The Really Lame Saga Continues....
One of the the things I'm exploring (working on?) with Therapist is my reactions to feeling left out. I don't react well and finding out that we or I wasn't invited to an event with friends can send me into a tailspin in seconds flat. It's a sucky way to live, and I hate it. I also keep score on friendships and because I've now had a few fail, I tend to think that I must be a bad friend and it was all my fault that the friendship fell apart. Well, not all my fault, but in general I feel like maybe I could have done something to fix it, and usually I try. It turns out, not everyone wants to communicate, and when they are done, they are done.
Problems have arisen because we have many mutual friends in common. This weekend, I decided to host a little party with friends of ours, whom we haven't seem in months. In the course of conversation, people at my party started talking about seeing so and so about a month ago, "You know, remember when we were at that bar near C and J's house?" S and I were the only ones not at said bar. S and I were the only ones not invited to said bar. Since J is the woman who decided not to be my friend anymore, I'm not surprised. BUT, this is so unusual for this group of friends. First of all, up until last summer it was me and S and C and J who used to get together regularly out of this group. Us not being invited to something is huge. I mean, they could have invited S and not me, it's his group of friends. I don't know if he would have gone, but it's just totally fucked up that he's being excluded because me and J are no longer friends. Anyway, I did good (for me), dropped it, didn't talk about J, didn't try to get any more information, but I fumed internally and spent a great deal of energy trying to act like nothing happened. Yay, fun party.
I always go to such a shitty place in my head when finding out information like this. Like, what's being said about me when all of them get together? Probably nothing, that's just all kinds of narcissistic, isn't it? But I still worry because I'm not there to defend myself. Am I that bad of a person that it's worth making every social event with this group of friends completely weird and awkward? Should we just completely remove ourselves from this group and not even try anymore? But the people I invited to our party came, so I guess they don't hate me right?
Oh, and there's a gathering coming up soon, that all four of us have been invited to and they are going. So are we.
Good thing I have therapy this week.
Ugh, I hate crap like that! Seems so junior high on the part of your used to be but now non-friend.
ReplyDeleteAnd I know what you mean about worrying that people are talking smack behind your back. I had those kinds of worries except now after so many military moves, my friends are very few (only 3-4) and far between and all in different states from AZ to ME. The awesome ladies stuck and I am so grateful for them even though some major distance separates us. The rest all fell by the wayside. Including extended family, who were by far the worst offenders in many many ways, which is just sad when your family is tiny to begin with. I am quite fond of the distance now between me and them and that I don't have to compete in the areas of skinniness, number of children (number of kids who died? I win!), successful careers, etc.
I'm so sorry you have to deal with this kind of crap. :/ Hugs.
Ugh. I can so identify with this ... I spent a lot of time in my head, wondering what I did wrong when I'm excluded, wondering what they're saying about me when I'm not there ... and sometimes it's people that I helped meet each other, too! I'm sorry that you're experiencing this ... and how's this: next time you're feeling left out, come on over here! (I'm actually going to host a blogger ice cream social here, I think. Because I've concluded that maybe I need to host the party in order to make sure I feel included.)
ReplyDeleteYeah, I hate being left out of things too for whatever the reason. Have you ever read The Four Agreements? You might like it.
ReplyDeleteUgh the drama! I hate things like this too. Friendships as a grown up are very tough - hard to make and hard to keep. I read an article on this recently I'll see if I can dig it up.
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