A New Therapist

Thank you so much for your kind comments as I continue to complain, rant and post all kinds of negative things on my blog. I was scrolling back through my more recent posts and I realized that if you only know me through this blog, I must seem like the most negative person alive. I am very sensitive to that feeling, because I had one friendship implode because I was "too negative", although have since figured out it wasn't really me who had the problem. I've also been told my entire life that I should just smile. Because that, of course, fixes everything, even wonky brain chemistry.

I operate from the glass is half-empty perspective. It used to make me feel bad that I wasn't positive and happy all the time, especially when other people pointed it out. I finally know why I'm not happy and positive all the time, and it has to do with a combination of brain chemistry and the way my parents treated me. I may never get to the glass is half-full perspective, but I at least can get to a place where life seems neutral. At least that's the goal.

To that end, I'm breaking in a new therapist. This therapist was recommended by my therapist who moved out of the country. My first visit with Dr. D went well. What's not fun is having to hash through all my family history again, and I didn't even get to the point where she has a good view of what's going on. The second visit was much the same and she seems to be reserving the right to decide that my mom, while oblivious and not attuned to me, may not actually be narcissistic. I know that there is a spectrum, and my mom is not full blown NPD, but I think she has many traits. Anyway, that seems to be the sticking point right as Dr. D tries to figure out how it would be best for me to deal with my mom. Luckily, I have a couple of recent writing examples to share with Dr. D that will hopefully give her insight into how my mom operates (things my mom has written to me). After the second visit, I e-mailed my previous therapist to see if I can get records transferred. I don't know if they typically transfer them around like medical files, but it would be nice to try to get past this part as quickly as possible. Therapy is expensive, and I'm hesitant to claim insurance this time around because at some point in my career I'll likely be getting security clearance. The two years that I went to my first therapist will come under scrutiny, and I don't know if it's the worth the financial break to have to explain why  I went back for however long this round will take. The attitude toward mental health in this country sucks. I'm not going to therapy for anything other than to learn how to overcome my upbringing, and to become a better person/wife/mother/daughter/colleague, yet it will be a subject in the future when it comes to my job.

I hope this round of therapy helps me to get to a point that I can deal put up with the issues within my family. I constantly vacillate between being irritated and angry with my parents and feeling like I must be blowing the situation out of proportion.