Baby Z is now 9 months old and mobile. In addition to crawling and pulling up to stand, he thoroughly enjoys putting everything in his mouth, paper, grass, cars, pebbles, dog hair...you get the point. X is now 4 years old and thinks he's a master negotiator. He is mostly fun, but the refusal to do things like put on his shoes in the morning, or the constant whining when something isn't going his way, or the refusal to eat dinner (he's lost 0.5 lb in a month, and I'm actually starting to get worried) grates on my nerves something fierce.
I feel like as a parent after infertility and adoption that I'm supposed to be forever grateful and floating through a sea of love and gratitude.
Ha. More like treading water and getting weaker as wave after wave splashes over my head choking me and threatening to pull me under.
We are stressed financially. The mortgage and daycare comprise of half our take-home income. The second adoption plus adding a daycare payment put a major strain on our otherwise idyllic financial life and it's a constant stressor. I wish one of us could drop down to part time as we find ourselves at the end of every weekend staring at each other and saying "we need another day". Right now, we can't. We need to pull ourselves out of the hole we've found ourselves in before we think about reducing any work hours.
We are stressed emotionally. No one tells you how hard two kids are, or they do and you don't believe them. Even though the 3 year spacing is pretty good for us considering that X is relatively independent, they are both still 100% dependent. One kid is crying, and the other is getting into who-knows-what. One kid is sleeping, and the other wakes up at 3am hungry. One kid refuses to take naps on the weekends even though he desperately needs the rest....let me ask you a question. Is instituting a "quiet time" even worth it when trying to means a major tantrum? I think I've given up.
I have to remind myself that this is temporary. Parenting is never static, and soon, it will change. Some things will get easier, some won't. The past week was especially challenging as Baby Z got sick, thus forcing me to use more of my precious sick leave as S and I switched off with staying home. Our finished basement flooded due to all the rain we got on Thursday night. At this point, I don't give a rat's ass that I live in an arid state and getting above normal precipitation is always applauded. We can't use our basement and we have to rip out the carpet, but not replace it yet, because we have no money to fix the problem that contributed to our basement getting wet.
This too shall pass.....right?
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It is such an intensive parenting time. To have all those other factors, on top of uninterrupted sleep, well, it's just damn hard.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry to hear about your basement. Ugh!
You are allowed to not be forever grateful and floating on a sea of love! Just because this is what you wanted doesn't mean it's easy. I'm sorry about your basement on top of everything!
ReplyDeleteOne thing I *will* say is that having two does get a little easier ... but it's a juggle for a long time ...
Hang in there friend.
ReplyDeleteOhmygosh parenting two is so. Much. Harder. Than one. Especially when they are only a couple of years apart. I really struggled the first year of it. Part of it was sleep deprivation. And I'm so over the whining. So yeah, not all rainbows and unicorns over here. As for quiet time, *I* need a break when Alice goes down for her nap, so I let Elliot have a Popsicle (made from a fruit veggie smoothie since he won't willingly eat a single vegetable) and let him watch some PBS or a movie. It gives me an hour or so of peace and quiet. If I made him stay in his room it would be a tantrum and not worth it, but this isn't too bad.
ReplyDeleteI hear you on mortgage plus daycare for two being all but impossible. We're still pressing forward to acquire #2 despite the many challenges you detail but not without considerable trepidation.
ReplyDeleteI could have written this post. Daycare alone ate my entire salary and then there was the mortgage and other expenses (medical bills anyone?) to think about. Never mind the debt from infertility. Two years in, we're just beginning to figure out how to crawl out financially, with hopes of more change on the horizon soon. And that's just the financial.
ReplyDeleteYou're right: parenting two is a lot harder. So. Much. Harder. But, I promise that as you get further down the rabbit hole it will get easier. Granted, you'll find yourself doing things you swore you wouldn't (screen time), but you will make it work.
In the meantime, don't stress about always appearing grateful. We get it. No need for explanation. And frankly if anyone is giving you a hard time, assume they are volunteering to babysit for a couple of hours, pro bono. ;)
Yes, this too shall pass. You are in a really hard stage. That is the only consolation -- that once they are both in elementary school, the whining decreases. (It never stops altogether.) The getting in trouble decreases. I know people say, "little person, little problems, big person, big problems," but that saying doesn't take into account the sleeplessness. You can deal with things so much better when you can get a full night of sleep.
ReplyDeleteIt is hard. We had the daycare plus when I got laid off we had far less money. I hear you it is hard,
ReplyDeleteUgh, sorry to hear about your basement. That sucks. We are getting MORE rain today, and I am so over it.
ReplyDeleteI hear ya on mortgage + daycare for 2. It's about 50% of our income as well, which makes it hard to have flexibility in everything. I hope this tough stage passes quickly for you!
Daycare is so friggin' expensive, it was one of the reasons it was never an option for us. Paying for daycare would not have been worth it unless I could pull in $3-4K a month! You are right in the thick of it and will be for a while. I had a friend who got a nanny instead until they both went to school because it was cheaper than daycare.
ReplyDeleteI think they do tell us that two is harder but we can't possibly know what it will look like for us until we're in the thick of it. Two has been INSANELY hard for us, for all the reasons you mention. There is just never a moment. NEVER. Seriously, never. Most of the time it's chaos and in those rare moments when it's not you still have to be with someone, giving them your all. The hours that you have just to yourself are so few and far between. It's really exhausting. People say it gets better but I'm not there yet. I can't even see the light at the end of the tunnel, but my older kid is a lot harder than most people's 5yos so I don't think we're getting the break there that other people get when their first kid breaks out of the preschool years. She requires the constant attention and maintenance that a three year old requires, and now my 1.5yo is biting people and throwing things out of frustration and anger. The next year is going to be the nadir for us, and then I hope we start pulling out of it. I hope you pull out of it sooner rather than later.
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