Dysfunction
I'm an open and sharing person, sometimes too much, but it's the only way I know how to be. My mom calls it wearing my heart on my sleeve. I call it...my life. So, I've shared some of what I'm dealing with in my family with a couple people I consider friends at work. Not in gory detail, it's not like I camp in their cubes for hours on end regaling them with the tales of my mom's stupid comments (which I know now are designed to cut me down), but enough so that it's obvious my immediate family relationship kind of sucks. One colleague, whom I consider a friend, invited us to go camping with him and his wife. We jumped at the chance to get to know them better, and they had reserved the camp sites so, easy for us! During the camping trip a short discussion about dysfunction came up. His family sounds pretty dysfunctional and his wife's family definitely has some serious dysfunction. During this conversation, my friend stated that he thinks all families are dysfunctional. I didn't answer (curse of being an introvert, I have to think first), but I don't agree with that statement. S's family is not what I'd call dysfunctional. They have quirks for sure, and the quirks can be annoying at times, but they like each other. They like to take vacations together. I do not like to go on vacation with my family - it's stressful and more often than not turns out not to be fun because I'm on guard the entire time.
I know we all grow up, look at our parents through new lenses and think "Whoa, really?" But do we all grow up and think that we must be/parent/act differently than those who raised us? While S would like to parent differently from his parents, it isn't to the same degree as my having to parent in a completely different manner. I have to look in the mirror and recognize my own narcissistic traits, work on moving past those and not passing them onto my kids. I struggle to not immediately yell at X when he's being obstinate asserting his independence, and instead try to meet his frustration with empathy. Especially when X is seriously acting out. Some days devolve into "JUST GET DRESSED" wrestling his clothes onto him as he's kicking and screaming about my choosing the wrong shirt or shorts. I get really mad, yell at him, he starts crying and part of me is so frustrated that I just want to put him in the carseat, drive to daycare and not talk to him. That's something my mom would do. Instead, I stop myself, explain that I'm frustrated, that's why I'm yelling, then comfort him. That's something my mother NEVER did. It doesn't come naturally to me to show empathy when I'm so pissed off that he's being unreasonable (as all toddlers are). In contrast, S has no problem remaining empathetic when dealing with temper tantrums. He'll immediately tell X that he (S) is frustrated by his behavior without losing temper. Don't get me wrong, S is visibly annoyed/upset/frustrated, and admits it, but hardly ever loses his sh*t over X acting out. So, I'd say, in the empathy department, his parents did a much better job parenting than mine ever did. And, in that case, I'd say that S does not come from a dysfunctional family.
What do you think "dysfunctional" really means? Do we throw that term around too much as adults?
Ya, I'd agree that I do NOT think all families are dysfunction. Nobody is perfect, but honestly, both my family and my husband's family are very normal, loving, supportive, close families. We have talked many times about how blessed we are to honestly not feel like we would want/need to parent much differently than our own parents. I actually try to BE like my parents more often than not.
ReplyDeleteI don't think all families are dysfunctional. I might have before I met my inlaws, but they really clarified what dysfunction actually is. I think, by nature, families are complex and dynamic. My mother has the patience of a saint. Me? Not so much. So I'm finding these new three year-old tantrums a bit of a challenge and try to be more like my mom. The only thing my mother-in-law has ever taught me is how NOT to treat my son-in-law and daughter-in-law. I guess that's something, right?
ReplyDeleteI agree with Josey. I don't think all families are dysfunctional. All people have faults; they are after all, human. Families are groups of people and people are not perfect, but I am also lucky enough to be a part of a very loving, close functional family and extended family. Even my inlaws are pretty awesome. And while my parents have their issues, I would like to be more like them in more ways than not. I consider myself very lucky that I have such a great family. I know many people don't enjoy that luxury.
ReplyDeleteI think your friend was just trying to be empathetic. My husband's mother and stepfather are quite affectionate people who like to say want to hug you every time they say hello and say goodbye, even when they go to bed. I find that uncomfortable and after 17 years, I've just learned to live with it. My sisters and I can barely manage a hug, it's more like a burp on the back sort of thing. They get angry with each other and still manage to talk, but if I cussed out my family members, we'd never speak again. So, yes, I think the term dysfunctional is tossed around quite a bit. I can't even fathom gong on vacation with my own family. I'd shoot myself.
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