There's a "natural/green" baby store that I like here in Denver. Not exactly love because of their attitude that everyone gives birth and breastfeeds, but at least they carry an awesome selection of cloth diapers and accessories.
When we went to the cloth diapering class a long long time ago during our wait, I was surrounded by pregnant bellies. S was the only man in the class and boy am I glad I dragged him, because even if I wasn't talking about how great a peri bottle is to re-purpose for wetting down flannel wipes, at least I had a supportive husband willing to learn about cloth diapering. Granted I bribed him with a visit to a local pizza place that carries an awesome beer selection that just so happens to be across the street from the store...
Today I got the usual newsletter from the store and with it several events listed. This was the first one listed:
New Mom's Meetup - Our New Mom's Meetup has become so popular that we now have two times available each week! Come
and enjoy the company of other mom's while we talk about birth
stories, breastfeeding and other joys and challenges of having (or
expecting) a little one! Children under 2 years are welcome. Hosted by--- . Thursdays 10-12 or 1-3 - Free!
Two things jumped out at me that immediately exclude me from participating or even wanting to participate. The first is the sentence in which everyone gets together to talk about birth stories and bf'ing. Really? I can understand bf'ing because I know a few women who really had a hard time with it. I can totally understand wanting to find other women who can offer help, be a shoulder to cry on, whatever. But birth stories? Why is it that women feel the need to rehash their birth story ad-naseum? Sure, writing it down in your blog makes sense to preserve it for history, and even I'm curious about what goes down and the many different outcomes of what you think will happen vs. what actually happens. But, then I'm done. I just don't understand why you would presumably make it a big part of a new mom's meet-up. Then again, I have no birth story.
To protect myself, I tend to squash all that down into the deepest pit of my stomach (or hips if you want to get all yogic about it, and damn, are they tight!) I know I do this, and maybe it means I haven't fully dealt with the grief, although I feel like I have as much as I can to this point. I don't feel like crying anymore at random times, and when I was in the thick of things, a couple of times I cried in yoga classes during shavasana. Other times I cried in my cube at work or in the bathroom. Or I would be watching tv and some weird thing would trigger it. Or I'd get another pregnancy announcement...so, yeah, I did my fair share of grieving.
Now I'm off topic. The point I'm trying to make and not making particularly eloquently is that there are many "new mom" things that I immediately feel excluded from. This particular group is further excluding me and all adoptive moms solely by it's description. So, I guess it's up to me to find other avenues of connection and camaraderie. It will never be in the traditional way either. As adoptive parents we have to find our own way, find our own connections, and I'm so grateful for the online connections I've made. If we were navigating this path ten years ago, I think it would be a whole lot more difficult as finding the resources weren't quite at the tips of our fingers the way they are now.
I'm on a similar mailing list for a very similar kind of store. And I've run into that kind of wording. I've even thought about starting a meetup.com sort of thing just for adoptive moms. Ughh.
ReplyDeleteI hope you find a some new mom groups/activities that don't automatically used exclusionary language!
Well that does suck. No way I'd join a group to discuss birth stories. UGH. How much is there really to say anyway? BFing I could maybe understand because it is a constant struggle for some, but even that wouldn't do it for me.
ReplyDeleteI hope you are able to find a group more about being a mom and less about the path to motherhood.
I don't like the description, either. But I'll tell you that if I were to sit next to you at a mom's group and everyone was asking about birth stories, I'd consider your story of Baby X to be a birth story. And one that is way more interesting than the "typical" story that so many have.
ReplyDeleteEven now, all these years later, I'll excuse myself when a conversation goes to breastfeeding or birth stories, whether at a yoga class, a girls night out, a family dinner. It feels icky to be excluded.
ReplyDeleteClever you, about the beer ;-)
Your husband is awesome for attending that class with you!
ReplyDeleteAnd the world is just better equipped to support the "traditional" family building method, IMO. Even though I had to go throught ART to get there, I felt like a more "normal" family through the birth of my son than when we adopted. And I still grieve not being able to give her that normalcy (and experience it myself). Thank GAWD for the internet. FWIW, I cherish my adoption connections more than traditional mommy connections. They get it, and they are hard to come by (you can throw a rock on our street and hit a traditional mommy, not that I'm advocating that :)) I hope you are able to find some IRL adoption mommies, it really does help.
I have birth stories, and I still don't get why women talk about them! I for one wouldn't attend an event that started off with that description, because I would feel uncomfortable sitting around and talking about birth stories.
ReplyDeleteI don't think I could get my husband in a room full of women talking about diapering of any sort. Even with the promise of pizza and beer. And it's not like he's a hands off dad, he diapered and did the whole nine yards, but he is shy around women en mass. I think it's because he's an engineer ;)
I usually respond to those birth stories with something along the lines of "OMG the first inspection we had - well we almost failed but we just took all of the knives out of the silverware drawer and then installed a lock on it the next day. Oh and don't even get me started on those required training classes..."
ReplyDeleteThere is also those meetup groups for stay-at-home moms. "All the moms out there, let's meetup and let our kids the same age have a playdate." Um great, except my HUSBAND is a stay-at-home dad. A mom's meetup group doesn't exactly sound welcoming to him. He's tried joining a dad's group but they were a little disorganized, the kids were much older and they weren't very welcoming.
I have joined an adoptive families group in the Denver metro area but it's for transracial adoptions and again, most of the activities are for older kids. What we need is a crawler-toddler adoptive family playdate group...
I don't really want to go over my birth story again, nuh uh, no way. I'd just show up with a handout for them to read. Now I am all about breastfeeding. I think it's great, smart, and even handy. But I couldn't do it. Broken boobs, broken baby, planets not aligning, broken mirrors black cats walked over or whatever I did. I don't care if you do or don't just don't talk about it lol. There are so many OTHER topics new moms could talk about, why does that have to be the focus :( I bet there are lots of moms that belong to that stores newsletter that feel like you do, and don't "qualify" maybe ask if the store can have a more generic wording or a behavior based group, or a sleep group, or just base it on ages and Any conversation goes.
ReplyDeleteAnd just in case you're wondering where on Earth did this random commenter come from, I came from the Roudnup and I am trying to stop stalking and start commenting on things I find interesting/relevant :)
Ugh. I haven't been exactly there, but I still got that familiar ache in my gut when I read this. I wish that people would think a little before they write.
ReplyDeleteYeah, had the same feelings once when I read about an event that was happening in my city. I felt excluded - I thought can't there once just be an event like this that openly welcomes adoptive mums as well? I looked at the local adoption association for events or meetups and couldn't find anything for new mums so I actually connected with someone who is a blogger. If you start a group and advertise it through your agency, I'm sure others will want to join.
ReplyDeleteDeathstar
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