Without further ado: My responses to discussion questions posed by fellow book tourists.
The detachment, anger and loss I read in the author's voice at times made me question my own pursuit of a child that will not be genetically linked to me. For others who have or may be pursuing parenthood through adoption or third party reproduction, did anything in the book give you pause? Make you question how your family has come together?
Many statements and situations in the book gave me pause, considering that we conducted little research about adoption before making our decision and have been learning along the way. However, more than once, I wondered how different her story would be if she had been placed in a properly vetted situation instead of strings being pulled to get her sick mother to the top of the list. The beginning of her story points to the many pitfalls in the system, and it's unfortunate that the system fails first-parents and adoptees. As uneducated prospective adoptive parents, the one thing we were careful to choose was an ethical adoption agency. We looked into a few around our area, and the pickings are slim if you want an agency based in Colorado rather than some big national agency based in some other state and operating in Colorado. Despite the transparency, despite our openness with C, and despite our high comfort level with our agency's counseling services to expectant parents, there is still a twinge of doubt. Mostly, a twinge of "what will Baby X think/react/feel once he can fully understand that all these adults made a decision without his input?" And then the other side of the coin is that Baby X was born and was going to be placed in an adoptive environment whether we were there or not.
What event (besides being adopted) do you think most affected the author? Why and how did it affect the author so profoundly?
The author mentioned that she had been sexually abused a few times throughout the books, although she offered no details and focused solely on the primal wound as the all-encompassing issue in her life. I find myself wondering how much being sexually abused as a young girl and not having any type of support system affected her overall well-being. I can't imagine that that type of abuse would not have profound effects on anyone, whether adopted or not.
If a first mother is not willing to have contact with her child or
adoptive family, is it prudent to attempt to compel the first mother
into an open relationship?
No. Compelling people is not going to work out well. Sure, we may think that having an open adoption is the best thing for the child, and it does seem to be ideal in many situations, but not all. In that type of situation, I think that keeping the lines of communication open to the first-parents, but not pushing it is the best way to go. The adoptive parents don't know the whole story, and the child's first-parents may have their own reasons for not wanting an open relationship. However, trying to encourage an open adoption is essential on the adoptive parents' part. In addition, I think that being open about the child's story to the child is also important. Even if the first-parents are not willing to have regular contact or visits, the adoptive parents should be open with the adoptee about their birth story, and be willing to help search if the adoptee wants to search.
To continue to the next stop of this book tour, please visit the main list at The Open Adoption Examiner.
To continue to the next stop of this book tour, please visit the main list at The Open Adoption Examiner.
My son went through a series of caregivers in his first few weeks, too, and it made me sad, as well. But if it helps, he seems to have suffered no long-lasting effects.
ReplyDeleteI like your answer to the third question, that we shouldn't compel and also that we should remain open to being open.
Thanks for participating in this tour, Geochick!
I enjoyed reading your take especially, as I have followed your adoption story for some time. The primal wound thing was hard for me to read too, because my son was in the NICU after being born. I wasn't expecting the book to hit so close to home, but it really did.
ReplyDeleteI also wonder how much of the author's experience would be different if she had been placed in a properly vetted home, and if she had not lost her adoptive family. And then of course I wonder if I'm "making excuses" to avoid having to truly deal with the questions of what impact adoption and that primal wound have on my children. Like you, I found many things in the book that made me stop and think about what my children's experience is and will be like as they continue to grow.
ReplyDeleteIt seems to me that our children will benefit from the fact that we are conscientious adoptive parents. I share some of your anxieties -- wondering how my children will judge my actions in later years. We do the best with the light we're given today.
ReplyDeleteI resonated with a lot of your responses, even though I'm coming from a different place, and I truly appreciated Susan's comment - "We do the best with the light we're given today." Hearing and being open to all of the different voices in conversations like this one expands that light.
ReplyDeleteIf I may, as a birth mother I was intrigued with your response to quesiton one. "Despite the transparency, despite our openness with C, and despite our high comfort level with our agency's counseling services to expectant parents, there is still a twinge of doubt. Mostly, a twinge of "what will Baby X think/react/feel once he can fully understand that all these adults made a decision without his input?" What your baby (and if you don't mind I will assign a gender here so I do not keep repeating baby) will think about how his life came about will have a LOT to do with how you present it, and how open you are with him. He will follow your lead when he is young, and look to you for a reaction that will then tell him what he should be thinking. (Most children do this, and why not? Parents are their first teachers, are they not?) If you speak with compassion, answer his questions honestly and provide him with the information he needs ... then he will be able to form his own thoughts and feelings.
ReplyDeleteIn turn, if you are open with your child then the trust will be set in place and it may be a plus for your relationship with your birth family. I speak from experience and just want you to know that it is the parents in adoption that make all the difference for a child's guidance.
With that said, BRAVO to your third response! Especially this ~ "However, trying to encourage an open adoption is essential on the adoptive parents' part." Always keep in mind that your birth mother has suffered a loss that she will evolve from for the rest of her life. That is a very hard pill to swallow sometimes and I found that distance is what I needed to heal, to cope. Keep an open heart and always try to communicate the best you can, no matter how hard it may seem at times.
Thank you for your views on the book, it was great to read your perspective.
For starters, kudos for doing your best to find an ethical agency. I know that at least for me, I was relieved as an adult to know that my adoption was ethical. It meant more to me than I thought it would...
ReplyDeleteNext, I love your answer to the third question. If I could change one thing about my adoption and only one thing, I would have made it more open. I was in a closed adoption. If my adoptive parents had one flaw, it was that they didn't share with me everything that they knew. I found out later that information that would have been hard to hear but still very validating for me, was hidden from me. It would have helped me to move forward with my life. So I completely agree with this statement: "the adoptive parents should be open with the adoptee about their birth story, and be willing to help search if the adoptee wants to search."