S's grandmother is very sick. She has dementia and has been steadily getting worse for years. This year has been awful, finally resulting in a hospital stay then transfer into a nursing facility. Throughout, I've found myself judgemental, and I don't know how to turn it off. Several years ago when his grandfather had his license taken away due to macular degeneration, I wondered why S's parents didn't start pushing them to move to assisted living. As S's grandmother declined, I kept wondering out loud to him why they wouldn't really make the argument. When she went to the hospital and landed in the worst nursing facility in town, I triumphantly told S, "see, this is what happens when there is no plan!" She finally got moved to a better facility, and that's a good thing, but it's too late. She stopped eating and drinking last week. We visited on Sunday and it's clear that the end is near.
In situations where emotions run high, I turn to what can be controlled. I also don't have the attachment to a dwelling that others have. When I get older, I want there to be a plan and I don't want my kids to have to go through what S's parents have been through. I don't want to go through what S's parents have been through, so we have been making it clear to both sides that they better get a plan. We are in our 40's with very young kids. Our kids will still be dependent on us when our parents need more care. We won't be capable of juggling what S's dad has juggled over the past several years. Living in state guarantees that I will be the one to take care of my parents as awkward as that will be.
I'll admit it. I'm selfish.
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My parents haven't planned for the future. The farm is completely incompatible with them aging...especially if one of them ends up in a wheelchair or with dementia (high potential for my mother). My brother and I have both been advocating for them to sell the farm...but they haven't listened to us yet. Thankfully, I think we have several more years before this becomes a real issue.
ReplyDeleteS's family sounds a lot like my father's family, and it makes me want to plan even more. My thoughts are with S's family as they go through this process!
It's so stressful! If you figure out how to get through to them, let me know! We are getting nowhere with both sets of our parents. Keep getting the brush off.
DeleteMy mother has dementia. I am thankful that when my father died almost 10 years ago, she immediately made a new Will and had a power of attorney drawn up. It's becoming useful now. My aunt also has dementia, and none of these preparations were made. She's determined to hold onto control of everything, but she isn't really capable, and doesn't really realise that. So at the very least, a Power of Attorney is critical!
ReplyDeleteMy husband is also the only sibling left in NZ to care for his parents. They're starting to not make good decisions. But planning is very difficult if the parent(s) doesn't want to face facts or make decisions that are best for them in the long run. Ultimately, it's important that their final years are happy, and so that makes us all think about decisions differently.
Still, I wonder too if men are less able to cope and take charge of their parents than women. My FIL has macular degeneration, and whilst they've said he's okay to drive, I want my husband to drive with him one day to see if he's capable. My husband can't bring himself to do it, knowing that he might have to take his dad's keys. He feels a responsibility to his father to allow him his pride and dignity, but I feel a responsibility to the rest of society who shares the roads with FIL. Sigh!
Because we don't have children, we're watching all this and trying to learn from it. Still, from what I can see, planning for every eventuality isn't always possible.
Sorry my comment became so long!
I'm really sorry you're going through this.
I know that these things come down to pride. Like every single time. I don't get it!
DeleteMy mum has dementia and has been in a nursing home for 13 years. Even before then, I didn't recognize the signs because I did not live with her and she really did hide quite a bit. It took me 2 years to convince her to move to my city so I could look out for her.
ReplyDeleteIt's not easy for older people, it's quite scary and it's just as hard for their children to admit their parents have become so vulnerable. It often takes something quite dramatic before adult children do anything. I doubt had there been a plan for S's grandmother things would have turned out differently for her.
Right, dementia is something that wouldn't necessarily change. What I don't like is that the grandparents didn't have any inclination to get anything set up, like a will. They have literally nothing written down, which means that it falls to The kids to sort things out in times of crises.
DeleteOne of the things I love about my parents is that they have a plan. Every time they go on a trip, they update The Letter, the one to tell us what to do if _________.
ReplyDeleteI hope I can one day be organized enough to do that for my own kids.
Wishing S and his family strength during this tough time.
Can I have your parents? They seem so reasonable! I keep telling my mom that they need to get their stuff straightened out and all I get from her is avoidance and dismissively changing the subject
DeleteI don't think that's selfish; I think it's realistic. You know your limits. I'm so sorry about S's grandmother.
ReplyDeleteThanks. 😘
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