictable child care arrangement (e.g. a stay at home husband/nanny/whatever). It's a choice, and yet, it's not.
ReplyDeleteRight. I think about a nanny too, especially once X starts "full day" kindergarten which is totally NOT a full day. Actually, our neighbor did offer to pick him up with her kid once he starts, so I guess that's a possibility. I think I was getting burned out on our schedule even before Baby Z's arrival though. There has to be give somewhere.
DeleteChange a few things, and I could have written this. I pulled my name out of consideration for a promotion because I just didn't have time to prepare for the interview with trying to keep my head above water. I have a committed partner in our family, but my husband, try as he might, is not the mom. He tries, but I shoulder the bulk of the household management. I am lucky to work at a company where I can have some flexibility when kid-issues come up, but it is so frustrating to me that he does not - nor do the good ol' boys understand why he, the daddy, has to take a turn at home with a sick kid. Their wives all stay home.
ReplyDeleteI'm hopeful that when our 3 year old heads to kindergarten, and our second will be 2, that I can stay home and dedicate 100% of my time to those responsibilities. But in the meantime ... ugh. I feel you and you are NOT alone. I'm sorry we all have to go through this, we can't do it all, yet we're expected to. We want to.
It's nice to be validated! S gets some of that push back too, especially because he's staying home for 12 weeks. They don't get it.
DeleteNo, you can't do it all. Nor should you. You sound so weary and so tired and burnt out. All of that is so understandable. Aer you willing to share some of the burden of planning?
ReplyDeleteThat's just the thing. S is horrible at planning. What we have now is about as equal as it'll get I think. I'm so much better at the day to day stuff that it's just how it is. And in all honesty, writing this post with a 3-week old and a 3-year old at home probably makes it sound worse than it is.
DeleteIt's really hard, and so unfair, for mothers in the work place. I am so sorry that you are being forced not to try for a promotion because the timing is not right for you or your family. That must be so incredibly disappointing.
ReplyDeleteI was trying to describe to someone recently how hard my new schedule was and they kept harping on how lucky I was to get paid full time but leave at noon. And I agreed, it is a great arrangement. Except I wake up at 5am and am work by 6am and then I have to come back to work every other weekend and spend a good 7-8 hours there catching up on all the stuff I'm not getting done because I'm leaving work early and I'm driving to pick up my kid during my lunch break and it's actually a really hard situation to be in. It's what is best for my family but it's absolutely not what is best for me personally, or professionally, and I guess that is what motherhood is all about. Doing what is best for everyone but you.
Oh my. That sounds like a hideous schedule! S started talking about one of us going to work at 6am and one at 9am to cover morning/afternoon stuff. It may come down to something like that - also not ideal.
DeleteUgh, it really does suck that the majority of the "balance" seems to always come from the wife/mother's schedule. As much as we love our kids, it's hard to give up the career (and advancement) you've worked so hard for. Good luck making peace with this...
ReplyDeleteSorry for my delayed commenting. I can relate to this so much. The male in crew actually drove me out of my last job for this... I could have fought it with HR but decided it wasn't worth it anymore. It makes me so upset for you...ugh.
ReplyDeleteAnother delayed comment, but I couldn't not respond - my heart goes out to you so so much. I haven't felt the pinch professionally in quite the same way, although at the micro level I notice it all the time - even the guilt you mention in today's post, or the way I always feel like when DH takes time from work to watch the kids I feel like he's doing me a HUGE favor, whereas when I take time from work to do the same, I feel like it's my duty and I'm doing what's expected of me.
ReplyDelete